Tuesday 30th October - by Gemini
Somebody really should invent a smoke alarm for rotten cooks. You know, one that doesn't go off every time some culinary incompetent burns the soup or leaves the beans on so long they fuse to the saucepan. Of course I realise they're a great idea, particularly if your house is on fire, but surely it must be possible to make an alarm that doesn't go off unless your house is on fire? And why, oh why, do they have to be so loud? I swear our smoke alarm can be heard in the next street - no in fact - the next town, (oh.. hold on... I've just got a report in from Thanet Cat Club - they think they heard it too, and they are indeed in the next town - case proven!) Is this a universal problem, or are our folks just the worst cooks in the land? Let me put it this way - when our smoke alarm went off today, forcing me, Beau and Pickford to retreat out the catflap into the garden, they were only cooking a salad! Luckily, unless we have our 'special coley', our food doesn't need further cooking, otherwise I feel sure we'd be out in the garden retreating from the racket three times a day. I am, as they say, thankful for small mercies. I'd also like to say a big Thank You to Bagpuss. He's a big hearted cat you know, oh yes, he really is. Not only is he a patron of Cat Chat but he's kindly put his paw-mark on our new-thing-in-the-shop. Yes, this is a shameless plug just in time for Christmas, but I don't care, Bagpuss has done us proud by letting us put his photo, and his paw-mark, and just as importantly his words of wisdom, onto our New Mugs. So thank you, Mr. Bagpuss Sir. Every mug we sell will help us to find a home for another cat, so it's like... oh, I know, here's a good one... Buy a Mug and Help a Mog! (I knew I should've been in marketing).
The Shop? Oh, it's here >> The Cat Chat Shop.
Saturday 27th October - by Pickford
D'you know what, I don't reckon I've ever felt this good before. I mean, I've felt good loads of times, but not this good. This is what feeling really good feels like! I can do 
anything now I'm feeling really good, like go up on laps without even thinking. Like last night, right, I went in the living room and there was a lap I fancied sitting on, only Gemini was right by the side of it. Well before, I never would have gone up there, not with her being right close like that (I'd have stayed on my Radio Times instead), only last night I didn't give it a second thought - I just did it! One leap and there I was... bish-bosh... Pickford on the lap! I reckon my purrs are louder now I'm feeling really good too, and so does our human of the male variety. He's got a bit of a dodgy ear see, on one side, it doesn't work properly and normally, right, normally he wouldn't hear me purr on that side, only last night he could hear me purring from the other end of the sofa! I know it was louder, 'cos I was having trouble hearing the telly over my own purrs (purrs are louder inside your head than outside). And another thing - I can jump higher now I haven't got that lump on my leg. Before, if I wanted to go on the windowsill in the office I had to do it in three bits, like this, see: chair... then desk... then windowsill, but this morning right, well I could hardly believe it myself. I went in the office and fancied going on the windowsill, and I thought to myself, "Pickford, I thought, I reckon you can do that in one go", I thought. Anyway, I was just about to think "Nah, don't be daft, that's way too high" but before I got a chance to think it I was up there - no kidding - just like that! I done it in one go, amazing eh? Mind you I wish the folks had used the photo of me looking out the window all moody and mysterious, instead of that girly one with the net curtain on my head. Gemini said I look like a bridesmaid.
Wednesday 24th October - by Colonel Beau and Gemini
Beau: Private Pickford learned a highly valuable lesson today - never to purloin a senior officer's cat milk! I'm afraid he came a little un-stuck today after making the mistake of finishing off my special Colonels-only milk. There's no tasteful way of putting this either I'm afraid, he came un-stuck in a rather runny-bottom sort of way, which unfortunately necessitated a rear-end-valet-service by the human troops and a roll of toilet paper. Highly undignified. Still, there's nothing like learning the hard way, eh?
Gemini: Beau... I think you should explain exactly why your special Colonels-only milk had that effect on him. I mean, it wasn't just any plain old cat-milk was it?
Beau: Errrr, well, no... not exactly. It did have an added ingredient as it happens. Hrrmph! Listen old bean, I wasn't going to go into that.
Gemini: No, I bet you weren't! Oh come on - it is quite funny. I mean, now that it's all over... surely you can laugh about it now, can't you?
Beau: I say, that's not fair old girl, I'll have to tell the whole sorry story now won't I? Now that you've practically let the cat out of the bag, so to speak!
Gemini: Oh go on Beau - it's nothing to be ashamed of. And anyway, we could all do with a good giggle.
Beau: Well alright, alright, so be it. So my milk had liquid paraffin mixed in with it, that's why young laddie Pickford experienced his rather runny reaction. Bally shame it didn't have the same effect on me, that would have been far more preferable to my outrageous ordeal this afternoon. Off to the jolly old vet I went, where I not only endured an unauthorised probe around the 'old abdominals' and a most unexpected inspection of my umm, 'out tray' department, but to cap it all I got the errr.. well, a umm... oh do I have to say it old thing? Can't I just you know... gloss over the next bit?
Gemini: Oh come on Beau, if you won't say it, I will. The vet gave you an enema again didn't he? Like you had ages ago. I know he did, I smelled the cat carrier when you got home!
Beau: Thanks old girl, that's done my highly respectable profile a power of good I'm sure. Can't a gentleman keep anything secret round here?
Gemini: Err... nope!
