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Sunday 31 August ~ by George
Even though I now know where golf balls come from, I still wonder why humans have this thing about constantly lopping bits off trees. The next door folks do it a lot, and today our folks were at it too. Up on a ladder they were, chopping lovely great long branches off, it's mad, the trees looked fine with them on! The only good thing is that there's now a pile of branches about a cat-and-a-half high at the bottom of the garden, and it's great for leaping in and out of and going bonkers. If the pile is still there in a couple of days the frogs will have found it too, and then it'll really be worth leaping into. Anyway, I found this golf ball under the pile, which I thought was a bit odd at first. And then I realised - it must be a golf-ball tree! How silly of me not to have realised straight off! I can't wait to tell Gemini, I bet she doesn't know and she'll think I'm sooooo smart!
Saturday 30 August ~ by Gemini
I just want to say first of all that George did not scare the pants off me yesterday, but if he ever knocks me flat like that again I'll scare the fur off him! His washing photos the other day did inspire me though, so I thought I'd even the score and show some of my washing poses, one indoors and one out. The outdoor one shows the only circumstance under which I will sit on top of a sunlounger, i.e. when it's in the shade and there's no humans on it. The indoor shot shows me cleaning my super-sharp ready for anything claws, and very proud of them I am too.
Friday 29 August ~ by George
Mirror Mirror on the wall, who's the scariest cat of all? Yeah, me of course! I scared the pants off Gemini today. That's metaphorical pants of course, not real ones, cats look daft in pants. She scared me first I might add (yes, me, Big Bad George, hard to believe isn't it?), when I was sitting by the fence looking up into next door's pigeon tree. She came at the fence from their side, running full pelt across their garden and launched herself up onto the fence right above me, 'Craaash!', (Elephant and Crash Landing sprung to mind.) I got her back well and truly later though. She was strolling across the patio, I was hiding behind the flowerpots, so I lined her up in my sights and ran at George Warp Speed Eleven straight at her, and pounced! I actually knocked her flat, I've never done that before! Blimey, I must be even Bigger and Badder than I thought!
Thursday 28 August ~ by Gemini
I don't usually need an excuse to curl up on the folks bed and dream the afternoon away, but if I needed an excuse, today would have been perfect. It simply bucketed it down with rain most of the day, and only the frogs and the foolish go out in that sort of weather. Thankfully I'm not a frog, and I am most definitely not foolish, so I headed for the bed. Although George is not a frog either, I've never been quite convinced about whether he's foolish or not, but he certainly wasn't today - he'd beaten me to it! I noticed earlier the dog who lives opposite being taken out by one of his folks, regardless of the pouring rain, attached to one of those 'lead' things that dogs seem to need. Walking whilst attached to a human? Out in the rain? Says it all I think.
Wednesday 27 August ~ by George
There's nothing like a good wash on the patio after scrounging a larger than normal amount of filling out of the folk's rolls. Cheese, egg, prawns, tuna, I'm not that fussy when it comes to 'stolen' food, I just find it tastes better knowing that it was supposed to be someone else's! I draw the line at tomatoes and lettuce though, that stuff wouldn't taste good even if I'd scrounged it off the Queen! I'm a very reliable thief too, it doesn't matter what important business I'm on, if I spot the folks heading towards the garden bench with anything that remotely looks like food, I'm there, quick as a flash, in fact quicker than a flash (and that's pretty quick indeed). Anyhow, here are my post-scrounging washing poses!
Tuesday 26 August ~ by Gemini
Do you ever have those 'not quite' days? Well I had one today. I had a few 'nearly' moments, like when I nearly managed to get into next door's car boot, and when I nearly bothered to chase the calico cat burglar off the front garden, but didn't quite manage either. The car boot was the most interesting of the two, because shopping bags were being unloaded from it and I thought there might be something edible in there, but they spotted me just as I was about to leap up. The calico cat moment was when he came strolling across the garden while I was relaxing under the tree, and well, frankly I just couldn't be bothered. I like a good scrap of course, being a bona fide TFT (Top Fighting Tabby), but I could beat old Calico with one paw tied behind my back! The only thing I truly accomplished today was clearing my food bowl, so not altogether a wasted day!
Monday 25 August ~ by George
We had a visit today from one of our old friends, a most fascinating person known to me and Gemini as 'Squashy Belly Man' for very obvious (and totally accurate) reasons. We always know when it's him at the door, because he blocks out nearly all the light. Gemini reckons it's a bit rude of me to say that, but it's true, and his belly is also what we love best about him. He always makes such a big fuss of us (especially me, I think I'm his favourite, sorry Gemini), and when he sits down he just loves me to leap on his belly! I took him a bit by surprise today when I leaped onto him from the arm of the sofa, and nearly made him spill his tea. He hasn't got a cat of his own, so I think he comes round for a cat-fix every so often, and I'm happy to oblige. I really think he should get one, I mean, such a fine belly-cushion and no cat, it's just such a waste!
Sunday 24 August ~ by Gemini
What George failed to mention about yesterday's 'clock-thing' is that it is actually an alarm clock, so it does it's job perfectly by alarming anyone who sees it! Anyway back to more important things, like getting to lick the strawberries and cream bowl today, (thankfully without the strawberries) dee-licious! I was naturally in a very good mood after that, so not only did I let George join me up on 'my' box, but I even washed his ears for him. The taste of cream definitely beats the taste of George's ears, particularly when they still have the remains of a few harvest mite scabs in them! Oh sorry, that was almost as gross as George talking about his 'toilet things'. I'll just show the pictures instead. Don't want to put anyone off their supper do I? Heh heh heh!
