Had to say goodbye to our Beautiful Boy

Help & Support for those who have lost a beloved cat
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BobbiRobbie
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Had to say goodbye to our Beautiful Boy

Post by BobbiRobbie »

Hi everyone, it's my first time here.

My husband and I had to make the heartbreaking decision to have our beautiful cat Charlie put to sleep yesterday. Not the start to 2018 that we expected.

I got him as a rescue cat in 2009, so we're unsure exactly how old he was, but we think he was about 13/14 years old when he passed.

He'd been diagnosed with kidney dysfunction in late 2015 and had high calcium in his blood. They also found he had FIV. After over a year of tests the vets couldn't find out what was causing the high calcium, so Charlie continued on his medication and his kidney diet as there was nothing else that could be done. In recent months he'd put on weight and seemed much more settled. We spent Christmas and New Year's eve together and no real signs of anything. He'd let out a couple of "weird" meows recently but he did that sometimes anyway. He'd had the odd moment of almost losing his balance when he shook his ears as he had wax build-up and this irritated him. He had a little bed in our downstairs bathroom next to the radiator that he'd taken a liking to sleeping on; not all the time but I noticed it and thought he might just like getting away from our lively little dog.

I've been beating myself up that I missed something, as looking back these were probably all signs he wasn't well. But he'd been to the vets not even two weeks ago for some antibiotics as he had the sniffles. We told the vet about his wobbles and she checked his heart and temperature etc and all was fine. She cleaned his ears too.

As you can tell I'm trying to make sense of how quickly it all happened. I came downstairs yesterday morning and gave Charlie his medicine and food as normal. It was only when he walked away from his bowl that he was very wobbly. He then shook his head as if his ears were itching him and he toppled over. I held him and his heart beat was extremely fast. We got him to the emergency vet who said it wasn't anything to do with his ears. She said they could refer to a cardiologist and do more tests but I didn't think that was fair. She said his condition was serious so how fair would it have been to put him through more tests when they may be of no use, and he could be in pain? Despite this reasoning, I feel huge guilt.

He fell asleep in my arms and I wish I could have cuddled him for hours. He has been with me through some tough periods in my life. He was my best friend, my shadow who followed me everywhere, and now the house isn't the same without him.

Then there is the guilt that follows feelings of relief. There were ongoing tests for over a year which must have been awful for Charlie to keep getting shaved and injected/x-rayed/scanned. I was constantly anxious thinking "this is it". So there's some relief that he won't be subjected to that any more, and that I don't have to worry about him. Then there is the relief concerning finances. Charlie was insured but all the tests took their toll financially. I feel bad for thinking that I won't have to make the decision between his life and money any more. I hope that makes sense and doesn't come across as me not loving him. I couldn't love him any more than I did.

We have our little dog to help keep us focused but I find myself wanting him to walk through the kitchen and into the living room. I listened out for his meow this morning, as he always used to meow constantly once he'd heard my alarm go off. Of course, I knew there would be silence but I still hoped.

Thanks for listening. I'm struggling, as is my husband. I'm sure the pain will ease with time and we'll get used to Charlie no longer being here. Now though, it feels very raw x
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Re: Had to say goodbye to our Beautiful Boy

Post by Kay »

I think I speak for everyone here when I say your feelings about losing Charlie are so familiar to me - the guilt, the what-ifs , the grief mixed with a sense of relief at the lifting of the daily anxiety, and not having to worry about finances any more - these are all part of the loss of a beloved cat, and have to be worked through over a period of time

it can't be hurried, but I have always found it helps a bit to have a special photo enlarged and put up in a prominent position, so some kind of spiritual presence is restored - I still talk to my Trigger when I wipe down his canvas print each week, after more than three years of losing his physical presence
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Re: Had to say goodbye to our Beautiful Boy

Post by BobbiRobbie »

Thank you, Kay. I'm so glad I found this website/forum today.

I was at work today and whilst I couldn't wait to get home and have a cry with my husband I knew that Charlie wouldn't be there to come over to me and meow at me when I came through the door.

Our dog is unusually quiet tonight. My husband said she's been sniffing Charlie's 'bathroom' bed and rolling around on it. She's been sniffing my dressing gown too which Charlie would sit on. I think she is realising that he isn't coming home, bless her. They were a good 'brother and sister'.

Funny enough, my husband took a picture of Charlie some years ago where he had his head resting on his first cat bed. It was in the hallway but yesterday I brought it into the living room and can look over at it. Charlie looks like he's smiling at the camera and I cannot help but smile when I look at it.

