Wednesday 31st August ~ by Gemini
Our folks don't look to me as though they're starving, but everyone seemed to want to give them food today (none of it of any interest to me, I might add). First there was Auntie Pat (Bodger's old Auntie, who used to bring him his yummy 'special food'), who didn't bring anything yummy this time, just some pointless people-food with carrots in. Why, I have no idea. Then the postman brought a package with... oh, I don't think I'm allowed to say yet, but apparently it was a sample of what's going on our new prize draw tomorrow, so the folks can give their verdict. I must say they both looked as though they enjoyed them very much, especially our human of the male variety. He said he couldn't quite decide at first and needed to try one more to be sure... then another to be absolutely certain! (I know that old trick, I've tried that many a time to check the quality of prawns!). The next door folks came back from their holiday today, and brought the folks a present, which was a bit of a cheek really seeing as it was me and the Colonel who did all their security patrols. Anyway, they brought them runner beans. Runner beans? Is that normally what people bring back from holidays? No, I didn't think so either. The only glimmer of normality amidst all this lunacy was that I got tuna-mayo at lunchtime. Ah yes, proper cat food!
Tuesday 30th August ~ by Colonel Beau
Last night I carried out one of my most daring nocturnal missions ever. Bally near got away with it too, all except one tiny oversight. I got myself a bird you see, early hours of the morning while out on dawn patrol. The folks were asleep, the Lady Gemini was snoring away (yes, she does snore, despite her strenuous denials), so I figured I'd be safe to bring my conquest back to base. In hindsight maybe that was a bit too daring even for me, but I was in a devil-may-care mood so I took it into the Cat Chat office for a little game or two before eating it. I figured if I devoured every last bit, the human troops would be none the wiser, but there was just one tiny bit of evidence that let my secret plan down - bird poo. I got found out in the morning, when the folks discovered bird poo on the filing cabinet. Oh, and a couple of feathers,(shame we don't have a budgie that I could've blamed it on). Hrmph, I must be getting careless in my senior years, bird poo indeed, what an elementary mistake! Ah well, at least I'm still agile enough to bag some wildlife, the Colonel's not over the hill just yet! Lucky for me the attention was soon diverted from my exploits by the fact that 3-Dinners didn't turn up for breakfast (green alert status - slightly concerned). He didn't turn up for lunch either (amber alert status - very concerned). By teatime there was talk of search parties and red-alert status (prepare to panic), and then there he was, just like that, sitting expectantly waiting for his rations. I shall have to have words wiht that boy, can't have my junior recruits going AWOL whever they feel like it. I have rules you know. He'll never make a Colonel with a shoddy attendance record!
Bank Holiday Monday ~ by Gemini
Today was a day of some seriously hot sun, which called for nothing more than some serious flopping, so flop we did. And by 'we' I mean the sensible ones, i.e. me, the Colonel and 3-Dinners (SpareCat). The folks, not having any where near our level of common sense, decided to make utter fools of themselves instead, starting with the bicycles. Honestly, don't they listen to a word I say? People don't belong on bikes, if they did I'm sure they'd come with wheels as standard instead of legs. And if that weren't bad enough, they went off to make fools of themselves even further by getting wet voluntarily - in the sea of all places. Yes, I know, doesn't bear thinking about, does it? So, here are the sensible ones doing the smart thing. Me in the shade of a large weed-pot (no flowers), Beau in the shade of the cherry tree and 3-Dinners on next door's decking - his new 'throne'!
Sat 27th & Sun 28th August ~ by Colonel Beau
I have to say this bally new de-furring contraption really does do the business. I had another session with it today, apparently when you have as much spare fur as I have the trick is to tackle it in stages. So, with stage two now complete, I'm a little more thinned-out as it were, and a whole lot more dashing, (and I thought that wasn't possible!). I should say a big thank you here to our friends Memphis and Phoenix who tipped the folks off about the thing in the first place, seeing as the Lady Gemini forgot to mention it, much appreciated chaps, yes much appreciated indeed! I do also have to take issue with something Gemini commented on about me instead, and that was a most unfair comparison to a sheep being sheared. Hrrmph! Sheep indeed! Never heard the like of it before, most unfair old girl. For a start mine is all carefully cultivated Grade A (Officer Class) Colonel fur, whereas sheep, well theirs is just... well, it's just wool. Any old fool could grow wool! Anyway, round two of my thinning-out came just in time for summer to re-surface this weekend with a vengeance. Far too hot for Yours Truly I'm afraid, so I put in for a day's leave of duties on Sunday and retired to the shade of the Big Bush. I noticed 3-Dinners (SpareCat) had found himself a very prestigious shady spot too. There he was stretched out like Lord Muck in th shade of the tomato plants on next door's decking. My sources tell me the next door folks come back from their holiday in a couple of days, I wonder who'll tell them they've acquired a new part time cat!
Friday 26th August ~ by Gemini
So, the folks have gone and got yet another posh new-fangled comb-thingy to tackle the Colonel's copious amounts of extra fur. He just seems to produce tons more of the stuff than he actually needs, unlike me, I might grow a little extra here and there but I like to think I'm quite economical with my spare fur. This is the third new contraption they've bought for him and his excessive 'uniform'. There was the comb thing with swivelly teeth, which worked pretty well from what I could see, then came the glove-thing-with-teeth which also did a pretty good job (I enjoyed that one too, for the soothing massage effect, very nice indeed). So why the New Thing? Well I found out soon enough when the folks took Beau out onto the patio to try it out on him, and just as well they did go outside too, his spare fur was coming off in clouds! It was almost like watching a sheep being sheared, and he seemed to be loving it too. Now I know why he weighs a stone - two pounds of that must be his fur! All very entertaining it was, but then to my surprise they decided to try it on me. Hah! Well they're not going to get any sheep-shearing clouds of fur off me I thought, uh-huh, not me, no way, not a chance. But hey... what the..? I... er, oh, this is nice! That's it, down the back, nice loooong strokes, now the sides... goodness me that's relaxing! Aahh yes... Hey - where did all that fur come from? That can't be all mine surely? No no no, not possible. But it looks like mine, and it smells like mine, and... no, surely not! I can only assume they'd saved up my spare fur from the last three years and just pretended it had all come off today, yes that most be it. I am not a sheep!
(p.s. for anyone who has a cat with a coat like the Colonel's who wants to know what the contraption is, send me an email!)
Thursday 25th August ~ by Colonel Beau
I've been giving young laddie 3-Dinners (SpareCat) a few lessons in self assertion and confidence recently, and also passing on some of my tried and trusted enemy-recognition techniques. I had to explain that in fact the two go hand in hand (or rather paw in paw), and that once you've mastered enemy-recognition, it's usually quite clear how much confidence is needed. For a start, he didn't even appreciate that a hand bearing a bowl of food is highly unlikely to be the hand of an enemy, and that one can normally in all confidence go up and eat it, (the food that is, not the hand). I managed to identify that he's been getting his self assertion mixed up with his defensive aggression, which is an easy mistake to make if you've not been through basic training like I have. We sat on the fence together for quite a while today debating the finer points of this, and by jove I think he finally got it! His first test came at teatime when our human of the male variety produced our evening rations - including a bow for 3-Dinners of course. I gave him a quick last-minute reminder as I nipped in for my own tea ('assertion, not aggression old son, got that? Good!'), and the rest was up to him. So out came our man, up trots 3-Dinners, down goes the bowl... and for the first time ever he gave a miaow instead of a hiss! That's the ticket laddie, well done, I'm proud of you! It's what I always say about hissing, it might win you a few battles but it'll never win you the war. Trust me, the Colonel knows best.
