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Wednesday 30 June ~ by George
Since Gemini is still 'recuperating' from Monday, (yeah right, I'm only humouring her in case I have to have it done one day) I've been filling my time doing some of my best George Things. That's not as straightforward as it sounds either, it takes skill to get some of my George Things right. So, Thing One: See how long I am. This is done by s-t-r-e-t-c-h-i-n-g out flat on the landing, to see if I can reach between the toilet door and the top of the stairs (not yet achieved, I'm still three quarters of a cats length short). Thing Two: Get a second breakfast, by artistically sicking up the first one on the hall carpet (achieved, no bother). Thing Three: Doing a triple roll-over (no not like the lottery, this is far more fun) on the patio without falling over the edge of the step (Yay! Achieved! I tried that last weekend and fell off, but practise makes perfect!). Thing Four: Oh sorry, I can't tell you that, Gemini would cuff me round the ear if I wrote about that. (A little note to my Moggie Mates Moss & Mavro, I haven't tried the ear-scratching and beer-sniffing thing in front of the Grand Prix yet, largely because our folks don't watch the Grand Prix, does it work just as well with Tennis?)

Tuesday 29 June ~ by Gemini
It's nice to know George missed me yesterday, the feeling was mutual I can tell you. Do you know they had the cheek to shave some of my glorious tabby fur off? Honestly they did, shaved it off, 'Whzzzz' with the razor, and there it was gone, just like that! At least an inch they took, off one of my front legs. Off with the fur and in with the needle, not a please or a thank you. I don't remember a thing after that, except waking up in a cage opposite some noisy young kitten in a similar cage wailing the place down for no obvious reason. It felt like ages waiting for the folks to come and get me too, although they did have a nice piece of fish waiting for me when I finally did get home, so not a totally bad day. Oh, and of course I now have the cleanest, sparkliest, pearly-whites in the whole of our road! (and no bad breath either, thanks for checking that George mate). Today I've been making sure I get pampered and fussed at every available opportunity to make up for yesterday's ordeal, and I've told George that I shall need the best cushion on the best chair again tonight, (well, I'm still recovering, aren't I?) And, if I feel like it, I might still be 'recovering' for several days yet, maybe even until the weekend, (I'll see what I can get away with!)

Monday 28 June ~ be George
Gemini was carted off in the carrier this morning, and she wasn't allowed any breakfast either, so she was not a happy bunny. I can't see what's wrong with her teeth anyway, they still work, isn't that what counts? Her breath leaves a little to be desired it's true, but does she deserve this?
9am: Breakfast on my own. Very strange.
10am: I'm missing her already. It's too quiet without her here. Glad it's not me though. Hope she's OK. Will report back later.
12 noon: She's still not back, and it's been hours already. How many teeth has she got for goodness sake? Played a game of newspaper football, but it's not the same on your own.
3.30 pm: She's back! She's back! And the first thing she wanted to do was eat (oh good, just like the old Gemini then), and as a treat after her trauma (trauma? what trauma?) the folks gave us coley fish, yay! She said she's still feeling a little 'dopey' and that she'd need the best cushion on the best chair for the rest of the day, and do you know what, I'm going to let her have it too! Aren't I a generous George!? It's good to have the old girl back!

Sunday 27 June ~ by Gemini
Wisdom dispenser indeed. Ancient greek god indeed. George would be in for a right shock if he ever decided to come and live in the real world with the rest of us. But still, if he lived in the real world with the rest of us I suppose he wouldn't be the George that we know and love. If he's happy then I'm happy, and I think he feels the same about me, even if I do swipe him round the ear more often than he deserves. We both had quite a lovely day today, mainly lounging out on the patio and rolling in the muck (I enjoy rolling in dust and muck as much as George these days, although I enjoy it for the rolling and George enjoys it for the muck). This idyllic time lasted until just before 6 o'clock. I know this exactly because that's when we had our tea, and the bowls were cleared away straight after, and then the catflap was locked up. Oh dear, not a good sign. My starvation diet has started, which means tomorrow must be my dentist day. I'm not allowed any supper tonight. Oh dear, my poor neglected tummy. What about breakfast? Couldn't I just have breakfast instead?

Saturday 26 June ~ by George
I've been told I should add 'Wisdom Dispenser' to my already long but well-deserved title. Why? Well, a couple of fellow boy cats emailed me for advice on handling their new housemate, a female tabby. And seeing as I have lots of experience of living with a female tabby, I felt fully justified in giving them my honest words of guidance (sorry Gemini, you can't blame me for being honest!). Anyway, today whilst I was napping on my filing cabinet, one of the folks decided to bestow on me yet another, rather dignified sounding addition to my full name, which is probably from an ancient greek god or something: 'Georgius Cattus, Lazius Articlus' they called me, sounds very noble doesn't it? Being as it's a Saturday (an not just any old day) I thought I'd recap on my complete and unabridged title to date: "Professor Big Bad, Tough, Rugged, Enigmatic, Streetwise, Misunderstood, Inspirational Gorge (mucky) Cat, Special Agent Double-O one and a half (alias Hermiolios), Wisdom Dispenser, Defender of the Universe and Lazius Articlus". It's a good job I'm not a pedigree, some of them have really long names!

Friday 25 June ~ by Gemini
Oh, I do so love Wimbledon. I've never actually been there you understand, and I've certainly never played tennis (although I've slept through a good few matches). Anyway, the reason I love it is that it seems to be responsible for the annual 'strawberries and cream' phenomenon. Our folks are having to obtain their strawberries elsewhere, due to their almost total failure to grow their own (the ones that have grown so far, have been stolen by our local Bird Bandits who are far quicker off the mark than any humans we've ever met). But that's not the important bit of course, I'm only interested in the cream bit, and today we scored nicely on that front! Two bowls with a good covering of cream left in them are just perfect for two cats with very experienced cream-ready tongues. 'Advantage Gemini & George', I think you might say!