The Weekend 20th/21st October - by Pickford
I tell you what, we don't half get some brilliant spiders webs in October. I dunno why they should be any bigger or better than the rest of the year, but they are. Maybe young spiders start learning how to knit 'em in the spring, so by the autumn they've got the hang of it. There's this excellent one up the house-end of our washing line, and the spider who owns it is massive. I spent ages on Saturday watching him from the kitchen window. I'd eat him only he's way too high up for me. Smart spider. I didn't watch the spider on Sunday though, I watched Gemini and Colonel Beau (Sir) instead. It was nice and sunny see, and now I'm feeling good and my paw doesn't hurt and I'm not off down the vets every five minutes, it's nice to just sit and watch things. I watched Colonel Beau on the sun lounger (I like that spot but he got there first and you can't turf a Colonel off, can you?), and he was watching me back while I was on the patio by the upside-down-dustbin (don't ask). He watched Gemini some of the time too (she was on one of the outside-chairs) and she watched him back. Gemini watched me too, only I pretended not to notice. That's the smart thing to do when Gemini stares at you, look the other way, then she can't say you're looking at her funny or anything. She reckons Colonel Beau looks at her funny, only he doesn't mean to, it's just his wonky jaw I reckon - it makes him look like he's looking funny when he isn't. That's where the Colonel goes wrong, see, he should pretend not to notice when she's looking, only he doesn't, he just stares back, and that's when she gets huffy. He might know a lot of important stuff, but I reckon his 'Basic Training' missed out the 'Basic' bit!
Tuesday 16th October - by Colonel Beau
I must say the Lady Gemini is completely correct in her assessment of my current high energy levels. Ever since the jolly old vet whipped out a few of my sub-standard molars, and put me on a course of go-faster kidney pills, I have indeed been feeling most chipper indeed! I'm not sure her description of me being 'bouncy' quite befits a Colonel though, how about sprightly, that's more like it surely? Or Ebullient perhaps, yes indeed - that sounds a rather good thing for a Colonel to be! I suspect her main objection stems from my tendency lately to be sprightly and ebullient with 'Da Bird', our communal combat tool, (particularly when she's in the mood to be sprightly and ebullient with it herself). So, being a highly resourceful type (and not wanting to be growled at any more than is absolutely necessary) I left her to combat Da Bird whilst I found some curious slippers to spar with instead. Bally strange articles they are, still never mind, they're good for sticking one's head inside and then grappling them into submission, so that's just what I did. Took on both the blighters at once too, yes there - you see... Yours Truly's not over the hill yet, not by a long chalk! I'd also like to say how jolly decent it is having young Private Pickford back on active service too. I quite missed the old lad when he was in his sick bay, not the same doing Perimeter Patrol on your own, I can tell you. Field Marshall Gemini didn't fill in for him either... I'm afraid since the central heating started coming on recently she firmly believes that 'Bed-Under-the-Radiator-Patrol' is far more important. Hrrmph!
Sunday 14th October - by Gemini
Well, I'd say this last week is one worth celebrating - celebrating the fact that (and I have touched wood before I said this, by using the wooden clothes prop as a scratching post), the fact that for the last week, we have all been healthy! No-one went to the vet last week, no-one was off their food, no-one threw up, no-one had to have their temperature taken (and now that our human of the female variety can do this at home, that's always a possibility), and amazingly, no-one even had to take any pills! I honestly can't remember the last time we had a week like that. We've had Pickford's dentals (both of them), Beau's dental, Pickford's paw and Beau's kidney pills, and as for anti-biotics, I've lost count of who and how many on that score, (luckily none of them came in my direction). I had hoped though, that once Beau had finished his course of go-faster, post-dental kidney pills that he might just calm down a little, and stop being so annoyingly bouncy, but sadly his new found annoying bounciness has continued, (and I fear may even be permanent). Pickford is getting used to life minus one claw and is now on a self-prescribed recuperation regime of around six-meals-a-day, plus a minimum of two sessions with Da Bird, and unlimited fuss-and-headbutts with the folks as and when required. I suppose their current feeling-good exuberance is understandable from their points of view, but what about the rest of us? I am pleased for pill-free Pickford and Bouncy Beau of course, but... well... it's like living with kittens! Now kittens are fine in small doses of course, as long as you can give them back after a few hours - but I'm stuck with these two!
Wednesday 10th October - by Gemini and Pickford
Gemini: Pickford, I'd like a word with you about your diary last Friday. That's really not good enough you know, you can't just write one line!
Pickford: But I only wanted to say one thing, and that was it. Anyway, I was too busy enjoying feeling good again to say any more. I was too busy eating, too busy playing with that Bird Thing, and too busy just being Proper Pickford again, see?
Gemini: Hmmm, fair enough. And yes, I had noticed you've started having a go at that BIrd Thing. It's all Beau's fault it's gone all scraggy you know, he just has no restraint at all. Anyway, it's good you're feeling up to playing again, we're all pleased you're feeling better you know... now maybe you can write a proper diary!
Pickford: Yeah, OK, I s'pose so. Listen - I got my results yesterday, did you know? That's worth saying about. I think they're like exam results or something. I didn't do bad as it goes, I got a 'C', and I think that's quite good innit?
Gemini: What do you mean you got a 'C'? What exam results? When did you ever take an exam?
Pickford: Well I dunno, I don't really remember. It must've been while I was at the vets, a lot of funny things happened down there you know, and it was my favourite vet who rang up with my results. I bet she was proud of me. She loves me, she does, even if I did smack her when she hurt me once. It was all to do with that lump and my funny claw, you know what she took away? Anyway, I didn't just score an ordinary C, I done better than that, I scored a 'Big C' apparently, I heard the folks say. Who'd have thought, eh?