I knew it would be hard when it was his time, but I never knew it would be this painful. He was my little sidekick :(

I couldn't embed an image but here is a link to a photo of Charlie and I :)

https://scontent-lhr3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/ ... e=5AFD0492
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Re: Had to say goodbye to our Beautiful Boy

Post by Kay »

I can relate to you even more now I've seen that well-stocked bird feeder, because I have one of those!

Charlie looks as if he was a real boy, and of course he will be sorely missed

I have over the years and several such losses found this poem by Thomas Hardy particlarly apt - its called 'Last Words to a Dumb Friend':

“Pet was never mourned as you,
Purrer of the spotless hue,
Plumy tail, and wistful gaze
While you humoured our queer ways,
Or outshrilled your morning call
Up the stairs and through the hall –
Foot suspended in its fall –
While, expectant, you would stand
Arched, to meet the stroking hand;
Till your way you chose to wend
Yonder, to your tragic end.

“Never another pet for me!
Let your place all vacant be;
Better blankness day by day
Than companion torn away.
Better bid his memory fade,
Better blot each mark he made,
Selfishly escape distress
By contrived forgetfulness,
Than preserve his prints to make
Every morn and eve an ache.

“From the chair whereon he sat
Sweep his fur, nor wince thereat;
Rake his little pathways out
Mid the bushes roundabout;
Smooth away his talons’ mark
From the claw-worn pine-tree bark,
Where he climbed as dusk embrowned,
Waiting us who loitered round.

“Strange it is this speechless thing,
Subject to our mastering,
Subject for his life and food
To our gift, and time, and mood;
Timid pensioner of us Powers,
His existence ruled by ours,
Should–by crossing at a breath
Into safe and shielded death,
By the merely taking hence
Of his insignificance –
Loom as largened to the sense,
Shape as part, above man’s will,
Of the Imperturbable.

“As a prisoner, flight debarred,
Exercising in a yard,
Still retain I, troubled, shaken,
Mean estate, by him forsaken;
And this home, which scarcely took
Impress from his little look,
By his faring to the Dim
Grows all eloquent of him.

“Housemate, I can think you still
Bounding to the window-sill,
Over which I vaguely see
Your small mound beneath the tree,
Showing in the autumn shade
That you moulder where you played.”

October 2, 1904.
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Re: Had to say goodbye to our Beautiful Boy

Post by BobbiRobbie »

That's beautiful, Kay, thank you. Had me tearing up :(
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Re: Had to say goodbye to our Beautiful Boy

Post by bobbys girl »

So sorry to hear about Charlie. Kay said it all and that it a lovely poem Kay.

Dec 27 was the second anniversary of us losing our darling Tommy. Like Charlie he was an adult cat when he came to us and he too developed kidney problems. I know just what you are going through and I wouldn't wish it on anyone.

It sounds like he was a lucky boy to have found you and you gave him a lovely life.

It is a rotten start to the year for you, but it will get better. If you have photos of him around the place I hope they will make you smile again.

I have a pic of Tommy as my screensaver. He has a big, silly smile on his face and it cheers me every time I see it. He is buried next to his friend Rosie dog, still inseparable.

(Hugs) to you and your husband.

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Re: Had to say goodbye to our Beautiful Boy

Post by BobbiRobbie »

Thanks so much, Sue. Sorry for your loss of Tommy. Any time of year is hard but this time just feels worse somehow.

We have loads of photos of Charlie. I'm going to sort through them with my husband and see which we can print and frame :)
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Re: Had to say goodbye to our Beautiful Boy

Post by Mayday21 »

Hi I read your post yesterday & Kay’s reply & this morning see that Bobby’s Girl has posted. So sorry that 2018 has been off to a sad start. You’ll receive understanding, empathy & support as you & your husband work through the grieving process. I found this forum on losing my darling Mayday & I was at my wits end riddled with the “what if’s” & grief stricken. Kay was one of the 1st to post & then followed Sharon, Bobby’s Girl, Lilith & Crewella as well as others all with words of support & comfort. Our fur babes may leave us physically but they’re always with us: in our memories, our hearts. Be gentle with yourself & post whatever & whenever you’re not alone in your feelings. RIP little un & enjoy the Bridge. Vivian
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Re: Had to say goodbye to our Beautiful Boy

Post by BobbiRobbie »

Thanks Vivian. It's really helping me to read around the forum, even the posts from people talking about how their new additions are getting on. I can tell this forum is full of people who have nothing but love for cats and so I'm in a place where people understand.

Tonight it was a little easier walking through the door and not being greeted by him. I know time will help us adjust. I didn't think I'd be able to stay at work today as I broke down in my office (luckily I'm on my own), but I managed to get some things done to distract myself. I'm still having trouble focusing though.

