So many Questions

[Catdad1965]

Hello there..
Sorry for what will probably be a bit rambling at times but am a bit all over the place at the mo as this is..a post part bereavement,part worry,part confused on what do to next etc.

So..my son,my wife and myself have 4...sorry..had 4 cats(was 5 until November 2019 when lost one of the girls)..and then the other day..lost our other girl..12 years old or so..who we had from a rescue in 2010!Lost her to CKD which seemed to come on very quickly..took her to vets where they were not happy that we took her home again but wanted a couple of hours with her to say goodbye and reinforce the love we had for her and to let our 3 boy cats know..Took her back later and she passed over the bridge peacefully while held in my arms..third girl cat(all of whom latched on to me to have crossed the bridge now)..Keep wondering if we had noticed/I had noticed her situation earlier could we have managed her condition through diet etc..Another little hole in my heart never to be fully mended!
Anyways..That was Socks...who was a feisty little 1 year old when she came to us..always stood up for herself and was afraid of nothing..expected her to live a good few years yet..

Now her passing has left me in a dilemma...
We have 3 boys remaining...Sooty who is also around 12 and came to us from the same rescue and at same time as Socks(more on him in a short while)...Merlin,a big tuxie who we brought in as a stray in 2012..lovely boy and who was trying to heal Socks with his licks as she went downhill so quickly...finally there's Billy..a Black boy like Sooty who we also took in a stray..a couple of years or so ago..he was sleeping under our hedge etc.
All the boys are,we think,in the 10-12 age range...

Now...on Sock's final day..Sooty suddenly went to our bedroom and was lying on my pillow and was not moving much or eating much except for a trip to litter tray but also wet the carpet by side of bed..and immediately went back to lying on the pillow.He was also making intermittent crying/yowling noises...actually moved down bed a bit this yesterday evening..and lay there crying/yowling for a couple of minutes but eventually allowed us to bring him into our upstairs sitting room(No not posh or rich..just convenient for me for shower facilities etc to live upstairs as I have health issues and mobility issues)..We are taking him to vets today at 0940 to get him checked out as his reaction past few days seems extreme and our 16yr old boy dotes on him and is worried..even offered to pay the vets fees!Could it be grief..or is this isolationist behaviour and crying suggesting some other underlying condition?
Merlin seems to be coping best as he appears to have come out of his shell a little..being more affectionate and lying close to us etc on couch arm and such..and wanting a bit of a fuss(Experienced something a little the same when lost a girl cat back in 2010 and another female we had suddenly became very fussy and opened up in personality terms..so maybe she was being held back by the pecking order a bit?)..wondering if he now feels more free to express himself?
As for Billy..shortest with us of the bunch..he has not been in living room since day we took her to vets..and has taken to lying in one of the litter trays..apart from a few hours on kitchen windowsill looking out..so no idea what's going on here either.

Any advice on above would be appreciated though hoping vet visit will answer some of the questions..

Afraid there's more..
Much as I adore the boys..after so many years with so many cats..3 or more for past 20 years..we had at least 1 female in the mix for most of that time and I wonder if Socks was a bit like their matriarch/mummy cat?Keeping them generally in line etc?
Also.the change in dynamic is making me want to get another cat..a female..but I have questions on this...

Would getting another cat be fair on the boys..or on that cat?(Saw in the cats needing a home sub-forum a lovely tabby called Miley who looks like she has character etc. but was not sure how to go about enquiring in relation to her..also she's about 90m away from where we are etc.)
Should I/We be looking at getting a socialised pair to integrate into the current dynamic..so that the new arrivals at least have each other while we get them and the current residents used to each other?
Does it matter what age the cast are we introduce..I mean..much as I would like to help out older cats..with ours all being seniors now..I would rather have a next generation to help soften the blows of losing them over the next 5 years or so..

Dynamic to me..or rather my personal view is..the house doesn't feel right without a female cat here..(we also keep our cats inside nowadays after having one girl go missing and discovering she was Run over..that was back in 2010 and my first incarnation on this site..and we also had a big stray full Tom who came into our family go missing in 2012..though think he just preferred the roving life and did a runner before we could get him..sorted(neutered)..

Anyways..sorry for the length of this post and the rambling nature..but am feeling a bit broken at mo..and have several empty holes where my lost pets are..(Seems each pet loss gets harder,hurts more and reopens old wounds somewhat..the older I get)

Thanks for your time and patience..and any advice oh and also sorry of this is not in the appropriate section..just thought here may be ebst as there's a lot of different CATegories?

[Mollycat]

Welcome, and sorry for your loss. It certainly sounds like you have a lot going on there.