Gemini: Oh! Goodness! I see... I mean... They said that did they... the folks said you had, ummm... a Big C on your results? Did they seem, you know... upset or anything?
Pickford: Nah! Course not! I could've done a lot worse couldn't I? I heard 'em say about it being 'just my claw' and that she'd 'got it all out' well I dunno what that had to do with my results, but I know she got all my claw out and all the lump - look! (Pickford shows Gemini his claw-less lump-less leg) So what's there to be upset about?
Gemini: Ummm, well... in that case... nothing I suppose. In fact I'd say that sounds like really good news. Yes, actually, I'd say that if the vet is happy and the folks are happy, then that should be good enough for all of us!
Pickford: 'Ere, Gemini... I think I'd like to 'ave another go on that Bird Thing, is that Ok with you?
Gemini: Oh go on then. Only don't ruin any more feathers!
Friday 5th October - by Pickford
I did it! They're gone! I had my stitches out! I was really brave and fearless too. Pickford the Brave, that's me!
Thursday 4th October - by Gemini
Somebody really should design a feeding bowl for dentally challenged cats you know. I'm not talking about myself of course, I still have all my own teeth, but having seen the mess that certain molar-less moggies make when trying to coax food out of their bowls and into their mouths, I feel that there is a gap in the market far larger than the gaps in their teeth! Pickford doesn't do too badly I have to say, if he can't manage to corner a particularly evasive morsel of food somewhere between his lips, his tongue and his one remaining tooth then he simply improvises and sticks his paw in the food and licks it off that. This does mean he has a bit more fur-washing to do afterwards, but at least he gets his food from bowl-to-paw-to-mouth-to-belly within a reasonable time frame. Not so Mr. Beau, unfortunately. Since his recent dental he's now six teeth down on before, but I don't think he's fully realised which ones are now missing, so he carries on blithely as thought they are still there. Thus food that he thinks is going to end up in his mouth quite frequently ends up on the floor instead. This sets him off on a charming little game of chase-the-cat-food, trying gamely to capture it between his gums and tongue. Sometimes he might be lucky and catch it on the first few nudges, but other times, if it's a particularly slippery morsel, he has been known to chase it right across the kitchen floor before finally cornering the thing. This game of chase then leaves behind a subtle trail of cat-food-goo across the floor tiles, hmmm, lovely. (the casual visitor might be forgiven for thinking that maybe we have pet snails). The folks have tried various shapes of bowls and plates to cure the problem, unsuccessfully so far, so the search continues for a truly successful vessel. Personally I favour the method of sitting there looking beautiful whilst a well-trained human passes me my prawns by hand, one by one, so that my delicate lips need not even touch something so crude as a cat-food bowl. But that doesn't happen very often. Sadly.
Monday 1st October - by Pickford
I saw my favourite vet again today. Yeah yeah, I know... gettin' a bit regular this, innit? (The folks reckon I've got a season ticket, whatever that means). She keeps wanting to look at my stitches and do that thing with the thermometer. Well she looked at my stitches (they're still there) and did that thing with the thermometer (it reckons I'm only a-hundred-and-three now so it's still talking rubbish), and then she stuck me on the scales too - says I've put on weight. Well 'course I have, I mean all that bother with my teeth before and I couldn't eat very much, and now I can eat loads again, so 'course I've put on weight, well you would wouldn't you? Today's been my best day for a week too, I'm feeling much more like Proper Pickford again, so I went up on the desk and laid on the 'To Do' pile. I didn't actually do any of it, but I made sure none of it got away, so that's good enough for my first day back at work I reckon. The folks like me going up on the desk, I get right fussed up there. Vets are funny though aren't they? I mean, I've only had my stitches in a week and I've just started getting used to 'em and now she wants 'em back again! She said I can keep 'em til Friday and that's it, then she's having 'em back. I s'pose some other cat needs 'em, so I best not moan. It's been a funny old do this. Still, we got coley for tea, and that's all that matters really, innit?
Saturday 29th September - by Colonel Beau and Gemini
Beau: I say it's a jolly marvellous view from up here old girl, quite splendid in fact. D'you know I can practically see France from here!
Gemini: Why on earth would you want to see France?
Beau: Well, I err... you know, because... because it's there, old thing, just because it's there!
Gemini: Oh, right. Can you see anything else from up there - like, anything interesting or useful?
Beau: Like what old bean?
Gemini: Oh, I don't know... like an unattended prawn sandwich for example, or any custard-pots that need licking, that sort of thing. Or, in fact... can you see a way down from there at all? That might be more useful in the long run than seeing France, don't you think?
Beau: A way down..? Well of course I can, ummm... yes, there's bound to be a way to... errr what goes up must, you know, and all that. Just give me a few minutes eh old bean? Just while I collect my thoughts, or some of them at least, and I'll, errr, you know, formulate a plan. Yes, that's it, just need time to get a plan together that's all. Hrrmph!
Gemini: OK Beau, you start getting a plan together then, and in the meantime I'll go and ask the folks to open the bathroom window for you shall I?
Beau: Would you do that old girl? That'd be jolly decent of you. Only as a back-up plan of course!
Gemini: Of course, just a back-up plan. No problem. You just wait there then, I'll get onto that right away.
(Thinks: Silly old duffer, one less brain cell and he'd be a human!)