Thursday 24 June ~ by George
I was definitely wrong about us being in the parallel house the other day, it was just that several out of the ordinary things happened in a short space of time. I proved this fact by checking in the mirror, and sure enough, there was the parallel George looking at me from his own side, just like normal. I'm very glad to know that we're in the right house all things considered, well for a start you never know what sort of food is in a parallel cupboard do you? Anyway, I'm going to make my email girlfriend proud of me, when I say that I'm very glad we're sharing our food with Mr. Grumpy Stray Cat. He's not looking like he wants to move in or anything, but he is looking decidedly healthier these days, and that's a good thing. He actually let our human of the female variety within four feet of him today without running away! (she was completely thrilled for some reason). I thought I'd show my latest drinking place, which is less disgusting than the down-the-toilet place according to Gemini. Really? Oh, well then, I'll go back to the toilet next time!

Wednesday 23 June ~ by Gemini
I found something out today that I wished I hadn't found out. Apparenly I am to visit the 'dentist' next week. Now I'm no fool, and I know the 'dentist' is just our vet with a different hat on, and a tooth-scraper in his hand, but still, I am not looking forward to it. It's not the journey to the vet that worries me, I can cope with that (unlike George, who doesn't do cars), and I'm fine with our vet, he's always been very nice to me. What I am not looking forward to is the starvation diet I'll be put on the night before! Marmaduke up the road had several of his (ancient) teeth out last year, and he told me you have to starve for literally hours before, and that means all evening and all night without food! I'm only having a 'scrape and polish', you'd think I'd be allowed supper at least. It's all wrong if you ask me, I mean, if I was going to have teeth taken out, I'd want to eat as much as possible beforehand, in case I couldn't chew properly afterwards!

Tuesday 22 June ~ by George
Some very curious things seem to be happening since arriving home from Cat Colditz, and I'm wondering if maybe we've come back to the parallel house through the mirror by mistake, and that our house is going on as normal on the right side of it. I mean, the Yellow Alien Blob was odd enough, but after it was thrown over the fence into the 'little-person-human-kitten' things garden I looked over to check on it, only to find that a Pink Alien Blob had landed in there too! (No-one panic though, I'm on full red alert for any Green Blobs, they're the dangerous ones). Then, this morning we had not one, but two hitherto unknown and uninvited cats in our garden, youngsters they were, so maybe they just don't know better, (they'll know better if Gemini gets her paws on them, that's for sure!). And then there was the seagull, one of those ones with the ten foot wing span. It landed on our patio, inches from the catflap, right in front of my nose! Before we went away, we didn't have seagulls on the patio, or Blobs in the garden, or pairs of strange cats marauding over the place. Can I go back to the right house now please?

Monday 21 June ~ by Gemini
George might think he's the great Defender of the Universe, but who was it who actually got rid of the Yellow Alien Blob? Not George, that's for sure (he tried, but even his mouth wasn't big enough!). Our human of the female variety picked it up by it's squidgy yellow antlers and slung it over the fence into one of the nearby gardens where a couple of boistrous 'little-person-human-kitten' things live. Poor thing, I wouldn't wish that fate on my worst enemy, let alone harmless aliens! Anyway less, of that, more about our first full day home. It was absolute bliss, I can tell you. Strolling around checking out the gardens (ours and next door's, they still haven't got a cat), stretching out for a fuss on the landing, curling up for several long snoozes on the office sofa, and best of all... chicken for lunch! Real honest to goodness bits of proper chicken, not 'cat food' chicken, this was the real McCoy. I was even quite glad to see Mr. Grumpy Stray Cat, he's still around, still being fed and still keeping his distance. It was such a good day, I'd almost say it was worth going into the cattery to enjoy the homecoming. Almost, I said, almost. (Don't want the folks getting any ideas.)

Sunday 20 June ~ by George
Suffice to say, we were both very glad to see the old homestead after eight days in Cat Colditz. Not much appears to have change indoors, but the garden was quite another story. All our favourite weeds are now twice the size they were a week ago, the pond plants have gone berserk, and most worryingly of all, there's a Yellow Alien Blob on our path. We didn't have a Yellow Alien Blob before, it just seems to have moved in while our backs were turned. I approached it with caution, inspected it from all angles and finally declared it harmless. I expect the whole neighbourhood has been waiting for me to come and analyse it, they've no doubt been living in fear of their lives, or at least in fear of an invasion of Yellow Alien Blobs. I'd say this one was sent as an advance party, to check out our planet before the rest arrive, but now they know there's Big Bad George (Defender of the Universe) to contend with they won't come anywhere near! So when you go down your garden tomorrow and find no trace whatsoever of Yellow Alien Blobs, you'll know who to thank!

Saturday 12 June - Saturday 19 June (inclusive)
No diary entries due to there being no internet access in our cattery pen. Come on guys, this is the 21st century! What on earth do our folks think we can find to do for eight days in the cattery without a diary to write? Oh, it's comfy enough, and the food's not bad (still no coley fish on the menu though), but it's not like home. Good job it was only eight days, we were just getting our escape committee organised!

