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Monday 28th January - by Pickford (the Brave)
Now if you'd said to me a couple of years ago that one day I'd be sittin' in the vets havin' me belly tickled, I'd've said you were several biscuits short of a bowlful. 'Specially if you'd said I'd be layin' on me back on the vets lap, with me legs in the air at the time, then I definitely wouldn't have believed you! Dunno how I let it happen today to be honest, one minute I was stood on the table with our human of the female variety on one side, and the vet (my favourite one) on the other, and the next minute there I was, belly-up on the vets lap! She loves me, she does. Reckon that's why I let her get away with it, I wouldn't let just any old vet tickle me belly, would I? She wanted to prod the weeny lump there too, well it's still there, it's not got any bigger or nuthin' but she still didn't like it being there. She said little lumps like that don't belong on cats' bellies, so she's taking it off - next week I think. Tell you what though, she likes a bit of a laugh - get this - she said I'd have to wear one of those big cone-collar things on me head after - yeah, right... Pickford the Brave... wearin' one of them things? That's likely - not! And... she said I'd have to stay indoors for a few days after too. Indoors? Me? She might be my favourite vet, and I might let her tickle me tummy and all that, but as for cone-collars and staying indoors, well I just can't can I? I've got me image to consider!
Friday 25th January - by Gemini
I thought I was seeing things today. Well I was, but you know what I mean. I thought I was seeing the last of our kitchen chairs being carted off in a van... well I was, and they were. We've had four kitchen chairs for as long as I can remember (even though one's normally in the Colonel's room), and then all of a sudden last week, two of them got taken away in a van. I thought it was odd, but didn't worry too much, after all we still had two left, but then today, with no warning, ceremony or explanation, off went the other two! I felt I should say something, but I was torn between 'Oi, they're our last chairs - bring them back!" and "Excuse me, haven't you forgotten the table?". In the event I just stood in the hall and watched them go. Things all became clear later this afternoon when last week's lost chairs arrived back home - wearing new seats! Oh they're still our chairs alright, but the seats are all wrong. They're now brown, and padded and smooth, and not like they should be! They used to be made of this straw stuff, all criss-crossed to make the seats, just perfect for sharpening claws on. I've sharpened my claws on those seats for, oh I don't know - ten years, maybe eleven. My dear old mate George loved scratching them too, and since Beau's lived here they've taken even more of a pounding. Between us, we'd got them just about perfect - nice and tatty, bits falling out here and there, you know. Really lived-in and lovely they were - and now it looks like we'll have to start all over again... from scratch, in fact!
Wednesday 23rd January - by Colonel Beau
...eh? ...what's that you say? Diary entry? Oh right, yes, diary entry! I'd quite forgotten about that what with young Private Pickford having rather commandeered the old journal of late with his jolly lumps and bumps. I shan't be able to compete with all his goings-on of course, and I consider myself lucky in that respect, in fact, come to think of it... I haven't been to the bally vets all year! I'd even go as far as to say that despite being the oldest cat in the regiment, and despite having had a broken jaw, and despite my Dodgy Kidneys, I'm a jolly sight livelier than either of those two young tabby types! For a start, who was the first to discover the new consignment of Wiggly Wagglers for the shop that turned up today, eh? Oh yes, Yours Truly's highly trained nose homed in on those little blighters as soon as they were within the perimeter fencing - I smelled 'em even through a double layer of plastic postal bags and several yards of packing tape! I'd have broken clear through to the contents too, given a little strategic planning time, unfortunately the human troops locked them in a cupboard. Even a multi-skilled Colonel like me, with years of experience in (and out of) the field, can't compete with locked cupboards. Still, I showed 'em tonight - I, Colonel Beau (retired), managed to destroy, single-pawedly, attachment number two of 'Da Bird'. I hear there is a third one waiting in the wings for tonight's combat session. Using what I understand to be the common vernacular amongst the rank and file, "have it brought on!" err, no, that's not it, umm... oh yes - "bring it on!" that's the one - bring it on chaps! Tally ho!
Monday 21st Jan (afternoon) and Tuesday 22nd Jan (morning) - by Pickford (again)
Monday Afternoon: She's back! She's back! My favourite vet is back! Nuthin' against the others, not really, just that... well, my favourite vet... she loves me, she does. So she had a good old look at me x-rays and me half-right arthritis, and a good feel of me lumps, and she even watched the film on the camera where I'm limping (she watched it twice too). So... as far as I gather it, the lump on me leg is goo from me joint, but that'll go down after a bit, so they're not bothered too much about that now (well I wasn't bothered all along, but no-one asked me). Me half-right arthritis, well that'll be there forever now, so I'm gettin' special stuff in me food for that, so that it doesn't hurt too much, and I'm not to go jumping off high places she said - yeah right, as if I would! And - get this - she stuck me on the scales, said I'd put on more weight since last time and told the folks not to let me get any fatter! I'm not fat though... am I? Reckon I've got a 'good-living' belly that's all. I love my belly, I do. I went for years not havin' a proper fine, round, cuddly, wobbly belly, and now I've got one I want to keep it thanks very much! She had a good poke at me belly too as it goes, poking at me new lump, the weeny one. Said she didn't like lumps on cats bellies and reckons she might have to take it off. She's good at taking lumps off, she is, she took my nasty lump off (the one on my other leg) last year, and that's great now - I've got a great leg and she got the lump - reckon I did best out of that deal. So she can have the one off me belly too if she wants, I'm not usin' it.
Tuesday Morning: This is me trottin' back from the pond this mornin'. Oh yeah - I can do trottin', even with me half-right arthritis!