Tuesday 25th September - by Pickford
I saw my favourite vet again today, I think she's the best vet in the world, I do, (even though she stuck a great big blue bandage on my foot yesterday). I dunno how she done it but she took my funny claw away, and the big lump behind it too, and now I've got my proper, normal leg back. It doesn't hurt any more either, it's great! I s'pose other cats might be OK about having a bandage and a blue sock on but not me - I'm Pickford the Brave see, and Brave Pickfords don't need socks. So I chewed it off, didn't take long, even though I've only got one tooth. 'Course the folks panicked 'cos I'm meant to be keeping the bandage and sock on 'til Friday, but that's nearly a whole week, I can't have that, can I? And I'm s'posed to be staying indoors 'til Friday too. Pickford the Brave? Indoors? WIth a sock on? For nearly a week? Do me a favour! As I say though, she's the best vet in the world, and so when I saw her today I said 'ere look - see them stitches - all nice and clean, see? (and she agreed), so if I promise not to bite them out I don't really need a sock, do I? (and she agreed), and I told her I don't like litter trays, and I need to go outside (well, she took some pursuading on that one I can tell you). But I promised to only go as far as the garden, and to let the folks check my stitches every time, and finally she agreed. So I've had a great day today - after I got back from seeing the best vet in the world - I poo'd under the bush and then laid on the patio for the rest of the morning, then I had two dinners and crashed out on my new fleecy-bed-on-the-floor all afternoon. Oh yeah - there, look! That's my blue sock! See what I mean... you just wouldn't would you? I mean, not even to a fancy dress party.
Monday 24th September - by Gemini
I thought I would pop in here and just give a little update on Pickford, as we've had several emails from some really sweet people asking after the lad! The vets took his 'funny claw' out today, one of his dew-claws I think you call them. Goodness me it was horrid though, he's better off without it. I know the folks wanted to post a nice photo of him here with his rather BIG blue bandage on, only they weren't quick enough I'm afraid, because he's already chewed it off! The vet said he had to keep the bandage on until Friday and then go back to have it changed - well they should have known better really, I mean this is Pickford we're talking about - keep it on until Friday? Yeah right, fat chance! Well that's it really, he's had a bit of fish, the folks have made him a nice fleecy bed-on-the-floor (even Pickford's knows it's not a good idea to go jumping up anywhere at the moment), and he's purring and getting lots of fuss. Miraculously he isn't trying to bite his stitches out - not yet anyway. We will all have to just wait and see what the morning brings I suppose. I will have to warn him... I know full well what they'll do if he won't keep a bandage on... and if he starts picking at his stitches... it'll be a cone-collars, and he will not like that! Shame about the blue bandage though, I thought it was rather fetching... in an awkward, rubbery, blue, bandagy kind of way!
Saturday 22nd September - by Pickford
D'you know what? I'm getting right fed up keep going down the vets I am. First it was my teeth, well my gums and my teeth really, then it was my tummy last week, and now it's my claw! I've got this funny claw see, well it's been a bit funny for a while only it didn't bother me that much, so I never said anything. Well lately I've had so many jabs and pills and stuff that even my claw felt less funny too (dunno how that works) only now my teeth are OK and I don't need jabs and pills, so my funny claw's gone really funny. It doesn't go back in any more, and it hurts too. So that's when the folks noticed it, well I s'pose I was limping a bit (like you do when you have a funny claw that hurts), so I got taken off down the vets again today. They didn't keep me in there like they did with my tummy, which I was glad about 'cos it was right sunny here today and I wanted to lay on the path by the hosepipe and watch for frogs. So they gave me some jabs, and I've got pills again, which was good 'cos it stopped my claw hurting and I came back here and laid on the path by the hosepipe and watched for frogs. I dunno what they'll do about my funny claw though. I've got to go back again Monday. Tell you one thing though, those thermometers don't half come out with some rubbish sometimes - the one on Saturday said I was a-hundred-and-five and I'm only ten!
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Friday 21st September - by Colonel Beau and Gemini
Beau: I say old girl, would you look at that! What the jolly devil is it?
Gemini: Well... it looks sort of like... no, it can't be, not in the house. Birds don't come indoors, well, not of their own accord anyway. I'm not entirely sure though...
Beau: No you're right, it can't be a bird - no beak you see. No head and no beak, therefore I deduce it's not a bird, birds always have heads and beaks in my experience. Well they do until they get caught anyway. Hrrmph, definitely not a bird... but what? Most curious.
Gemini: Yes, curious indeed, but bird or no bird, if it doesn't stop flitting around like that I shall just have to... I won't have any choice but to... just one more flit and I'll...
Beau: Too late old thing - I've got the blighter! (leap) There - just like that! I say, this is spiffing good fun, eh what? (pounce) And again! (leap-and-swipe) Tally-Ho, that's the ticket!
Gemini: Right, out of the way Beau, my turn, let me at it! (leap) I'll get that thing.... and... (swipe) teach it a lesson! How dare it come flitting round in my h...there - got it!
Beau: Bravo old bean, bravo! Righto, my turn, (leap) here I go...
Gemini: OK, my turn... my turn...