The easy bit first, could you have made a difference. Although in CKD the C is for chronic, not all cats with KD are C, and C doesn't always mean long or even medium term. For some it can be fairly sudden onset and rapid decline with very little opportunity to buy much time. Yes if often can be managed well with a special diet, if you're in the US you may be offered fluid therapy and as it progresses there are food additives and medications that will also help if your cat will take them, but for some all that treatment isn't the right path and a peaceful long sleep can be the right choice. But regardless of what might have been, regrets and questions are an important part of the grieving process and your doubts are entirely natural. But, and I mean this kindly, they are also irrelevant now, and the key to leaving them behind as your grief moves on is to accept that you can't change things for Socks now and that she is just fine, that you made all your decisions with love and in her best interests, and that all is well as far as she is concerned.

Which brings us to the boys. They are grieving too, each in their own way. It's a very fine line between too soon and a bit late to take the euthanasia option. For us and for the cat that is leaving us, we prefer a little earlier to spare them and ourselves the distress of a painful death and the risk of not being able to get a vet at 10 minutes notice when we want them. For other animals I believe there is a point when they come to acceptance and understanding, and it's more than most of us want to tolerate. We have become very death-averse, I remember with my first euthanised cat I even tortured myself over whether I had the right to rob her of her dying process. Understanding, for the other household pets, doesn't mean skipping grief. Searching, spending time in the lost one's favourite places or being unable to bear being anywhere that reminds them, is all part of a natural process of coming to terms. My Henry was with Sarah when she passed in the night, peacefully in her sleep, and for a good 8 months he wasn't himself, and it was a long time before he could be in the room where she passed. It also upset his relationship with our third cat, he became quite hostile towards her. He would also spend time sitting at Sarah's graveside. They are not so different in grief than we are, and every one is unique.

I am hoping you see where I'm heading with this. To bring in another cat while everyone is still grieving could be a monstrous mistake. It all depends on your cats and their characters, but please give them time to come to terms with their emotions before considering your own wish for a girl. Let the boys have a little time, and give yourself time to settle Socks into her new role in your past before bringing potential chaos into your future.

[Catdad1965]

Thanks for your time and effort in addressing my questions...
Just an update on the vets appointment for Sooty earlier...he's the one who we got from a Rescue same time as Socks and assumed was grieving...turns out..he is apparently shutting down and wife was told(only let one of us in)..that he also has CKD...which seems somewhat improbable..low temperature..34. something...(Vet asked if we had Lilies in the house but...our cats do not go outside and Sooty has never shown any inclination to eat flowers,not that we have any around inside anyway!
Wife had to sign a waiver as vet was not happy we were taking him home again..suggests Euthanising...wanted to do it there and then but son(who is on the spectrum) sees Sooty as his cat so..we have to take him back at 1500 to be PTS...we are all hurting..2 in space of 4 days,from supposedly same illness...who coincidentally came to us together back in 2010..and both around same age 12-13..Seems unfair,unliklely...crushing me personally!Both literally went from being pretty much their normal selves to end of life situation in days..Socks from last Thursday to this Tuesday...and Sooty from this Tuesday to now...

How does one process this or get through it?

[Mollycat]

How utterly devastating, I am so, so sorry.

I can see why the vet might be thinking poisoning of some kind, for exactly the same reason you' re struggling in disbelief. I'm sure you will take today to be there for Sooty, but maybe it might be a good idea to check through any possible new cleaning products or anything they might have licked or eaten. Some kinds of lilies are so toxic even a small amount of pollen from brushing past and then licking their fur can put their life at risk.

Thinking of you at this truly awful time.

[Catdad1965]

Well...we never let any of them out and have no flowers etc ..Can't get head round fact they both had CKD...Not sure if it's a plus though..Sooty passed at 1427 ish at home before we took him to be PTS..At least my son and the rest of us got to spend some time with him...but now..where there was a large hole in the balance of the home etc..now it's huge..and both Socks and Sooty who lit up our lives with very different personalities are not there ..it feels hollow..they were real characters.......they will be.as all our past animal family members are,be greatly missed..just very raw right now..Probably one of the worst weeks of my life!

Thanks for the support and advice!

[fjm]

I am so very sorry - a devastating week indeed. Could it possibly be connected to diet? There have been several recalls in recent years, although I would have thought your vet would have considered it if it were likely. But seeking a cause is little comfort now. You are all in my thoughts - goodnight, Socks and Sooty. You were much loved, and will be greatly missed.

[Mollycat]

It certainly doesn't sound like any CKD I know, to pass away like that so soon, but maybe that's for another day and we can all help you figure it out. For now though, take some time for you and your family of four legs and two. I expect you must be feeling like you've been run over by a bulldozer and then having your lad to worry about as well. We will be here to help. Be kind to yourself.