Friday 11 June ~ by George
10am - No sign of any Big Bags yet, I got fussed on the filing cabinet, Gemini's in the jumper cupboard, a normal Friday so far.
12 noon - Just back from a Jungle Adventure. Nearly caught a blackbird (will try harder next time). Still no Big Bags.
4pm - Hah! We knew it! The folk's Big Bags have come out of hibernation, but the catflap is still open for business, so Big Bad George is still at large (although not as Large as Gemini, heh heh heh!). No sign of a cat carrier, so it's 50/50 on the cattery front.
7pm - Still no cat carrier, and it's definitely too late for them to be going off anywhere today. Maybe it's all a big hoax, like Bigfoot or the Abdominal Snowman. I shall make the most of my freedom tonight, just in case I don't have it tomorrow. All I can say is, if we haven't managed to post a diary by this time tomorrow, you can bet it's because we're in 'Cat Colditz'!

Thursday 10 June ~ by George & Gemini
Something is afoot, and we've been puzzling over exactly what. Our suspicions were aroused when we saw the folks taking a heap of cat food and a box of our biscuits round to the folks next door. First of all, we thought maybe they'd gone and got a cat. But no, why would they do that, they can come round to feed and fuss us anytime they want. Then we thought perhaps they'd run out of food next door, and that cat-food sandwiches would be on the menu. Hmmm, pretty unlikely. A further clue came when we realised they'd also taken round a couple of the feeding bowls that they've been using to feed Grumpy Stray Cat... yes that was the big clue. So, the neighbours are going to be feeding Mr. GSC, but why? The only reason we could think of is that our folks aren't going to be around to feed him... which can only mean one thing. They must be planning to go off somewhere on one of their occasional 'AWOL' trips. No sign of their Big Bags yet though. The important question for us is... cattery or no cattery?

Wednesday 9 June ~ by Gemini
I'm still having the gloopy eye stuff twice a day, and I must say much that I don't like it, it's doing the trick. My eye is no longer runny, so I'm back to full beautifulness now. I'm still rather peeved about George's 'cats of my age' comment, I think I'm doing rather well for my age as it goes. I can still beat him at Rug Tug if I put my mind to it, and when we have a 'Three Squeaker' on the landing, it's always him that does the squeaking! This infernal heat continues to make us both very 'floppy', so we've been going from cool spot to cool spot all day. One of the coolest spots in the house is on our wide round-the-corner stair, so that's where we spent the evening. Not a good photo if you suffer with vertigo... this is an 'ariel' view of us in our cool spot. I was very restrained you know, just one good kick with my back legs and George would have gone flying over the edge. Tempting.. very tempting...

Tuesday 8 June ~ by George
'Phew what a scorcher!' as they say in the popular press. I have no idea what a press is, or indeed why it should be so popular, but they know a thing of two about weather apparently. Today was such a scorcher that I didn't do anything daring, or anything exciting, or anything remotely involving effort at all. It was definitely a day for 'flopping' about like a floppy thing. Our trustees came round this evening, and even they were flopping, almost as much as they were trustee-ing! Luckily there was one vacant chair in the meeting, so I bagged it and flopped there for the duration (I figured they'd wake me up if there was any important voting going on, but they didn't so there couldn't have been). Gemini was already flopped out on the landing and showed no sign of moving an inch, not even for a share of the cheesy snacks (yes it was that hot!). When everyone got up to go home, one of them kindly said, 'don't bother getting up to see us to the door, will you George'. Wasn't that nice? I thought so, so I didn't bother.

Monday 7 June ~ by Gemini
Well, I won the vet-bet I'm afraid. I was beginning to think I'd got away with it, as there was no sign of a cat carrier all morning, but the folks were just lulling me into a false sense of security. I was mid-nap on the sofa this afternooon, when I got whisked out of my slumbers into the carrier, and then whisked into a car and down to the vets, (it would have got better on it's own, really it would!). So, I had to put up with the usual prodding and probing from the vet, which included looking down my throat (it's my eye that's runny, what's my throat got to do with it?), and sticking a cold black plastic thing in my ear (don't you understand, it's my eye, you know those eyeball shaped things above my nose!). The result of this fiasco? One injection of goodness knows what, and I have to put up with having some gloopy stuff stuck in my eye twice a day. Oh, and that's not the half of it, oh no, not by a long way. Mr. know-it-all-and-charge-a-fortune Vet reckons I need my teeth scraping! George tried to make me feel better by saying that all cats my age start to need things like that. Cats of my age?? I wouldn't mind, but he's only one year younger!

Sunday 6 June ~ by Gemini
I've been keeping something quiet for a few days, but I'm afraid I've now been found out. It's my eye again, yes the same one I had all that trouble with last year. I've been keeping my head down, in the hope that no-one would notice, but today the folks spotted it, worse luck. it's just a bit 'weepy' that's all, nothing I can't cope with. If they'd just give me a few prawns twice a day, that's all the medicine I need! Anyway, they've started with the dabbing and the wiping and the fussing and the 'shall we take her to the vets' nonsense. I'm just hoping I can wish it away before tomorrow, otherwise, well, I know the drill. Me and George have a vet-bet on, I reckon they'll drag me down there tomorrow, George reckons they'll give me until Tuesday. Either way, they must have picked up on my thoughts, we did get some prawns. And did they make me feel better? You bet they did! My eye's still runny, but my belly's very, very healthy thank you!

Saturday 5 June ~ by George
I had a particularly good day today being 'George of the Jungle'. I've put being a Wild West Hero Cat on the back burner for now, mainly because some jungle needed seriously exploring today, and as far as I understand it there isn't any jungle in the Wild West, (I like to be authentic). The particular reason for 'jungling' today was that the folks had a mega weeding session this morning, which has opened up some hitherto unexplored tunnels under bushes and behind the Giant Weeds, (thankfully, they hadn't weeded out all the grown-up weeds). Because our folks are a bit rubbish at gardening, they often allow regular weeds to become Giant Weeds, thinking they might suddenly become flowers. This is a good thing in my book, I wouldn't like a nice neat garden with no weeds. This is a scientific fact known to all cats: Little weeds + rubbish gardeners = medium weeds, and medium weeds + hopelessly misguided gardeners = Jungle!!