(Gemini and the Colonel slept very well for the rest of the day!) |
Tuesday 18th September - by Gemini
Oh I do like fish! Poor old Pickford has been through the mill though. Two dentals in two months, and then just as he gets the all clear he comes down with a tummy bug. The worst sort of bug too - one that makes you stop eating. That must be awful, I've had the odd bug I suppose, but never a stop-eating type bug, (perish the thought!). The folks got really worried on Sunday too when he went off without having any breakfast, and then didn't come home for lunch either... well by mid afternoon they'd put flyers through all the neighbours doors and posters up on telegraph poles - no really, I'm not kidding! OK, so he hadn't eaten on Saturday either, but that's only two days without food - and surely one look at that little pot belly of his and you'd know he had enough surplus for a week at least! (I'm taking no chances, I've built up enough surplus for ten days just to be on the safe side). Still, the flyers worked, I'll give them that much, and Pickford's hidey hole was soon discovered by the nice old lady a few doors up, who found him curled up asleep in her back garden. He still wasn't eating though so predictably he got taken back down the vets yesterday morning (I think he has a season ticket). They kept him all day too, so he smelled all horrid and vetty when he got home, you know, all disinfectanty. Thankfully, fish smells stronger and a lot nicer than vetty smells, because that's what the folks cooked up, and that's what we've all been eating since - proper fish! It's to 'tempt Pickford's appetite' they said, well it seems to be working, and he's eaten several small portions of fish so far. Myself and Beau have eaten several large portions of fish so far. Oh I do like fish!
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Saturday 15th September - the Colonel resumes normal duties...
There, you see! It'll ltake more than a couple of days in the vets, the loss of a small army of teeth, a bally drip and a blue sock to keep me out of action for long! Back on patrol within 24 hours I was - well, you don't get to be a Colonel without being made of stern stuff, and I have plenty of stuff, all of it stern. In any case, kitchen roofs don't take care of themselves you know! I should like it noted for the record that I patrolled next door's too, including their bally tricky conservatory roof. Yes... and next-door-lady would do well to remember who it is that keeps her roofs safe from attack the next time she complains that I (and I quote) 'scare the living daylights' out of her every time I crash-land on her conservatory roof. That's a scrupulously planned and meticulously executed manoeuvre that is - crash land indeed! It's hardly my fault if her conservatory roof is made of flimsy plastic and I'm made of fourteen pounds of stern stuff is it? So once all roofs were declared safe and secure it was back through the bathroom window for a spot of luncheon - which these days includes a prawn (the human troops underhand way of getting me to take my dodgy-kidneys-pill, they think I don't know). There - just look at that impressive up-the-wall thrust, Tally Ho - up we go! |
Friday 14th September - by Pickford
I tell you honestly, there's no end to the tricks our folks pull to get us cats in a cat-box. Me and Colonel Beau, we both got caught today. Now you'd think being a Colonel he'd be a bit more savvy wouldn't you, he'd more on the lookout for stuff like that, well he isn't, 'cos he got caught before me. In fact the folks are soooo sneaky these days, and he got caught soooo quietly that I didn't even know! First I knew about him being caught was when me-in-my-box got plonked next to him-in-his-box, and I was like "Blimey, not you as well!". I swear I'll be ready for 'em next time (mind you that's what I said last time). Still, it wasn't too bad as it goes, the vet just wanted to look in our mouths (again) and count our teeth (again). I think the Colonel (Sir) was worried they might give him the drips again or the blue sock, and I was worried in case it was my turn to have the drips or the blue sock, but it wasn't either of our turns thankfully. The vet said he was very happy with us both, and even better - I don't need any more pills, or jabs, or nothin' - I've just got to keep on eating, that's what he said. Well, I can do that, no bother, I'm good at eating I am! That's the sort of vet you want innit? One that prescribes food! Oh yeah, and they've put our Cat Chat poster up in the vets too - how cool is that? There was this other cat there, right, waiting (in a box, just like me) and I wanted to go "Look! See that poster there - that's what I do! I help with that! I live at Cat Chat Towers, I do! " only I didn't 'cos she'd never have believed me. Well you wouldn't, would you?
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Tuesday 11th September - the return of the Colonel...
Yes, it's a sock! A sock, honestly, and me a Colonel and all. You'd think they'd have found something more official and dignified than a sock! Hrrmph. No less than six teeth they took out too, Grade A Colonel teeth I'll have you know, and what do I get - a sock! Can't get the bally thing off either, (and believe me I've tried). Stuck fast it is, quite preposterous the whole thing. All because I had a jolly tube thingy stuck in there down at the vets, (goodness-only-knows why), and then when they finally pulled the thing out there's a little bit of blood, and so on went this bally sock contraption! Oh I shall be filing an official complaint of course! Well honestly... six teeth taken without my written consent... total incarceration for a whole day and night... unauthorised removal of a total of three-and-a-half square inches of Colonel Fur (I've measured) and to cap it all, I am now subjected to the indignity of a blue elasticated sock! No respect for their superiors these veterinary officers, no respect whatsoever...
Mind you, I'm jolly glad to be back at base... even with a blue sock on! |
Monday 10th September - by Gemini and Pickford
Gemini: Pickford! Will you stop fretting! Beau'll be fine, he's big enough and ugly enough to take care of himself.
Pickford: Yeah... yeah, I s'pose so, but... well, it's just, you know... he's my mate!
Gemini: Look, he's only having a few teeth out that's all, just like you did, it's no big deal. You bounced back OK, didn't you?
Pickford: Well yeah... but that's me, innit? And anyway, when I had my teeth out - both times - I was back by the afternoon. I went to the vets, had my teeth out and came back, all in a few hours, bish-bosh, job done. I never got sent on a trip!