Wednesday 24th August ~ by Gemini
I'm sure Beau wonders why I sometimes sit by the catflap and grumble at him when he wants to get past to go out. I know the folks certainly wonder why I do it. They all seem equally bemused when I sit there and grumble at him when he wants to come back in again. Well, there's no big mystery to it, it's just because I can! Oh it's only a bit of fun really, it amuses me to see the look on the Colonel's face as he's trying to decide whether it's safe to nip past me or not. He has such a struggle to make up his mind sometimes, I can almost hear his brain cells wrestling with each other! This photo was taken at his almost-decided moment, the bit where be has to ask my permission to pass! Anyway, as I predicted, 3-Dinners (SpareCat) is getting braver in the bad weather (he's terribly cautious but not stupid). It rained and rained most of today, so he slipped in oh-so-quietly, ate the left over biscuits (not so quietly), and then oh-so-quietly nipped up onto the kitchen table and settled himself down on the fluffy cat bed, (what? doesn't everyone hava a flufy cat bed on their kitchen table?). Now here's the really brave bit, our human of the male variety went into the kitchen, walked over to the sink and back, right past 3-Dinners-on-the-table, and he just sat there. I reckon his little brain cells did some wrestling too, and the ones saying 'It's dry in here, best stay put' beat the ones saying 'better scarper outside, into the rain'. Smart move matey!
Tuesday 23rd August ~ by Colonel Beau
I'm glad we don't have many days like today, far too confusing for my liking. Comings and goings and goings and comings, all with no apparent organisation whatsoever. All very willy nilly if you ask me, and quite impossible to keep track of. It started when one of the folks decided to have a birthday, and everything went downhill from there. Can't see the attraction of birthdays myself, I can manage to get older without the help of birthdays thank you very much, (and in any case, I don't know when mine is, so they can't be terribly necessary, can they?). But, as it wasn't up to me, this momentous occasion went ahead anyway, and ruined my whole days routine. Visitors straight after breakfast if you please - preposterous! My routine was so disrupted that by the time lunchtime arrived, I realised I'd forgotten to have my elevenses! Hrmph, well I couldn't miss that just because of these bally humans could I? No, I most certainly could not. So, I had to re-schedule elevenses to the lunchtime slot. I figured that if I re-scheduled my lunch to 3pm, my normal mid-adfternoon snackette time, and re-scheduled my snackette to an hour before teatime, I'd be straight again by suppertime. Trouble was, 3-Dinners (SpareCat) turned up between lunchtime and snackette time, and I inadvertantly helped him our with one of his dinners, and completely forgot where I was up to! Still, there was one thing that made all this confusion worthwhile, a comment from one of the Birthday visitors. 'Ahem, Gemini... pay attention here would you old girl?' She said I was, wait for this, she said I was Magnificent. Yes, Magnificent. Mag-nif-i-cent. Hmmm yes, quite so, quite so!
Monday 22nd August ~ by Gemini
Don't humans look incredibly odd when they come in from the rain, particularly when they've forgotten their umbrellas and not worn raincoats. Wet doesn't quite express it, soggy doesn't relly do it justice, maybe hilariously soaked to the skin and drowned-rat-ish might be close to the mark. Although I'm sure even drowned rats (not that I've ever seen one) don't look half as stupid as our folks as they dripped in through the door today. The only souls wetter must have been the fish and frogs in our pond (and being wet is in their job description), and 3-Dinners (Sparecat). He obviously has no home of his own to go to, which is why he's round here all the time, and also why, even though it was tipping it down with rain all day today, there he was out on our patio, just laying there in the pouring rain getting wetter and wetter like a daft thing! Our folks have made it perfectly clear that he's welcome indoors whenever he wants (provided he doesn't spray up the furniture, which he doesn't), and me and the Colonel are quite happy about him sticking around (provided he doesn't want first pick of the best food, which he doesn't), so why didn't he just come in? Heaven only knows! He's still being Mr. I-don't-quite-belong-here cautious cat at the moment. Give him time, I reckon when the weather starts getting colder he'll put his brave head on. Anyway, even stranger than our folks coming home soaking wet, was the fact that they came home smelling of Alsatian dogs - now that's big-time strange! (I have to say that I'm quite happy for our folks to come home smelling of Alsatian dogs, provided they don't bring the real things home with them - which thankfully they didn't!)
Sat 20th and Sun 21st August ~ by Gemini, Colonel Beau and 3-Dinners (SpareCat)
What are weekends really for? Discuss...
Gemini: Well now, that all depends on the weather in my opinion. If it's sunny, weekends are for dozing in the long grass by the pond, plopping a few frogs into the water and having coley fish for lunch. If it's cloudy like today they're for dozing somewhere indoors like on the office desk, and later having coley fish for lunch.
Col. Beau: I have to agree with the lady Gemini, weekend activities are definitely weather dependant. Sunny weekends are for lounging on the bench, target practise with a few butterflies and having coley fish for lunch, whereas cloudy days are for indoor persuits - like investigating the garage. Today I made a thorough inspection of the car-that-isn't a-car, starting with the car seats, which are on the roof (most irregular I must say). Oh, and having coley fish for lunch, naturally.
3-Dinners: What? I...errr... crumbs! Don't come too close when you're asking me questions or I'll run away, I will! I'd rather just sit here in the grass, not too close to anyone, and mind my own business, OK? No closer, OK I mean it... or I really will run away... well, unless you have some coley fish..?
Friday 19th August ~ by Colonel Beau
My my, young laddie 3-Dinners (SpareCat) is making himself quite at home these days, well in the garden at least, (can you say 'making himself at garden'? No probably not). You can always tell when a cat is feeling quite at home, it's when they roll over on their back, belly-up with legs all over the place, and that's just what he was doing down on our Western Front today. It's a bigger belly now than when we first knew him, but at the risk of being indiscreet, it's still not half as impressive as the Lady Gemini's belly (but he's working on it). He got just a tad braver today too, and for the first time ventured in through the catflap for one of his dinners whilst the human troops were sat tere at the table. He didn't look terribly comfortable with the situation though, so he just polished off his rations and scarpered. For such a young recruit he must have had a pretty scary life up until now to be so cautious. Me, I don't do caution, never have. Straight in at the deep end I go, no messing, hang the consequences, caution to the wind, that's me. Mind you I am twice the size of 3-Dinners, lots of years older and far more qualified. And I've had a broken jaw you know, did I ever mention that? Yes, hard to believe in one so handsome isn't it? Sustained in the line of duty it was, terrible business, don't like to go on about it though.
Gemini Relations Report (Month 7): Interesting development during 2 cats versus 2 shoelaces combat session. Yours truly pounced on Field Marshall Gemini's shoelace in error, right in front of her face. Result - one small growl but not a sign of wanting to box me round the ears this time! I knew it - she's falling for my charms, slowly but surely!
Thursday 18th August ~ by Gemini
I have no idea where Memory Lane is, but humans all seem to like going there every so often. Our human of the female variety went off there last night with one of her old friends (and I do mean old, apparently they've known each other since they were kittens!). Although I don't know the exact location of this place, after completing my assessment on her return I have a much better idea. I'd say it was located somewhere between 'up the pub' and the chip shop. Anyway, as usual I was the only one good enough to wait up for her, and the only one dedicated enough to meet her at the top of the road and escort her to the front door. I know, I know, what a little goody-4-paws I am, but someone has to do it and everyone else (yes Beau, I do mean you!) was too busy being asleep. There's been some sad news and some good news today. The sad news was hearing that one of our old friends Nelson Cat has gone to Rainbow Bridge. Nelson was for many years the Cat in Charge at Cupar Animal Trust in Fife, and shared many a matey-email with George. He'll be sadly missed but very fondly remembered, (It's probably good news for George though, I'm sure him and Nelson will be getting up to some mischief together at the Bridge). The good news was hearing that our brave little friend Dennis Cat is continuing to improve - nice one matey, keep it up. Hey Dennis, just a thought, if there are any bits where your fur doesn't grow back properly let me know, and I'll send you a bagful of the Colonel's!