Saturday 19th January - by Pickford
I dunno, all the diaries lately seem to be about me, my leg and my lumps! I reckoned Gemini and the Colonel would be gettin' a bit upset by now, you know, with 
nuthin' much about them, but they're not, I asked 'em. Colonel Beau (Sir) said my lumps were "jolly important" and that I should keep talking about 'em until they get sorted, and he also said it was better than diaries about his occasional Out Tray problems and his dodgy kidneys. Gemini said it was fine to hog the diaries for a bit too, she says she's quite happy hogging the bed under the radiator instead, and she reckoned that doesn't make much of a diary anyway. Yeah, well, maybe they're right, so... errr... crumbs, it's hard to know where to start... so, I've got me lump back already, that's the first thing, but it doesn't hurt. I'm still limping, well that hurts a bit, but I'm not complaining, I just don't go jumping off high places like Colonel Beau (Sir) does. I only go as high as floor-to-lap and lap-to-floor, and in any case I'm Pickford, and Pickfords don't do complaining. 'Ere - guess what - the folks made a film of me today - on the camera - a film of me limping, so they can show the vet! How mad is that? He's a vet, he'll have seen cats limping loads of times! (I sometimes think it's the folks who need their bumps felt, not me, if you know what I mean). I s'pose the only new news is my new lump. One of the folks discovered it the other day, when I was gettin' fussed (my morning fuss, the special one, the one before breakfast, the one that means "Mornin' Pickford, we love you, we do, fuss fuss fuss"), and I got fussed round me head, fussed round me ears, fussed down me back and a little massage on me shoulders, and then a fuss under me chin, round me sides and under me belly... and that's where they found it, me new lump. It's only weeny, so I'm not going to worry about it. I'll let the folks do that, Pickfords don't do worrying. Pickfords do better things, like play with catnip sacks, sit on laps, get fussed, eat loads, sit by the pond, get fussed some more, and do Stair Duty with the Colonel, and I did all those things today - oh yeah, look - there we are! I'm still not quite sure exactly why we're meant to guard the stairs, but he's the Colonel, and he knows best, he said so.
Tuesday 15th January - by Pickford and Gemini
Pickford: Well that's it, I did it - I had me X-ray, and just like Colonel Beau (Sir) said, I had me post-thingummy coley fish too. Now, the X-ray was weird, 'cos I don't remember it happening, but I saw the pictures after, and so did the folks when they came to get me. D'you know what the inside of a leg looks like? Well, it's black and white for a start, and all it is is bones - just bones! So I could see my knee on the pictures right, and it's really knobbly - well that's my problem I think, knobbly knees. Reckon that's why I'm hopping a bit, all 'cos of me knobbly knees. I dunno if that's the whole story though, 'cos the vet said the X-ray was only half right...
Gemini: Errr... excuse me butting in here Pickford, but did you say the X-ray was only half right? How can it be only half right?
Pickford: Well I dunno do I - all's I know is the folks were there, and they were asking about the knobbly bits on my knee in the pictures, and the vet pointed to the biggest knobbly bit and he said it was half right. I think that's what he said anyway.
Gemini: He said it was half right? That doesn't make sense. Half right... half right... oh, hold on, did it sound a bit like half right... us, by any chance?
Pickford: Yeah! That's it - that's exactly what he said - see I told you!
Gemini: Oh Pickford, you know what, it all makes sense now - all your limping about - you've got arthritis! That's a Senior Kittizens thing, that is... listen, I don't mean to be nosey but... exactly how old do you reckon you are?
Pickford: No idea to be honest, I lost count years ago! (you don't have birthdays when you're a stray) only when I came to live here the vet said I might be eight or I might be twelve, or anything in between so you know... I went for eight, well you would, wouldn't you? So by now I s'pose I could be... ummm, nope, sorry, I can't count that high, not enough toes!
Monday 14th January - by Gemini & Colonel Beau
9.00 am
Gemini: You know I thought for a minute there Pickford was going to get out of going to the vets! I did enjoy watching the folks crawling under the table too.
Beau: I know, spiffing entertainment! He gave them a run for their money this time and no mistake! Still, nothing to do now except wait, eh old girl?
Gemini: Well I don't know about you Beau, but I'm going back to bed for the day. I shall know when Pickford's on his way home - I'll smell the coley fish!
3.00 pm
Beau: Come on old girl, wakey wakey! Poor old Private Pickford's been off at the bally vets all day, not even a good breakfast inside him, having x-rays and needles and goodness only knows what other indignities, and there you are snoozing the day away, when I have news!
Gemini: Oh good - come on then... where is he..? What's the news..? When's he coming home..?
Beau: The news is that the folks are to go and collect the old lad later on. Current E.T.A. is seventeen hundred hours... that's five o'clock to you, old thing.
Gemini: Right, OK... no news on the x-ray yet then?
Beau: Afraid not old bean, I gather the folks'll get all the 'inside information' later, or rather the, umm... inside-of-his-leg information, in fact!
Gemini: (Yaaaaaaaaawn), Fair enough I suppose, still, five o'clock, that's good, he'll be home in time for tea. I hope he brings his x-ray home for us all to have a look at, I've never seen the inside of a leg before. Could you wake me up at a quarter to? Oh sorry, I mean, errr... sixteen hundred hours and three-quarters... is that right?
5.30 pm
Pickford: Wotcher, I'm back! Right then... where's me post-whatever-it-is coley fish then?
Gemini: Welcome home Pickford! The fish - well, the folks have hidden it - they've been waiting for you I think... oh... look... here it comes!
Pickford: Brilliant! I like coley fish, I do, (sticks head in bowl of coley) Blimey I'm starving... can I have seconds? I can - oh good! (sticks head back in second bowl of coley).
Beau: Good to have you home laddie - and about time too, I'm ravenous... (sticks head in bowl of coley).
Gemini: Glad to see my boys have their priorities right for once... (sticks head in bowl of coley).
Thursday 10th January - by Pickford and Colonel Beau
Pickford: 'Ere Beau... I mean, Colonel... Sir... have you ever heard of Hop-along-Cassidy?
Beau: Hmmm, no, can't say as I have old boy. It wouldn't be that cheeky whipper-snapper of a kitten who keeps following you back here at lunchtimes would it?
Pickford: Nah, I dunno what his name is, he never says. It's just that Gemini's been calling me Hop-along-Cassidy all week - I think she thinks it's funny.
Beau: Ah yes, I see old chap, I see! I do believe it is a mildly amusing reference to your, ummm, latest style of walking, yes that's what I think. Afraid I can't shed any light on the 'Cassidy' reference, but well, you must admit you have been rather hopping-along these last few days, wouldn't you say?
Pickford: I, errr, well... yeah, I s'pose. A bit. It's nuthin' though, it don't bother me, hopping. I dunno what all the fuss is about. So what if I do hop a bit?
Beau: Spoken like a real old trooper, "So what" indeed! I admire your spirit laddie! Mind you, the human members of the regiment won't see it like that, you know. They won't have you hopping round the place without a bally good reason, mark my words!