Friday 4 June ~ by Gemini
Oh dear, I'm afraid I made a bit of a fool of myself last night, because Bill Oddie is on the telly again. I've now made a good mental note of this fact, so as not to embarrass myself again. Although, I don't feel it's exactly my fault, it's more my instincts fault, and I can't help those. It's the bird thing, you see. Birds Cheep and Chirp, then cats Locate and Destroy, that's how it works. Except when Bill Oddie's on the telly. When that happens, birds Cheep and Chirp, then cats Locate and Pounce at the TV screen! Bah! Tricked again! I should know better, what with him and David Attenborough, and to say nothing of Rolf Harris, they're all the same, no regard for unsuspecting cats in living rooms. I think they should broadcast a warning before programmes like that, something along the lines of: "The following programme contains graphic scenes of birdlife, which some cats may find disturbingly realistic!"

Thursday 3 June ~ by George
Its' very odd. Sometimes I just seen to know something, even if I didn't know that I knew it. I had one of those times today. We had a visit from two female variety humans, neither of whom I'd met before. Usually I'm Mr. Cautious with 'newies', and never allow fussing on a first meeting (I didn't even let Man in Socks fuss me first time, and now he's one of my best visiting fussers). Still, somehow I just knew they were cat-friendly even without thinking about it (this is good, thought conservation is good for the environment). They came up to me, I just sat there looking handsome (that's something else I have no control over), and let them fuss me, just like that! It's almost like I've got another George inside who knows more than I do! And, what if he has yet another George inside, who knows even more, eh? What then? I crashed out on the steps to contemplate the mysteries of being George.

Wednesday 2 June ~ by Gemini
An interesting fact finding mission for humans: how to tell if your cat is left or right pawed. I'd never really considered whether I was left or right pawed, but our folks believe that me and George are both right-pawed. How did they arrive at this startling and completely pointless conclusion? By watching how we emerge from the cat flap, that's how. In my opinion it was just an excuse to sit out on the sunlounger watching us come and go, and passing it off as a scientific experiment. I've heard some exuses for being lazy in my time, but this is a new one on me, but then I never feel the need of an excuse to be lazy, I just do it and hang the consequences. Anyway, apparently every time we go out the flap, we 'lead' with our right paws. And in fact, on close inspection, there is a clean 'polished' bit of door just under the right side of the flap where we put our 'leading' paw. So in fact, this might be one of those rare occasions where our folks might actually be right!

Tuesday 1 June ~ by George
I've been consulting with the Parallel George (the one who lives in the parallel house on the other side of the mirror), about whether Gemini is losing her marbles or not. She was trying to convince me that there was a parallel Gemini living there too, and that she sees her quite often when passing that mirror. Well, how come I've never seen a Parallel Gemini then? I look into the Parallel House far more often than she does, and all I've ever seen is a Parallel George, so I think maybe she's seeing things. Or rather, not seeing things, just thinking she is. I think it's amazing enough that we have a parallel cat in the first place, it's hardly very likely that we'd have two now, is it? She must thing I was born yesterday (which I wasn't). Or maybe she was just having a senior moment.

Monday 31 May ~ by Gemini
Today I ate something very nice, and found out something very surprising. The 'something nice' was getting to lick the cream bowl, and I do so luurve cream! The 'something surprising' was this: this evening, our human of the female variety went out with our old friend the 'Giggle Lady'. Nothing very surprising about that you might think, but wait for this, they said they were going to see Harry Potter! Now, I've always thought of myself as basically a smart cat with my 'paw on the pulse' as it were, and I could have sworn that Harry Potter was fictional. But they definitely said they were going to see him, and off they went. They were only gone a few hours too, so he must live quite near us, how surprising is that? I wonder if he knows he lives so close to two such famous cats? I'm not going to tell George about this, he'd only go into his old 'sorcerer milk' joke. I wonder if Harry knows any spells to stop cats telling annoying, un-funny jokes?

Sunday 30 May ~ by George
I started today in one of my 'can't-sit-still, don't-know-what-I-want, fuss me, no, don't fuss me, I want to go out, no, I want to come in' moods. I couldn't even decide if I wanted to carry on being a Wild West Hero Cat, or go back to being a Special Agent Cat like normal. I'm very nearly eight you see, so no doubt it's one of my mid-life crises (I intend having several). The only thing for it was to go off and 'find myself'. I couldn't find myself in the garden, so I decided to go over the fence instead (see photo), you never know what you'll find over there. In the event I found myself stalking through the undergrowth, snuffling under bushes and snacking on spiders. Luckily, I'd found myself just in time to get home before it started raining, and just in time for tea too. Phew, crisis over for another day!

Saturday 29 May ~ by Gemini
I worry about George sometimes, particularly when he's in one of his 'funny phases' like now. Maybe it's me being an old stick in the mud, but I just don't think 'Howdy Pardner' is a suitable greeting between civilised felines. He caught a sparrow yesterday using the traditional 'wait, watch and pounce' method, so I pointed out to him that if he really wants to be a Wild West Hero Cat, he should have lassoed it from the back of a horse. He admitted that was beyond his current skills, but reckoned that was only because he didn't know any horses (sigh). On a more heartening note, the folks have finally woken up to their Strawberries vs. Weeds error, and have chucked them in the compost bin. I'm just glad they twigged on before the neighbours noticed. They grow loads of stuff next door, and know their straight line from their curve if you get my drift!