Wednesday 17th August ~ by Colonel Beau
I've always said one has to keep one's eye on the ball, otherwise any jolly thing could happen, and so it has. Due to the sunshine, and the fact that I was lounging in my Bed of Sticks at the time, I did indeed take my eye off our particular ball, i.e. the UFO under the bushes. I gather from Field Marshall Gemini that our human of the male variety bravely went into the bushes, captured it, and despatched it to an uncertain fate ('kicked it back over the fence' I believe was her description). Of course I would have done the same, but although I could have pounced on it, wrestled with it, stuck my claws in it even, kicking it in the air is sadly beyond even my extensive skill base. Still, I get the credit for discovering the little blighter in the first place and keeping it in line until the human backup troops arrived, who know what terrible things would have happened otherwise. Fat Baby seagull caused a bit of a stir today (yes, here it is, blatantly perched in my garage roof surveillance post). It decided to flap down onto the patio right in front of us all, and then being very stupid, it started waddling towards Field Marshall Gemini. Understandably she went into pre-battle mode with her 'come and have a go...' look on her face. Fat Baby squawked and waddled closer, as I say, very stupid. I have no idea who might have won that battle, but the folks obviously didn't want to find out, so one of them clapped their hands at it, and chased it down the garden until it flapped off into the blue yonder. If Seagull Mum has any sense she'll tell Fat Baby all about the perils of getting too close to the Lady Gemini. And if she doesn't I'll have to, well let's face it, I have first hand knowledge!
Tuesday 16th August ~ by Gemini
I've always known our folks weren't very good on foreign languages, as far as I can tell the limit of their abilities is 'Excuse me, where are the toilets?' in French (useful I suppose) and 'The jellyfish is quick' in Spanish (don't ask). Not a huge repertoire for people of their advanced ages. So imagine my complete surprise when our female human came home this morning after being off out somewhere, apparently having learned a completely new language. I heard her on the phone (to someone speaking the same language, I presumed), and it went something like this: "gheghow, aagh ghushht haghh a ghoooffought, Igh caughnht schpeaghh gherry ghelll". Crumbs! How impressive is that - learning a new language in just one morning, amazing! It wasn't too long before my admiration was quashed completely when I found out that she'd just had a tooth pulled out. Hmm, I should have known there would be some rediculous explanation. Never mind, toilets and jellyfish will have to do. Cats of course can speak many languages, some better than others of course. Myself, I'm fluent in a range of cat langauges, although my Siamese is a bit rusty these days. I'm pretty good at seagull-ese and can understand most dog dialects, plus I can just about get by in rabbit if needed. Beau of course is one up on me, having lived with a tortoise before coming to live here. Still tortoise is quite an easy langauge to learn apparently, they only have about six words and three of those relate to lettuce!
Monday 15th August ~ by Colonel Beau
Ah yes, outdoor duties today, just the ticket. It's been a busy old day too, what with keeping my eye on the UFO, making improvements to my 'Bed of Sticks' and supervising Seagull Mum and Fat Baby (yes, they were back again). I haven't reported on my Bed of Sticks before, largely because I didn't think it would be a permanent feature, but it's looking hopeful now. A couple of weeks ago the human troops lopped some branches off one of our over-large bushes and left them in the corner of the garden with every intention of 'doing something' with them, but keen gardeners that they are, nothing has got done, so I've commandeered it as my outdoor resting place. All the sticks and leaves are now dried out, and I've padded them down into a super little nest of dried bits, some of which sticks to the old uniform when I go back indoors. It leaves a handy little trail behind me too, which is jolly useful for the folks, they can just follow the trail if they want to find me in a crisis.There's not much to report on the UFO or Fat Baby, except that they're both still around, one making rather more noise than the other. I did however, make an interesting discovery about Wood Pigeons. In an 'at ease' moment in my Bed of Sticks I noticed that sometimes they hoot in harmony! Only when there's two hooting at the same time of course. One goes 'Hoo-Hoooo Hoo' on one note, and at the exact same time the other goes 'Hoo-Hoooo Hoo' in harmony on a higher note. And just to think I nearly caught one of those the other week. Now I know they can do harmonies, I'll have a little more respect the next time I try to catch one!
Sat 13th and Sun 14th August ~ by Gemini
One of the things about living near to the sea is the seagulls always trying to nick your food (and your goldfish). 3-Dinners (SpareCat) found out all about this on Saturday when two of them came down into the garden to take advantage of his second dinner (lucky for him he'd already eaten dinner number one). They're very brave our local gulls, I mean there was Sparecat by his bowl, the Colonel on the bench and me on the patio steps only feet away - three guard-cats and still they came! Lucky for them I was too stunned by their audacity to even chase them, so I just sat and watched. Mum and baby I think they were, although baby was somewhat fatter than Mum! Here's Fat Baby trying to get the last bits of cat food out of SpareCat's bowl. Sunday's highlight was me and the Colonel having a good old sporting tussle on the path. Well, there I was having a nice wash after lunch, and unbeknown to me Beau had crept up behind me and stationed himself less than half a comfort-zone away (i.e. way too close!). I'd done my front paws and belly without realising I had a large white furry thing watching me, but when I twisted round to do my back, there he was! A sudden vision of the Colonel at close range is quite a disturbing sight when you're not expecting it, and I just couldn't help myself, so a little 'Mrriaaaaowwwll' moment ensued, if you know what I mean. Of course no-one actually got hurt, this was a family fight - all derring-do and no damage!
Friday 12th August ~ by Colonel Beau
I've had to put Cat Chat Towers into battle stations mode, declare a Red Alert, raise security up to a Level Ten um... thingy today (sorry, I forget the official term, the old memory's not what it was). You see whilst on perimeter patrol this morning I discovered a large red and black UFO under the bushes behind the Self Contained Organic Waste Storage and Conversion System (compost bin). An Unexpected Footballing Object in fact. Yes, precisely, a football. Worrying isn't it, especially at this time of year when it's quite obviously cricket season! You'd think the perpetrators of such an invasion would have known better. Did they honestly think the Colonel wouldn't realise their little error. Do they think I was born yesterday? Or even the day before? Well I wasn't, and I know their little game (apart from the offside rule, never could get to grips with that one), so I'm keeping a very close eye on it, until I can work out it's purpose, (keeping my eye on the ball you might say). It appears to be pretty much 'at ease' there at the moment, but I feel sure it's just waiting for further orders. My other discovery today was a spiffing new combat game one can play with our hall curtain, (and no, I don't mean jumping out from behind it and scaring the Lady Gemini, tried that once, outcome not pleasant, not advisable to try again). The thing with this is to get behind the curtain and sit ready to pounce at one end, whilst someone wiggles a shoelace behind the curtain at the other end (any willing human will do, the curtain and the shoelace are the important factors). So the shoelace wiggles, and I pounce along the whole length of the curtain ('Whuumph!'), then practise tearing said shoelace limb from limb, and retreat back to the start again. Then the shoelace wiggles, and I pounce... well I could go on, but I suggest any cat who's read this far should find thier own curtain, shoelace and willing human! This exercise is now part of CATS (the Colonel Approved Training Scheme.)
Thursday 11th August ~ by Gemini
Well even if nothing remarkable happened yesterday, today certainly made up for it. We had visitors coming at us from all sides, human ones through the front door and a feline one over the back fence! The human ones I'd not seen for a long time, not since George's days, and neither had the folks it would seem, going by the amount of hugging going on. All very emotional I'm sure, but there were no prawns or custard involved, so not much of a celebration really, still they seemed to be enjoying themselves. Our other visitor was rather more predictable, I mean we hadn't seen him for oh, now let me think, several hours at least! What wasn't so predictable was the boldness with which he strolled up and joined the both of us. It's the first time that he's been brave enough to sit up on the patio with us both, like he actually wanted to be part of the gang (sorry Colonel, part of the Regiment, is that better?). The folks were equally amazed, particularly that he stayed there long enough for a 'group photo'. They shouldn't have been terribly surprised, they should know by now that he's not going anywhere until he's had his three dinners. Ah yes, there's a cat with his priorities in the right order!
Wednesday 10th August ~ by Gemini and Colonel Beau
Gemini: Wednesday? What Wednesday? Where did that go then?
Col. Beau: Where did what go, old girl?
Gemini: Wednesday of course, there must have been one, but it seems to have gone all un-recorded somehow.
Col. Beau: Well don't blame me old bean, it wasn't my turn to do the diary.
Gemini: Hmm, no, I suppose it wasn't. Still, you must have noticed whether we had one or not, didn't you?
Col. Beau: Well yes of course I noticed, I'm highly trained to notice everything. Nothing gets past the Colonel you know, nothing at all.
Gemini: Oh good, perhaps you can fill me in on a few details then, and I'm sure I'll remember the rest of it then.
Col. Beau: A few details eh? Well now, let me think... um, details about what exactly?