Saturday 23 August ~ by George
Today was one of the folks birthdays. They're not smart like me and have a whole 'birth-month', they just have one day which seems daft. Still, they did have some people-presents (very boring, no fish at all), and some wrapping paper and bubble-wrap (ah, now that's more like it!), so I helped them play with the paper (I'm good at that). One of the presents was a clock with a cat's face on it (not mine I might add) and it's just about the grossest thing I ever saw, and looks nothing like any cat I've ever met (well, only in nightmares). So if the person who bought this thing is reading this, can I suggest that you keep very quiet about it, and to the person who thought it up and made it, can I just ask... 'Why?'. More worrying is that our human actually likes it! Aaaaaargh!
Friday 22 August ~ by Gemini
Oh good, my spare feeders are back, about time too. Oh, sorry, I meant to say was how nice it is to have our next door folks home, after a couple of weeks Going Large somewhere. I missed them you know, even though they're only our 'stand-in staff'. They're also very useful if I fancy an extra-curricular meal, a titbit off their barbecue, or a snooze on a bed without a George on it. I hope they never get a cat of their own, that would be a disaster, so I take every opportunity I can to make sure that they know I'm in charge of them as well as our own folks. As soon as they got back, there I was to greet them, and to point out a few things: Who looked after their place while they were away? Me of course. Who made sure no other cats did their business on their garden? Me of course. Who chased the frogs off their decking? Me of course, (OK George helped, but it was my idea). And who will call round to see them every day now they're back to 'dispose of' any spare milk? Oh yes, good old reliable, indispensable me!
Thursday 21 August ~ by George
It's one of the folk's birthdays soon apparently, which is why there's a little collection of cards appearing on the mantelpiece and on one of the shelves. I can't honestly see the point of cards, I mean you can't eat them, or play games with them can you? Well that's what I thought until today, when I invented a new variation of an old game. When I was a kitten I remember going up onto the mantelpiece and shelves to play with the ornaments, (to see if they could fly or bounce, or neither) but I grew out of doing that. So, I figured this row of cards presented a new challenge: could I still get up on the shelves now that I'm big? Turned out I can. Would it still be as much fun knocking stuff off? Yup, it sure was! Just one flick of the paw and those cards went sailing down to the floor. I think I've just found out what humans mean by 'having a game of cards'!
Wednesday 20 August ~ by Gemini
I've just remembered something else our vet said about me the other day, she said I was right handed! That's definitely what she said, not right-pawed but right handed. I always thought it took years of training to become a vet, in which case you'd think basic cat biology would be in there somewhere, and even if it's not you'd think that someone who sees maybe fifty cats in a day would have noticed that cats don't have anything so primitive as hands. Still, they're only human I suppose. Anyhow, I found my favourite slipper tonight and curled up with it for a nice snooze. I like slippers best when they're still warm with the vague smell of human feet on them, it's comforting somehow. Smelly, but comforting.
Tuesday 19 August ~ by George
Yesterday's vet trip was definitely more of a surprise to Gemini than it was to me, but she enjoyed the fuss once she got there. I do actually like our vets, it's more the getting there I object to, and I make my objections known at top volume all the way. The vet was a lady this time, and do you know what she called me? Handsome, that's what. 'He's a handsome boy, isn't he?' she said, just like that. I've always liked to think I was a bit handsome, and my email girlfriend tells me it all the time, but it's nice to have it confirmed by an expert! She also commented on how strong my jaws were, (that was when she tried to give me a worming pill and I nearly had her fingers off). I had a jab for my harvest mite thing of course, so I'll lose my scabs in a few days. That means I'll also lose my battle-scarred-ruffian look, but who cares, seeing as now I'm officially handsome!
Monday 18 August ~ by Gemini
George's prediction finally came true today, he got dragged round the vets for his annual harvest mite problem, and his second prediction also came true, which was that he would be decidedly un-cool and loud about it as soon as he got bundled into the cat carrier. How do I know this? Because to my great surprise and disgust, I got dragged round the vets as well! Have I got a harvest mite allergy? No I have not. Have I been unwell? Thankfully no. It turned out to be my annual booster and check up, ho hum. Still, it was nice to be told I'm in good health, no mention was made of diets (phew!) and apparently I have the teeth of a three year old! George predictably wanted to know who's teeth they were, and how come I'd got them, and what had I done with my eight year old teeth. Oh goodness, I worry about that boy sometimes, I really do.
Sunday 17 August ~ by George
Ooh-er, today was too many visitors for my liking I'm afraid. I like visitors best in one's and two's, but today's visitors came in three's, and two of them were 'mini-folks', all very noisy and with way too much hugging, so I legged it to a safe distance until I could suss them out a bit. Gemini's there giving it the old 'aren't I lovely, yes, yes, come and stroke me and fuss me, you know you want to' routine, with her tail stuck up in the air like lady muck. Well, turned out they were OK, and once they'd quietened down a bit I made a tentative approach, not too close mind. I didn't want any of them thinking they could pick me up or anything, oh no. I like to appear a bit enigmatic. In fact I think that'll be my new middle name, I haven't had one of those in a while. So now I'll be 'Professor Big Bad Tough, Rugged, Enigmatic, Streetwise, Misunderstood, Inspirational George (mucky) Cat, Special Agent Double-O one and a half, (alias Hermiolios), Defender of the Universe'. Neat huh?
Saturday 16 August ~ by Gemini
I've been enjoying one of my jobs more than usual lately, that of 'meeter and greeter'. When the folks go out, I always try to make sure I'm there to meet them on their return and escort them to the door. George, bless him, very rarely bothers to join me, but in these last few weeks of lovely warm evenings, he's been out there with me on the 'front line' doing his bit. It's much more fun with both of us there, because we have chase and pounce games round the tree. I think the folks rather like us both coming to meet them, (I expect it makes them feel important for a change) and they always make a big fuss of us just for being there. I'm sure they think we've been waiting there the whole time, but as any cat will tell you, we know to within a couple of minutes when our folks are coming home. How? you might ask. Ah, that's a cat's Trade Secret!
