The Cats' Diary Archive

The Weekend - Sat 25th / Sun 26th June - by Yogi
Where are them girls? I tell you honestly, some days I reckon I'm the only one doing anything round here. Gemini's got an excuse I s'pose. She's 'nearly sixteen', so according to Tangle that makes her officially an old biddy (only we're not actually allowed to say that, so I best not put that bit in the diary). Being an old biddy (and I didn't say that), she's allowed to sleep loads more than us. I don't know what Tangle's excuse is. She reckons today (Sunday) it's just been way too hot to do anything. Well it has, but that hasn't stopped me doing stuff. Someone's got to do stuff haven't they, or none of it would get done, would it? Stuff like taking leaves and frogs indoors, and like rugby-tackling the folks legs when they go past, and like helping to paint the kitchen. Well, I did all of that this weekend, I hope you're impressed. While Gemini and Tangle were either relaxing, or napping, or crashing out, there's me clocking up five leaves (including one with a slug on), three frogs, two rugby tackles (three if you count the one where I got the slipper instead of the leg), and two paws-worth of emulsion spread across the kitchen table! No wonder I'm knackered tonight. Check them teeth out though, great aren't they? It's good how they always grow in your mouth, isn't it? Nature's pretty smart sometimes.

Wednesday 22nd June - by Gemini
Well, finally it's happened, our Anniversary Raffle is at last drawn and done! I'm glad they didn't do it here mind you, it looked like a right old palaver. Off they went last night with bags full of paper and files, and tins full of over 1,300 scrunched up raffle tickets ready to go 'into the hat', (they counted them by the way, not me, I have better things to do with my time). I could have told them they'd never find a hat big enough to hold that lot, and I was right. I understand that the 'hat' on this occasion was more like a large plastic storage bin. Now I know what some of you are thinking (and it was suggested), that in this day and age, surely there is some clever, 21st century, high-tech, electronic way to draw ticket numbers? Well yes, there probably is, but this is our folks we're talking about here, and, well... just trust me, a plastic storage bin is safer! So it's congratulations all round to the lucky winners, and thanks all round to all the lovely people who supported us and bought tickets - it really has been a great success. But... I do have one teeensy complaint to make... on behalf of Tangle and Yogi too, not just myself you understand. Now, I know the raffle was important and all that, but so are our supper biscuits! I mean, just how long does it take to draw 51 tickets out of a bin? My tummy's important too, and it likes to have it's supper biscuits at normal bedtime, not at one o'clock in the morning (it's a disgracee, that's what that is). Note to the folks: Us cats need our routines... especially the edible ones!

Friday 17th June - by Yogi
I've just got to nip in here and say that was soooo neat, what I did today! Really perfect and neat it was, and I must have looked so cool doing it too (cooler than normal, in fact). I went back to front without stopping! I came in through the catflap, whizzed across the kitchen, hared up the hall and shot straight out the front door (which our human of the female variety was holding open, just for me). You should have seen me... back to front... just like that, bish bosh! Now, why can't one of them stand there all the time?

Monday 13th June - by Tangle & Yogi
Tangle: So... exactly how many frogs do you think you can bring in, in one day then?
Yogi: Well, I dunno exactly. I suppose it depends on whether it's raining, 'cos more frogs come out when it's wet, and it depends on whether the folks lock the catflap to stop me going out for any more, and I suppose it also depends on how smart and quick I am compared to how smart and quick the frogs are. I bought in exactly six frogs yesterday though. Isn't that enough then?
Tangle: That's more than enough. I didn't mean it like a challenge! And while I think about it, could you be a bit more careful where you leave them, please?
Yogi: Why? Oh, do you mean the one I put behind the sofa, or the one in our human of the male variety's shoe?
Tangle: Neither! I mean the one I got woken up by, when he hopped into my private hidey-place under the spare bed!
Yogi: That wasn't my fault! I left him on the landing, he must have just hopped in there by himself!
Tangle: Yeah, but it's still your fault for bringing him in in the first place. In fact, I think you're overdue for a biff round the ear, Yogi-Pogi.
Yogi: Hey, that's not fair. Gerroffmee! I can biff back you know...
Tangle: Not as well as I can biff matey...
Yogi: Oy, stoppittt... I'm only little!

Wednesday 8th June - by Gemini
Listen, this isn't exactly a diary entry, but someone's got to say it - Cat Chat is eleven today! I know, I could hardly believe my whiskers when I realised. Where did the time go? I was only five when it started up! Of course back then, it was only me and George and half a dozen paltry pages on the web, (well, and the folks pushing the buttons, but they don't really count, do they?). So did we get a birthday cake with lots of cream on? Nope. Or extra prawns? Nope. What we did get though was a lovely email from one rescue centre sayinig they'd homed nine kittens in one day through their Cat Chat page, and another one telling us that a home had been found for a little FIV positive puss thanks to a contact made through the CC pages. So who cares about cake! That's the celebration, right there! OK, that's enough... I'm in danger of getting all sentimental, so I think I'll go and nick some of Yogi's biscuits and take over that lap that Tangle's on, and act like the truly selfish cat that I've worked so hard at being all these years. Eleven years though, who'd have thought..?