Pickford: Yeah... yeah, I know, you're right there. 'Ere Beau... Sir... have you ever had an X-Ray?
Beau: ...eh? X-Ray you say? Well now, let me think... I'm sure I, ummm... yes! Yes of course I have - back in the old days when I had my broken jaw! Oh yes, I've had a broken jaw you know, have I ever told you about that? No, I probably haven't, don't like to go on about it you know. Why do you ask?
Pickford: Well I've got to have an X-Ray on Monday. I never had one before. It's that lump, see, the one on me leg that had the goo inside, the one they took all the goo out of last week - well it's come back already - look! (Pickford shows Beau his lumpy leg)
Beau: I say, so it has, how curious! Oh well, another day down the jolly old vets for you then old boy. Never mind laddie, you know the drill - stiff upper lip and all that. Keep your tail up, your head down, and your mind on the post-operative coley fish!
Tuesday 8th January - by Gemini
I know I shouldn't really think this, but I can't help it, I do rather enjoy it when one of the folks isn't well. Oh, well... no, err... I don't mean it quite how that sounded, it's not that I want them to be ill, just that I enjoy helping them get better, does that make sense? I particularly like it when our human of the female variety is ill - and she's had a smashing cold the last couple of days - sneezing, coughing and all that tissues-and-cup-a-soup stuff, because she knows how I like my patients! Ideally, patients of Nurse Gemini should be reasonably horizontal, on the sofa, encased in a sleeping bag, with all the necessary items within arms reach so as to negate any need to move from said horizontal, sleeping bag & sofa position. She really isn't ill quite as often as I'd like (oh you know what I mean!), but when she is, she does it wonderfully, and I'm only too pleased to offer the full range of my professional nursing services. For a start, I think I'm correct in saying that in a human-sleeping-bag-sofa situation, I have always been on the case (and on the sleeping bag) within the first five minutes of it's occupation. I also know the precise purr-frequency required to assist the patient in any given circumstance, and the exact number of drops of Healing Dribble to administer to their neck / chest / face (delete as applicable). Quite how cat-less people get on when they're not well is beyond me... in fact if anyone reading this hasn't got a cat, I'd strongly advise rescuing one as soon as possible - don't wait until you're ill!
Saturday 5th January - by Pickford (the Brave)
Crumbs, that's better - I feel like proper Pickford again today! Yesterday was right strange I tell you, mind you, I should've seen it coming I s'pose. The folks've been prodding the lump on me leg for a while now (the second lump on the second leg, not the first lump on the first leg, that went ages ago), and the vet's prodded it a couple of times too (and stuck a needle in it and found it had goo inside). It was s'posed to go away on it's own see, that's what they reckoned, only it didn't, so yesterday the vets made it go away instead. I dunno how they did it really, I mean, you'd think I'd notice, but they done it while I was asleep, which is really strange, 'cos I don't even remember going to sleep. I remember waking up though, 'cos I felt all weird and wibbly. So anyhow, they took my lump away, and they took a load of fur off me leg too (can I have that photo in, you know the one where me fur's gone - yeah, that's the one) - look, see! It's good though, 'cos I didn't get stitches like last time, or a silly blue bandage thing, and my leg doesn't hurt any more neither. It wasn't hurting loads, not like last time, but it did hurt a bit ('specially when people were prodding it), but now it doesn't hurt at all, so I can jump off the table again if I want (so I did, like you would). So today right, I'm not wibbly any more, and we got special for dinner, and I got fresh catnip in me catnip sack, and I've had a good wrestle with me Wiggly Waggler (I won), and I've had mega-loads of fuss too, so it's all good today. Well... all except when Gemini tried to give me a wash again this morning... errr... nope, sorry... no offence or nuthin' but nope... too close... can't do that... I'm off..! Now I dunno, if it's just me, but going to the vets to have me lumps off ain't half as scary as Gemini trying to give me a wash! |
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Friday 4th January 2008 - by Gemini & Colonel Beau, and eventually... Pickford (the Brave)
9.00 a.m.
Gemini: Are you going to sit on that windowsill all day? I mean, all day until Pickford comes back?
Beau: I thought I might do old girl, yes. I'm missing a crucial member of my regiment you see, I shall need to know the minute he arrives back at base - and this jolly windowsill is the best place to do that. I can see right up the road from here you know - and beyond!
Gemini: He'll be there for hours though Beau. You do know they're sorting out that lump of his don't you? He won't be back this side of lunchtime, and you wouldn't miss lunch, surely?
Beau: ...Lunch? Oh, well umm... hrrrmph! No, I err, I suppose I shouldn't miss lunch. Give me a shout when it's that time would you, old bean?
Gemini: I'll think about it. (thinks) OK, here's an offer - I'll tip you off when lunch is ready, if you let me know as soon as you see Pickford coming home - deal?
Beau: Absolutely old fruit! Yes, that's a deal, splendid idea! I'll sound the alert the instant I spot him... that is... unless I'm asleep.
12.00 noon
Beau: I say old girl, no-one's telephoned from the jolly old vets yet, do you suppose the old lad's doing alright?
Gemini: Of course Beau, he'll be fine. No news is good news, you know that. Anyway, he's Pickford the Brave, isn't he?
2.30 p.m.
Beau: Right then troops, listen up! I have a Private Pickford update! Troops... troops... come on, where are you..?
Gemini: Oi, no need to shout! Anway, I'm the only 'Troop' you've got at the moment. So come on then - what's the news? Is he coming home yet?
Beau: Yes, yes, all tickety boo! Lump drained of it's contents. Private Pickford recovering. Should be home in about an hour. Spiffing news, eh what?
Gemini: Oh yes, that's excellent news! I bet that means we can have that coley fish the folks cooked up earlier! Errr... not that I've been thinking about that, of course. No, I mean, I've been worrying about Pickford, I hardly even noticed the smell of that fresh, succulent, delicious coley wafting around the kitchen... not at all... umm... what time did you say he'd be home?
4.00 p.m.
Beau: Welcome home laddie! How'd you get on then eh? Oh, I see... nicely shaved, eh what? Never mind old chap, it'll grow back. Now listen... we're getting coley fish!