Gemini: Wednesday! Details about Wednesday! Like where did it go? What happened? Was I asleep or something?
Col. Beau: Ah yes, that's quite possible old girl. Still, I wouldn't worry about it, if I'm not much mistaken we're scheduled to have another one next week.
Gemini: Next week? Next week? (see what I have to put up with?)
Tuesday 9th August ~ by Colonel Beau
Over the last few weeks we've had something of a jungle growing over the fence above the weed border. I gather from field Marshall Gemini that it's an annual occurrance, but seeing as this is my first summer at Cat Chat Towers I have every right to be intrigued by it, and of course to carry out my own investigations. So that's what I did today, but I must say it took all my powers of skill and judgement to navigate through it, and and in fact, to find my way out again! It's amazing how much a bit of jungle can change things, I mean that section of fence is where I normally launch my garage roof offensives from, but there's no chance of that now, not with our neighbourhood triffid in the way. I gather my predecessor George used to navigate this same bit of jungle to end up at his much loved 'vole holes', so he must have been an intrepid sort, just like yours truly. It didn't look easy, but I have my reputation to think of, so I steeled my nerve, readied my claws and muscled my way in - Tally Ho - in we go! My camera crew were there to record me going in... and coming out. Mission Accomplished!
Monday 8th August ~ by Gemini
By and large I'm very pleased to have been born a cat as opposed to a human being, and only on the very odd occasion do I find it has any drawbacks. One of the very few drawbacks is being small, and also being covered in camouflage-coloured fur, I sometimes go unnoticed in situations where I would much prefer to be noticed. Like when I've been curled up on the sofa (which is also fairly camouflage-coloured), I've gone unnoticed and then got sat on. Or, like today, having followed one of the folks into the garage, I went off exploring, and not having noticed me, they went out and locked me in! Don't get me wrong, I like to explore the garage, but not for four hours, and certainly not when there's no food in there with me! As the Colonel would say... 'Hrmph!'. I'm frequently glad I'm not a human when it comes to food, particularly when it's our human of the female variety doing the cooking. I can get the best of human food anytime just by asking nicely (licking the custard pot, cleaning the creme caramel bowls, licking the cream off the strawberries, and other delicious little extras), without needing to resort to eating their other muck the rest of the time, (who in their right mind would eat vegetables anyway?). At least when our human of the male variety cooks, he goes out do to it (at the chip shop), then brings the food back to eat here, whereas she insists on trying to cook, even though she's proved time and time again that she's rubbish at it. Do you know, she managed to set the fire alarm off twice today whilst preparing their lunch! (I wouldn't normally mention it, but they were only having salad! Heh heh heh!)
Saturday 6th and Sunday 7th August ~ by Colonel Beau
I say, that young laddie 3-Dinners (SpareCat) is getting earlier and earlier these days, he actually turned up for breakfast both days this weekend. Bearing in mind that he visits for supper after the folks go to bed, and also for his three dinners around late afternoon, I'd say he's being rather well catered for in the food department. He's showing willing too, by doing the odd shift of lookout duty on the Western Front (commonly known as the garden path). Between the three of us we have the base pretty much covered: 3-Dinners on the Western Front, Field Marshall Gemini covering the pond area and yours truly patrolling the Parade Ground (commonly known as the patio), and the Eastern Front (the Weed Borders). Quite a formidable regiment, I think you'll agree! Gemini showed one of her most formidable sides on Sunday I'm afraid, when I thought I might just nip quietly up onto the chair beside her... well I suppose that was rather an ambitious thought. Suffice to say she objected in no uncertain terms! I won't repeat her actual language (it wasn't very ladylike), but the gist of it was something along the lines of 'actually, I'd rather you found another chair'. Luckily we have a good selection of chairs! A small setback in an otherwise excellent weekend, of sunshine and coley fish. To say nothing of the knicker elastic. It was an excellent game, but I have strict orders to say nothing of the knicker elastic!
Friday 5th August ~ by Gemini
Oh my goodness gracious! And they said they'd never do it again after the last time. Well that just goes to prove that humans don't know what they're talking about half the time, and don't know what's good for them the rest of the time. I couldn't believe my whiskers today when a big van arrived and we took delivery of some rather Big Boxes, which turned out to contain the same as the last lot of Big Boxes a few weeks ago - lots more of these wristband thingummys. The same 'Rescue Cats Rock!' wristbands I might add, that caused a certain foolish human not too far from here to 'do her back in' the last time. So why on earth are they doing it all over again? Well apparently lots of cat rescue places across the country have already run out of their first lot, and they really, really need some more to raise some more funds for all their fabulous cats... so basically they just couldn't say no! At least they've taken my advice this time and are counting, sorting and packing them on the kitchen table, rather than on the floor like last time (sorry, but they're far too old and cranky to do things like that on the floor these days). I almost volunteered to help with the counting, but once I'd had a nosey into the first box and realised the enormity of the task, I took the sensible decision to leave them to it! (Well I did have a heap of other important stuff to attend to... biscuits to finish, cushions to sit on, dreams to dream...)
Thursday 4th August ~ by Colonel Beau
She loves me... she loves me not... she loves me... she loves me not... I'l be quite honest, all those years of training during my long and distinguished career, and all my experience 'out in the field' still hasn't equipped me to crack the complex code that is the Lady Gemini. It's a jolly good job I enjoy a challenge. Today's mysterious code went something like this: We passed each other twice in the kitchen doorway this morning, and she didn't so much as grumble at me either time (she loves me), but later on she clocked me round the ear when I tried to see what she had in her bowl (she loves me not). Then, this evening we had a spiffing good shoelace swatting session together, during which I even pounced on her shoelace without getting growled at, (she loves me), but when I surprised her later on by jumping out at her from behind the hall curtain (which in retrospect, was maybe a tad foolish of me), she went straight back to being little Miss Hissy-Fit (she loves me not). Ah well, Rome wasn't built in a day. I wonder how long it did in fact take to build Reome, because that might give me a clue as to how long my Gemini Relations Mission might take! The good news of today is that brave Dennis cat is eating well and showing some signs of progress. Excellent stuff old boy, keep it up, we're all behind you.
Wednesday 3rd August ~ by Gemini
All my petty grumbles with the Colonel, and those niggling little gripes about not getting coley fish often enough, and any vague notions that life could somehow be more perfect were all suddenly put into stark perspective today. We were contacted by the distraught folks of a little cat called Dennis, who has suffered terrible injuries after being savaged by a dog. His injuries are so horrific that it's an absolute miracle that he survived at all, but thanks to the skill and dedication of the vets, and the love and support of his family, he's hanging on in there. Dennis himself is showing a level of bravery and sheer determination beyond anything I could imagine. The full story is on the Forum, but if you are easily upset please be warned, it may be traumatic to view and read. So today, I'm just feeling very, very lucky to be comfy and safe and despite my reservations about him, I'm also very, very glad that the Colonel is comfy and safe too. And 3-Dinners (SpareCat) too for that matter. All the fingers and paws at Cat Chat Towers are firmly crossed for plucky Dennis and his family. Best of luck matey, we're thinking of you. xxxx
Tuesday 2nd August ~ by Colonel Beau
Ah yes, that's the ticket, just what I needed, a good old combat session with the quickest shoelace in town. My multi-directional shoelace control is legendary, so I nailed it first time, almost every time (except when it went in the sink, but that was hardly my fault). It's a jolly noisy old business though, particularly when you're my size (and weight), so it wasn't long before Field Marshall Gemini came up to see what all the thumping was about, and then of course she wanted to join in. It's curious really, she makes out she doesn't want anything to do with me one minute and the next thing you know she's pouncing on my shoelace! That's gals for you, never could quite figure them out, and the Lady Gemini's even less figure-out-able than most. She's bally nifty with her claws too so when the folks produced a second shoelace, i made certain not to pounce on the same one as her (that would have been more than my currently scratch-free nose is worth!). The best part, as usual, was the post-combat communal treat session. She forgets any notions of hostility when we're both filling our faces! So why did the folks take this photo? probably because we aren't very often that close, (she's still in long-term denial, she loves me deep down - very deep down!). It was taken just before the treats arrived, hence Gemini's highly cautious, between-shoelaces-and-treats look!