Monday 6th June - by Yogi
I know I'm only two, but I'm sure I'm getting smarter in my old age. I'm getting better at problem solving, anyway. The problem was, if I caught a nice frog during the evening you could bet your last biscuit that the folks would find it and plop it back in the pond before they went to bed. Well, that's no good if I want a frog to play with in the night, is it? We're all locked in at night (I know, just like prisoners!), so it's not like I can just go out and get another one. So last night I found an ingenious solution - instead of bringing a frog in during the evening, I brought two frogs in! I put one in a safe hidey-place, and left the other one in plain sight in the kitchen. That way, I figured they'd think they'd found 'my frog', put him back in the pond and go to bed none the wiser. And they fell for it! So when I fancied a play at 4 o'clock this morning, my second frog was ready and waiting. He was a great little hopper too. Shame he was also good at squeaking. I only got a few good hops out of him before he woke the folks up. In hindsight, maybe I'd've been better off playing with him downstairs instead of making him hop round their bedroom. Oh well, live and learn.

Friday 3rd June / Saturday 4th June - by Yogi
I'm a fearless, bold adventurer I am, and now even Gemini and Tangle know just how fearless and bold I really am. Last night I didn't come home... at all. Not even for my supper biscuits! Those girls might be content to stay indoors all night, every night, but last night I took a walk on the wild side. The folks expected me to come indoors as usual, and I know they'll have put the catflap on 'In Only' for me, and had my biscuits all ready and waiting. But fearless, bold adventurers don't care about going 'In Only', no, we like to go In, and Out, and Up and Down, and wherever else we please, so that's just what I did last night. No safe, comfy bed in the warm for Yogi the bold adventurer! Instead, there I was, out on my own... taking my own risks... living on my wits... staying up past my bedtime, and everything! Luckily I found an old blanket to sleep on, but apart from that I was out there, bravely facing whatever challenges the night had to throw at me, and through it all I survived to tell the tale. Well, that's the tale I told Gemini and Tangle anyway, and I think they're really impressed. I just didn't quite tell them the whole tale, that's all. Well, it wouldn't sound so impressive if they knew I'd just got shut in the garage all night by mistake, would it?

Sunday 29th May - by Gemini
Oh... my... goodness! Yogi wasn't telling tall tales after all, or imagining it, or dreaming. He really did see a giant mouse with a giant fluffy tail. Except that it wasn't exactly a mouse... it was in fact, exactly a squirrel! I couldn't believe my whiskers when I saw it. There it was, sat on our fence washing it's furry little face. The folks couldn't believe it either, judging by the way they were scrambling for the camera. And then, if you please, he only jumped down onto our grass, and proceeded to have a picnic under the bird table! Did you know squirrels ate bird seed? I didn't, but then I've never met a squirrel before. Funny little thing, isn't it? Yogi wanted to know if there was anything in my rulebook about chasing squirrels, because he reckoned he chased it up over the fence the other day (and then lost it when it went up the pigeon tree). Well, unfortunately there aren't any rules covering that yet, on account of this being the first squirrel ever to visit Cat Chat Towers. So I shall do the only sensible thing, and make squirrel rules up as I go. And woe betide Yogi if he breaks one of the rules I haven't yet made up!

Monday 23rd May - by Tangle & Gemini
Tangle: 'Ere Gemini, that's good news about your lump though, isn't it? I heard the folks say it was just a granny thing.
Gemini: What? No, it isn't a granny thing. It's got nothing to do with grannies! It's a granuloma, that's what they called it.
Tangle: Oh right, yeah, that was it. So... what's a granuloma then?
Gemini: Well... it's like a um, you know, just a lumpy thing. A lumpy thing that's nothing to worry about unless it gets bigger, that's what the vet said.
Tangle: Fair enough. So anyway, what d'you reckon on that story Yogi came out with this morning?
Gemini: What, that story about seeing a giant mouse with a giant fluffy tail?
Tangle: Yeah, he reckoned it was ten times the size of a normal mouse, and he said it ran up next door's tree. That can't be true, can it?
Gemini: I don't think so Tangle, I've never seen a mouse like that in all my fifteen-and-three-quarter years. It sounds to me like he's got an over-active imagination. Either that or he dreamed it.
Tangle: Good. That's what I thought too. So, errr... is it safe to turn round yet?
Gemini: No not yet, she's still pointing that blasted camera at us.

Thursday 19th May - by Tangle
I knew it! The catflap's never locked after breakfast, but it was today so I knew something was going on. Trouble is there was no telling what was going on, so I hid behind the sofa anyway, just to be on the safe side. Only it turned out the sofa didn't have a safe side today, not when the folks came along and moved it! Talk about unfair, two against one and no sofa to hide behind. So anyway, I ended up in a cat-box, only to find Gemini had already been cornered and was waiting in the hall in a cat-box too. Now I dunno how Yogi got out of this one, but he did, and me and Gemini both ended up at the vets. My turn was OK as it goes, just the usual eyes-ears-teeth-tum check (all fine), and a go on the scales (Gemini says I don't have to say what my weight was if I don't want, she says things like that are covered by the data protection act). Gemini's turn was a right funny old do though. At one point there were three of them (two vets and our human of the female variety), all prodding up and down her back, going 'Can you feel it yet?' ... 'No, not yet' ... 'Oh there it is, I've got it!' ... 'Where, let me feel...' ... 'It's just there, where my finger is' ... 'Errrr, nope, are you sure?' ... 'Yes, right here, look... no, left a bit...' ... 'Oh yeah, got it! Oh no, it's gone again'... and so on. The thing is she's got this little lump, the folks discovered it the other night, only it keeps moving about! Well, the vets finally cornered it, stuck a needle in it and got some stuff out of it to send off somewhere. Mind you, I had to tell Gemini what they'd done afterwards, they took so long finding the lump she'd fallen asleep on the table!