Friday 28 May ~ by George
Howdy Pardners! I've been enjoying myself out on thr prairie today I can tell you. When I say prairie, I really mean patio, but it's the closest we've got. I had a great time stretching, wriggling and rolling in the muck on the patio steps, until I was covered all over with bits of dirt, dust and muck, fantastic! It all adds to my tough, rugged 'Puss Cassidy' image, like I was some Wild West Hero. I don't think there's ever been a cat hero of the Wild West has there? I thought I could be the first, even thought I don't actually live in the West, and I'm very rarely Wild. Instead of walking down to the pond this morning, I 'moseyed on over' to it instead. My 'Pardner' The Sundance Cat (that's Gemini) hasn't really got into the swing of this yet. She is refusing to 'mosey' anywhere, and will under no circumstances refer to the garden as 'The Old Corale'.

Thursday 27 May ~ by Gemini
Mr. Grumpy Stray Cat seems to be getting less afraid of everyone in the last few days. He still likes to keep a safe distance, but he doesn't turn and run away now, and he even stood his ground and let the folks take this photo of him. The folks are definitely planning something along the lines of a vet trip (if they can catch him), as he seems to have a bit of a dodgy eye. He does seem in better condition now than he was a couple of weeks ago, but then he's getting fed the same as us (apart from the coley and custard). We're getting used to having him about in a funny sort of way, so we're thinking of giving him a proper new name (seeing as he won't tell us what his name really is), and ideas? More importantly, does anyone recognise him? (Oh, Ramsgate in Kent by the way!)

Wednesday 26 May ~ by George
I can't see what Gemini's problem is with those bits of chicken yesterday. She tries to be a connoisseur, that's her trouble. She eats a lot (compared to me) but she eats it all slowly and deliberately, which gives far too much time to think about what you're eating. In my opinion food doesn't need to be thought about, it should just be eaten. Like this: stick head in bowl, open mouth, stuff it in, don't bother with chewing unless absolutely necessary, gulp-swallow, then on to the next bit. See? No time for contemplative thought whatsoever. OK I'll admit it doesn't always work, I do throw up more often than Gemini, but that's a chance I take. I'm reckless and fearless you see, being a Special Agent (double-O one-and-a-half). A strange thing happened today, our human of the female variety took the ironing board outside and did the ironing on the patio. Is that normal? I hope it is, otherwise sooner or later someone will report her and she'll get carted off by the men in white coats, and then who'll fuss me on the filing cabinet?

Tuesday 25 May ~ by Gemini
It's funny how sometimes a thing can be better at some times than at others, and yet still be the same thing. Custard is a prime example. I thoroughly enjoy licking custard straight from the pot, (which I'm not allowed to do, so I do it while no-one's looking), but if I was given a little bowl of custard especially for me, it wouldn't be nearly so enjoyable! Same thing with water. Every day we get fresh water put down in a bowl, and every day we ignore it (they only continue with this practise because they still believe in the 'fresh water should be available at all times' cat-care nonsense). The water in the dirty old bucket outside tastes much better, and if our folks had a brain cell between them they'd realise that out in our garden there's a whole pondful of the stuff! Anyway, today it happened with chicken. One of our folks doesn't eat chicken, but one does, and the one that does has always given us bits of the chicken out of their lunchtime rolls. Now, chicken from someone else's dinner is simply dee-licious. Today though, for the first time, they bought extra chicken, a portion of bits just for us. Yes it was nice and yes I ate it, but, oh I don't know, it's just not the same! What's that? Spoiled and ungrateful? Well I'm a cat, it's expected!!

Monday 24 May ~ by George
My email girlfriend will be pleased to know that I am beginning to accept the presence of Mr. Grumpy Stray Cat, and in fact he doesn't seem quite so grumpy these days. He only runs about five cat-lengths away if anyone approaches, instead of thirty, and he seems happy with his regular meals and his weatherproof box-house. The folks have some kind of plan to win his trust, but I suspect he's far too streetwise for any of that. Thinking of plans, about my road test of this World's Best Cat Litter, I reckon the folks have a cunning plan involving me and my poos! No, honestly, think about it: they got this stuff because it uses up less litter, and because they can flush it down the loo. Now the next logical step is to pursuade me to stand on the seat, and use their loo in the first place, and cut ot the bit in the litter house (which is my favourite bit). Well I'm sorry, if that's where this is heading, they can think again! I'll go back to doing it in the bath... oops, what I meant was, um, I'll go back to, er... look I've only done it in the bath on a very, very few occasions OK, I don't make a habit of it. I wouldn't want anyone thinking that I'm any stranger than I am, because I'm not.

Sunday 23 May ~ by Gemini
Ah yes, sunny Sundays like this are what cats like me are made for. Or maybe it's cats like me that sunny Sundays are made for, I'm not sure. Either way, I luxuriated out in the sun quite a lot today. I luxuriated by the pond in the morning, down in the long grass that the folks don't bother to cut. I luxuriated under the bench for a while too, until after coley time (smart cats get the coley fish, see Friday's Top Tip on indifference). Then when the sun went round to the front of the house, I followed it, and luxuriated under our front tree, which is where this little snapshot was taken. I'm normally incredibly modest, as anyone who knows me (and knows what's good for them) would say, but I have to say, on this occasion, I do rather live up to my unofficial title of 'Her Tabby Gorgeousness'!