Gemini: Good to see you Pickford, glad it went OK. Now I know you don't like to hang around with this sort of thing, so... Beau's right... we're getting coley fish!
Pickford: Right, yeah, that's good. Listen I feel a bit wibbly, you know. I'm not quite sure if I can... ooops, nope, I can't. Floor's a bit slippy when you're wibbly. I'll just sit on the mat for a bit. Yeah, I can do that. Mats are nice and flat. I'll tell you about it tomorrow. I won't be wibbly then. I dunno about 'aving coley when I'm all wibbly... let's give it a go. Not far from me mat to me bowl, here goes... Yeah! I can! I should've known, coley's good anytime, (can't refuse coley, that'd be criminal, that would). Crumbs, that's worn me out, I think I'll have another a little lie down, get an early night, yeah, that's what I'll do. Nighty night!
Tuesday 1st January 2008 (Happy New Year!) - by Colonel Beau
I say, is it that jolly old time already? Who'd have thought it, only yesterday it was last year and now here we are marching forth into a new era! I feel sure this will be the year I finally 
write my long-awaited memoirs. I've been meaning to get cracking on those for some time, but what with a regiment to command, perimeters to patrol, naps to be napped (scheduled and un-scheduled), and a rather impressive array of catnip-combat-targets for Christmas, well... so much for retirement eh! It's nearly three years since I 'retired' and took command here you know, oh yes, hard to believe isn't it? Hard to believe how they got on without me! They were a complete shower when I joined of course, especially the human troops. I don't think they'd ever seen 5 o'clock in the morning before, let alone done anything useful with it, like serve up early-morning rations or turn the bath-tap on for a senior officer, still I soon knocked them into shape and showed them what was what, eh what? Of course my job's been a tad easier since young Private Pickford joined the ranks, he's a very useful chap to have around and no mistake. He's a dab hand at getting doors opened (both in and out), and a bally good companion on evening patrol round the base too. I shan't worry the lad just yet, but I feel sure he'll have the honour of the first vet visit of this year - that bally lump of his seems to be giving the lad a bit of jip the last couple of days. He'll get the better of the little blighter though, mark my words, a tough old soldier is our Pickers! So, here it is then, like it or not, a new year is upon us, and on behalf of the whole regiment here at Cat Chat, may I wish everyone a jolly spiffing one!
Thursday 27th December - by Pickford (His Royal Headbutt-ness)
'Ere, I never knew you could have two Christmasses! We only had one last year, and the year before that too. I dunno about any years before that though, 'cos I was still a stray back then and you don't get Christmasses when you're a stray, let alone two of 'em. Anyway today, right, the folks went and got all this post from... errr, well... wherever it is post comes from (the postman's house I s'pose), anyway there were all these cards and stuff - and more toys for us cats! (thank you - you know who you are!). Not just any old toys neither - ones with catnip in, and I love catnip, I do. Colonel Beau (Sir) was going a bit mental with one that looked like a Christmas pudding (he said that was the executive toy), but I don't care what they look like long as they've got catnip in. S'pose it's the same as with cats really, I mean, it don't matter what sort of fur they've got on the outside, long as there's a cat on the inside, that's what matters, innit? Anyhow, so we had a second Christmas today, that ain't bad, is it? Mind you, I had a bit of trouble with some of the treats - the fish-shaped ones - well, I couldn't get 'em to go in me mouth! They went in alright last year, but I still had most of me teeth then. Now I've only got one left, it makes getting treats in me mouth a bit tricky. I can sort of suck 'em up but they just fall out again, 'cos there's no teeth in the way. I got 'em in in the end though, with a bit of help, see I can do taking-treats-from-fingers these days, just like Gemini does! ... Ere, what's that they've put up by my name... His Royal Headbutt-ness... is that me then? Blimey! Better not tell the Colonel, he might think I'm after his executive Christmas pudding!
Christmas Day 2007 - by Gemini
I must say that was one of the fishiest Christmas days I've even known! Not curious fishy, just fishy fishy. From the fish-shaped treats and the new blue fish-thing-on-a-string toy to the double helping of the most delicious fish that ended up in our bellies. You can't beat a good bit of freshly cooked fish for Christmas dinner, succulent, juicy, melt-in-your-mouth, and just as 
important - lots of it. Plenty in fact, for a second helping at tea-time (I could get used to that). But... as for the fish-thing-on-a-string thing, well, I think it's meant to be a fishy version of 'Da Bird' toy but in my opinion the manufacturers should have done a little more research (consulted a cat, perhaps?). For a start, fish don't fly (well not round our way they don't at least) or hang about on strings, and also in my experience they aren't blue and fluffy either. I really should have ignored it on the basis of it's total lack of realism, but you know... when it's a present... and when your human is trying their best on the other end of the string, and what with it being Christmas and everything, well... you have to show willing, don't you? So I played with the fishy-thing, Beau fell asleep on the office chair and dreamed of a third helping of fish, Pickford found some bubble-wrap, and we had a lovely day, but I do think the folks were just a tad optimistic thinking that what with all the treats and toys, and wrapping paper and boxes (still my favourite bit - you never grow out of wrapping paper and boxes do you?), that they might interest us all enough to get us together for a Group Photo. A Group Photo? What..? As in... me, Beau and Pickford? All three of us together in one photo... side by side... purring for the camera... united in a spirit of festive friendliness? Oh come on, be fair, I played with the blue fish didn't I? There's only so much Christmas spirit one can muster in a day, surely?
Footnote from the folks: Re: the Group Photo. We did try, honest! In the end, this was the best we could do...
