The Cats' Diary Archive

Friday 31st December - by Yogi
Hah! That'll teach her! I got my own back on our human of the female variety today, for all those times in the summer when she turned the hosepipe on me and the calico cat from up the road, when we've been having a scrap in next door's garden. Well now she knows how it feels! Oh... well... I don't mean she was having a scrap in next door's garden (I don't reckon she could get over the fence for a start), I mean now she knows how it feels to be sprayed with cold water when you're not expecting it. It feels cold, and wet, and unexpected, is how it feels. What happened was, me and the calico cat were having a scrap in next door's garden this morning, and out she comes to do her usual spoilsport thing with the hosepipe... only this time it didn't work. Well it did... but not in our direction. Now this all sounds a bit technical to me, but Gemini said that when everything was all icy round here the other week, the water in the hosepipe froze too. So, she said, that's why the nozzle bit split apart, and made the water all come out the side instead. And so that's why she got soaked! And if that wasn't good enough, I won the scrap too. So seeing as that'll be my last scrap of the year, I reckon that makes me the 2010 champion. I'll be looking forward to some great New Year scraps now I know the hosepipe can't get me!

Tuesday 28th December - by Tangle
I think Yogi's enjoying his first Christmas here. Well, he liked the wrapping paper anyway. He'll probably like the new scratching post and the new catnip mice too, when me and Gemini give him a chance to have a go. The thing is, it's my second Christmas here, and it's Gemini's umpteenth, so it's only right we get first dibs, isn't it? Tell you what though, I didn't realise Gemini could be such a piglet, until we got coley and chicken all on the same day (that was Boxing-day coley plus some left over Christmas-day chicken). She stuffed all her own down, then muscled in and ate the rest of mine. She would have had Yogi's too only the folks took his away when he turned his nose up at it and wanted ordinary 'cat food' instead. Gemini's stomach knows no limits, and it even made room for the extra treats we got thanks to Yogi's baldy-bits. The folks've been getting him to take his pills by hiding them in bits of those squidgy treat sticks, but so he doesn't get suspicious, all three of us get treats (only without the pills). I ate three bits today, so I had a little work-out swatting one of the new catnip mice around, (well, I don't want to get a Christmas belly, I haven't got rid of my autumn one yet!). My favourite mouse is the orange one with the green tail, I found him hiding behind the cushions on the sofa today. He thinks he's smart like that, but that's not going to help, is it? I mean, no matter how smart he is, he's always going to be bright orange and smell of catnip!

Christmas Day - 25th December - by Gemini
One of the best things about Christmas has got to be getting a present that (a) you didn't know you were going to get, and (b) that you didn't know you needed. Well, our main present this year ticked both those boxes - look! Now that's what I call a scratching post! I was the first to try it out, naturally, and Tangle wasn't far behind me. Yogi has yet to use it, but I think that's only because I've been hogging it, (and he's smart enough to wait his turn). Don't get me wrong, the old scratching post was OK, but in comparison to this monster, it was a bit short... and a bit skinny... and you certainly couldn't sit on top of it. I have to say us cats got a bumper bag of presents this year one way and another, including some super new catnip mice (which no doubt Tangle will whisk off to her 'nest' when no-one's looking), and a whole host of yummy treats (enough to last until Easter, by my reckoning), and real chicken for lunch (which Yogi wasn't keen on, so I ate his too). So all in all I'd say our Christmas has been rather satisfying so far. I say 'so far' because I happen to know there's a nice fat piece of coley fish defrosting in the fridge for us for Boxing Day. Lucky cats? Yes, I guess we are. Still, even better than our chunky new scratching post, knowing that Cat Chat has helped loads of cats find their way out of shelters this year into nice warm homes like ours is the best present of all. Happy Christmas!