I'm still questioning whether I made the 'right' decisions. The whole thing seemed to happen so quick and I've started to think I rushed my decision to let Charlie go. But when I look back, the vet did her examinations and said his condition was serious. I read someone else on this forum say that if the decision was made out of love then it was the right decision. I didn't want Charlie being prodded and poked again, especially as that may have prolonged his condition and made him suffer. It may have bought us a few months, but that would've been for us and not Charlie.

I'm also questioning whether I should have brought him home instead of having him cremated, even though my husband and I had talked before and cremation was our choice. I think me wanting to bring him home would purely have been about having more time to hold and cuddle him. We rent our current house and when we do eventually move I'd be distraught at leaving him in the garden. To be able to take his ashes with us wherever we go is a huge comfort. So, I guess cremation was the best option after all.

I wonder why we beat ourselves up over decisions that we make? We make them with the knowledge and conviction we have at the time.

I still keep smelling Charlie's bed and blanket. I don't know if the smell on them is him, but he used to sleep on them and it gives me comfort.

I thought I'd share this funny photograph; I'd had Charlie about 10 months here. He popped out into the garden one day and a little while later I heard this munching noise. I went to investigate and he was in the living room trying to eat a steak he'd picked up from somewhere! I cut it up for him to be helpful and then he didn't want it! Someone didn't get their dinner that day! I'm looking through lots of photos and there is much to smile about, which is helping :)

https://scontent-lht6-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/ ... e=5AB9B45F
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Re: Had to say goodbye to our Beautiful Boy

Post by bobbys girl »

:lol: :lol: Oh what a naughty boy! Regular contributors to CC will remember the photo I posted when our old lad Tommy found a roast duck breast that I had left to 'rest' before slicing. I know it serves me right. :roll: He did the same thing with some turkey.

It's lovely that you have these photos. They will bring you some comfort and make you smile.

I understand what you mean about having him cremated rather than buried. We have no intentions of moving from here, but I sometimes wonder what folks in the future might think. There are three dogs and four cats graves in our garden - two of the cats aren't even ours! They are all well marked and I have planted shrubs over them. When they flower that also makes me smile.
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Re: Had to say goodbye to our Beautiful Boy

Post by BobbiRobbie »

Your Tommy clearly had good taste in meat! Bless him!

I'd left an empty pizza box on the floor in the kitchen once as I needed to break it up to fit it in the bin. I came back into the kitchen a little while later and all I could see is Charlie's rear end poking out from the box. Luckily it was empty, so he was probably disappointed!

I think it's nice you have those plants to remind you. A friend suggested I could get a cat ornament for the garden to remind us of Charlie, as he used to like being out there in the summer. He never roamed away - I think he liked being with us - and that was always comforting to know he wouldn't just disappear.
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Re: Had to say goodbye to our Beautiful Boy

Post by issiandarchie+68 »

I love the picture of Charlie and the steak, what a fabulous cat,I bet you were never bored with him around. My Gandhi has settled down now he is an old man, but he has always been a 'high tea' kinda cat. Loves his cake, buttercream, scones etc. I caught him one day, dragging a full blueberry pie that he had somehow managed to get out of the fridge, across the kitchen floor. Another time, we were woken by very loud 'cracking' noises...he had bust open the heavy duty plastic muffin tray and was scoffing the lot. He did love to tear the innards out of a large Yorkshire pudding though, eventually, realising resistant was futile, I just used to skite a cooled one across the kitchen and out into the hall, he would catch it like a Frisbee then get tore in. Happy days. I read your post about 'guilt' and 'doing the right thing'. You are going through a very normal reaction to your loss, as others will testify. I beat myself to a mental pulp after losing my pets, searched the internet [silly me] to see what, if anything I had done wrong, especially with darling Cody, was I to blame, but let me assure you, that too will pass as part of the grieving process. Sending good vibes and warm virtual hugs your way.

Issi
xx
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Re: Had to say goodbye to our Beautiful Boy

Post by BobbiRobbie »

Thanks so much, Issi. Yours and other people's responses are really helpful. I love the image you conjured in my mind of sliding a yorkshire pudding to your Gandhi! Charlie was known to stick his head in my hubby's glass if he filled it with milk and left it unattended by the sofa.

Charlie was the only cat I've ever had. Him, my little dog (Cookie), and my husband were a family unit; the four of us. I know nothing lives forever and part of me thinks if I'd known we had limited time then maybe I would've been more attentive to him. Not that he didn't get attention, but giving him extra attention knowing what was to come. But then I think, if we obsess over when our furbabies are going to pass on we'd not live with them in the "here and now" and we'd miss the special moments.