Wednesday 18th May - by Gemini
Young Yogi certainly has a lot to learn. I'm sure I wasn't that daft at his age. This afternoon we got this mouse, you see. Well, I say 'we', but technically Yogi caught it, in the weeds at the back of our garage. Fair play to him, he's not bad at catching things, he just hasn't got the hang of keeping hold of them. He'd only gone a few feet with it, when Mr. (or Mrs., it's hard to tell) Mouse starts wriggling, and Yogi just dropped it. Lucky I was there really, or it might have got away altogether. As it turned out, I intercepted mousey by the garage door, giving it three choices of destination - me, Yogi or the wheelie bins. Mousey chose the bins. So that's where the folks saw us, me one side of the bin looking innocent, and Yogi the other side going frantic, sticking his paw under the bin and giving the game away. Now, if he'd just sat there quietly and played a waiting game like I told him, the folks would've been none the wiser and more than likely just left us to it, and eventually mousey would have come out to play, but oh no. So over they came, one picks Yogi up while the other moved the bin, so mousey panics and squeezes himself under the garage door (I swear that gap isn't big enough, how do they do that?). So anyway, as far as we know that's where it still is. Hiding in the garage. Thanks to Yogi. What a muppet, eh?

Friday 13th May - by Yogi & Tangle
Yogi: 'Ere Tangle, come and have a look at this. You'll never believe what she's doing with these greenflies.
Tangle: Listen Yogi, I've lived here longer than you and nothing our humans do would surprise me any more. (Tangle stays put in her bed)
Yogi: Yeah but this is mental. She's getting 'em on her finger and trying to make 'em fly out the bedroom window!
Tangle: Don't be daft, since when have we had greenfly in the bedroom? OK, hold on, I need to see this. (Tangle gets up and trots into the bedroom).
Yogi: Told you so! Look, there's loads of greenfly all stuck to the washing! And there... see... she's putting them out the window! She's not right in the head, if you ask me.
Tangle: Yeah, I see what you mean, that is a bit mad. Why'd she bring the washing up here to do that? She could have got them to fly off while it was still hanging out on the line
Yogi: No! I didn't mean that. What I meant was, why's she letting perfectly good greenfly out the window, when she could be eating them, like I do!
Tangle: Oh Yogi-pogi, you are truly gross, you know that?

Thursday 5th May - by Yogi
You know, I don't seem to be able to do anything right around here. I catch a mouse, the folks aren't happy, I catch a leaf and Tangle's not happy. It was a decent big mouse I got today too, not just a little squirt like last time. I thought the folks would be really impressed with this one. Well I think they were... sort of... I still got fussed and everything, only first they nicked my mouse off me, took him back outside, shut me indoors and locked the cat-flap, (to give him a head start, they said). A head start? Who's side are they on? Anyway, when I finally got to go outside again I figured seeing as my mouse had now run away, I'd take them a leaf instead. Well, Tangle always gets major fussing when she takes leaves in, and you don't have the problem of leaves running away either. Well the folks were much more pleased with my leaf than my mouse, but Tangle certainly wasn't! She said leaves were her job, and chased me up the stairs, cornered me by the filing cabinet and boxed me round the ears! I can't win! I'll just have to go back to frogs. Frogs don't need a head start when the folks put 'em back in the pond, and Tangle doesn't do frogs. Gemini says frogs are my raison d'etre, but I don't think they can be. For a start, our frogs are English.

Wednesday 27th April - by Gemini
Oh, I do like our vet! No really, I do, especially when he says such nice things about me like he did today. I had my annual 'Senior Cat MOT' today, which thankfully I passed with flying colours. Anyway, back to our lovely vet. He began by admiring my full, complete and original set of teeth. All present and correct they are, not even needing any maintenance either. And there's our folks with all their brushing, flossing and mouthwashing, and a fat lot of good it's done them! (perhaps they should have ditched the floss and taken up eating cat biscuits instead?). Then he commented on how well I was maintaining my weight, (exactly the same as last year apparently). Now that's one big advantage of being a Senior Kittizen, us oldies don't store as much fat as the young 'uns, with the rather pleasing result that I can eat as much as I like, as often as I like, and not put on an ounce! So apart from my arthritis, our lovely vet pronounced me in tip top health, and said I 'belied my age'. Did you hear that Yogi-Pogi? I bely my age, the vet says so, which makes it official. And that means I can still run every bit as fast as you if I want to, so just keep that in mind next time you come sniffing round my bottom when you think I'm asleep... because you won't get away with it again matey! Ah look - there I am 'belying my age' on our new cushions, which amazingly, for the first time ever in the history of Cat Chat cushions, actually match the sofa! (thanks to our old friend the Custard Lady for providing the unconventional, but thankfully fool-proof (and therefore folks-proof) colour matching method).