Saturday 22nd December - by Pickford
D'you know what I reckon - I reckon I could start kipping any old place round our house and sooner or later one of the folks'd stick something soft down and make it proper 
comfy. That's how come Gemini first got her bed put under the radiator, and it's how come there's the fluffy duvet thing on the kitchen table. Make sense though dunnit? I mean, if you let the cat choose the spot and then stick the comfy thing there after, then you're on a winner, ain't you? No point sticking a cat-bed any old where is there, 'cos how's a human going to know the best spots? (they wouldn't 'ave a clue is what I reckon). They'd never have guessed about my spot under the desk, on the basket-thing, by the quiet printer for a start (not by the noisy printer, I'm not daft, me). I had to go on there a few times before they got the message, but now look - I got a new blanky! Cosy or what? It's one of them fleecy jobbies, I like them, I do. I even stay on there when the printer's going, no worries. Now here's a funny thing - I found something else good to kip on this week, this might sound a bit weird but it ain't half comfy - bubble wrap! It's great, honest it is! There's been loads of the stuff round the place this week, so I thought I'd try it out - well, you would, wouldn't you? I'm always up for trying new things, me. Gemini reckons we'll get some new things at Christmas too, but I'm not bothered about that. I've had bubble wrap and a new fleecy blanky this week already, and that's good enough for me. Mind you, we could do with a new feather thing for that 'Bird' toy, 'cos Colonel Beau (Sir) tugged another feather out of it this week, and it's lookin' a bit weedy now. Oh, and maybe a bit of coley, yeah, that'd be good. There's my Christmas list done then - a new feather thing and a bit of coley. Easy-to-please Pickford, that's me!
Wednesday 19th December - by Colonel Beau and Gemini
Yes, yes, I know, all this bally Christmas lark going on, parcels and cards and tinsel and suchlike, not to mention raffle prizes being boxed up left, right and centre. A right jolly old hoo-hah. But what about Yours Truly eh? That's what I'd like to know. Two days ago I was transported off to the jolly old vet, two whole days ago - and where was my diary about it, eh? Lost in the chaos of Christmas, that's where! Well, I shan't stand for it you know. A Colonel's vet visit should never go unreported, I'm sure you'd agree. Far too important. Hrrmph! Right then. Good. That's got that straight then.
Gemini: ...er, Beau... what exactly did you go to the vets for anyway? I didn't know you were ill.
Beau: Ill? No, well, I wasn't ill as such, no, I errr... well, it was just a little excess salivation issue, you know. A minor over-production in the oral lubrication department.
Gemini: Oh I see, you mean you were dribbling more that usual.
Beau: I say old girl, no need to be quite so blunt about it. But, umm, yes, that is about the size of it. I'm looking good now though, eh? See - not a dribble in sight! I'm glad to say the old food-hatch is fully operational in time for our seasonal goodies. It'll be my third Christmas here at Cat Chat Towers you know!
Gemini: Three years? Really? Gosh, I can't say I've been counting. (thinks: I have a note of the number of months, weeks or days if anyone's interested)
Beau: Yes, quite marvellous eh what, old thing? We make a bally good team don't you think? I can't imagine living anywhere else these days!
Gemini: Oh definitely a team, Beau. I can't imagine you living anywhere else either. (thinks: ...but goodness knows I've tried)
Beau: Marvellous! Well I can see we're going to be in for a simply spiffing time!
Gemini: Yes, I'm sure it will be really nice. As you say maybe even 'spiffing'. Happy Christmas Beau. (thinks: Did I really say that? )
Beau: Quite, quite, yes - Happy Christmas to you too! Righto, I'm off to pass on some seasonal good wishes to Private Pickford. Toodle pip old fruit!
Gemini: (thinks: Have I really put up with the old duffer for three whole years? Oh heavens, I really must deserve prawns at Christmas for that!)
Saturday 15th December - by Gemini
I thought I would just nip in here whilst the folks are busying themselves preparing for the Grand Draw tonight, to wish Good Luck to everyone who bought a ticket. It's all quite exciting really, even though I wasn't allowed to buy a ticket (due to some daft rule or other). So... Good Luck everyone! The winners names and winning tickets numbers will be posted on the raffle page as soon after the draw as is possible... I can't wait!
Also, news of Pickford's Goo from his New Lump - his favourite vet rang up yesterday with the results, and the good news is that nothing nasty showed up in the Goo. Seems it's some sort of stuff that's leaked out of one of his joints - I know, it sounds a bit strange, but apparently that can happen if you've had a knock, and then as it heals up it'll all go back into place and the lump should go down - well that's their best guess for now anyway. Trust Pickford to go knocking his joints around. Still, I am pleased for him, he's had enough bother at vets this year, poor old lad. I think I shall retire to my bed under the radiator now, and keep my bum warm and my joints safe. In fact I'd like to wish that for all cats everywhere - may you all have warm bums and safe joints in 2008!
Monday 10th December - by Pickford
Can I just say, right, that any cat who thinks you only ever get taken down the vets when you're ill, better think again. That's what I used to think, see, only it's not true! Here I am, I've been great for weeks now - like really great - (ever since I had that lump off my leg), and yet I still got taken down the vets today! I didn't see it comin' neither, there I was avin' a good old kip, and then - well, you know how it goes... in the box, bit of a drive, and bish-bosh there you are at the vets. Mind you it was my really favourite vet this time, the one who got the lump off my leg. I think the folks asked for her specially, (she loves me she does). It's not so bad when you see your favourite vet, is it? Turned out she wanted to have a poke at the lump on my other leg. Well fair's fair I s'pose, a different vet looked at my new lump last time, so she hadn't seen it before. Vets like poking at lumps, don't they? Well, anyway, she poked it and thgen stuck a needle in it! (just as well it was my favourite vet, I wouldn't let just any old vet poke a needle in my lump, not without a fight anyway). Now here's the weird thing, this needle took some stuff out of my lump. All sort of clear it was, like... well I dunno what it was like really, just like goo. Yeah, that's what it was - Goo. the vet must've thought it was interesting Goo though, 'cos she's sending it off somewhere for them to have a look at too. Somewhere with people who know about Goo I s'pose. I've got to go and see her next week too, then she'll tell us what sort of Goo it is. I don't really care though, this lump doesn't hurt, not like the other one. And I'm not feeling rubbish either, and the other one made me feel rubbish. Anyway, the folks reckoned I was really brave with the needle thing, so I got loads of fuss after - and a tin of Special (posh nosh, that is). I just reckon I've got naturally lumpy legs, but if they want to give me fuss and posh-nosh for having my lumpy legs poked, then that's fine withe me!
Sunday 9th December - by Gemini
It rained. A lot. All day. More wet, horrible rain. Again.
Saturday 8th December - by Gemini
It rained. A lot. Wet, horrible rain. All day.
Friday 7th December - by Colonel Beau & Pickford... interrupted by Gemini
Beau: No, I'm sorry Pickers old chap, I have to disagree with you. My windowsill spot is most definitely the warmest spot in the house. The Colonel knows best!