Saturday 22 May ~ by George
Me and Gemini had a very, very close shave today. I don't mean we've had a grade one fur-cut or anything, I mean that we were milimetres away from disaster! My quick thinking, coupled with my legendary ability to shift into George-warp-speed-22 at a moments notice, saved the day, and our heads, and the cat flap. (Multi-cat households with two-way cat-flaps take note.) Gemini was out in the garden. I was indoors, looking out through the cat flap, trying to decide whether I should carry on looking out, or if I should be outside looking in instead. I'd just decided to go out and look in, when I heard the unmistakeable thunder of Gemini paws (and believe me, they do thunder!) rapidly approaching said cat flap (and believe me, she was approaching very rapidly!). My split second decision to reverse my original decision, and also to reverse myself away from the cat flap, was what saved us. 'CRRAAASHHH!' in came Gemini, leaving the cat flap swinging violently in her wake. What if I'd stayed where I was, eh? Double concussion, that's what! And the cat flap is still in one piece, incredibly. We know two cats (you know who you are!) who have broken three cat flaps this year, impressive eh? We must try harder!

Friday 21 May ~ by Gemini
Cats are smarter than dogs. A sweeping statement I know, but every dog I've seen so far has proved this to be true. It's not just the obvious things like being seen in public tied to a human by a rope, or going out in the rain instead of just watching it through the window. It's more their tendency to be so rediculously enthusiastic about everything, which is not a good philosophy, as I will explain. Our friend Big Van Man came round today, not in his van, but in a car instead, with two dogs inside. Luckily for them he was smart enough to leave them there, but our folks who often aren't smart at all, went out to fuss them, (yes yes, I know, I can't fathom it either). There they were, tails wagging, heads bobbing, mouths open, tongues lolling out like mad things, (and the dogs were just as bad, heh heh heh!). See? Just being patted is enough to turn a dog into an enthusiasm machine. Smart cats know that showing too much excitement can so easily make humans think that whatever it is they've done is good enough, whereas maintaining a little indifference can mean they try harder next time! This is why many dogs continue to be content with dog food every day, whilst smart cats often get treated to custard, prawns, coley and tiramisu. Case proven? I do believe so.

Thursday 20 May ~ by George
My games of Plop the Frog have taken on something of a family theme this year. (Plop the Frog, for the benefit of any cats who haven't discovered this most thrilling of summertime games, is where you carefully go round the edge of the pond, prodding the grass and the frogs in it, making them leap and 'Plop!' into the water). There now appears to be four generations of frogs living in and around our pond, and all of them have been joining in with my game, even the teensy weensy ones that were born this year. Of course the teensy ones don't make quite as good a 'Plop!' as their great-grandparents, but it's good to start them young, that's what I think. Our newts are still lurking, but I don't see them very often. Newts only show themselves briefly when they nip up to the surface, then they go back to lurking. I'm quite good at lurking too actually, but I prefer to do my lurking under bushes or behind settees. I can't prove this as a fact, but I have a theory that newts have little settees at the bottom of the pond that they lurk behind. What? It could happen!

Wednesday 19 May ~ by Gemini
Are there any other cats out there who's humans plant weeds in pots? I mean plant them, deliberately, with compost and everything? No? Thought not. Just ours then. I witnessed the whole sorry episode, and frankly couldn't believe my whiskers. Picture the scene: Last year they put strawberry plants in our weed borders (with limited success, apart from the one I chose to sleep on), this year they put potatoes in the same spot (success so far unknown). Our folks are easily confused, so when Mother Nature decided to make two different type of leafy stuff appear there, they assumed that the non-potato ones were strawberry plants, so they have potted them in anticipation of fruits to come. Now I'm no Alan Titchmarsh, but strawberries they are not! Hence, embarassingly, we now have a row of pots on the patio growing a healthy crop of weeds. The sad thing is the poor dears haven't yet realised their mistake. Mistake? What am I talking about, pure stupidity, that's what it is. Please don't tell our neighbours, I couldn't bear it!

Tuesday 18 May ~ by George
I sometimes think I can see the whole world from the top of our fence. Well maybe not the whole world, but the bits that are important to me anyhow, my bits of the world. In one direction I can see right down to Sooty Cat's garden and beyond, in the other direction I can see up past the 'vole holes' where Grumpy Stray Cat seems to come from, and to the side I can survey all our garden, including the pond and next door's pigeon tree. When you're a Defender of the Universe like me, you need to be able to see stuff like that, in case any of it needs defending. And when you're a Special Agent like I am, you need to be able to do surveillance. Sitting on the fence is a good place to do surveillance, particularly on the bits with the concrete posts. As you can see from this shot of me this morning, the concrete posts give you somewhere to rest your bum, which is vital in my line of work!

Monday 17 May ~ by Gemini
Seeing as the folks have been deprived of our presence this last couple of days (their fault not ours), I thought I'd wake them up this morning with a special 'close up' Gemini greeting. And when I say close up, I mean seriously close up! Our human of the female variety was still in bed, all sleepy and dopey (Walt disney has a lot to answer for) so I sneaked up on her, all quiet and stealthy, and gently but deliberately pushed my face right up into hers, so that our noses were virtually touching. I'd laid myself right across her arm, with my claws strategically dug into her shoulder, which is one of my more cunning tactics. Then I purred right into her face, one of my loudest purrs, the sort that resonates right through the pillow with the volume of a pneumatic drill. I'm certain she loves this morning greeting, she must do or she'd get up, wouldn't she? But she doesn't, well not straight away anyhow. She has to lever my claws out from her shoulder first. And you don't get that sort of service from an alarm clock, now do you?