Friday 24th December... into Saturday 25th December (just)
11.55pm - Tangle: Is it Christmas yet? Can we say it yet? Can we? Can we Gemini?
Gemini: No not yet. Hold on... just a few minutes...
11.58 - Yogi: That must be it now... come on... let's do it...
Gemini: No not yet - nearly, but not yet!
12 midight - Gemini: That's it - we can say it now!
HAPPY CHRISTMAS!!!
Love & Purrs from Gemini, Tangle, Yogi, and their human slaves.. errr, staff

Saturday 18th December - by Yogi and Tangle
Yogi: Snow! We got snow! Come and look Tangle! I'm going out in it, are you coming? Come on, it'll be great out there. It's proper Big Boys snow too. Come on Tangle! ... Tangle?
Tangle: You've got to be kidding. I'm not going out there, I'll get my belly cold! I don't like having a cold belly, or a cold anything come to that. You can go out there if you want to, but I think you're potty. Only people, potty people like our folks, go out in that sort of weather! I'm staying in the warm, thanks.
Yogi: Spoilsport. You sound just like Gemini. Just like an old biddy! Oh come on Tangle, you know you want to really. You're only three and a bit, you've got to come out to play, it's the law. I mean look, there's all that lovely snow out there, and anyway, who am I going to chase round the garden if you're not there, eh?
Tangle: Well... you could try chasing that black and white cat with the blue collar.
Yogi: Eh? What black and white cat with a blue collar? I don't know any black and white cat with...
Tangle: Err, well I'd look out the window if I were you. He's sat in the middle of our pond. On the ice... look!
Yogi: You what? Oh my goodness! Is that allowed? Does Gemini know? I bet that's not in her rule book. That's not even in my rule book, and I don't even have a rule book. Anyway, that's my pond, that is. How dare he sit on my pond. I didn't even know you could sit on a pond! That's not fair. If anyone's going to sit on our pond it should be me! OK, right, I'm going out... I'll see about black and white cats on my pond... wish me luck... I may be some time...

Wednesday 15th December - by Yogi (a.k.a. Baldy-cat)
I dunno how many more things I've still got to learn, but I'm one thing closer after today. What I learned was to take more notice of what Gemini says! She said right away that the cat-box the folks put in the hall yesterday was suspicious. She said it was a ruse, or a trap, or very likely both. But the thing was it didn't look like a ruse or a trap, it just sat there on the floor with it's door open, doing nothing in particular. The folks weren't trying to get any of us to go in it or anything, so after a while it just looked like a harmless thing, and nothing like a ruse or a trap. Well it turns out that was their ruse, Gemini was right, they wanted us to think it was harmless. So when I got picked up and fussed this morning I'd forgotten all about the cat-box... until I was inside it! Oh yeah, I was fooled alright, but I'm getting bigger (according to the vet), and wiser (according to me), so I won't fall for that little trick again. Anyway, the vet also said the reason half the fur's gone missing from the inside of one of my legs is because of 'hormonal alopecia'. Sounds posh, don't it? Tangle said it was just typical of a boy-cat to get something no-one's heard of. Gemini just called me Baldy-cat, and our human of the female variety said if the pills work on my leg she's going to ask the vet if they'd work on our human of the male variety's head!

Thursday 9th December - by Gemini
There comes a time in life where you start to feel a sense of duty to pass on your wisdom and skills to the next generation, lest one day they be lost and forgotten. I think that was why I ended up demonstrating the art of drinking from the bath-tap to young Yogi today. Well either that or I was just showing off because he can't do it. This was one of the very few genuine skills that the late Colonel Beau Cat posessed, and which he kindly taught to me. Yogi's no stranger to the bath itself though. He goes in there often enough, but it's usually to lick the water off the bottom after someone's been in the shower, or to play with (and sometimes run off with) the bath plug. He does occasionally go in there for umm... less savoury reasons, but this is my diary entry, so I'd rather not dwell on that. Anyway, so when he jumped up on the side of the bath today, I felt it was the perfect opportunity to teach him what baths are really for. I remembered the Colonel's three-point plan, and did my best to demonstrate; (1) Correct Timing, (this means jumping in the bath as soon as one of the folks is near enough to turn the tap on), followed by (2) Perfect Positioning, (i.e. sitting close enough to the tap so as not to have to stretch your neck, only your tongue), and the hardest part, (3) Drinking Technique. I think Yogi already has a good grasp of points one and two, but as soon as he saw me drinking the tap water his eyes went all big and startled, then he made a funny squeaky noise and ran off. Ah well, maybe he's still too young for such sophisticated pursuits. I'll try again when he's grown out of playing with bath-plugs.