Gemini: Eh? What on earth are you going on about, getting sent on a trip? What trip?
Pickford: Well I heard the folks talking after the vet rang up this morning, right, and they definitely said Colonel Beau (Sir) was having to go on a trip. He's got to go on a trip, they said, I heard 'em plain as day! They never said where, or why, or nothin' so 'course I'm worried. I keep on checkin' out the front to see if he's back from his trip, but he's not and now he's missed his tea, and if he's not back soon he'll miss his supper too, and... why's he taking so long?
Gemini: Listen Pickford, I didn't want to worry you earlier, but you'll find out soon enough anyway - Beau's not going to be back tonight, he's not having his teeth out until the morning now. And he's not gone on a trip... he's on a drip, OK?
Pickford: On a drip? Whaddayamean 'on a drip'? A drip of what?
Gemini: Err... well, I'm not exactly sure to be honest, all I know is it's to do with his dodgy kidneys and this drip is supposed to, umm... well, I think it means he'll be OK that's all. Oh, I don't know, it's a vets thing, it must be a magic drip!
Pickford: Oh right, I see, that's good then! ...ere... how come I didn't get a magic drip when I had my teeth out?
Gemini: (sigh. eyes to the sky) I should think it's probably because he's a Colonel and you're not.
Pickford: Oh, yeah, right, of course, that'll be it. Blimey, I can't wait 'til he's back, we can compare gums!
Friday 7th September - by Pickford
What a muppet, I should've known! From last time this happened, I should've known, there's only one reason the folks don't give us any supper, and that's 'cos one of us is going down the vets the next day. And no supper means proper down the vets, like the all-day-jobbie where you really have something done, not just the down-and-back stuff. So last night none of us got given any supper, not even at half-past-four this morning when Colonel Beau (Sir) started creating at the top of the stairs (and at the top of his voice) about the animal welfare bill and how no supper was against the rules or something. And they'd blocked up the catflap too, well that's a dead giveaway that, only I still didn't twig on at the time. Well, I'd been down the vets yesterday see, so you don't expect to go two days on the trot, do you? Yeah, well, turns out sometimes you do, well I did anyway. So I got taken back this morning for a proper all-day, having-something-done visit (why is it always me?). So y'know them three teeth I had left after last time? Well they've only gone and taken another two - so I've got one left! One tooth, I ask you, what's the use of that? Tell you what though, my mouth feels great now, It does honest. And only having one tooth doesn't stop me playing with my catnip sack or getting loads of fuss (I did both tonight). And I can still eat biscuits too. The folks only gave me soft food, but the Colonel'd left some of his biscuits so I thought I'd give 'em a go, just to see if I could. Well I could, so I did!
Thursday 6th September - by Gemini
When I woke up this afternoon I thought I was in the wrong house. It was just too quiet, strangely quiet, like when you know something's up. Everything had seemed normal when I'd gone to sleep, Beau had been crashed out on the patio steps, Pickford was keeping the fax machine company (again), and I'd curled up for eighty winks on the sofa (forty doesn't do it these days). Well, when I woke up I was still on the sofa just where I'd left me, but both my boys had gone! Vanished... disappeared... not a trace of either of them. Now I'd know if they'd gone off on patrol, because I'd smell the route they'd taken, but there was no trail - and there was food left in both their bowls too. Now that's eerie, half eaten dinners and no cats in sight. I had a good search round the house just in case they were playing a trick on me or something, but no. I even started having strange thoughts about alien abductions, mind you, that wasn't half as strange as the realisation that I, um... well, that I actually missed them! How odd is that? I might moan about them on a daily basis (sometimes more frequently) but when it comes down to it I do actually like them to just, you know - be there! Anyway, half an hour later, mystery solved and panic over, back they came. Turns out they'd both been taken to the vets at the same time - both of them having their teeth looked at (or in Pickford's case lack of). 'Course I gave them both a good growling at for worrying me like that. Well, I might have missed them, but I don't want them knowing that do I?