Monday 25th April (Easter disaster, part three) - by Tangle
Well that's it. They've gone and done it. My nice spare room is now two shades of pink (as if one wasn't bad enough), and just as I thought, it smells disgusting! As at this evening the spare room stuff and the spare bed are all back where they belong, and my special space underneath the bed is back too. Except that I can't go in it, because that also smells of stinky pink paint. Oh yeah - and the icing on the cake - they've only gone and washed the blanket from my box-under-the-bed! So now that smells of stinky fabric conditioner. 'Summer Meadow' apparently, (yeah right, if you say so). What was wrong with it being covered in my fur and smelling of me? That's how I liked it! Surely there must be a fabric conditioner out there called 'Aroma of Old Cat Fur' or 'Essence of Cat Dribble' or something? I had to go on the fleecy bed on the old wicker basket instead, (that hasn't been washed for ages). That's the trouble with people, they don't appreciate all the really nice smells in the world!

Sunday 24th April (Easter disaster, part two) - by Tangle
Oh right, I get it... paint pots, brushes, old sheets and a stepladder... now I know what they're up to. They're painting... in my spare room... where my special space-under-the-spare-bed used to be. Don't our folks know how stinky that stuff is? Don't they realise us cats' sense of smell is about fourteen times as powerful as theirs? So even when I get my special space back, it's going to be ponging of pink paint for weeks! (Oh yes, I did say pink, just when I thought it couldn't get any worse).

Saturday 23rd April - (Easter disaster, part one) by Tangle
OK, so where's my special space under the spare bed gone then, eh? They know I like that space! It was definitely there yesterday. I know, because I went in it and had a nice wash and a nap in my private box-under-the-bed, behind the frilly valance, away from any prying Yogi's. But when I wanted to go in there this morning, it'd gone! Not only had my special space gone, but the whole spare bed had gone too! Well I found the bed, no trouble, that was in bits in the folks bedroom, but my space from underneath it was nowhere to be seen. All the other stuff from the spare room has gone too, that's piled up in the Cat Chat office. So technically, there's loads of space in the spare room now, but none of it looks like my special space. Something's going on, and even Gemini isn't sure what it is. What's wrong with people, why can't they just leave things as they are!

Tuesday 19th April - by Yogi
I think them Doves from Above laugh at me, you know. I think they take the mickey out of me behind their beaky little beaks, because I haven't managed to catch one of 'em yet. You can see it written all over their feathery little faces. Well, one of these days I'll have the last laugh. One of these days I'll get the better of one of 'em and I'll be having Dove Pie for tea, (only without the pie bit, obviously). I think they think it's funny because I can't get up onto the bird house. I mean just look! Look at him sitting there, all smug as a smug thing. He hadn't even got the decency to fly away and pretend he was scared of me, well that's not fair, is it? The thing is, they've got an unfair advantage, being as there's loads of them and only one of me. So even when one of 'em's down on our grass eating the seed that's dropped off the bird table and I'm doing my best stalking (through the weed borders, behind the pond and then sneaking out from under the big bush), the others are all keeping a look-out with their beady little birdy eyes. But someday... somehow... I swear I'll get one! In the meantime I wonder if the folks would put a ladder up to the bird house for me..?

Wednesday 13th April - by Tangle
OMG, how embarrassing was that! I've never felt so silly in my life. Honestly, I'm so glad Yogi wasn't watching. I got stuck in the litter tray! It wasn't really my fault though, it's our folks' fault for having those covered-in type of litter trays. You know, the ones like a little house with a plastic door like a catflap on the front. Although saying that, it wasn't the litter tray that was the problem, I like them usually, because you get a bit of privacy. But usually it's in a sensible place! So I reckon it's really the folks fault for putting it where they did, while they were getting ready to scoop out the... you know... the bits. They'd left it on the kitchen floor with half it's front facing a cupboard. Well the thing was, I needed a wee and I needed it right then, so I managed to nudge the plastic door open and squeeze in through the half that wasn't facing a cupboard. Job done, I thought. Well yes... and no. The thing is, the plastic door swings inwards with no bother, even while it's facing a cupboard, but when I came to try and get out again... Yeah, yeah, I know, it's obvious now!

Thursday 7th April - by Gemini
"Oh, come on Gemini, you can't get in there!", said our human of the female variety, after she'd stuffed the winter duvet in the blanket box. She reckoned there wasn't room in there for me too. Well, I'm sorry, but I beg to differ. If I want to get inside the blanket box I shall, and no duvet, winter or otherwise, is going to stop me. Me and that blanket box go back a long way, in any case. I remember it when it's cover was still intact, in fact! Consequently, I know perfectly well what'll fit inside it and what won't. Which is precisely what I told Yogi when he came along, looking all curious and hopeful, thinking he was going to get in it too. Not a chance, Yogi Pogi! You may just be a skinny little two-year-old whipper-snapper I told him, but if one day he'd like to be a skinny little three-year-old whipper-snapper then he'd be well advised not to go poking his nose in other people's blanket boxes, expecially mine. He wisely retreated shortly after this photo was taken, (he's clearly not as daft as he looks). Yogi has grown on me over the last year though, I will admit. I've started letting him share the sofa with me sometimes, and last week I even allowed him to be on the spare bed at the same time as me. But I'm sure you'll agree, the notion of sharing a blanket box would be a favour too far!