I think Charlie becoming acutely ill so quickly reminds me that nothing is guaranteed and the direction of life can change in an instant. I'm someone who likes certainty and Charlie has reminded me that we can plan all we want but there are some things out of our control.

There's a part of me that resents that life has to continue when all I want is for it to stand still and for me to shout "Don't you get it, my beautiful boy has gone?!".

I contacted the rescue centre where I got Charlie over 8 years' ago and asked if they needed food and litter as I have some unused. It's hard having it in the house and I want it to go to a good cause. They replied and said it'd be really appreciated.

They also asked me to consider having another cat. It's far too early for me to decide. Because Charlie has been my only cat I'd want another cat to be like him in their temperament, which isn't fair on the cat because each cat is unique. At the moment I also feel I'll be betraying his memory, silly as that may sound. We'll see, but I'm not going to think about that until later down the line.
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Re: Had to say goodbye to our Beautiful Boy

Post by Grace56 »

I am so very sorry for your loss, Bobbi.

I know that all the things you are feeling are very normal when grieving. Guilt, relief, the what ifs etc.

I know that all the wonderful people here will empathise with your grief and sadness, as I do. And you will be supported along the way.

I have a cat, Dave who has nose cancer and I will have to make that awful decision some time soon. I know that I will be helped on here.

Take care and my thoughts and prayers are with you, yours and darling Charlie. Xx
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Re: Had to say goodbye to our Beautiful Boy

Post by BobbiRobbie »

Thank you Grace, your words mean a lot.

I'm sorry to hear about Dave - what a wonderful name for a cat! I'll keep you both in my thoughts. This forum is so helpful because I'm able to talk about Charlie and how I feel; the good memories and the sad things.

My husband mentioned last night that he'd think about another cat in the future as he likes cats and would probably want another one (he's had lots of cats before). I got quite upset and started crying. I asked him to talk to me first and to please not just bring one home; he said he'd never do that. He said it's definitely not something he's thinking about at the moment and of course he'd talk to me. He said he's not sure right now. I was just overcome with emotion; I don't want to think about that now.

We found a place for the photograph we have of Charlie. I had my granddad's barometer on the wall opposite where we sit in the living room. I've moved the barometer and hung Charlie's photograph there so I can see him in front of me. The photograph makes me smile; Charlie looks like he has a 'knowing' smile. After letting Cookie out of her crate I said good morning to him this morning, like I used to :)

I was thinking I wished we'd kept some of Charlie's fur, but then why would we if we didn't know what was to come? He could get quite matted as he couldn't take care of himself as much and only a few days' before we'd been "de-matting" him. Sometimes some of the fur made it onto the floor but I couldn't find any. However, I remembered his bed and was able to get some of his "downy" undercoat from the bed and put this in a little box. This may sound weird but it gives me comfort knowing I have it.

I put a message out on a local message board last night for anyone who had a kitty who needed renal diet cat food, as I have a few pouches and half a bag of dry food. Seeing them in the cupboard is upsetting but I didn't want to throw them, so giving them to a kitty who needs them will make me feel better. A lady responded so I'm taking round them to her tonight. I have some other unopened boxes of pouches which I can take back to the shop as they're unopened. I feel bad about doing this because it feels like I'm doing it to be tight, but getting the small amount back will go towards the vet bill.
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Re: Had to say goodbye to our Beautiful Boy

Post by bobbys girl »

I still talk to Tommy when I am in the garden and I also have a little box with some of his downy fur. I' m sure we are not the only ones!
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Re: Had to say goodbye to our Beautiful Boy

Post by BobbiRobbie »

I'm sure we're not :)

It's nice to hear others do the same though. It reassures me that I'm not weird!
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Re: Had to say goodbye to our Beautiful Boy

Post by BobbiRobbie »

I've been looking through more photographs tonight and also found a few videos of Charlie which I'd forgotten about. I'm so grateful to have the videos as I can hear him meow again :)

We have a couple of videos where my husband has one of those fluffy 'snake' things on a stick and is trying to get him to play. Charlie used to play when I first got him but he seemed to get lazy really quick and decided that chasing things wasn't really his style anymore! He just sat there, pawing at the thing now and then but not making any effort to get up :lol:

I had an email from my insurance company today confirming they'd cancelled the policy. That left a lump in my throat. I did ring them to make sure we could still put our outstanding claims in and they said that's fine.