Friday 15 August ~ by George
The folks had a bit of a pond clearing exercise today, so there was lots of sludgy black icky stuff coming out. I don't mind sludgy black icky stuff as a rule, but this was different, it was stinky as well. And when I say stinky, I'm talking major pong! (no not as in 'ground control to major pong', that's something different altogether). So pongy in fact that if I went within two cat's length of it my nose took charge of my brain and stopped me going any closer. Noses are smart like that, they know what they like and they certainly know what they don't! Gemini reckons it was mainly fish poo, although she put it much more delicately than that, but fish poo is what she meant. I'm glad mine doesn't smell like that, my poos are very fragrant, in fact they smell... 'Ow! what was that for?', 'OK, OK, point taken'. Sorry about that, Gemini's just given me a swipe for talking about toilet things again. I can't see why really, she does them too... 'Ow!'
Thursday 14 August ~ by Gemini
I don't know if our postman is called Pat, but he certainly knew all about a black and white cat today! In fact he had a pretty close shave with a tabby as well. We've worked out this new postman game, me and George, and this morning was the perfect opportunity to try it out. It only works if he has a parcel to deliver, so we have to pick our moment, and today was one of those moments. It goes roughly like this: Postman approaches with parcel, me and George hide under tree, Postman rings doorbell, me and George get ready to run, door opens, me and George run like the clappers up the path and zoom in the door, one either side of Postman's legs, Postman freaks out! I can't repeat what he said, but suffice to say it was along the lines of 'Goodness gracious, what on earth was that?!', if you get my drift. Heh heh heh!
Wednesday 13 August ~ by George
Since being given the very important position of 'Chief Filing Cat', I've begun to feel cleverer by the day. I know I've only been in the job since Saturday, but it's made me all ambitious somehow, so I'm going to start climbing the executive ladder, (that's not a real ladder you understand, otherwise I'd have climbed it years ago). I originally qualified for being an office cat when I got shut in the desk drawer ages ago, but now that I'm in charge of the filing cabinet I'm really on my way up! I've always liked swivel chairs too, and my ambition is to have one of my own. In the meantime I'm trying out one of the folk's chairs for size, so here I am practising to be 'Chairman', or is that 'Chair-cat'?
Tuesday 12 August ~ by Gemini
Someone sent me an email after reading my Sunday diary about being nine-and-a-half Happy out of ten, and wondered why it wasn't a ten. I would have thought that was pretty obvious but never mind, so for the record, the missing half a point was due to there being no custard. Even a little lick off the wooden spoon would have done it, but it wasn't to be. I had to wait until today for that particular delicacy, and a jolly good custard it was too. Nice and thick and splodgy if you know what I mean, the sort that sticks round your chops, so you can enjoy licking it off for some time afterwards (and I do). If ever we run out of cat food, I'd like to say here and now that I'd be quite happy with a bowl of custard instead. In fact there's an idea for the custard companies, cat-sized sachets of custard especially for the discerning feline palate! Oh come on, it's just as good as George's idea of crash helmets for cats who come in the cat flap too fast!
Monday 11 August ~ by George
I went outside after beakfast this morning and found all this wet stuff on the ground. Oh and wait, there was more of it coming out of the sky, lots more in fact. I had the odd feeling of Deja Vu (that's french for been there, done that), but I couldn't quite put my paw on it... Water, yes that's familiar, water from the sky, hmmm seems to ring a bell... Oh, I've got it! It's rain! I remember it now, we used to have it quite often, but there's been none for simply weeks (and weeks is a long time for a cat). Funny how you forget isn't it? Then I remembered snow, I like that, but we've had none of that for ages either. So, if we're having old kinds of weather, can we have some snow tomorrow please? I think me and Gemini deserve something nice tomorrow, because we got zapped tonight with the smelly-flea-stuff, grrrrrrrrrrrr. They came up behind me with a towel and scooped me up before I knew what was happening, and zapped me, it's so unfair! Double Grrrrrrrrrrrr.
Sunday 10 August ~ by Gemini
Just how happy can a cat be? I don't know the official way of measuring it, but if it's on a scale of one to ten I think I was at least nine and a half on the Happy Scale today. I was already around five or six Happy even before the day started, just because I'm Gemini and I live somewhere where everyone loves me. That suddenly got boosted to seven Happy when we got coley fish for lunch, (when a cat's stomach is happy, so's the cat, that's a scientific fact). And if that weren't enough, the folks brought some prawns back from wherever it is they went off to this afternoon, and yup, we got to share them! So, post-coley and post-prawns I was up to around eight Happy. The next boost to my day was just being stretched out in the shade of our front tree, with one of the folks fussing me, instantly producing nine Happy. The extra half a Happy Point was George giving me a lovely wash later, bless him. Can a cat smile? Maybe not, but they can feel like they do.
Saturday 9 August ~ by George
I've just been so incredibly busy today, doing lots of really important things. I've been helping out in the office you see, all day, there's just so much for me to do. I don't know how they'd ever cope without me around to do all the very important stuff. In fact I've even been given a very important job title now: Chief Filing Cat, and here's some impressive photos of me being very busy in my new 'position'.
Friday 8 August ~ by Gemini
Today was simply so hot that neither me nor George had the energy to do anything much at all. The folks still did 'people stuff' of course, but much more slowly! It was even too hot for Marmaduke up the road to sit in his usual mid-road spot, and I noticed he'd crashed out under a bush. Maybe it was my imagination, but even the butterflies seemed to be flying slower in the heat, which would have made them even easier to catch (but I didn't have the energy to try). The only thing that carried on as usual was our 'Giant Water Snake' (codename hosepipe - George's description not mine) who had to top up the pond water. After George's experience the other day, I didn't fancy getting a soaking, so here I am keeping a close eye on it.