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Monday 3rd September - by Pickford
Listen, I'm sorry, really I am, only it's not my fault honest! No diaries for a week... I mean it's a bit off really, innit? But it's not my fault, I've been doing my bit (fax minding, I'm good at that), you know, and Gemini and Colonel Beau (Sir) too... it's all the folk's fault! Too busy see, all this stuff going on, and then even more stuff, and that's without even mentioning the stuff I'm not allowed to mention! It's all these cats what need homes see, and kittens too, loads of 'em, dunno where they all come from to be honest. Mind you there's not quite so many needing homes now though (this is good this is), there was more cats homed through Cat Chat in August than any other month, ever before ... well that's the good news, only the not-so-good news is there's still stacks more cats who didn't get homed yet, (and I do mean stacks!). So, if you're reading this and you have room for a cat (and we don't take up that much room... well... only on your bed), there's bound to be loads in a rescue place near where you are - no really, I'm not kidding! I mean proper, good, furry, purry cats like me who need somewhere to live! If you don't believe me ask 'em... (can you put that link in, you know the one... yeah, that's it...) go here >> cat rescues near you! |
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Monday 27th August - by Gemini
This? Oh this is our new scratching post. Nice isn't it? It's got little rattly things inside the ball-on-a-string thing attACHED TO THE TOP TOO, SO (oi! Get off there Pickford - that's the capitals key!), sorry about that, now where was I... oh yes, so I think it's the Executive version. I still hanker after one of those big climbing tree jobbies, you know the ones with all the levels that go up to the ceiling... well, maybe I'll drop some big hints on the run-up to Christmas, you never know your luck. Anyway, back to our new scratching post, I haven't let my boys use it yet, I'm still running trials on it. Making sure it's safe and everything. Well I have to check it complies with health and safety regulations first, I'm a responsible boss, you know! ...sorry? What was that? Play with it? What, right now? You jest surely? I couldn't possibly, not with a camera pointed at me, how un-ladylike would that be? (Note to our folks: If you remember I agreed to pose with our new scratching post, well I am posing with it, as agreed, I recall no mention whatsoever of activity!). Play with it... honestly! I shall play with it to my heart's content, and bat the ball-on-a-string thing round like a lunatic... once you have stopped staring, thank you very much! |
Saturday 25th August - by Pickford
Crumbs, that was an odd week, that was. Mind you we've had a lot of odd weeks lately. Luckily Gemini was wrong about my paw last week (that got better on it's own, just like I said) but she was right about an extra person turning up to go with the extra desk and extra chair. I dunno what they're doing there, seem nice enough though. I haven't sat on their desk yet, I'll need my extra brave head on when I do that (I might ask Gemini to try it first). Even though my paw's OK I still got dragged off to the vet the other day - he only wanted to look in my mouth... again, (blimey, you'd think he'd know exactly what it looked like in there by now, wouldn't you?). Anyway, since only having three teeth left the folks don't give me a food bowl anymore, nah, these days I have a plate! Well here's the thing, see, eating off a plate means you don't whack your gums on the side like you do with bowls, (you don't think about things like whacking your gums until there's no teeth in the way and you keep on whacking them). And Gemini and Colonel Beau (Sir) got new bowls, (I think it's so they don't get jealous of my plate), but I reckon I get more grub on my plate than they get in their bowls, but I shan't let on. Then yesterday we got fed by Rabbit Man, which is odd for a Friday, and now I know why, and this is even odder - our folks went up to see my wharf again - Pickford's Wharf! That's the place with a river for a garden. Well it's nice to have a wharf named after me and everything, but I'm glad I don't have to go there - I'd rather stay here in my proper garden with proper grass and proper weeds thanks. Now today was odd too, 'cos it's not raining. And wednesday was odd 'cos Colonel Beau went on a lap again. And I'm wondering how odd next week'll be. It might not be odd at all, but I bet it is. Good job us cats are still the same. Oh yeah, and then there was the rhubarb in the middle of the lawn, now that's just not normal that isn't!
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Sunday 19th August - by Colonel Beau
Ahem! Right then, attention everyone! I should hereby like to officially refute and deny the Lady Gemini's frankly outrageous assertion that Yours Truly cannot control his tongue! On the contrary, I'd say I'm very much in control of my tongue. For a start I strive to be courteous at all times, I never tell a lie (slight exaggerations maybe, but never a lie), I always aim to be polite and honest, and to think before I speak...
...Eh? What's that old girl? You didn't mean... oh, you meant control, as in control. Ah, yes I see. Hrrmph! Well, that's not my fault old bean, I'm afraid I can't stop the old tongue going out on patrol when he wants to, oh no, he's his own man that tongue. In any case, I've had a broken jaw, you know! |
Friday 17th August - by Gemini
How did he do that? How? Honestly, that Pickford, he's just been so lucky this week, I can't believe it. Any other cat would have been back down the vets, no question, prodded, poked, interrogated, injected and sent off with a packet of pills for good measure, but not our Pickford. He squirmed out of a vets investigation firstly by not telling anyone he had a poorly paw, then when the folks noticed and decided it needed 'looking at' he curiously managed to get the the swelling on his paw to go down virtually overnight! I really hate to admit this but he guessed right and I guessed wrong (this must be a first, surely?). He said he just willed it to get better, just like he tries to get the catfood cupboard door open by staring at it trying to think it open. Well, I'll admit sometimes that one does actually work, (but I think that's more to do with the folks feeling sorry for him if he stares at it long enough and opening it for him) but how can you think a swelling on your paw better? He's completely jammy that lad. Anyway, another mystery deepens - there is definitely something going on in the Cat Chat office, lots of very suspicious stuff in fact. Not only is there now an extra desk and chair in there, but yesterday an extra keyboard and mouse turned up. Now I'm pretty sure the old ones haven't worn out yet, so it sort of looks like... and I know this sounds very far-fetched, but it almost looks like... an extra person might turn up any minute to go with the extra stuff! This is only my theory of course, so we are having to wait and see, (that normally works, waiting and seeing). A far more interesting piece of equipment turned up today though - a new scratching post! Fabulous it is, I was first to test it out, naturally. I might let my boys have a go on it... if they're good!