Pickford: Yeah, it's alright that windowsill, I'll give you that, but... and no disrespect or nuthin', but... I reckon my spot behind the telly's even warmer.
Beau: Nonsense old boy! How can it be - my windowsill has a radiator underneath it, perfect for keeping the old undercarriage warm, and it's the best place to let the sun warm my upper regions. All round thermal comfort, you see, there's no contest I'm afraid, my windowsill is best.
Pickford: Yeah, but see, in my spot I've got a radiator on one side and the telly on the other, so when the telly's on I get warmed on both sides. It's great it is.
Beau: Ah, there, you see! There's the proof that my spot is warmer than yours! Your spot is a heat-source short when the jolly old television isn't on!
Pickford: Well, yeah, that's true... but the sun isn't always on either. Only when it's sunny.
Beau: Hrrmph! Yes, well, that's as maybe, but at least I don't have bally remote controls in my way.
Pickford: Fair comment. But in my spot, my legs don't dangle over the edge like yours do.
Beau: Ah yes, but when my legs dangle over...
Gemini: Beau! Pickford! Will you listen to yourselves! Honestly, you're like a couple of kittens. I think you should just remember how lucky you are to have radiators and warm spots to sit in the winter at all, loads of cats don't, you know! (Walks off, tail in the air)
(Thinks: Right, that's shut those two up. Now I can get some beauty sleep in my bed under the radiator. Thankfully that really is the warmest spot in the house).
Wednesday 5th December - by Gemini
Oh dear, poor old Beau. He brings it on himself, you know. He loves to go on about his glorious coat of Grade A Colonel fur (and it is glorious, even I have to admit that), but then he goes off under Rabbit Man's van on his highly secret but completely unnecessary reconnaissance missions, and gets himself covered in filthy black stuff. And the trouble is, with Beau's fur, unlike sensible camouflaged tabby fur, he can't hide the mucky bits! And so it was that this afternoon the folks whisked him off into the bathroom (and shut the door to prevent escape, always a bad sign), and from what I gather, tried valiantly to restore him to his former glory with soap, shampoo, warm water and a scrubbing brush. Unfortunately, they succeeded only in turning the black bits grey, and resorting to cutting the worst bits off with nail scissors. The silly old duffer had even got it under his feet this time too, so he's had some of his in-between-the-toes fur cut out too! Poor old Beau. He wouldn't tell me the whole story, said he had post traumatic stress from being rinsed in warm water to get the soap and shampoo off. Honestly, he's such a turnip sometimes. Mind you, I discovered something about post-traumatic stress, it appears it doesn't half give you an appetite!
Sunday 2nd December - by Colonel Beau and Pickford
Beau: I say, Pickers old boy, could I ask you for a little friendly advice, you know - man to man, as it were?
Pickford: Errr... yeah, I s'pose so. I don't really know much, mind. I mean, I'm not highly skilled or qualified or nuthin', not like you.
Beau: Ah well, that's just where my dilemma lies you see. Having spent all those years becoming highly skilled and qualified, I feel I may have missed out on some of the more, how shall I put it... day-to-day training. And I have to say old chap, you do seem to be rather good at day-to-day thingummies.
Pickford: Do I? Crumbs, I dunno about that. I'll help if I can though, what d'you want to know?
Beau: Hrrmph! Well, as it happens I need to know how not to so something, rather than how to do it. I'm bally good at doing it you see, and I want to know how not to.
Pickford: Errr, right... but how can I tell you how not to do something? I don't get it.
Beau: All I know old chap, is that you seem to manage quite successfully not to do it. You've been in the old regiment now for over two years according to my records, and as far as I'm aware you've not done it once, and I'd rather like to know your jolly secret.
Pickford: Secret?
Beau: Yes, secret. Your secret about how not to keep getting scratches down the old nose from the Lady Gemini. Look... see that! (Beau shows Pickford his nose).
Pickford: Oh crumbs, she got you good and proper there didn't she! Right well, look, it's not really a secret, I don't know about secrets, but what I reckon is... now don't take this the wrong way or nuthin' but it's got to do with not sticking your nose in her face when she's eating, or when she's washing, or playing, or rolling, or scratching, or sleeping, or when she's doing anything really. If you stick your nose in too close it'll get scratched, and if you don't it won't, that's all I know, No secret mate.
Beau: I say, thanks old chap, I never thought of that! So today... when she was having a wash... and I went up to say hullo... you think I was simply too...
Pickford: ...Too close, yep, that's what I reckon. Too close by half. Like about a cat-and-a-half's length too close from what I saw.
Beau: By jove, what an ingenious strategy! Simply not getting too close, well, well, well. Still, a good Colonel's never too old to learn!
Wednesday 28th November - by Pickford
I dunno if I should say about last night, only I've got to really, I can't keep that a secret! I hope it doesn't upset Colonel Beau (Sir) or nuthin' only it wasn't may fault, and I didn't even see it comin either... it was all a bit sudden, you know? What it was, right, was Gemini tried to wash my ears! She did honest, there I was laying on the lap on the chair near the radiator (like you would) and there she was laying on the arm of the chair which is even nearer the radiator (like she does), and then blow me, if she doesn't lean over and try to wash my ears, just like that. Well I didn't know what to do, no-one's ever tried to wash my ears before. Maybe I should've just sat there and let her do it, only, well... I dunno, I just panicked I s'pose. She only got one little lick in before I got up and legged it under the coffee table. It's safe under there. No-one tries to wash your ears under the coffee table, well not that I've seen anyway. I wasn't taking any chances tonight I tell you, I went on the other lap, the one not by the radiator, Gemini won't go on the arm of that chair, she likes her radiator does Gemini. Oh yeah - there I am, look! All nice and comfy. 'Ere, and I'll tell you something else too - my ears aren't even dirty!