Thursday 7 August ~ by George
My harvest mite scabs haven't got any worse yet, but then they haven't got any better either. I know I'll be dragged round the vets any day now. I know this because that's what always happens, and I also know this because our friend Man in Socks brought our carrying basket back tonight (he'd borrowed it to drag his cat round the vets). I'm cool about it though, and I'll be cool about it up until the point when I get bundled into the carrier and then I'll be decidedly un-cool and very very loud! On a lighter note, I impressed even myself tonight with how much of the sofa I could take up on my own. It's a generous three seater, which means that three generous sized people should be able to fit on it. Tonight though, due to my expertise in stretching, it was big enough only for one medium-sized person, and one very very loooooong George!
Wednesday 6 August ~ by Gemini
Today we were left in sole charge of the place, when the folks went off out somewhere just after breakfast, and didn't reappear until just before bedtime (their bedtime of course, not ours). What can they possibly find to do all day without us? Whatever it was, it must have been very boring indeed, because all the excitement was here. And I'm not going to say what it was either, so there! (that'll keep 'em guessing, heh heh heh). They left us several generous portions of food though, in our 'spaceship' feeder, which actually contains far more food than they normally give us in a day (I don't think they've twigged on to that yet). We call it a spaceship feeder because that's exactly what it looks like, only without the flashing lights and Martians. Oh, and it doesn't fly either. Just as well really, I'd hate to have to leap up in the air to catch the thing every time I wanted some food!
Tuesday 5 August ~ by George
By putting 'Getting Wet Voluntarily' at number one in our list of 'Unfathomable Things Humans Do' I thought we'd made it perfectly clear that it was a people-thing and under no circumstances was it a cat-thing. However, the giant water snake (codename hosepipe) who lives in our garden had other ideas today. There I was in one of my under-bush cat-nests, when without any warning, along comes the water snake spraying loads of actual wet water willy nilly about the weed borders, and sprayed it all over me! Aaargh, Panic Stations! I shot up the garden, crashed through the cat flap, ran up the hall and started wailing. I was so shocked I didn't even think to attack it back, and besides I was wet, covered in water, you know, like an actual soggy moggy! A cat can't think straight when it's wet. Grrrrrr, I'll get him back when my brain's dried out.
Monday 4 August ~ by Gemini
I would like to make the bold claim that only cats have summer truly sussed out. People certainly haven't, or dogs (although that's hardly surprising). Only cats are smart enough to realise that it's hotter when the sun's in the sky than when the moon is. This fact is obvious even to cats of George's intelligence (and, lovely though he is, he's hardly University material). We're also smart enough to know that when it's really hot like today, the best thing to do is conserve ones energy (i.e. sleep) until the sun goes down, and then run around like lunatics. So, what do humans do? They stay awake valiantly trying to 'do things' in the daytime (whilst groaning pathetically about the heat), then proceed to sleep all night! Well excuse me for being so bold, but isn't that just rather, um, silly? And as for dogs, will they chase a ball in the midday sun? Of course they will. Case proven.
Sunday 3 August ~ by George
It's that time of year again, I should have known, it always comes soon after my 'BirthMonth'. It's Harvest Mite time of year, and I've just started getting the first few scabby bits under my chin and in front of my ears. I'll have to get the folks to take a photo of them, so I can show how horrid and scabby they really are. Gemini can't understand why I always go on about them, but then she doesn't get any. I'm allergic you see, and she's not, so she doesn't get 'Allerged' by them. I actually think they give me a sort of battle-scarred-ruffian look, (without needing to have a battle), and as such doesn't do my street cred any harm at all. The down side is that I'll be dragged off to the vets soon for a jab and a load of pink pills, but I'm not going to think about that. Instead, I'll think about the cheese or the coley that gets wrapped round the pills to make me eat them!
Saturday 2 August ~ by Gemini
After we published (in this very diary) our current Top Five list of Unfathomable Things Humans do, I have realised that maybe we understated the number two entry of (brace yourself) 'stroking dogs'. Our visitor today confirmed that not only do humans make the bizarre mistake of stroking those unmentionable canine things, but some actually go so far as to own one! As soon as our visitor arrived (I'll call him Marrow Man, the reason would take too long to explain), I could smell unfamiliar cats on his trousers. So I naturally had a good sniff round both legs to suss them out, two cats if I'm not mistaken, female, neutered, older than me, couldn't tell their colour sorry, my nose isn't quite that good! But then, round the back of his right leg I smelled it, yup he owns a dog, no mistaking. I can only assume that some humans are so short sighted, that they mistake dogs for large cats, there's no other explanation I can think of. Short sightedness or madness. Probabaly both.
Friday 1 August ~ by George
It really has been one of those floppy days today, yawny and floppy. Yawny because I was out on the prowl last night so I needed to catch up on my yawns today, and floppy because someone's turned up the temperature on the sun again. That's not to say I didn't do anything daring or adventurous at all today, (just being George is exciting enough), just that I thought about daring and adventurous things rather than actually doing them for a change. The most daring and adventurous cat round our way today was my mate Sooty Cat, who had a big punch-up with the Ginger Thug on our fence, so one of our folks went out and hissed at them and shooed them off. I don't know yet who won, I hope it was Sooty. Here's me in my favourite floppy place on the stairs, doing serious flopping.
Thursday 31 July ~ by Gemini
Today is 'Pounce on the Shelter' day, which means it's the day we pick the next rescue who'll receive our quarterly Feline Fund donation. It's about time I had a chance at choosing, George has done it the last two times (just becasue he says he's good at pouncing). He forgets though, who taught him to pounce, yes moi of course. I take credit for teaching him most of his pouncing techniques, and mine are just as good when the occasion demands (catching butterflies, cornering spiders, pinning down stray human toes under duvets). So, out came the shelter list (which still has a tear in it from the January Pouncing), the folks rolled the ball across it... and I pounced a perfect pounce on: Hillingdon Slough Windsor and District RSPCA branch. Well done me!