Sunday 16 May ~ by George
So they're back, and did we miss them? Not a bit of it! The weather's been glorious here, and next door lady has been on fine form, with the fussing and feeding duties. They don't know what they've been missing, really they don't. And I'm not about to tell them either. If they think they can up sticks and leave home, expecting us to guard the place, and then fill them in on all the fun we've been having while they've been away, then they're sadly mistaken. No, we decided to play it cool and pretend that we hadn't even noticed their absence. I played it cool for at least three whole minutes too... then I'm afraid I forgot myself and let them fuss me until I purred like a soppy thing, and stuck my nose in a shoe. And, trust me, no matter how much you might want to, it's impossible to play anything cool when you have your nose in a shoe. I suppose I should be glad they found their way home, I don't think they do 'Lost & Found' registers for people, do they?

Friday 14 & Saturday 15 May ~ by George & Gemini
Well don't blame us for there being no diary for two days, blame our folks. They're the ones who sloped off for the weekend, leaving us to an uncertain fate, cold, hungry and unloved. (And if that doesn't make them feel guilty and feed us 'posh nosh' for a couple of days, nothing will!)

Thursday 13 May ~ by Gemini
I've found myself a new little hidey-hole, thanks to the new bed in the spare room. I didn't think it would be long before the folks shoved some of their 'stuff' under it, and as ever, I was right. Some spare pillows have found their way under there, and naturally enough I soon found my way behind them. A very cosy spot it is, just perfect for if I want to avoid George for a while (I have to avoid him occasionally to preserve what's left of my sanity), just room enough for me and the odd spider. Speaking of hidey-holes, the folks ave stepped up their attempts to befriend 'Grumpy Stray Cat', by making him a sort of snooze-box under the front bushes. It's all covered in plastic to keep it dry, with half an old duvet inside. It looks quite inviting actually, they should be careful, they might end up with more than one extra cat coming to stay! If I didn't have such a cushy life indoors, I'd snuggle up in there myself!

Wednesday 12 May ~ by George
OK then, here it is, the full and complete appraisal of this new litter ('The World's Best Cat Litter') I've been road testing. First thing I noticed was how different it smelled, not at all like my usual litter, but not unpleasant. Second, thing, funny colour, very sort of... yellow! Third, and most important, what's it like to poo into? Well, at it turns out, rather pleasant actually, and it's fine for scrabbling around in, digging in, piling up and burying in too. Now, this is the bit the folks like, they reckon it scoops out really easily, uses hardly any litter each time, and doesn't leave behind any smells. ('Smells? My poo? No, no I think they must have that bit wrong.') Anyway, here's the oddest bit of all, instead of bagging it up like they used to, they can flush it down the loo! (Don't try this with clay litter, apparently the plumbing bills will be huge!). Down the loo though, what an undignified end to my 'little masterpieces'! Still, if any other cats out there want to try it out too, the details of where to get it are on our Sponsored Links page! Happy Poo-ing!

Tuesday 11 May ~ by Gemini
Yesterday's energetic bird-stalking left me all floppy and lacking in energy today, so I took the opportunity to re-charge my batteries. I recharged them on the bed for most of the morning, and then on the office sofa for the best part of the afternoon. The recharging process was further aided by some bits of seafood stick, that's always good for cat batteries. I just about gathered together enough energy to greet Man in Socks when he came round later. Just as well I did too, he'd brought a car round for me to have a look at. I know all about cars: back seats, front seats, boot. See? I know all the important bits. While they were loading stuff into his car I checked the back and front seats for him, which in my professional opinion all seemed fine. Once the folks were satisfied with the results of the Gemini car-check, off they went with him to who knows where, so off I went to continue recharging. The photo? Oh, that's Puss Cassidy and the Sundance Cat surveying the back prairie!

Monday 10 May ~ by Gemini & George
Oh yes, what a team we are! The tactics, the graceful movements, the speed, the perfectly co-ordinated game plan, we had it all today! It's not often we go stalking or chasing birds as a team, that's something that we usually do on our own, but today we were just perfectly positioned for a two-pronged attack. Gemini (agent 1), positioned under the Big Bush at the bottom of the garden, checks her watch: Ten seconds and counting. George (agent 2), positioned under the bench on the patio synchronises with Gemini: Nine seconds, eight, seven, six... The starlings in the middle of the lawn don't have watches, and can't count anyway. Three seconds, two, one... And they're off! G & G make a simultaneous dash for the startled starlings... and pounce! No, we didn't catch one, but it was great fun trying. We were like Torville and Dean, no, more like Bonnie and Clyde, no, we were more like... Puss Cassidy and the Sundance Cat!

Sunday 9 May ~ by George
I have been truly told off today, and I think I deserved it too. My email girlfriend has pointed out that I should be nicer to Mr. Grumpy Stray Cat, and not to forget where I came from. Well, thinking of it like that, she's right of course. Me, Gemini and my email girlfriend all got where we are today thanks to a rescue centre, and goodness knows where we'd be now without them. Actually, I wouldn't be alive at all, so I feel awful now saying that I wouldn't want him to move in with us. I'm going to make an effort to be understanding, and to stop looking horrified every time the folks go to feed him. The truth is, they don't know for sure that he is a stray, but he does look.. um, well.. with all due respect, a little, shall we say, dishevelled. They're hoping to gain his trust enough to put a collar on him, with a 'phone us' mesage on, but they haven't managed to get that close yet. I tell you, if he had any idea what sort of life we have here, he'd be sticking his neck out for that collar without a second thought! My email girlfriend also thinks I'm getting a bit porky, but I can't go along with that, I've just been caught at an unfortunate angle in a few photos that's all! (Amazingly, Gemini seems to get caught at unfortunate angles in every photo!)