Saturday 24th November - by Colonel Beau
By jove that's a bit more like it! The human troops have finally realised it is now officially winter, and have installed the official winter duvet in my Upstairs Quarters. A tad overdue in my opinion, but that's bally humans for you. It's double the thickness you see, double the cosiness and therefore doubly-snuggly up the radiator end for Yours Truly. Of course the Lady Gemini, being a cat with a nose for the finer things, also recognises these benefits and has taken to joining me - not only in my quarters (which is jolly unusual in itself), but also joining me on the aforementioned doubly-snuggly duvet. Jolly intriguing turn of events, eh what? She's been purring up there too, now what am I to make of that? Perchance she is unimpressed by Private Pickford's clumsy efforts of the sofa recently and realises that mine is the rather more sophisticated approach. Or perchance she is becoming peeved at the (admittedly ingenious) methods old Pickers employs these days to install himself on a vacant lap before she can get a look in, (which naturally being a gentleman I wouldn't dream of doing). Or perchance she only wants me for my doubly-snuggly duvet. Dashed if I know the answer, but being a smart old Colonel I shan't dwell on the motives or analyse the manoeuvres, instead I shall simply enjoy the victory. Sorry Pickford old chap, latest round to the Colonel methinks, eh what? Tally Ho!
Tuesday 20th November - by Gemini
Well, I'll give our folks their due, we did get our prawns as promised, Sunday lunchtime, very nice indeed, thank you! Particularly nice as Pickford left me most of his prawns too - curious, but very nice, and I wasn't about to ask questions (in any case it's not ladylike to ask questions with a mouthful of prawns). He reckoned they were the 'wrong kind of prawns'. ...What? I've no idea how prawns can be anything other than the right kind, but he just ate one or two, licked the others about a bit, lapped up the juice from round the edge, and then went off to tuck into Beau's biscuits instead, leaving the rest of his prawns behind! Now I'm not about to become vegetarian or anything but I do have a healthy respect for what's in my bowl, and I say if some poor creature, be it prawn, chicken, tuna or whatever, has had the misfortune to end up as catfood, then the least I can do is make sure it doesn't go to waste. Unfortunately Beau decided they were the right sort of prawns and didn't let his go to waste either. Of course on the whole the boys palates aren't as refined as mine, both of them are still totally fooled by 'chicken style' or 'ham style' Quorn. I keep telling them it's fake meat, not real, it's made of, um... oh, I don't know, made of plants... or mushrooms... or vegetables or some such silly thing, but they won't listen. Still as long as I get the extra prawns when they're the 'wrong kind' why should I worry? And it's nearly Christmas too, which means I'm looking forward to getting my once-a-year special Gemini-only treat (and I'm sure they get it in specially for me)... Baileys! (there, I told you my palate was refined!)
Sunday 18th November - by Pickford
Since I've lived here I've got really good at going on laps, and being fussed and stuff, I do it loads, I do. I love it so much - the more fuss the better, and the more time I get on a lap the happier I get. S'funny thinking back to before, when I wouldn't go near anyone. Didn't know what I was missing see? But now I need fussing and laps, so it's a problem when you can't get it, 'cos I don't half miss it. There were no laps around all Friday night, in fact they didn't come back til Saturday night, so I was lap-less for a whole day! Next door lady came in to feed us, which is great and everything, but she doesn't sit down and do laps. So when the folks came back, I said to myself; 'Pickford', I said, 'keep your eyes on those laps til one of 'em sits down, and be the first one up there'. So I did... and I was. Soon as one sat down that was it, I was up there like a shot, bish-bosh, no messing. Pickford the Brave up on the lap where he belongs. I'm getting better at bieng picked up too. Gemini and Colonel Beau (Sir) are both really good at it, they can go up in the air for ages (well, except when Gemini digs her claws in their shoulder, they let her down pretty quck when she does that). I like the bieng cuddled and kissed bit, that's great that is, it's just that thing of being off the ground with only arms keeping you up there, it's a bit, oh I dunno, just scary when you stop and think about it. So I got picked up and kissed and cuddled today, and that was great, and then I stopped and thought about it... that's where I go wrong see. I reckon I'll have to take a leaf out of the Colonel's book and do a bit less thinking. Gotta go, I haven't been on a lap for half an hour, I need another fuss...
Friday 16th November - by Gemini
Ah yes, I know what this is all about! The folks have been beavering away packing up boxes of stuff and printing off leaflets and things for the last couple of days, and I've just twigged on. They're going out in public again to make complete fools of themselves with the Cat Chat stall. They did that in the summer I remember, only this time they're going all the way to London to make fools of themselves. It's all very well doing things like that round here, where no-one notices, but London, honestly! Sorry..? Can you put a link in... a link, are you serious? In my diary? Well... on one condition then... we get prawns when you get home, ok? Deal? Hah! That's agreed then, one link in exchange for a prawn supper tomorrow! Here it is: www.chelseaanimalcharitiesfair.co.uk
I hope Beau and Pickford appreciate my negotiation skills when they're tucking into their prawns. What a hero I am!
Wednesday 14th November - by Pickford
The Colonel's my mate you know, and I respect him and all that, but he don't half get some funny ideas sometimes. Like he reckons I'm trying to get friendly with Gemini by accidentally-on-purpose sliding over onto her on the sofa the other night, but it really was an accident, honest! Tell you what wasn't an accident though, and I'm not making this up either, and that was Gemini sliding over onto the same lap I was on last night, now that wasn't an accident. I was minding my own, as you do, stretched out on some knees when Gemini just comes along and squeezes in beside me on the same lap! (luckily she was facing the other way to me so I could pretend I hadn't noticed). I didn't know what to do, well you wouldn't, would you? So I didn't do anything except sit there and wonder what she was going to do. Only she didn't do anything either, only sit there and doze off. I've never been that close to another cat, not since... crumbs, I dunno... probably not since me kitten days, and I don't remember them. The folks said they'll get a photo of us next time. Next time? They think there'll be a next time? Stranger things have happened I s'pose. Like getting taken to the vets when you're feeling great, that's strange, innit? I was feeling great today, but I still got took to the vet. They wanted him to feel a bump on my leg (vets are good at feeling bumps). It's not the same kind of bump like the one I had taken off, and it's a different leg too, and he said it wasn't anything to worry about, but he still gave me an injection just in case. I could've told 'em it wasn't a worrying-about sort of bump, but they never asked me! I've just got bumpy legs, that's what. I don't care though, I still feel great!