Monday 1st August (White Rabbit) by Gemini
The Colonel was quite right about 3-Dinners, he turned up again today and stationed himself just outside the catflap in expectation of a dinner or several. Lucky boy today too, me and Beau had had chicken, and the folks just happened to have saved a little bit 'just in case'. Oh yes, we know how to treat our stray cats round here, I can tell you! As for the Colonel, well he seems to be continuing his 'positive perkiness' from the weekend. I don't know what's got into him, he's just been so... so.. insufferably lively! I wouldn't mind if he kept it to himself but he keeps trying to be insufferably lively near me! He's back on the old follow-Gemin-about tactic, in the mistaken belief that I'll somehow give in and become his bezzie mate. Nearly every time I go out he's there behind me like some big white shadow. I've tried walking quicker to put some distance between us, but he just goes quicker too. Once, this afternoon, I actually broke into a run (not something I undertake lightly), and he jolly well ran after me - he's cruising that boy, I tell you. I thought maybe I should stop suddenly, turn round and shout 'Boo!', but I modified that idea and instead I stopped suddenly, turned round and hissed at him. He still doesn't get it though. He just looked all bewildered, sort of like 'oh, who are you hissing at then, old girl? Not me surely?'. How he ever got by 'in the wild' I shall never know!
Sat 30th & Sun 31st July ~ by Colonel Beau
Well the Lady Gemini might be happy curling up on laps and dreaming her spare time away, but I've got places to go, things to do and bags of energy to use up. I've felt positively perky all weekend so I've spent a lot of time 'out in the field' as it were, making my presence felt, patrolling the base (and next door's) and looking mightily important. I had an unexpected stroke of luck too whilst looking important on the perimeter wall. A bird flew right in front of me and landed in a bush in next door's garden - only a modest leap away. Now I've never been one to pass up an opportunity like that, so I leapt my modest leap and got it, no problem at all (my jaw might be wonky, but my aim is still as good as ever!). After the human troops requisitioning my mouse the other day, I figured the sensible plan was to eat it outside and not give them the chance this time, and bally tasty it was too. Can't quite bring myself to eat the feet though, well you never know what they've been walking in, do you? The other notable event of the weekend was a visit from Man in Socks. I've been in his car you know, or should I say he's had the pleasure of chauffeuring me! Not today though, although I was slightly concerned when one of the cat boxes appeared, but he'd just come to borrow it for his own cat (yes, 'Phew!' indeed). I like the idea of having a chauffeur but it's hard even for me to look dignified in a cat box. And finally, I have to report that SpareCat (3-Dinners) didn't come round today and the folks are getting concerned. No need chaps, no need, he'll be back, mark my words, the Colonel knows best!
Friday 29th July ~ by Gemini
I would like to personally thank Harry Potter for the increased amount of QLT (Quality Lap Time) that I've had over the last couple of weeks, as it's completely his doing. I predicted this would heppen, I remember only too well the last time, I'd never known that lap to sit still for so long (well the last one was a very big book!). I was slightly disappointed when I found out that this latest volume wasn't quite so big, but I can't complain, I've had two weeks of favourite-lap-sat-still for my snoozing pleasure. Sadly, this evening was the last such session, as she has come to the end. It must have been pretty exciting though, that lap sat still until gone midnight! So after today I'll be lucky to get the odd half hour of QLT, let alone hours at a stretch, well until the next book comes out of course, (request to Ms. Rowling, can you make the next one Really Huge please?). Colonel Beau hasn't got the hang of curling up on laps, in fact I've never seen him sit on one for more than thirty seconds at a time. Maybe it's a boy thing, I mean in all George's eight and a half years the number of times he sat on a lap could be counted on my front claws! Bodger the Lodger, our stray-boy-foster-cat from last year didn't used to do laps at first, but then he came round to the idea and ended up quite liking sitting on our female human's lap, when she used to read Harry Potter aloud to him. So... maybe there really is magic in those pages?
Thursday 28th July ~ by Colonel Beau
By jove it's been a bit of a roller-coaster ride today on the Gemini Relations front. This morning you'd have thought I was public enemy number one the way she was carrying on, growling at me in the kitchen, hissing at me under the garden bench, so much for me being the 'hero of the hour' yesterday! I'll give her the benefit of the doubt (again) and put it down to th fact that she hadn't had breakfast, and also that she's just a cranky old gal first thing in the morning. She was fine by lunchtime though, particularly as we had coley fish out in the al-fresco canteen, that always puts her in a good mood. So we had side-by-side coley and all was well with the world. She came up and sniffed my tail too, and that can't be a bad sign. Young laddie SpareCat appears to be gaining in confidence by the day. He turned up this evening for his dinners, unaware that our trusty trustees were all gathered for a meeting. Now only a couple of weeks ago I reckon he'd have turned tail and retreated, but not these days. He marched boldly up to the back door, and happily munched his way through a portion of regular cat food, the remains of our coley fish and half a bowl of biscuits to follow, all the while being watched with some fascination by our committee! Given his ability to tuck food away like a furry waste-disposal-unit, the current name under consideration is '3-Dinners' (or 3-D for short). I suggested 'Batman' but that was far too obscure for them, (dinner dinner dinner dinner, dinner dinner dinner dinner... oh never mind, just my little joke).
Wednesday 27th July ~ by Gemini
Ha! If I didn't hold Colonel Beau in such dubious regard I'd have said he was the hero of th hour! The particular hour in question was approximately 4.30am to 5.30am this morning, which was about the time it took the folks to locate, catch and release the mouse he'd caught and brought in. for some reason our folks didn't seem overly pleased to be up and about at that time, can't understand it myself (heh heh heh). One of them almost managed to corner it in the bathroom, but Beau hadn't actually hurt it at all so it was still very much full of beans (or whatever it is that mice are full of), and it jumped up their arm, over their shoulder and away... across the landing and straight into the office, (uh-oh, now the fun begins!). Mice are exceedingly good at hiding behind, under or between desks, filing cabinets, boxes, pot plants, radiator pipes and so on and so on. So our folks had a rather more eventful 4.30am to 5.30am than they would have chosen, and by the end of it the office (and the folks) looked like a complete wreck! As for the mouse, he got out under the door (where I was waiting), so I chased him downstairs and cornered him by the heap of shoes in the hall (don't ask). they finally caught him when he took refuge inside a shoe... and Mr. Mouse was released outside, safe and sound, but probably very exhausted. After that excitement the fact that SpareCat hung round for about two hours this afternoon seems tame in comparison, but at least he poses for the camera!
Tuesday 26th July ~ by Colonel Beau
I er, well, I didn't... I mean, I couldn't have... Hrmph, goodness me. How was I to... you know, oh dear. Still, what's done is done and what's eaten is eaten. What happened today was clearly human error, I can't see how anyone could blame me for doing what I did. Any self-respecting cat would have done the same under the circumstances. The circumstances were pretty much like this: Empty kitchen, no security in sight, plastic carrier bag laying unattended on the worktop. An open invitation to investigate I think you'll agree. In fact I felt it was my honour-bound duty to investigate! On closer inspection my highly trained and experienced nose detected that somewhere inside the unattended bag lurked some equally unattended tuna. On the basis that the folks sometimes bring me and the Lady Gemini a portion of chicken in a similar carrier bag, I naturally assumed they'd brought us tuna instead. And on the basis that Gemini didn't bother to alert me when there was some cream going the other week, I didn't feel the need to alert her to my discovery, so I tackled it on my own. The carrier bag was no problem, but the job wasn't quite that simple. The tuna was hidden inside a bread-stick-thing wrapped in clingfilm, which in turn was wrapped in a paper bag, (on reflection this should have perhaps been a clue that it was't in fact meant for me), So I broke through the bags, clawed the clingfilm aside, relegated the cucumber and tomato to the kitchen floor, and ate half the tuna before being discovered... Ah, right, it er... wasn't meant for me then? No, it would seem not. Ah well, it was a jolly tasty mistake to make!