Wednesday 30 July ~ by George
I just had to do today's diary, I know it's not my turn but I'm getting quite worried about me. A couple of weeks ago I actually let myself get picked up and fussed (it was a fireman's lift without the fireman moment), and today I did it again! Today's was slightly different because it started out with me playing the Big Towel Game with one of the folks. That's where they wrap me in a towel and rub me dry (even if I'm not wet), and sometimes they put it right over me and I have to find my way out. Anyway, we were playing the 'wrap me up and rub me dry' bit, when they just scooped me up in it and fussed me like I was, well, like I was a normal cat! And I'm not a normal cat, I'm sure I'm not. Gemini's always telling me so. The Big Bad Tough Streetwise bit of me was sure I shouldn't allow this to happen, but the soft and silly snuggle-bug bit of me loved it and purred like crazy. I think maybe the soft and silly bit of me is making up for all the years that the Tough Streetwise bit was in charge!
Tuesday 29 July ~ by Gemini & George
Over the years we have observed, and often write about, what we see as 'Unfathomable Things Humans Do'. Other cats even email us with unfathomable things that their folks do, so the list is now embarrassingly (for people) long. We do sometimes wonder, if they knew just how daft many of these activities are, would they still do them? The best way to gauge whether an activity is truly daft, is simply to ask 'Would a Cat do That?!' Here then, in reverse order, is the current 'Top Five': At Number 5 is Sitting on Sunloungers, (instead of underneath them like us clever cats do). At Number 4 is Eating Fruit (isn't the smell enough to tell them fruit isn't food?). At Number 3 is (the incredibly humiliating and extremely silly) Riding Bicycles. Number 2 we can hardly bear to mention, but it is Stroking Dogs! (nope, can't figure that one at all). And a recent new entry (since we found out what 'the sea' was) at Number 1 it's 'Getting Wet Voluntarily'. See? Would a cat do that? Not likely!
Monday 28 July ~ by George
I'm not ashamed to admit that that seagull yesterday did give me a bit of a scare, but that was because it wasn't an ordinary seagull. It was one of those new extra large (no doubt genetically modified) mighty mutant-seagulls, you know, the one's with the ten foot wing span (at least!), and beaks the size of garden shears. It's no wonder I beat a hasty retreat, it could have swallowed me up in one big gulp, and then who'd have done the diary today eh? And who'd have filed all that paper down the back of the desk today eh? And who'd have chased (and eaten) that big leggy spider in the garage, eh? No one that's who, not if I'd ended up inside a seagull's belly. And just in case no-one believes how big these seagulls are, check out the photos. As I say, ten foot wing span, and beaks like garden shears!
Sunday 27 July ~ by Gemini
I don't think George had ever been quite as close to a seagull as he was today, and I think it gave him a bit of a shock. He was up on top of our fence (which I'd say is around six-cats high), and this rather big seagull swooped down and virtually dive-bombed him! He was off that fence and through the cat flap in a split nano-second. Big Bad Tough George, yeah right. I was rather pleased to read his account of my little encounter yesterday, I'm very proud of my menacing reputation. Well, it doesn't do to pussy-foot around these invador types, so I put my pussy feet away on such occasions and get my battle claws ready instead. None of that excitement today though, it just rained solidly from lunchtime onwards, so some advanced resting was called for. It thundered quite solidly as well, but I rested through that too. Resting is a very important activity in my book!
Saturday 26 July ~ by George
Gemini scares me sometimes, she can be just so menacing! Not to me I might add, but to any uninvited cats who dare to step onto our patch. This afternoon there was this lean, mean, pale tabby thing sitting proud as you like in the middle of our front garden. Now personally I didn't think he was doing any harm as long as he didn't get any closer, and being the Big Bad Tough thing that I am I have to be very careful who I fight, because I don't know my own strength you see, and I could do some real damage, oh yes indeed. So, hard though it is, I just have to restrain myself. But Gemini doesn't, and she didn't, so she decided to go and sort him out. Now here's the menacing bit: she stared straight at him, walked up to within a pounce-length, crouched low, all the fur on her back up on end, then she pulled her cheeks back to bare her teeth and hissed a really horrid hiss. The sort of hiss to strike fear into the soul. He did the smart thing and high-tailed it up over next door's wall. It amazes me how she can be Sweet Lady Gemini one minute, and Rambo-Tabby the Exterminator Cat the next minute!
Friday 25 July ~ by Gemini
I'm always up for a nice day of relaxation and recuperation, and rainy days like today give me the perfect excuse to do just that. The way I see it, is that when it's tipping it down outside no intruders are likely to be out muscling in on our territory, so there's little point in me being out there defending it. Logical Captain. The other point worth noting is that lots of rain tends to make all my favourite outside places very wet, whilst all my favourite inside places stay nice and dry, so where's a smart cat to sit? Exactly. This particular smart cat curled up on top of the t-shirt boxes (still my best snooze spot), only this time I spread myself out as big as my new summer-slim figure would allow me, so that no cunning little Georges could come by and do their 'Wiggly Bum' thing to squeeze in beside me. George spent the day curled up on the chair by the radiatior, even though it wasn't switched on. He says that doesn't matter, it's psychologically warmer. Yeah. Right. Anything you say George.
Thursday 24 July ~ by George
We've discovered today that there's something strange in our pond, or at least unidentified. A sort of USO (unidentified squirming object). It's similar to a tadpole only it's paler, almost see-through, but it's just as squidgy and squirmy as a tadpole. Our best guess is that it might ne a newt-pole, but we've no idea what they look like, so we might have to consult Marmaduke up the road, he's bound to know, (watch this space). On the subject of Squidgy things, this is a message for our folks, one in particular. I've said it before and I'll say it again, I wish you wouldn't call me 'Squidge'! I am the one and only Big Bad Tough Streetwise George (Mucky) Cat, am I not? And does 'Squidge' sound in the least bit appropriate? No it does not. Even my email-girlfriend, (Tinklebell the Killer Queen), doesn't call me that, (although she does call me handsome, cute and chop-licking!). No I'm sorry, that little nickname will have to go, couldn't you call me something more, well, rugged?