Monday 6th December - by Gemini, Yogi and (eventually) Tangle
Gemini: Hey Yogi, have you seen Tangle lately?
Yogi: No I haven't as it goes, I've been looking for her for ages, ever since that man went.
Gemini: Hmmm yes, the carpet man. I haven't seen her since he came either. He did do an awful lot of noisy hammering though, so I expect she's gone into hiding.
Yogi: Yeah, I figured that out, but where? I've looked in all her usual hidey-places, you know, behind the desk, under the spare bed...
Gemini: ...behind the sofa, behind the telly...
Yogi: ...under the kitchen table, behind the curtains...
Gemini: She could be out in the garden somewhere I suppose.
Yogi: No way! It's too cold for her. And anyway, that's where I've been hiding. I'd know if she was out there.
Gemini: Well, she can't have just disappeared! I don't know, all this fuss and disruption just to get new carpet on the stairs that in my opinion we didn't need anyway. And now Tangle's gone missing. I hope our folks are pleased with themselves.
Yogi: I liked that old carpet too. It had good holes in. Specially that big one at the bottom that went right through to the stair.
Gemini: Oh you don't know the half of it young Yogi Cat. That hole was many years in the making, a masterpiece in fact. I remember starting that hole, back when I was just....
(a muffled Tangle): Hello..? Is it all over now? Is it safe to come out..?
Gemini: Yogi, did you hear that? It sounded like it was coming from the folks' bedroom. Did you check in there?
Yogi: Yeah I did, only there's nowhere much to hide in there, is there?
Gemini: Well... there is one place. (Gemini pads up the new stair carpet, into the bedroom) Ah, yes! OK, here goes: "Ahem! Listen, if that bulge underneath the duvet is you Tangle, then yes, it's safe to come out now. And if it's not, then errr, well, then I'd like to state here and now that I don't make a habit of addressing lumps in duvets, so I'd appreciate it if you keep this to yourself."
(a muffled Tangle): Thanks Gemini. I won't say anything, promise.

Thursday 2nd December - by Gemini
I must say, in all my fifteen-and-a-bit years, I've never seen so much snow all at once. There was already a fair bit out there this morning (which is when this photo was taken, I like to lick the snow, even if I don't like to go out in it), but we got loads more as the day went on. I watched from our sunbathing window (bit of a misnomer at the moment), as the snow kept getting deeper... and deeper... and deeper. By the afternoon it had practically covered up the catflap, and the folks had to get the shovel out. Of course, no truly smart cat would want to go out in that sort of weather, hence Tangle and I stayed in the warm, while Yogi went in and out like an idiot all day. The thing was, he'd seen the folks clear the snow away from under the bird table and put extra food out for them. So in Yogi's young, stupid, boy-cat brain he figured more birds equals more chance of him catching one. Sadly for him, Yogi's young, stupid, boy-cat brain didn't figure out that when it comes to hunting in the snow, black cats are at rather a major disadvantage. So he just got cold and wet, while the birds got the food and the last laugh. Days like this do make you think about nature though, don't they? And I reckon nature isn't as smart as it makes out. I mean, with all this snow and cold wintery wind, the birds must all be shivering their little socks off up in the bare trees. So why does nature choose autumn to get rid of all the leaves? That's just when they're needed most, aren't they? Daft idea if you ask me. Like dogs. I mean, who thought those up?

Sunday 28th November - by Yogi
I reckon Tangle's way too polite, you know. She just hasn't got the hang of making the folks do what she wants. Gemini knows how, she's really good at it. Gemini knows how to insist on what she wants, which in her case is normally food, or fuss, or a sit-on-a-lap. Well I know how to insist on what I want too, only I reserve my best insisting for getting them to play! I can get the folks to play shoelaces, or Da Bird, or feather-up-the-stairs with me anytime I like. How? Easy peasy - I just rugby-tackle 'em as they're walking along. Works every time. Well, most times anyway. Sometimes they see me coming and try to side-step out the way, but mostly I'm too quick for 'em. Oh, I don't put my claws out, nothing like that, I just launch myself at the nearest leg and wrap my front paws round it. But even so, when our human of the female variety nearly fell down the stairs with a cat wrapped round her leg this morning it wasn't my fault! I mean, if she'd stopped to play shoelaces with me up on the landing like I wanted her to, I'd've let go before she got that far, wouldn't I? She just has to learn to pick up on my subtle hints, that's all.