Sunday 3rd April - by Yogi & Tangle
Yogi: Oy lemme out! That's not fair! C'mon, lemme out!
(Yogi pummels the catflap)
Tangle: It's no good Yogi, they're not going to unlock it yet. They know full well what you're after.
Yogi: But I caught that mouse fair and square! I'm a cat... it's a mouse... it's what I'm supposed to do. C'mon, lemme out!
(Yogi continues to pummel the catflap)
Tangle: Well, if you really wanted to keep hold of that mouse you shouldn't have been playing with it in the middle of the grass in full view of the folks, should you? So now they've taken the mouse's side and given him a head start!
Yogi: Well I didn't know that's what they were doing, did I? I thought they were really impressed with me, and that's why they came out and picked me up, and gave me a fuss...
Tangle: Yeah, and then you dropped the mouse and he legged it. Listen Yogi, it's obvious they only picked you up to distract you so you'd drop the mouse!
Yogi: Really? Did they? But... what about getting fussed then? They fussed me loads!
Tangle: That's because they love you though, that's got nothing to do with the mouse. I mean, look at how much fuss I get when I bring a leaf in, and I'm sure it's not 'cos they love leaves.
Yogi: Yeah I see what you mean. I got fussed for bringing my twigs in the other day. So... you're saying we could bring any old thing in, and they'd still give us a fuss?
Tangle: Probably, yeah.
Yogi: Humans are really weird, aren't they? Still wish they'd unlock that catflap. My mouse could be miles away by now. C'mon, if you love me that much, lemme out!

Monday 28th March - by Tangle
Oh yeah, this is good. This is really good in fact. I like rolling pretty much anywhere, but I've never enjoyed rolling on the living room floor as much as this before. I could roll on this for hours! Our human of the female variety's been banging on about getting a new rug for ages, I think 'cos me and Yogi pulled half the threads out of the old one. Anyway, so this big parcel turned up, a great fat, tall tubey thing, and it's been stood up in the hall all day. We were all wondering what it was, it certainly didn't look like a rug stood up like that. But now it's out of it's tube and laying on the floor, it's just so... well, you know, so wonderfully rollable! It's obviously designed for cats too. It's got these soft, squidgy, square bits all over it (for rolling on), and in between those it's got long, thick stringy bits (for sharpening claws on). 'Course, it'll be even better once it's been run in a bit. A few threads pulled out here and there... a couple of furballs thrown up on it... half a glass of red wine knocked over it, you know, the usual stuff. I'll get Yogi to spread some mud on it too, after he's been poking round the pond, that'll help. It'll take a bit of time to get it like the old one, but you've got to start somewhere haven't you?

Frog-day 25th March - by Yogi
12.25pm: See what I did there? It may be Friday where you are but it's Frog-day here! You guessed it... at approximately 12.25 today I caught my first frog of the year! I took him straight into the Cat Chat office, and the folks must have been so impressed, he was a whopper! They've put him back in the pond now of course, so I'll have to see if I can get another one. The thing is, I was so pleased getting the first one I forgot to have a proper game with him. I didn't even give him a chance to have a hop round the house. So I better go... they'll be really disappointed if I only get the one!
6pm: Grrrr, that's not fair. I waited all day for another frog and didn't get one, and now it's getting dark, so they won't come out again, it's not fair! I got a couple of twigs though. Really nice they are, skinny little twiggy ones, just perfect for throwing up in the air and pouncing on as they come down. I had a good play with them, and even Tangle came and had a go. I've hidden them now though, somewhere top secret where the folks can't find them, so I can play with them later, (probably after they've gone to bed, so that they wonder what the thumping's all about). I wish I had a frog hidden away for later, but my twigs will just have to do for now.

Monday 21st March - by Gemini
The bundles of frogspawn in our pond may be the first sign of summer round here, but Tangle's belly is definitely the second! Or, to be more specific, the prolonged exposure of Tangle's belly to the sun, as she rolls on her back with her legs in the air, out on the patio steps. Gravity's a funny thing though, isn't it? She looks relatively normal when she's up the right way, but upside-down gravity spreads her under-carriage out like a a big, sprawling, furry jelly, and it's only then that you realise how w-i-d-e that girl is! So anyway, now that we've been treated to the seasonal spectacle of the Tangle tummy I'm pleased to announce that summer is definitely on it's way. Of course one of the best things for me about summer is that the folks have salads more often, which means that we get prawns more often. And, if I'm really lucky, they'll get the wrong sort of prawns (the ones Tangle and Yogi won't eat), and then there's all the more for me! Oh, now listen, I didn't mean that to sound as though I was selfish or anything. It probably did though, and I probably am, come to think of it. But then I am a cat (and have been for fifteen-and-a-half years), so I'm meant to be selfish. It's in the job description. And I always pride myself on doing a good job!