Monday 25th July ~ by Gemini
The Digger Men came back today, although they didn't do much digging due to the rain. Luckily they had a van to sit in, so they mostly sat in it and looked out at last week's holes, and just nipped down them between showers. Still no treasure apparently. One of them had the bright idea that the treasure might be in the cupboard under our stairs, so he had a good look round in there and mucked about with a few pipes while he was at it. I could have saved him the bother, I've been in every nook and cranny of that cupboard, and if there was any treasure I'd know all about it. But did anyone ask me? As always, the answer to that is no, they did not. So, onto the bizarre sight of this afternoon then. Shame the folks weren't quick enough with the camera, this was so odd to watch. SpareCat was round (earlier than usual I noticed) for his dinners - and I do mean dinners, plural. Anyway, he'd polished off bowl number one and had left just a few weeny bits in bowl number two, then he'd wandered over to the bench for a wash (good lad), and that's when the seagull arrived. The first we knew of it was hearing this loud scraping noise on the patio - and there was this massive seagull dragging SpareCat's bowl along the ground in his beak! George always used to say some of our seagulls had beaks the size of garden shears, and to think I never believed him - until now!
Sat 23rd and Sun 24th July ~ by Colonel Beau
I must say it's been a curious old weekend, quite apart from having a digger in the garden. For a start we had a visit from this nice old chap who used to visit me at my previous home. Jolly nice to see him of course, but it did cause a wee bit of confusion in my old brain. He was in the wrong place you see, out of context as it were, hardly playing fair in my opinion. Humans should learn to either stay put, or at least give advance warnings when they're going to turn up in unexpected places. But that was nothing compared to the shock I had Saturday tea time. Never mind the railways and their 'wrong sort of snow', I was shocked and horrified to find my bowl contained the wrong sort of cat food! Outrageous state of affairs, how can they expect me to carry out my duties to any satisfactory degree on the wrong sort of food? It's a disgrace that's what it is, so naturally I ignored it with as much dignity as I could muster on an empty stomach, until they gave in some time later and 'found' the right sort of food from somewhere. Hrmph, I should jolly well think so too. And then Sunday it rained. It rained solidly for most of the day in fact, but when it finally stopped, another curious situation came about. Me and Field Marshall Gemini went outside, only to find SpareCat laddie waiting for us! So there we were, the three of us, all sat at different points in the garden, looking at each other. So eventually we invited him back for tea. Gemini and I ate inside, and SpareCat ate just outside the catflap (he seems happier that way, and he was also more than happy to finish off that 'wrong sort of food' from Saturday). Will he hever get braver? Will the Lady Gemini let him? Is there really treasure buried in our road? I think I need to start a few dossiers. Toodle Pip!
Friday 22nd July ~ by Gemini
As at this afternoon we have a hole where we didn't have one before. We also have a digger machine where we didn't have one before. Our front garden was invaded today by men in big jackets with noisy concrete-smashing machines, a large hosepipe thing and a digger. Not a normal Friday, I must say. I have no idea what it's all about, but I can only assume there must be something very valuable under the ground somewhere in our road. Our garden was the first to have a hole dug in it - big enough for two men and their big jackets (but not the digger), but they can't have found anything because a short while after, they abandoned our hole and wend to dig another one in the garden opposite. Buried treasure perhaps? An as yet undiscovered Gold Mine? No-one was letting on, and even Beau admitted it was outside of his vast experience. We decided the safest thing was to stay indoors and just check on their progress from the windowsills. By teatime they'd made no less that six holes at various points in the road and still no sign of any treasure. Apparently they're coming back on Monday to dig some more holes, and in the meantime they've very kindly left us with their digger. Confused? Most definitely! Just as well our human of the female variety hasn't finished the new Harry Potter yet, at least the evening was normal, and I was able to nap on a lap that stayed still for once. Trouble was I kept dreaming of giant mice in big jackets driving diggers!
Thursday 21st July ~ by Colonel Beau
Oh I say, that was a rather exciting little set-to me and the Lady Gemini had yesterday, all over far too quickly though. Shame really, she's much more fun than my usual sparring partner, the bathroom rug. I told her we should do that more often, but she reckons the folks couldn't handle it! Still, we had 'Close Encounters' again today, but of a SpareCat kind this time. No tussles there though, he's a personable little laddie, no trouble at all, and I observed that he's looking a little plumper and healthier these days. That's partly to do with having the old nip-tuck jobbie a couple of months ago, but also to do with his increasingly regular visits to the Cat Chat Towers canteen. He was in for a right old treat today, the folks laid on a three course meal for him, (I could have been a tad jealous, but we'd had a salmon treat already!). His first course was just regulation issue tinned cat food (nothing wrong with that in my opinion), followed by a helping of biscuits for second course. But I'm sure he couldn't believe his luck when dessert arrived - real cream! Only a modest splash of the stuff mind, don't want to upset his constitution, but enough to make him feel welcome. He still won't come into the kitchen when the folks are there, so they put his bowls just outside the catflap. This photo was taken post-cream, looking in through Gemini's sunbathing window. I do believe he was actually waiting around in case there was a fourth course!
Wednesday 20th July ~ by Gemini
It wasn't my fault - he shouldn't have got so close, should he? Colonel Beau should know by now that when I'm asleep, I rather like to stay that way unless there's something really worthwhile waking up for, like prawns, or creme caramel, or custard, or tuna-mayo... well, you get the picture. Anyway, I didn't think I needed a 'Do Not Disturb' sign round my neck, but after today's little incident maybe I'll have to get one. There I was in the land of nod, all warm and comfy on the hall floor, in the last rays of the evening sun, when Beau decided to stick his nose in where it's not wanted (again). He must have sidled up quiet as a mouse (albeit a very huge mouse), because the first I knew of it was waking up all in a hurry when he started sniffing my ears! I don't know how long a split second actually is, but that was roughly the amount of time it took me to round on him, take aim and swipe him round the chops. And to my surprise, and delight, this time he didn't back off! So we had a proper little tussle, a Gem-over-Beau-over-Gem, fur-flying tussle, and about time too, I knew he had it in him. The folks came running of course (well we were a bit noisy!), expecting to have to break us apart, but it was all over by the time they arrived on the scene. Hurt? Oh no no, of course neither of us got hurt, this wasn't an 'enemy fight', just a 'family fight'. Goodness, you'd think these humans would have learned to tell the difference by now!
Tuesday 19th July ~ by Colonel Beau
As a cat of rank and distinction, being calm, collected and dignified is second nature to me, and enables me to command respect from all sides (well, all except Gemini, but she's on a side all of her own). But, experience has taught me that there's also a time and a place for throwing dignity to the wind and making a complete and utter fool of oneself. One of those times was this morning just after breakfast, and the place was out on our patio. It started off normally enough, with the usual post-breakfast fussing routine, but then our human of the male variety decided to try me on the sort of full-on double-handed fuss that used to delight my predecessor George so much. Apparently he used to go bonkers for this, and now I can see why. It's not a fuss for the faint hearted, but I'm a rufty tufty sort, fearless in the face of fear and all that, plus I weight a stone, so that helps. I'm not ashamed to admit that I disolved into a heap of soppiness, with my purr control stuck in 'continuous' mode, completely forgetting that the lady Gemini was on the path watching me, quite horrified. Sorry old girl, couldn't resist. Anyway, I've been here six months now, it's about time she saw one of my really soppy sides!
Monday 18th July ~ by Gemini
So Beau was admiring my belly yesterday, was he? Well I should jolly well think so too, it's always well-groomed, well-loved and well-filled , that belly. If he wasn't quite so finicky over what he eats, and expanded his gastronomic horizons a bit, he too could have a belly like mine! He's had no less than three separate opportunities over the last couple of days to treat his belly to something new, but he passed them all by. There were the butterflies for one thing, we've got a very good crop of those this year, both white ones (ideal as 'starters') and those reddish-brown ones (main course). I must have eaten at least six over the last couple of days, but all he does is swat them and look at them - what's the use in that? His second missed opportunity was this morning, when the folks tried (for the umpteenth time plus one) to introduce him to a new variety of food, the stuff in the little trays. I've always liked those but it seems our new-improved five-flavours Beau can't quite stretch his imagination any further ('trays eh? No no, not for me thanks, I'll leave those for the gals'). He doesn't know what he's missing. I was rather pleased about the third thing he turned his nose up at, because that meant all the more for me - Creme Caramel! Oh I sooo deserve Creme Caramel.I expect that accounts for at least one of the lovely subtle browny-orange hues in my belly fur. how I love Creme Caramel, and how I love my Caramelly Belly too!