Saturday 8 May ~ by Gemini
Before George is around to do today's diary, I thought I'd jump in and say it first. Yes, I did get shut in the jumper cupboard, but no, it wasn't my fault. Our human of the female variety closed the door on me without checking inside (some feeble excuse about not having her glasses on). Don't get me wrong, I like it in the jumper cupboard, but I don't want to live there! Anyhow, when I finally got released, I went outside only to find a feline interloper sitting bold as brass by the pond. It's incredible isn't it, I get locked in a cupboard for a brief spell, and as soon as my back's turned, we get invaded! I went marching out to assert my ownership of said pond, but she didn't budge. No aggression, no backing off, she just sat there with an 'oh hello, who are you?' look. Well, I can't attack in those circumstances now, can I? Anyway, she was a Top Tabby like me, so I just went and joined her. Maybe George is right, he reckons I'm going soft in my old age.

Friday 7 May ~ by Gemini
We had a visit from our old mate 'Man in Socks' today. A good sniff of his famous socks told me that he still has the same cat at home, so I rubbed some of my smell on them so that he could take it back with him. It's a way of exchanging greetings between cats without actually meeting each other. We call it 'Smell Mail', it's a little like having a pen-pal only without needing a pen. Anyway, Man in Socks brought us a present, a very thoughtful one too. One which shows his true understanding of the nature of the feline status. I wouldn't normally be impressed by any present that can't be eaten or played with, but I'll make an exception for this little treasure! It's a sign (see photo). In fact no, it's not just a sign, it's a life motto! One that we live by every day, and so, I might add, do our 'Staff'!

Thursday 6 May ~ by George
Today my Bum took part in that consumer test I mentioned, the 'new litter' test, and I must say it was a total success! It was nothing like I've ever poo'd in before. I was a bit wary at first due to the unusual smell (it's made of corn bits apparently), but the proof of the litter is in the using, so I did, and what a pleasant experience that turned out to be! The folks were even more impressed with it than my Bum was (and that's saying something), they reckoned it's the best one ever for easy scooping, it uses hardly any litter, and leaves the rest all clean. This is very good news for me, I won't be getting that stuff that makes my paws go all orange again! Luckily, there's still one thing about this litter that's the same as all the others - I can still get plenty of the bits stuck in my paws to trail over the floor afterwards!
(I'm not allowed to say what it's called just yet, watch this space...!)

Wednesday 5 May ~ by George
George: "I can say it now, can't I? I don't have to contain myself any longer, do I?"
Gemini: "Go ahead George, you've contained yourself long enough!"
George: "Yay! OK then, here's the thing...
Bagpuss is our new patron! Yes, your actual saggy old cloth cat, Chairman Bagpuss, has just become a Patron of Cat Chat! How cool is that, eh? His human-friend Oliver Postgate had a word with the great mog himself, (who was a bit grumpy at first we're told), but he perked up when he found out about becoming a Patron. Apparently, he's never been one before and he rather liked the idea of helping cats in care (and if the truth be told, he's sure it will add to his glory, and he's probably right). He even signed his acceptance, that's his mark, above. So, now we have one human patron and one feline, a good balance I think!

Tuesday 4 May ~ by Gemini
Seeing as the folks still haven't built a conservatory for me (despite me asking weeks ago!), I have to take indoor sun when and where I can find it. Today I found it on the plastic draining board thingy. Usually there are cups and bowls and stuff cluttering up this drainer, but lucky for me, today it was mine, all mine. I look far more elegant laying there, than any boring old crockery too, don't you think? Every draining board should have one! Oh, and if any eagle eyed Frank Sidebottom fan is wondering, yes, that is a Timperley Bigshorts mug on the windowsill behind me. Ane if that doesn't mean a thing to you, it's probably just as well!

Monday 3 May ~ by George
Of Bums and Bank Holidays: I think our folks take advantage of any old excuse to skive off working. Today, I found out, was a 'Bank Holiday'. Now forgive me if I appear to be stating the obvious here, but shouldn't that mean it's a holiday for banks? Our folks certainly aren't a bank (although one of them used to work in one apparently), but cheekily, they still took the holiday! Anyway, more importantly, I found out the other day that my Bum is shortly to take a consumer test. In fact my Bum has been chosen (chosen from thousands I expect!) to test out a different kind of cat litter. Gemini can't tell me off about mentioning my toileting habits this time. This time it's going to be very important that I do talk about them, and I have to make sure my Bum gives an honest opinion! Watch this space...

Sunday 2 May ~ by Gemini
I re-discovered another of my favourite summertime things today - strawberries and cream. Well the cream anyway, you can keep the strawberries! Humans have this strange thing about wanting to spoil a good dollop of cream by adding fruit to it. Still, that's up to them, I'm just glad they save us some of the cream 'sans fruit'. They're still feeding Grumpy Stray Cat, but I notice they didn't save him any cream! I think even they, with their simple human brains, realised that would be a step too far in our books. We've got used to them giving him some of our usual meat and biscuits, but we would object heartily if they started putting out coley or cream! Our other summertime news is that the newts are back in the pond. Actually, I don't know if they ever left, but they only show themselves in the summer, and then only briefly. They zip up to the surface, gobble up whatever it is they eat, and zip back down again, quick as a flash. Blink and you miss em!

Saturday 1 May ~ by George
George: "Am I allowed to say anything yet about you-know-who?"
Gemini: "Nope"
George: "Is that it? Just 'Nope'?"
Gemini: "Yup"
George: "OK then, todays Diary: We mostly sat on the patio steps contemplating the Universe"
Gemini: "Is that it?"
George: "Yup!"

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