Wednesday 16th March - by Yogi
OK, look this is a bit embarrassing, but Gemini said if I didn't say it then she would, (and she'd make it sound even more embarrassing than it really is, so I'm going to hold my paws up and just admit it). The thing is, the frogs have been back in our pond since Sunday, and I haven't managed to catch one yet! There's loads of 'em too, all thrashing around making frog-jelly, but none of them are coming out to play, they're all staying in the water! It's really frustrating, they're so close but I can't catch one when they're all wet and still in the water, can I? I'm eating lots of their jelly though, that's scrummy that is! The calico cat from up the road came in the garden today and started eating some too, but then Tangle saw him and went into Chavvy-Tangle mode, and chased him up over next door's fence, swearing at him all the way, (I'm glad Tangle's my mate, I wouldn't want to be on the wrong side of her, I can tell you). Anyway, exactly how long does it take frogs to finish doing their jelly? I hope it's not too much longer or I might have to get swimming lessons... or water wings... or a wetsuit. Come on frogs, hurry up!

Sunday 12th March - by Yogi
The frogs are back! The frogs are back! All of a sudden, this morning, there they were, just like that! Listen I can't stop, gotta go... the frogs are back!

Thursday 10th March - by Tangle
I do love Yogi, I really do, he's my mate and everything, but he's getting way too cheeky if you ask me. The thing is, he's only two and I'm nearly four, and so he wants to play twice as much as I do. Most of the time that's fine, 'cos if I don't want to play I just sneak off to my secret bed-under-the-spare-bed which is a no-Yogi-zone. But lately ('specially since we got back home from the cattery last week), he's started ambushing me with this new tactic to get me to play with him. Well, it's not a tactic really, it's just a new way to get my attention. He comes up behind me and bites me on the bum! Gemini didn't believe me when I told her, but it's true, one of the folks saw him do it today so I'm not making it up. Oh it's not like a proper bite, it doesn't hurt or nothing, but even so, it's my bum and that is't allowed, is it? The trouble is, if someone comes up and bites you on the bum, you have to turn round and chase them, don't you? So I do chase him, of course I do, but that's just what Yogi wants me to do isn't it, so it's only going to make him bite me on the bum even more! I dunno what to do. I'm not old enough to say I'm not going to play, and I can't be bothered, like Gemini does. I'm not an old biddy just yet, am I? I tell you, it's really tricky being nearly four!

Friday 4th March - by Yogi, Gemini and Tangle
Yogi: Home! We're Home! Look! It's still all here, just how we left it... all the same rooms, the same stuff... the same catflap, and... yessss.. the same pond! I'm off out to see if my frogs are back yet, byeeee..!
Gemini: Goodness me, what else did he expect? Honestly Tangle, he's just like my George used to be. He'd go bonkers for hours every time we got home from a stay in the cattery. It must be a boy thing.
Tangle: Yeah, but it's good to be back though, isn't it? It was a bit, you know... boring in there. I missed all my special places, and I missed sitting on laps (now that I'm good at those), but most of alI I missed chasing Yogi round the garden.
Gemini: He was only in the next-door pen though, I mean at least you could see him every day.
Tangle: Yeah, but that sort of made it worse in a way, 'cos when I see Yogi I want to chase Yogi.
Gemini: Well, you can make up for lost time now we're back, can't you. Look - here he comes now.
(Yogi crashes in through the catflap, sees Gemini, skids on the doormat trying to avoid her and goes haring off up the hall)
Tangle: Come here you! I've got two weeks of chasing to catch up on, you're not out-running me today Yogi-Pogi!
(Tangle catches up with Yogi by the front door, and biffs him round the ear)
Yogi: Oi, what was that for?
Tangle: That was for two weeks of you pulling funny faces at me and Gemini through the sneeze-screen at the cattery.
Yogi: I didn't! I wasn't pulling any funny faces!
Gemini: Actually Tangle, I think he has a point. He just looks like that naturally.
Yogi: Yeah, see! Errr, thanks Gemini...

Friday 18th February - A rare posting by the folks - uh-oh...
Sorry Tangle, but Gemini was right. Well, sort of. Not the vets, but a short term 'Cattery Posting'. Hence diary entries will resume in a couple of weeks - sorry guys!

Thursday 17th February - by Tangle
Gemini's not going to like me saying this, but it turns out she's not always right after all. When a cat-box appeared in the hall this morning she said one of us was bound to end up down the vets. Well she was wrong, because none of us did go down the vets. The folks put the cat-box in the cupboard under the stairs instead, and that was that. Gemini still reckons there's something 'going on' though, because we've never had a cat-box under the stairs before. She says our cat-boxes always live in the garage. Well she's wrong about that too, because what she doesn't know is that all three of our cat-boxes are now under the stairs (she was asleep on her fluffy cube when the folks put the other two in there). So now it's gone teatime, so no-one's going to the vets today, and nothing 'goes on' under our stairs either. Well, except for last week when the folks fitted a carpet under there, now that was a bit weird. So anyway, I don't recon anything's 'going on' like Gemini says, but I'm not going under the stairs... just in case.