I took the unused food to a local woman tonight. She was so grateful and offered me money but I said no, so she said she'd buy some food and put it in the donation baskets in the supermarkets for cat/dog homes which I thought was nice. Her old boy was 17 and on a renal diet. She didn't realise she could order the food elsewhere and had been paying through the nose from the vets. She invited me in for a quick chat and said she'd wanted to introduce me to her cat, but he was out! So nice to meet her and she was very grateful. I feel better that the food will get used by a cat who needs it :)
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Re: Had to say goodbye to our Beautiful Boy

Post by BobbiRobbie »

Today has been difficult, perhaps because it's the weekend and I've not got work to distract me. I woke up and fed my dog, took in the silence of the house and started crying. I did go out to see a friend today and it was nice to chat to her, so that was a distraction. I also took my unopened cat food back to Pets at Home, so that money will be put towards the final vet bill.

I don't know if I mentioned but a card came through the other day from the emergency vets, sending their condolences. It was a white card with paw prints on and gold writing. I remember thinking at the time that it was a bit of a 'sparce' card. I looked at it again this morning and suddenly twigged that the paw prints weren't printed onto the card and there were random ink marks here and there on other parts of the card so the paw prints must be Charlie's. I couldn't believe it...I was very touched.

My friend said I should frame it and also said a lot of places can put paw prints onto different things (e.g., keyrings) and that they would just need a scan, so I might scan the prints and see if I'd like to put them on anything.

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Re: Had to say goodbye to our Beautiful Boy

Post by bobbys girl »

What a lovely think to do, such a nice keepsake. What do they say 'paw prints on your heart'?
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Re: Had to say goodbye to our Beautiful Boy

Post by BobbiRobbie »

Yeah, they do :)

Lovely to have this.
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Re: Had to say goodbye to our Beautiful Boy

Post by Josief »

So sorry for you and your husband. What a handsome boy Charlie was.

Said goodbye to my Thomas back in July (6 months almost - where does the time go?..) - came on here for comfort and support from people who really understand the emotional rollercoaster so I too know exactly how you are feeling. Still have tears, doubts and "what if" wobbles from time to time... They really are so precious and such a huge part of our lives. I admire your honesty in your comment about the finances - I have had one cat after another with long term health issues (I must have upset someone in a previous life!) but I don't think I ever openly admitted that relief felt from an end to the bills and the stress of the worry and regular visits to the vets(wouldn't stop me getting another cat though! - haven't been able to face that yet but I will...) I found one of his whiskers on the floor after he's gone - obviously I've kept it...and I talk to him all the time too...

Thinking of you and sending hugs

Jo x
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Re: Had to say goodbye to our Beautiful Boy

Post by BobbiRobbie »

Hi Jo,

Thanks for your reply and so sorry for your loss. Time does indeed fly. Finding your cat's whisker is a precious thing. I found a couple shells of Charlie's shedded claws and put these in a little box along with some bits of fur.

I'm getting more used to Charlie not being around, but it doesn't make it easier at the moment. I've been watching more videos which have made me smile. When I watch them though it still feels odd to think he's no longer around as it happened so quickly. It's hard to comprehend that life can seemingly be going along okay and then change so dramatically. There is no such thing as permanence.

Like you say finances wouldn't be the reason for stopping us getting another cat, if we get one, but we can at least clear the finances now as the vet bills went on my credit card. I don't have any regrets for all the money we spent, but there is relief in not having to think about accruing bills. I also feared that I'd one day have to choose between finances and Charlie so I'm glad that fear is gone too.

We ordered a stone garden ornament of a sleeping cat today to put under a bush where Charlie liked to sleep :)

I've also found a seller on Notonthehighstreet who does engraved keyrings of paw prints, so once I have some money set aside I'll send in a scan of Charlie's paw print and order those.

I've been watching some useful videos on youtube about losing a pet which have helped me feel better in terms of the fact that grieving for a pet isn't irrational. Some of the comments I've had from people (some are family members!) seem to assume that I should be okay by now, and that I need to forget what's past as I can't change it. I'm well aware I can't change things; I wouldn't be here if I could! People can be very flippant when it's such an emotional event. I need to grieve in my own way and accept that some people just won't get it.
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Re: Had to say goodbye to our Beautiful Boy

Post by bobbys girl »

Some people never do, but I guess that it is their loss. There is pain at these partings, but that is all part of the privilege of sharing your life with these wonderful creatures.

I love the idea of the paw print keyring.
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Re: Had to say goodbye to our Beautiful Boy

Post by BobbiRobbie »

Very true that it's their loss. I'm glad to have loved Charlie so deeply (still do) :)
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