Wednesday 23 July ~ by Gemini
I've always thought that my tastes lean towards the exotic and sophisticated, and today made me think it even more. I'm not afraid to try new tastes you see, unlike George who 'knows what he likes' and that's that. He's your 'egg and chips' man whilst I'm more your 'braised dragonfly in a salmon sauce with sundried tomatoes' if you know what I mean. Hence today was a new and gastronomically enlightening experience for me. The folks had what they call a 'stir-fry' in 'black bean sauce', not a dish obviously aimed at cats I'll grant you, but there was some sauce left on the plates after so I had a sniff, and a tentative lick, then lapped up the lot! George came over to see what was on offer, and you should have seen his little face screw up when he smelled it! Yes George, now you know how I feel when you've got garlic breath!
Tuesday 22 July ~ by George
The 'deforestation' continues in our garden, with the folks lopping large quantities of leaves and branches off various of my favourite bushes. I thought about getting upset about it, but then I realised there was a good side to this lunacy. The lopped off bits have now formed a rather exciting green pile, which I've discovered is great for launching myself into at high speed, and is also great for attracting lots of munchy scrunchy butterflies! I have to thank Gemini for putting me onto this little delicacy, and also for teaching me the leap-twist-swipe technique needed to catch them. I caught a smashing big one today, so I called Gemini over to look at it before I ate it. So there it is, under my paw, and she can't see it, so I lifted my paw to show her, and it flew off! You can't take your eye off the ball with those little fellas I can tell you, too sneaky by half.
Monday 21 July ~ by Gemini
George reckons he's so good at 'coffee table skating' but he's got nothing on me after today! Coffee tables? Huh, they're for amateurs! I took the sport to new heights with my 'desk skating' this morning. There needs to be plenty of paper and 'stuff' on top, otherwise it's really not worth the effort. There was certainly plenty of paper on the Cat Chat desk when I launched myself onto it this morning, plus a nice card index with the lid open, and a half full cup of tea, and a pot full of pens, and... well you can imagine. I came at it from the windowsill you see, rather than from a standing start on the floor, that gave me the advantage of height and no loss of speed. 'Thud, whooooosh!' (followed by clatter, thump, thud etc. as everything went flying). Being a Top Tabby, I did this with such panache, that I even managed to dodge the teacup as it hit the floor!
Sunday 20 July ~ by George
We don't seem to have any other sort of weather except sun these days, no snow or anything. Today was particularly hot, and it got all too much for both of us in the end so we decided to retreat indoors. Seeing as I'm half turkish you'd think I'd be good at being out in the sun all day, but then I'm also half not turkish so maybe that explains it. I don't know which half is which, though, so if anyone knows how to tell, please drop me an email. Anyway, we started by lending a helping paw to the folks, who were changing the bed things, but as you can see we ended up falling asleep on the job. They didn't have the heart to move us, so we stayed there til teatime, Yaaaaawn!
Saturday 19 July ~ by Gemini
I must say our frogs couldn't have picked a better day for their water gala. I think the common phrase is 'Phew, what a scorcher!'. Me and George were crashed out in the long grass round the pond when they started, and it really did turn into rather a spectacular frog-fest. The diving event was first, beginning with each entrant hopping onto the paving slab by Thermal our stone cat, before leaping, diving, or in some case belly-flopoping into the pond. There was a 'junior' event too, where lot of this year's froglets made their diving debut. It was too hot for us to bother 'helping' them into the water, so we just watched. I watched until I dozed off anyhow. George told me later that while I was asleep they did synchronised swimming, with little flower patterned caps on, floating on their backs with one leg up in the air. Hmmmm, I worry about that boy sometimes.
Friday 18 July ~ by George
Normally when we get notable visitors, we mention them in the diary, and today is no different. Except that these visitors came through the cat flap and not through the front door. In fact they came in with me through the cat flap, and it looks like they want to move in. Fleas. They're living somewhere around my shoulders right about now, and I'm pretty sure the folks don't yet know about them. I don't mind just a few you understand, live and let live that's my motto. Although naturally, that motto doesn't apply to birds, mice, voles, spiders and any other items of 'mobile food', but fleas are OK in moderation. One came up for a look round tonight while I was on the sofa, so I had to tell him to get back in quick before the folks saw him. Phew! It was a close call too, they'd have had the 'smelly flea stuff' out before I could have said 'Jack Robinson'. In fact, probably before I'd even said 'Ja...'
Thursday 17 July ~ by Gemini
I'm not one given to self-flattery, as I'm sure anyone who knows me will verify, but even I have to admit I've been looking particularly sleek and gorgeous lately. I've lost my 'winter belly' you see, which tends to get in the way of my natural beauty, (it also tends to get in the way a bit when I'm running down the path, but we won't go into that). How did I achieve this stunning new figure of mine? Sun and butterflies is my answer. Being so sunny lately I just don't feel like eating so much somehow, strange I know but there you are. And butterflies, my 'outside diet' of late has consisted of these small white butterflies which I assume must be very low in calories. They're easy to catch, with a subtle and sophisticated taste (just like me)... stop that sniggering George. Even Man in Socks noticed, saying how trim I was looking. George might be proud of his 'cat in the most unusual place' rosette, but I'm awarding myself feline slimmer of the year award!