Saturday 16th and Sunday 17th July ~ by Colonel Beau
It's probably just as well I'm 'retired' these days, our parade ground was far too hot for any serious activity this weekend. Still, not one to shirk my responsibilities completely, I decided a spot of basic guard duty was in order. I split my shifts between the shady bit on the front path, the shady bit on the back path and the extremely shady bit under the Big Bush. Guard duty on hot days is never too taxing, I mean if it's too hot for the Colonel it'll certainly be too hot for any enemies. The only invaders today was the occasional fly-past by some of the local airborne Butterfly Battalions. They're no threat of course, but I did leap out and launch a surface-to-air attack on the odd one just to keep my paw-to-eye co-ordination on top form. Field Marshall Gemini did her own share of guard duty, only she did a lot of hers upside down. Not awfully professional if you ask me, but once again, in the interest of Gemini Relations, I said nothing - just admired her belly like everyone else. She's rather good at swatting the old butterflies too, but whereas I treat my butterflies purely as target practice, she treats hers as snacks!
Friday 15th July ~ by Gemini
It's a funny old business, summer. One day it's here and the next it's not, but for today at least summer was most definitely here. I can't speak for everywhere of course, but it was here in our garden, and that'll do me. The Colonel loves it being sunny too, but unfortunately for him it also means having sun cream smeared all over his ears. Oh, he does kick up a fuss too, anyone would think he was being strangled the noise he makes. I've noticed that when he gets really insistent about something, he squeaks instead of miaowing. It's like he can only miaow so loud, and when his volume control reaches about number seven, it turns into a high pitched squeak instead. If mice grew to about fifty times their size, and weighed in at about a stone, I swear that's exactly what they'd sound like! So when he really doesn't want sun cream put on his ears... 'Squeeak!', but equally when he really does want that piece of coley fish he can smell de-frosting in the cupboard... 'Squeeak!' He's quite a handy little alarm clock from my point of view - I don't need to keep a check on if there's anything special going, like coley or chicken, I just listen for the Colonel's Squeak-Alarm! Then if it turns out to be an oh-no-not-the-sun-cream type squeak, who cares, I don't need it, (heh, heh, heh, yet another Brucie Bonus of being a tabby!)
Thursday 14th July ~ by Colonel Beau (retired)
This is outrageous! How could I have let this happen? There I was only six short months ago still very much in 'active service' at my previous home, with duties and routines and important Colonel Stuff to attend to, like circuit training at 5am, breakfast at 7am, windowsill duty til 9am, perimeter patrol til 10am... oh, you get the picture. I was organised, you know? In fact I was still organised when I came here to Cat Chat Towers, and I tried my best to introduce the troops here to a more organised way of life, but with little success. They just kept telling me I was retired now and I could do what I liked, when I liked, but preferably not at 5 o' clock in the morning. That's a strange concept for a Colonel, and one that I never thought I'd adapt to - but to my horror I now realise that's exactly what I've done! It must have happened so gradually that I hadn't noticed. It hit me this morning when I woke up and strolled down for a spot of breakfast... and realised it was gone ten o' clock! Not only had I neglected my training routine, but it appears I'd had what civvy cats refer to as a 'lie-in', preposterous! Gemini told me right from the start not to expect much in the way of routines here, just to go with the flow and not to worry as long as there was food in our bowls. I still think it's absolutely outrageous, but just like in the wild, one has to adapt to one's surroundings to survive. Yes, that's the ticket, adapt and survive. (I have to admit though, surviving here is a tad cushier than in the wild!)
Wednesday 13th July ~ by Gemini
After a couple of days of close observation I've concluded that our female human's 'bad back' is actually genuine, and not a vacuum-cleaner-dodging ruse. The 'Aargh's and 'Ouch's had already started to convince me, but the clincher was that today she's begun perfecting the art of stroking me with her foot when I'm laying on the floor, due to not being able to bend down to use her hand. I'd say that was creative stroking in the face of adversity. I suppose she could have just given up on stroking me until her back gets better, but due to my absolute strokeableness that wasn't one of her options. It's a bit weird being stroked by a foot actually, definitely heavier, flatter and clumsier (and toes aren't very good at scratching behind ears either), still, It'll do as a temporary measure. I hope our human of the male variety never has to resort to foot-stroking, I've smelled his socks at close range on a number of occasions and I don't fancy getting up close and personal with their contents! The Colonel continues to surprise us all. Spurred on by his brief visit to the living room testerday, he got even braver today and actually came up onto the settee for a few minutes (yes, I was already up there to - brave and/or stupid old thing that he is). And - get this - before he went off again he hopped up on the windowsill and sat behind the curtains, just like George used to. I swear the Colonel is getting directional hints from Rainbow Bridge!
Tuesday 12th July ~ by Colonel Beau
I took everyone by surprise today, including myself it must be said. There I was on a routine march round the house to see what was occurring, and I quite unexpectedly found myself in the living room. No idea why, that room isn't normally included on my route, in fact it's the only room in the house where I simply don't go. Oh, the door's always open and the folks have tried time and time again to coax me in there - they've even carried me in and plonked me on the sofa, but I'm having none of that nonsense! No, I've always just considered it to be the Lady Gemini's room somehow. Still, there I was today in the living room, on one of the mats (luckily there are two, Gemini was on the other one), wondering just how I'd got there. The folks were mightily pleased to see me, and Gemini wasn't growling so I sat down for a bit to see what would happen. Nothing did, so I stayed sitting there and had a little wash & brush up of the old uniform, as one does under those circumstances. So far so good. I was there a whole ten minutes in the end, got myself a little fussing from the folks and watched in amazement as Gemini laid down on her mat, rolled over on her back, legs in the air, closed her eyes and ignored me. Well, how's that for a jolly decent bit of progress? In polite cat society being ignored is more than halfway to being accepted, so being ignored by the Lady Gemini is a right feather in my cap and no mistake!
Monday 11th July ~ by Gemini
Oh dear, seems our human of the female variety has gone and 'done her back in'. Quite how this happened is not exactly clear, but I wouldn't mind betting that lifting up Colonel Beau has something to do with it. Well he is such a great big lump, and she will insist on picking him up all the time (both things being big mistakes in my opinion). Lets face it, she's been picking me up regularly for the last nine and a half years and never has this resulted in a bad back, so there I think is the proof. Of course it could all be an excuse, designed to skive off the jobs she doesn't fancy doing, I'll be keeping an eye on her in case she slips up... I mean, can you still pick up a winebox when you've 'done your back in' I wonder? We'll see. Anyway, one other strange thing she does apart from kiss the Colonel - she smells him too! I mean she picks him up, cuddles him and sticks her nose into the fur on his back and smells him - she says he smells lovely, like freshly laundered washing, (he professes to hate all this of course, says it shows a complete lack of respect for his authority, but oddly he still purrs like an engine when it happens). So today when we were having communal treats, I waited until he had his back to me, concentrating on a biscuit, and I went right up and smelled him (no, not there!), and do you know what - he really does smell like fresh laundry!
Friday 8th July... no wait, Saturday 9th... and Sunday 10th it seems too! ~ by Colonel Beau
These last few days our folks have been what's technically (but not literally) known as 'snowed under', so the 
events in the lives of the most important members of the regiment (i.e. Field Marshall Gemini and myself) have mostly gone un-reported I'm afraid. I will therefore, take matters into my own paws, and report on some of our 'best bits', (apart from Friday's best bits, because I was asleep on my fluffy box for most of the day due to inclement weather). Gemini had a jolly lucky, and most sneaky moment on Saturday, when she managed to lick the spare cream off the cake box while I was out on afternoon manoeuvres. She said she'd have saved me some, but as she quite convincingly explained, cream is one of those things you have to finish once you've started, otherwise it goes off. Yes, well, a frightfully weak excuse I think, but in the interests of our ongoing relations, I didn't argue (but I'll remember that excuse for when I'm first to the cake box!). No more goldfish have fallen from the sky for my enjoyment sadly, but as a consolation we did get coley fish on Sunday. I also got my best chance yet to explore the Under Stairs department. Under our stairs has always seemed rather like a 'Department of Mysteries' to me, but having now investigated it fully, I can report that the most mysterious things under there are two broken umbrellas and a vacuum cleaner that doesn't work. Well when I say it doesn't work, it does work to a degree, it makes all the right noises, but much to the folks annoyance it just doesn't seem to want to vacuum up my fur! (which just goes to prove what I've always said, just like the rest of me, my fur's made of sterner stuff!). Gemini rather liked the idea of our Under Stairs being a Department of Mysteries, and says she's looking forward to next Saturday... when a certain book comes out... which will mean her favourite lap will be sitting still for long periods for the duration of said book... and she's getting ready to park herself on that lap, for the duration of said book!