Sunday 11th November - by Colonel Beau
I'm afraid young laddie Pickford is in for rather a disappointment if he thinks he can worm his way into the Lady Gemini's affections quite that easily! Cosying up to her the other night by pretending to 'accidentally' slide off that lap he was on, a bally amateurish move in anyone's book! She's far too smart to be fooled by little tricks like that. I tried every manoeuvre known to cat-kind in my early days here (and my early weeks and months, truth be told) in an attempt to make her realise what a thoroughly decent chap I was - chivalrous, considerate, loyal, honest, dashingly handsome and frightfully modest - well, all those things and so much more! But, the Lady Gemini is the Lady Gemini and if there's one thing I've learned over my almost-three-years here is that she's a gal who makes up her own mind - even if it is wrong! Still, fair play to Private Pickford for making an attempt to win her over, he's a jolly brave chappie, I'll give him that. So, I shall stand back and observe... advise if necessary... and try not to say 'I told you so' when she gives him his marching orders! These days, I devote my time to more achievable goals, so I volunteered for Towel Duty today. Fresh towels you see, the little blighters don't work properly unless they've been professionally warmed up first!
Thursday 8th November - by Gemini and Pickford
Gemini: Listen Pickford, I was there first you know. I'd been up there on the sofa between the folks for at least half an hour before you turned up, so it wasn't my fault!
Pickford: Yeah, well, I s'pose. But I didn't go on your bit of sofa did I? I went on a lap didn't I, 'cos it was free, like empty and doing nothing, see ('cept watching telly and that doesn't count), so you can't really blame me for that you know. You'd have done the same, I bet!
Gemini: Well I wasn't blaming you... as such... I just said you had a blinking cheek coming along and squidging your bum up against me, that was all. Too cheeky by half I reckon. You're as bad a George, he used to do that all the time, just come up and squidge himself in without asking.
Pickford: Hold on, you were asleep! I could hear you snoring! So I just got up on the lap like you do, and got all comfy like you do, and then I just sort of...
Gemini: Sort of what? Sort of got a bit relaxed? Sort of let your back end slide out all over me? And sort of let your tail lollop over into my face? And with one of your back feet sort of dangling in my ear? Is that what you sort of did?
Pickford: Errrr, well... yeah, I s'pose, sort of. Look, I dunno, I was half asleep when that bit happened and you can't get blamed for stuff you do when you're half asleep can you? And anyway when you turned over you woke me up by sticking one of your paws in my belly.
Gemini: I never did! You're making it up! Anyway how can you prove it was my paw?
Pickford: Well it was like this see, and I'll try not to get too technical here, but what I did was, right, was I counted up the paws on the ends of my legs, and there were definitely four, and I know I've got four, always have had four, and none of 'em were anywhere near my belly, so...
Gemini: Alright, that's enough! Your cheek, young Pickford is just about to go right off the scale of the cheek-o-meter if you're not careful!
Pickford: I was nice and warm though, wasn't it? And I didn't see you moving out the way. Two tabbies are always warmer than one.
Gemini: Yes, well, that's as maybe. But don't go making a habit of it. It'll ruin my reputation!
Monday 5th November - by Gemini
I can see I'm going to have to put my paws down firmly around here soon, or those lads will start thinking they can do just as they please! And that's really not on, I mean let's face it, I am in charge, I've always been in charge, and I always will be in charge. And one of the privileges of being in charge is to always get pole position on a lap when I want it. Not too much to ask is it? Well, since Pickford's miraculous recovery from his recent ills, he has become not only very much braver, but cheekier in the extreme! In the last few days he's been regularly snaffling the place on my favourite lap a soon as my back is turned. I hardly dare even nip off for a few mid-evening biscuits for fear that when I return there will be a Pickford in my spot - a spot which I've been carefully treading-down and warming-up for the last hour. He's so cheeky in fact, that he doesn't even shift when I give him one of my famous 'Accusing Glares', and I didn't think any cat could stand up to those! Maybe I haven't been putting enough 'Accuse' into them lately (mental note: must brush up on my Glares). Beau isn't quite so blatant, but he has been taking liberties all the same - I think he's been taking lessons from Pickford, (the king of downright cheek). If snaffling other people's lap-positions wasn't cheeky enough, Pickford has taken to sprawling (and I do mean sprawling) over the Cat Chat desk. There he was for most of this morning, front paws on the 'to do' pile and his bum squidged up against the keyboard. Completely in the way of course. Making using the computer as awkward as possible. And get this... snoring at the same time. I wouldn't mind the sprawling, squidging and snoring so much - except those are my jobs!
Friday 2nd November - by Pickford and Colonel Beau
Pickford: Errr... excuse me... Colonel Beau... Sir... what d'you reckon on all these fireworks then? Is it, like... you know... being back on the front line?
Beau: Eh... what? Oh... oh yes! Yes, it most certainly is laddie! Like being at the very front of the front line in fact. Bally things. Ban the lot of 'em I say!
Pickford: Yeah, maybe. 'Ere, Beau... Sir... did you know some cats are really scared of fireworks? And dogs too, I heard. You know, like proper scared, so they go and hide under beds and things with their paws in their ears and stuff.
Beau: Sorry? What was that laddie? What's in arrears?
Pickford: No, not in arrears, in their ears. Paws in their ears. You know, to keep the noise out. That must be horrid that, being scared of bangs and pops and stuff this time of year. I don't care me. Long as I'm inside and they're outside they can bang and pop all they like. I bet being a Colonel you're well used to it all eh? Bet they don't bother you one bit do they?
Beau: ...pardon? I didn't quite catch... ah! Oh, oh yes I see, yes indeed, quite so laddie, quite so. Being a Colonel I am of course highly experienced in dealing with such situations. Years of active service you see - seen it all, I have. Hardened to the most hostile of environments I am. Yes, it'll take more than a few little fireworks to bother Yours Truly!
Pickford: Yeah, that's what I thought. So... why are you hiding behind the desk?
Beau: Hiding? Hiding? Me? I'm not hiding! What a preposterous idea! I'm checking the umm... making sure that errr... you know, carrying out a umm... an inventory! That's it, I'm carrying out a long overdue inventory of the plugs, cables and wires behind the Cat Chat office desk! Yes, that's it, the plugs, cables and wires back here have been left unattended and un-inventoried for far too long. It's a jolly tricky job too, needed someone experienced you see!
Pickford: Oh right, yes I see. That's good then. Yeah... now I come to think of it, you did that job last year too didn't you - checking the plugs, cables and wires. I remember now, it was just about the same time as the fireworks...