Sunday 13th February - by Gemini
This extra-fat scratching post we got for Christmas really is the business, you know. Naturally I made it clear from day one that I'd be the only one allowed to sit on top of it. Tangle and Yogi are both at liberty to use it for scratching, of course, but certainly not for sitting on and lording it over the rest of the household. Well let's face it, you can't have more than one cat being in charge can you? That'd be almost as bad as if the humans were in charge, and imagine what a shambles that would be! No, it's quite clear that my place is at the top of the tree, both literally and metaphorically speaking. Being at the top of the 'literal' tree also means I can beat Tangle every time in our one-up-one-down paw-swiping games. Tangle wanted me to mention her Great Achievement in the diary today, but seeing as her 'Great Achievement' was bringing two leaves in from the garden and then miaowing at the top of her voice until the folks came to admire them, I didn't think I'd bother. But I suppose I have just bothered, after all. See, I'm not as selfish as I like to think I am! Oh - and did I mention the fresh chicken we got for lunch today? I didn't? Well that's probably because we didn't get any. In fact we haven't had fresh chicken in over a week now, scandalous isn't it? (Did you see what I did there? That was a subtle hint to the folks, that was. I just hope it wasn't too subtle for them).

Monday 7th February - by Gemini
I'd like to make a formal complaint! Mind you, I'm not sure how to do that, to be honest. The late, great Colonel Beau used to file complaints all the time (or at least, he said he did), but he didn't leave any instructions, so I'm just going to complain here in the diary and hope for the best. It's about my claws. Or more accurately, it's about the folks clipping my claws. I'd like to complain because (a) they're my claws, not theirs, (b) I object to having them clipped while I'm trying to relax on my fluffy cube, and (c) it's dangerous! Oh, I don't mean the actual clipping's dangerous, but the unintended consequences certainly are. I bet they didn't think of this when they were gaily nipping the sharp ends off just because I was getting a bit snagged-up here and there. The thing is, I like to jump up on the folks' bed first thing in the morning; I enjoy a nice bit of fuss, and they get woken up by the furriest, purriest, most gorgeous alarm clock they could wish for. Trouble is, that bed's quite high up, and you need a good leap and set of nice sharp grappling-hooks (alias claws) to make sure you scale the last bit successfully. Well there's the problem, you see. Thanks to their misguided and frankly unauthorised clipping activities, this morning my natural 'grappling hooks' (or what's left of them) could just about grapple, but most certainly not hook, and I ended up falling back into an undignified heap on the bedroom floor! I'm sure this is a violation of my feline rights, or... a breach of my civil liberties, or... Oi, stop sniggering, it's not funny!

Wednesday 2nd February - by Yogi
Well it's about time our folks learned the difference between fighting and playing, I reckon. They seem to think just because there's lots of scuffling, yowling and rolling around that it's a fight! Well that's what they must've thought today when they opened the back door and shouted, and frightened one of my mates away. We were only having a friendly spat on the patio, that's all, we weren't getting hurt or anything, and I think I was winning too. Just because he's twice my size doesn't mean I need protecting! Honestly though, I mean how embarrassing, having your folks making a fuss in front of your mates. I'm a big boy now, I'm nearly two for goodness' sake. I think they worried because it was the big black and white cat from no-one-knows-where, the one who drinks out of our pond sometimes and the one Tangle has 'issues' with. Luckily she was asleep upstairs when this was going on, otherwise she'd have got into a right old hissy-strop. She reverts to Chavvy-Tangle when she sees him, and comes out with all sorts of language. So anyway, out came the folks and off goes my mate, over the fence back to no-one-knows-where. I hope he come's back tomorrow. If he does we'll have round two in next door's garden. We should be safe there, the hosepipe's still broken. Unless Chavvy-Tangle sees us, she's more frightening than the hosepipe!

Saturday 29th January - by Tangle
All this time and I never knew what I was missing! Last week I discovered for the first time, the proper way to do laps. I've been on a lap a little bit before, you know, like walking across one, or sitting down for a minute just to see if I could and then nipping off again quick before anything scary happens, but I've never been on one properly. Gemini's always said laps are the best place to be, and she'll stay on one for as long as it sits still. So last week, when Gemini was on her fluffy cube, I gave it a go. I got up on our human of the female variety's lap... settled down... and stayed there! First time ever. I don't think she could believe it. She kept stroking me, so that made me get all sleepy after a bit, and then I did it - I actually went to sleep there. Well, since then I've been up there every evening since (apart from one, when Gemini beat me to it). I'm even discovering the different ways to sleep on a lap. I quite like across-ways, where I have my front paws on one of her legs and my bum on the other, but if I feel like really stretching out then the forward-way's the best. That's where I lay full length along both her legs with my autumn belly (still haven't got rid of that) hanging down the groove in the middle and my head hanging over the front of her knees. So all this time I've missed out on laps, and in less than a week I'm nearly an expert!