Wednesday 16 July ~ by George
Something very odd happened to me today. I'm not sure if the sun had got to my brain, or if it was the excitement of hearing from my 'email-girlfriend', whether I'm going prematurely ga-ga, or if I dreamed the whole thing. I'm fairly sure it wasn't a dream though, because I walked away afterwards and ate some biscuits, and I definitely didn't dream those. It happened when I was wailing one of my usual wails for no reason (even I've given up wondering why I do it), I was mid-wail and one of the folks bent down, picked me up, laid me over their shoulder and gave me a good fussing! It was like a fireman's lift only without the fireman. What was so odd about that you might ask. Well, in case you hadn't noticed, I'm Big Bad Tough Streetwise George, and I don't allow being picked up as a rule. But not only did I allow it, I purred and enjoyed it! Aaaargh! How did that happen? I don't know who was more shocked, them or me. Consequently, I'm currently Big Bad Puzzled George.
Tuesday 15 July ~ by Gemini
I don't know what the temperature was like everywhere else, but I do know that where we live on the South Coast, it was way above 'comfortable' and almost into 'can someone turn the sun down please?'. In these circumstances one has to do all one can to keep cool, which in my case meant flopping down under the tree, in George's case meant stretching out long and large across the kitchen floor, and in the case of our folks... well, I could hardly believe my whiskers when I heard this one. They went down to the 'sea', which although I've never been there, I understand to be just like lots and lots and lots of water. And then, this is the bonkers bit, they went in it! Actually into this 'sea' stuff, immersed themselves in it, until they were completely covered in water, wet water at that, and voluntarily I might add! Getting wet voluntarily without a struggle is just not normal in my opinion. That went staight in at number one of my Top Ten of 'Unfathomable Things Humans Do'.
Monday 14 July ~ by George
It's a good job Gemini did the diary yesterday, I would have been far too busy being famous for that! What with the autograph hunters, the fan mail, the interviews, press conferences, oh you know what it's like, the hectic schedule of superstardom! Well, if I'm honest none of that has actaully happened yet, but I'm sure it will after yesterday. You see, the folks entered my photo into the very prestigious 'Catless Cat Show' held by our local RSPCA, and guess who won second prize for 'cat in the most unusual place'? Oh go on, have a guess! (No, Gemini it was NOT Marmaduke!). Me! It was Me! I got a rosette and everything! Well I didn't get everything as it goes, apparently my prize treats got donated to the rescue cats, but I'm cool about it, I have my rosette and my stardom. Which photo was it? Oh, the one of me drinking out of the toilet with my bum in the air of course, it's one of my best sides!
Sunday 13 July ~ by Gemini
Much that I admire Marmaduke Cat, Boss of our road, I have to say he has far more faith in human nature than me, and possibly far too much for his own good. It's his habit of sitting in the middle of the road, I just can't help thinking it's just a little, sort of, well... dangerous? Take today for example, we had a visit from our friends Big Van Man #2 and the Giggle Lady, and when they went to drive the Big Van back up the road there was Marmaduke, plonked in the centre, owning the road, and not moving for anyone! Giggle Lady ended up getting out and negotiating with him to move, which he did eventually. He'll always move if asked nicely. He says it's his principles, he'll do something if he's asked nicely but not if he's told to. I can see his point, but if someone told me to eat a bowl of prawns I'd do it whether they'd asked nicely or not!
Saturday 12 July ~ by George
Our sneaky bird bandits are really starting to make me mad, even madder than normal in fact. And it's nothing to do with the swallows that I now know are called swallows, but who I have yet to swallow either. No, it's those sneaky beaky bird bandits the blackbirds. Not content with harrassing me from above by swooping down 'shwoooosh!' just above my head, and making all those squawky squeaky noises from the top of our fence, they're now stealing our cherries! I wouldn't mind quite so much if I could get up the tree after them, but the branches don't hold my weight yet (I did try). Grrrrrrrr, it's so frustrating! All I could do was watch them swoop in, stuff a cherry in their beak, and swoop off again. Time after time. I expect they're selling them at a stall down the market. Yeah, that must be it! So if anyone sees a couple of shifty looking blackbirds selling cheap cherries down their local market, you'll know where they got them from!
Friday 11 July ~ by Gemini
I spent a lot of time in my garden hidey-hole today, due to the heat. It's rather a nice hidey-hole, in a large clump of overgrown grass, that the folks have ignored for so long they haven't a hope of ever mowing it down. It's one of the places I go when I don't want to be disturbed. As you can see from this picture, there's far more grass than cat, and if it wasn't for the fact that I posed for the photo you wouldn't see me at all. And lets face it, photos of grass without cats in are very boring photos indeed. There's bound to be someone somewhere who specialises in photographing grass, who would disagree with me of course, but that would only be because they haven't got a cat.
Thursday 10 July ~ by George
I've been slightly educated today, so that I'm even smarter than I was yesterday. It happened while me and Gemini were sprawled out in the shade of our Big Bush, contemplating the world and wondering why elephants don't have fur (well that's what I was wondering anyway, don't know about Gemini). She rolled over onto her back, stared up into the sky and said 'Swallow!'. So I swallowed. I thought it was best to, she usually knows what she's talking about. 'No', she said, 'Swallow!'. I told her I already had, but I'd do it again if she thought I should. She looked at me as though I was a bit two-planks (which I'm not), and then explained that the birds that were circling high up above us were called 'swallows'. Hence now I am a slightly more educated George. So, now I know what a swallow looks like, and if ever one comes into our garden I'll show it what one of my swallows looks like: 1. Catch bird, 2. Open mouth, 3. Chew bird, 4. Swallow! (Heh, heh, heh!)