Tuesday 14th August - by Pickford
You know, sometimes when something happens it can completely change what you always thought about something especially when something happens that you didn't think it should? Nah, hold up... that didn't make much sense... I'll try that again. You know brick walls, right? Well I always thought you could depend on brick walls to just, you know, be brick walls. Well yesterday I found out you can't depend on them, 'cos they aren't, not always. We've got two brick walls, right, out our front and yesterday one of them decided it didn't want to be a brick wall any more, so it started to move! Well, I never thought they did that, only this one did, it started to lean over, like really l-e-a-n o-v-e-r at this weird angle, like it was going to fall over any minute. Anyway, it hasn't fallen all the way over yet, our human of the male variety was talking to Rabbit Man about what could be done about it and then our human of the female variety came over and pushed it back up again, bish-bosh, just like that! I dunno, if you can't depend on brick walls, what can you depend on eh? I can depend on Gemini telling me off I suppose - she did that today. Well, I got dragged off to the vet for a check-up, you know, just to look in my mouth and see how my last three teeth are getting on without their mates. Well they're fine as it goes, only it's not my mouth that's the problem, it's my paw. Only the folks didn't know that. I knew that, but I didn't say. Then Gemini told me off 'cos as soon as I got back from the vet I started holding my paw up - she said I should've done that before I went. Well I told her that'd be daft, 'cos the vet would've only prodded it and that would've hurt. And she said yes but the vet would've stopped it hurting. And I said don't worry, it'll be alright tomorrow. And she said she bets it won't and she bets I get dragged off to the vets again. And I just ate my dinner and hoped I was right and she was wrong.
Sunday 12th August - by Gemini and Colonel Beau
Gemini: D'you know what Beau, I honestly think a bit of sunshine makes us both nicer cats, what do you reckon?
Beau: Well, I errr... nicer cats eh? Hmmm, never really thought about it old bean, what do you mean exactly... nicer cats?
Gemini: For a start you don't make such a nuisance of yourself when it's sunny, and I'm sure I don't growl at you so much. I think being warmer makes us both less grumpy.
Beau: It certainly makes you less grumpy old thing, you're right about that! But I'm never grumpy, not in my nature you see. I may be a lot of things but grumpy isn't one of them. When have you ever known me to be grumpy, eh, old fruit?
Gemini: OK, well not grumpy then, but you are quite often a terrible nuisance - and you're less of one when the sun's shining. I could almost get to like you on days like this!
Beau: I say, steady on old girl, I think the sun's gone to your head as well as your belly! Anyway, listen, I wanted to ask you something... any idea what the jolly dickens is going on in the Cat Chat office these last few days?
Gemini: No, not a clue, in fact I was going to ask you if you knew. Odd isn't it? Why do we need another desk in there? And why's our sofa gone into the garage? And even more worrying, why are the folks cleaning and tidying in there? That's not normal.
Beau: I agree, it's most worrying, and highly suspicious too. Last time they did cleaning and tidying like that was... ummm, was when... errr... come to think of it I don't think they've ever done cleaning and tidying in there like this before. I shall have to send Private Pickford in on a fact-finding mission.
Gemini: That's a good idea Beau, he spends hours in there some days, he must be able to find out something. You go and do that then, and I'll just um... you know, stay out here and carry on warming my belly in the sun. I can feel myself becoming less grumpy by the minute!
Beau: Righto, old girl, leave it to Yours Truly! I'll issue some immediate orders to gather those facts then. Well maybe not immediately. Shortly... yes, that's when... shortly! I need to um... finish my patio duty first. Most Important that is. Can't desert my post just like that. I'll issue immediate orders once the sun's gone round!
Tuesday August 7th - by Colonel Beau
Dashed good sport that young laddie Pickford. Not that he's technically that young any longer of course, not now that he's into his double-figures years, eh what? Mind you, being a senior kittizen hasn't slowed Yours Truly down, as Private Pickford discovered today, when I beat him fairly and squarely two bouts to one! There we were, sinews tensed, muscles taut, poised for action, our eyes locked together ready to launch into full scale paw-to-paw combat. Then we flew into battle - our wits pitted against each other, utilising all our powers of controlled lunging, aiming swift and fierce blows, and plenty of giving it the old one-two. Ah yes, took me back to my days on the front line it did, relying on my skill... living on my nerve... knowing that speed, stealth and stamina would win the day! Mind you back then there wasn't a front door between me and the enemy. Combat sessions with Private Pickford are a jolly sight more civilised, with our battles taking place either side of the glass front door (well we wouldn't want anyone to get hurt, now would we?). War through a door in fact. Today Pickford took the outside position and I attacked from the inside. That door's a bally good sport too, it has to be said. When we both lunge at the same time it takes a respectable bashing and no mistake! The Lady Gemini suggested we try it without the door. You know, I'm never quite sure when the old girl's joking...
The First Weekend in August - by Pickford
Cripes, I'd forgotten what real summer was like - it's like this, is what it's like! This is my second summer here too, well, third if you count the year before, but I was only kind of here-ish, just sneaking round for food, you know, not like proper living here. So anyway, I was thinking, s'funny how you don't think about shady bits when it cloudy and raining isn't it? I s'pose they're still there, but you just walk past 'em. You don't start noticing shady bits 'til it's really sunny, and really hot, when you really need 'em. I tell you we needed all the shady spots we could find this weekend, and I reckon I tried most of 'em out, and they're all pretty good, (except for the ones with ants in). I did do some good rolling round in the sun too, out on the path, in all the muck and dust, and up on the patio steps (and I didn't fall off when I rolled over like Colonel Beau did either). So there I was, having a roll-round and Gemini walks past and she looked at me upside-down and told me I had a 'granny-mouth'. What's a....? A granny-mouth she said, is where the edges go all creased up and a bit sort of caved in, like it is on one side where I had my teeth out. She said it's like old humans when they take their false teeth out - a granny-mouth, like our Auntie Pat has. Oh right, yeah I know, well... I s'pose I have then. 'Course Gemini's only saying that 'cos the's still got all her teeth. And in any case I don't care if I do have a granny-mouth, or even if I've got a great-granny-mouth or even a great-great-great-granny-mouth, as long as I can still get food into it!