Monday 24th January - by Gemini
You know that phrase 'the cat who got the cream'? Well here's what it looks like in practice - because today I was that cat! And this was no ordinary cream either, oh no, this was top-notch double-cream (which probably means it was specially made by twin cows, or maybe one special cow working double time). Anyway, however it was made it was very much enjoyed by me. It's even better licked off the folks fingers too, (just warms it up that half a degree, makes all the difference). Oh, I know it's bad for me, but it's hard to think about that when it tastes so good! (which I notice, was the same weak excuse the folks used for demolishing three bottles of Baileys over Christmas). So how can I justify using up a whole diary entry just to talk about my double-cream indulgence? Well, partly because neither Tangle or Yogi were about at the time so they didn't get any, and partly because I'm fifteen-and-a-bit with all my own teeth (and all my own marbles) and as such I think I'm entitled to do pretty much as I please. Well, age has to have some benefits, doesn't it, and doing as I please is one of them, and being the cat who got the cream is another!

Friday 21st January - by Tangle
Yep, it's a mystery alright. A complete mystery, how my best cat-bed ended up upside down at the bottom of the stairs yesterday evening. It's especially mysterious because to get there it had to go from the radiator-side of the spare room over to the door-side, through the door, across the landing, then turn the corner to the stairs and then go all the way down to the bottom. On it's own? Well, that's the mystery! Even stranger, the cushion from inside it ended up halfway down the hall. It's a mystery that's baffling the folks that's for sure. They knew my bed was in it's proper place under the spare room radiator when they went out (on account of me being in it), but when they got back from wherever-it-is-they-go, there it was upside down at the foot of the stairs. They've come up with a few far-fetched theories of how..? who..? why..? but none of them are right. Do I know how, who, why? Well of course I know. Gemini and Yogi know too, seeing as we were all here when it happened, but we're not going to tell them, are we?

Monday 17th January - by Tangle, Gemini & Yogi
Tangle: Ah, this is nice, isn't it? It is though, really nice, isn't it, don't you think?
Gemini: If you mean the temperature being in the pluses instead of the minuses, then yes I agree, it's very nice. Almost like spring.
Yogi: Spring? Does that mean my frogs'll come back? I don't half miss my frogs.
Tangle: Yeah well, I bet they don't miss you as much as you miss them!
Yogi: What d'you mean? My frogs love coming indoors to play. I bet they can't wait to come back from... wherever it is they've gone.
Gemini: Don't worry Yogi, they'll be back, but not just yet. I reckon you're looking at another seven or eight weeks, depending on the pluses and minuses.
Tangle: I wouldn't bet on it. I mean, look what happened last year - Yogi spent all summer by that pond, catching frogs and bringing 'em indoors, just so he could watch 'em jump about. If I was them, I'd find myself a different pond this year, one without a resident Yogi.
Yogi: Nooooo! They wouldn't do that, would they Gemini? She's talking rubbish isn't she... Gemini?
Gemini: Well, you'll just have to wait and see won't you. Tell you what, why don't you just stay up there on that table until they get back. You're bound to see them first from up there.
Yogi: But, you said it'd be seven or eight weeks before they come back!
Gemini: That's right, well... give or take a week. Come on Yogi, patience is a virtue as they say. We'll call you in for mealtimes though... honest!

Tuesday 11th January - by Tangle
I want to know how he does that! Yogi does this thing. It's not a normal thing, it can't be, but it's pretty baffling and I want to do it too! He just seems to be able to materialise out of nowhere, whenever it suits him. Lots of times when no-one knows where he is, he's just out, and that's OK, and those times he just comes in the catflap like a normal cat. But other times (like this morning), he's not out, but then he's not in either, well that's when he does the thing. The folks wanted to give him his baldy-bits pill so they had the treat-sticks ready, and me and Gemini were ready because we get treat sticks too (only without the pill). Except there was no Yogi. Now I know he wasn't out, I'd just seen him go up the stairs, and he hadn't come down again so he had to be up there. Except he wasn't. The folks looked, and I looked, and our upstairs really isn't that big, and he really, really wasn't there! So our human of the female variety sat on the stairs to give me a fuss instead, and then he did it. He just materialised! Where from? How? I feel like boxing his ears to make him tell me, but he just says he didn't do anything. He says he was there all along, but he wasn't, he really wasn't. I think he's playing tricks. Gemini never does that. She says if it is a trick it's a stupid one. Gemini says you should always be able to find yourself exactly where you left yourself when you last looked, and anything else is a waste of time and energy. She's probably right, but... I'd still like to know how he does that!

Wednesday 5th January 2011 - by Gemini
Oh dear. Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear. I thought at first they were putting it on, making out they were under the weather just to get a few extra 'slow days' after Christmas. But we're a week on now, and they're still coughing and groaning and living off lucozade and cup-a-soups, so I must conclude that they really are ill. Poor dears. Should've had their flu jabs like us cats, shouldn't they? Of course the folks being ill does come with certain benefits for me. In particular our human of the female variety's habit of hibernating inside a sleeping bag on the sofa when she's ill. Now an immobile person on the sofa is an unmissable opportunity at any time, but with the added bonus of a sleeping bag to snuggle into, well, how much better could it get? So, Nurse Gemini has been very busy these last few days. Well, when I say busy, I don't mean busy in the active sense, just busy doing my duty to my folks. Always there when they need me, I am. Purring into their faces. Dribbling down their necks. Sitting on their tissues. I do hope they get better soon though. I notice we're getting dangerously low on those nice chewy treat-stick things, and smart though I am, I have no idea where they come from. Selfish? Moi? As if!