Wednesday 9 July ~ by Gemini
Ah yes, prawns on the patio, melons on the washing line, Marmaduke asleep in the middle of the road and all's well with the world. Prawns on the patio was the best bit of course, because me and George had our fair share of them out of the folks lunchtime rolls. With mayonnaise too, so sophisticated, just like me. I still fail to see the point of the cucumber and tomato bits, but then I fail to see the point of most human food. Melons on the wasing line is a fascinating thing, not whole melons you understand, that would be very daft, just the husks. After the folks have eaten most of the fleshy bit (eeeurgh!) they hang the remainder up on strings over the washing line for the birds to finish off. And boy do they fight over it, as I say fascinating! Marmaduke completed my image of a perfect summers day, by napping smack bang in the middle of the road (his favourite spot). It's a good job he's retired, the 'health and safety at work' people would go bonkers!
Tuesday 8 July ~ by George
I don't know if other cats find this, but I think I grow longer in the summer. When I say longer, I mean the amount of George there is between the tips of my front paws and the tips of my back paws when fully streeeeetched out on the kitchen lino. I found out this astonishing fact today due to the heat. It's been incredibly hot all day today, and the coolest spot (apart from in the pond, but I don't do wet if I can help it) is the kitchen floor, so I stretched myself to the limit to get as much of me next to the floor as possible. I swear I was almost the length of two normal Georges! Gemini reckons there's no such thing as a 'normal George', but I know what I mean. Then she tried to tell me (wait for this) that sheep take their fur off in the summer, and put it back on in the winter! Yeah, right. She must have been having one of her 'senior moments', (well she is eight!)
Monday 7 July ~ by Gemini
I got rudely awakened from a custard-and-prawns dream this morning by George running round in circles, squealing something incomprehensible about people up poles. Tempted though I was to feign deafness or indifference, it was too intriguing to be ignored, so I reluctantly followed him. He dashed out onto the patio and squealed some more as he stared up at our roof. Turns out one of our folks was up a ladder (not up a pole sadly, that would have been far more entertaining), right at the top of our roof. I assumed foolishly that George was concerned for their safety, so I tried to reassure him. Having had far more experience of ladders in my time than George (and been up a few), I told him they were perfectly safe. 'No no, it's not that,' he squealed, 'he's after my seagulls!'. Oh brilliant. And I left a custard and prawns dream for that!?
Saturday 5 and Sunday 6 July ~ by George
It seemed silly to write a diary for Saturday spearately from Sunday this week because the same important thing happened on both days - you see I, Big Bad George, caught a bird on both... 'Ow, what was that for?, Oh yeah, right' Gemini's just reminded me of the facts here, alright we caught a bird on both days, it was a joint effort. Well the stupid things decided to build a nest in the ivy that covers our back fence, so getting to it is easy peasy lemon squeazy. We've worked out a tactic which is smart even for us, and that's pretty smart indeed. I stay down in the garden, minding my own business, washing my bum, filing my nails, whistling a tune, (you get the picture), so the birds naturally keep a very wary eye on me - while Gemini sneaks along the top of the fence and pounces! Hunting with Gemini is good because she likes catching them but doesn't like eating them (she prefers 'proper' cat food from packets), so I get it all to myself. Final score: G & G - 2, Birds - Nil, Folks - Not Impressed!
Friday 4 July ~ by Gemini
See? There's not really enough room for two cats on my box is there? That's why I picked it, because it was a one-cat-box, but then I didn't reckon on George's little technique of being able to gradually wiggle his little bum into impossibly small spaces. He does this sneaky thing where he hops up beside me on the pretence of giving me 'just a little wash behind the ears', which I'm foolish enough to accept. Then, while he's washing me he does his wiggly bum thing so slowly and cunningly, that by the time he's finished washing me he's managed to wheedle his way into a gap that I didn't think was there. Bah! Foiled again!
Thursday 3 July ~ by George
I'd like to share with any cat who might be reading this my tricky trick number eighty five, which I invented today. It's actually not as tricky to do as some of my other tricky tricks, but it's a very useful trick to know. It was one of those times when our humans were eating something that I wanted (in this case tuna), and there didn't seem to be any prospect of them giving me some voluntarily. In such circumstances stealth and cunning are called for. I positioned myself on the table right in front of them, looking longingly as each mouthful of tuna disappeared, then I suddenly darted my head to one side and stared fixedly and wide-eyed at something very interesting indeed in the hall. There wasn't anything interesting at all in the hall, you understand but it made them look the other way just long enough for me to snaffle a chunk of tuna! Result!
Wednesday 2 July ~ by Gemini
I've decided, I really, really like Harry Potter! Not that I know him personally you understand, but he is definitely responsible for one of our 'laps' sitting still for unprecedented lengths of time. Since this last thumping great book arrived in our house recently, 'she' has sat glued in a comfy chair for hour upon hour with it - and with me on her lap of course. Despite all the comfy places to choose from around the house, I still prefer a lap, and better still a lap that doesn't fidget about or keep jumping up every five minutes. Thanks Harry. I divided my time today between my spot on the top of the T-shirt boxes, my spot on the lap under the Harry Potter book and my spot in the cardboard 'paper recycling' box that appeared in the hall. The recycling box just appeared there today, and my guess is it won't be there tomorrow, so I had to sit in it while I had the chance didn't I? Never let a good box go to waste, that's what I say, so I didn't.
Tuesday 1 July ~ by George
I did a leap today that I've never ever done before. In fact I wouldn't have thought this leap was even possible, but obviously some things are more possible when you're taken by surprise. I was helping out in the Cat Chat office, sitting on the desk on top of some important papers making sure they didn't get away, when I got taken very much by surprise. I had my back to my mate the printer, who was chugging away (I've decided he definitely chugs rather than purrs), and all of a sudden he spat out a sheet of paper which poked me fair and square on my rear end! In less than a nano-second, I did a horizontal leap right across the room and landed on the chair by the mirror to the parallel universe. I know this next bit's hard to believe, but the parallel George in the parallel office landed on his parallel chair at exactly the same time as me! We both landed perfectly, but I'm sure my leap must have been better. Parallel Georges can't possibly leap as well as real Georges!
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