Thursday 7th July ~ by Gemini
Today we got a New Thing. I'm not sure what you'd call it exactly, so I'll just have to describe it. It's essentially a glove, to be worn by humans but enjoyed by cats. It's got this rubber pad thing on one side with rows of little pointy things, which when stroked down your back, makes you feel all lovely! Not that I don't feel (and look) lovely all the time, but this just goes one better. The little pointy things seem to do a mini-massage, whilst getting all the loose fur off, so it's a pamepring thing really, and if anyone deserves a bit of pamering it surely has to be me, what with having to put up with the Colonel and all. I rather think the folks got this New Thing more for his benefit than mine, seeing as he's the one with the most loose fur round here, and seeing as he so expertly manages to moult it absolutely everywhere! ( I defy anyone to find one single place in this house without at least one Beau-type hair in it.) In a way though, I hope the New Thing doesn't work too well, I'd miss the amusement of seeing the folks constantly doing battle with the menace of the white fur!
Wednesday 6th July ~ by Colonel Beau
Aha! Yet more progress with my ongoing Gemini Relations mission. I've been wearing her down bit by bit over the last nearly-six-months, and today we got closer than we've ever been so far (I don't count the times when she's bopped me round the ears, that's a different sort of 'close'). She was in her cosy cat bed on the upstairs landing, which is actually just outside my 'official quarters', so I took the opportunity to stroll up a bit closer than usual, very casually of course. When I put my nose just inside her cat bed she growled a bit at first, well at second too, but my reinforcements were nearby. One of the folks stepped in very tactfully with the 'treats pot', which does exactly what it says on the tin, and is their cunning way of diverting Gemini's attention away from growling and onto eating. The effect was immediate. I stepped right up to take advantage of this non-growling situation, and we had treats together. Me and the Lady Gemini were touching ears again - and touching whiskers too this time, how about that? I think she must love me really, she's just in long-term denial. I didn't push my luck after that and went off outside to jump on next door's car instead. They very kindly leave it parked right by their Jolly Big Fence for me. The fence isn't completely un-climbeable but it is jolly big, so their car bonnet makes for a perfect stepping stone. Frightfully decent of them don't you think? Mind you it's frightfully decent of me to take care of their doormat security, so it's only fair they return the favour. How bally lucky they are to have the Colonel living next door.
Monday 4th and Tuesday 5th July ~ by Gemini
Wristbands, wristbands, wristbands! that's all I can say really about the last two days. Monday we had three big boxes of the things delivered, which ended up strewn all over the floor being counted (twice as it goes, because typically they got it wrong the first time), and put into bags. Loads of them are being sent off to rescues around the country I gather, so that they can all raise money for the cats in their care. We're selling them on the Cat Chat Shop of course, but you might equally see them at fundraising events around the country. They've gone to rescues from the Westest of the West country right up to the Shetland Isles, how cool is that? To be honest I can't see the fascination with them, you can't eat them, they're not cuddly, and they're not even very good to play with (and I did try), but it seems they are the must-have fashion item of the summer. Our human of the female variety was all chuffed with herself because she had the first one, so for a little while at least, she'll be the only person in the world wearing one, I suppose that is something to be a bit chuffed about. I should be a bit chuffed myself actually, seeing as the 'orangey' colour was colour matched from behind my ears - that's the best thing about them of course! So, if you haven't bought one already, and you spot them on sale from your local rescue, please buy one. After all, 'Rescue Cats Rock!' (between meals).
Sunday 3 July ~ by Colonel Beau
How many cats does it take to confuse a human? Not jolly many so it would seem! I've discovered a bit of a mix-up on the stray cat front, and now the folks are wondering just how many cats they're feeding in the outside box house, and in fact whether this doesn't call for another trapping mission. The mix-up came quite early on in fact, the 14th of April to be precise, shortly after trapping mission number one, when SpareCat had his 'nip-tuck' jobbie. In my opinion, this monumental mix-up comes down to the fact that SpareCat at that time was only visiting in the dark, combined with the fact that our folks are incredibly stupid sometimes. Yes, there was a spare-type-cat in the box on 14th April, but no it wasn't our SpareCat! Nope, no way, no how. So who was he? Well thereby hangs the mixed-up mystery. The folks only realised their mistake when they got this rather splendid, close-up, no-mistaking photo of SpareCat emerging from our catflap after one of his little snack raids this afternoon. Now, although I've labelled them rather stupid (and rightly so), they did impress me with their ingenuity in getting this photo. They heard him in the kitchen crunching away, and wanted a photo, but they realised that he wasn't going to let them just waltz into there and get him to say cheese for the camera, so they got sneaky. One of them laid on their belly by Field Marshall Gemini's sunbathing window, while the other one held the curtains almost shut over them, but leaving just enough of a gap for the camera. This window is at right angles to the catflap, so they just waited... and waited.. and finally the crunching stopped and he went to make his exit - snap! Now there's no mistaking him ever again, for Spare-Sparecat or 'Chad' from yesterday, or for whoever was in the box on 14th April - THIS IS SPARECAT! Handsome little devil, isn't he?
Saturday 2 July ~ by Gemini
You know that feeling you get when you think someone's watching you from behind? Well, I had that feeling today when I was in my long-grass-nest by the pond. I naturally assumed it was Beau, so I tried to just ignore it, but the feeling carried on until I just had to turn round and look. I didn't see anyone there at first, and then I looked up higher and spotted this little furry face peeping over the fence from next door, (like Chad, for those who remember him!). A little furry face in that position means that there's also a little furry bum sat on next door's compost bin, (I know, I've been that face and that bum on occasion, it's a very comfortable compost bin). I thought it was SpareCat at first, but it wasn't, he was just doing a reasonable impression of him that's all. I've not seen this 'new cat' around before, so I do hope he belongs somewhere. So, he looked at me and I looked at him, and one of the folks took a photo and tried to pursuade him to come over the fence to say hello (fat chance!). Predictably he wouldn't, so the folks went off to watch today's insufferable live-racket-noise thing on the telly instead, and NewCat carried on looking at me and I carried on looking at him. Never mind Live 8 or Wimbledon, all the really exciting action was happening in our back garden!
Friday 1 July ~ by Colonel Beau
It's my firm belief that by and large cats are designed pretty well, and there's little room for improvement, (unlike humans, who were obviously a proto-type for something better that never went into production). Still, I think I've discovered one tiny little omission in the almost-perfect feline anatomy - the lack of a stomach capacity measuring device. What's needed is a marker that says 'Do not fill above this line'. Even being a Colonel, made of stern stuff and all that, I still occasionally make slight errors of judgement wen it comes to consuming one's rations, so to speak. Dashed annoying it is too, just when I think I've made an exemplary job of polishing off my rations and whatever's left of Field Marshall Gemini's too, back it all comes for an encore, usually all over the kitchen floor... eh? oh, sorry old girl, was that a bit too graphic? Hrmph, my deepest apologies. (Gemini's just turned a strange shade of green, which is quite an achievement for a tabby). Maybe I'd better let that subject lie and report on the box that arrived today instead: Description: One large box. Contents: The new Cat Chat t-shirts. Detailed Analysis: Pretty decent feline logo, excellent sentiment expressed in the text too (ancient Egyptians were obviously a shrewd bunch). Our female human chose hers straight away, and within half an hour I'd managed to modify the colour to a purple-and -beau-white mix, a vast improvement I think! If anyone wants one of these new garments and would also like it covered in my fur before despatch, I'll be only too happy to oblige!