Wednesday 24th November - by Gemini
I thought for a minute there, that our folks had bought us new bowls to match our food. Well they did match at lunchtime today at least, because to my great delight we had prawns! (sadly they were the sort of prawns that Tangle actually likes, but nevertheless one portion of prawns is better than none). Then I realised that it was only mine and Tangle's bowls that matched the prawns, whereas Yogi's was blue (which doesn't match any food that I'm aware of), so I fear it's just some pointless colour-coded boy/girl thing that no creature on the planet other than humans would think up, (I'm glad I'm a cat). Still, colour aside, these really are excellent bowls, for two very good reasons; they're wide enough to give total whisker-clearance, and more importantly, they're deep enough to chase food up the side with my tongue without tipping bits over the edge - result! Apparently they were meant to be part of our Christmas present, but the folks couldn't wait that long. That's fine by me though, I certainly didn't put anything as boring as food bowls on my Christmas list. That would be like our human of the female variety putting a set of saucepans on hers (yeah, right!). No, my Christmas list is very simple. It's the same every year, in fact. It starts with prawns, ends with prawns, and apart from little frivolities like a lick of Baileys or tiramisu in the middle, the rest of the list is pretty much prawns. Well come on, I'm fifteen-and-a-bit, I know what I like!

Sunday 21st November - by Yogi & Tangle
Yogi: 'Ere Tangle... do girl cats fart?
Tangle: Errr... well... yeah, I suppose so. Sometimes. Well, except Gemini, she probably doesn't, knowing her.
Yogi: And... are they really smelly?
Tangle: Yogi! That's not the sort of question you ask a lady!
Yogi: No, but you're a mate, that's different. Are they though, are they really smelly? Like the sort of big-time smelly that'd make the folks go 'eeeeeuuurgh!' and screw their noses up, and then move further up the sofa flapping their hands in front of their faces, that sort of smelly?
Tangle: Oh no, no way, I've never done one that smelly.
Yogi: Brilliant! I knew there'd be something us boy cats did better'n you. You should've seen their faces, I must've done a right old stinker!
Tangle: Oh Yogi, that's completely gross, you know that?
Yogi: Yeah, it is, isn't it, thanks Tangle!

Tuesday 16th November - by Yogi
Someone's stolen half our garden! No honestly, they have! Two men came round this morning with ladders and noisy, buzzy machines and started chopping our garden to bits. Well, not the actual garden, but all our lovely bushes and trees, and that nice green stuff that goes up twice as high as the fence (but doesn't any more). And the Big Bush where we do our... you know... is only a small-to-medium bush now. Me and Tangle and Gemini weren't allowed out there, so we had to watch from the window while these men just stole our garden! Loads of it they took too, even most of Tangle's leaves. They put it all in great big bags and took it away on their truck. Now luckily, the folks had put some big panels of wood (bits of fence I think) over the pond just before they turned up, so at least they couldn't steal my frogs. I'm sure they would've taken even more garden, only the folks kept distracting 'em with cups of tea. Smart move that, or we'd have had nothing left! So better watch out, there's garden-nappers about. They'll probably turn up on Crimewatch sooner or later. Oh yeah, and if anyone offers you half a second-hand garden, you'll know where it came from!

Sunday 14th November - by Gemini
I do feel it's a tad unfair of our folks to put this particular photo of me on the diary, because of course there are just so many gorgeous photos of me to choose from. It's just that this one might give the false impression to anyone who doesn't know me, that I'm... well... a bit lazy! In fact, since being on the daily jollop for my arthritis, I'm anything but lazy. I can once again jump on (or off) the kitchen table in in one go (especially if there are prawns on offer) and I'm back to doing regular patrols of the boundaries (front and back) at least once a day (twice if it's sunny). In addition to which I'm still the only one round here bothered enough to go and meet the folks and escort them to the door when they've been 'round the pub', and I'll have you know that I can even, if required, run the full length of our garden path without stopping (and yes, I have witensses to prove it). Naturally, all this extra exertion means I both need and deserve plenty of quality recuperation time. So hence, what might on first look appear to be me just lazing about is in fact a carefully considered relaxation regime, designed to recharge my batteries to their maximum before my next energetic excursion. Well, that's my story and I'm sticking to it. And anyway, someone's got to 'quality control' the cushions!

Tuesday 9th November - by Tangle
Come on, own up! Who's got fleas? I've been asking that question ever since the folks cornered me on the windowsill yesterday morning, but no-one's owning up. I know it's Yogi or Gemini, or maybe even both of 'em, but someone's got fleas and it isn't me! It's bang out of order though, I mean cornering me while I'm having a nice sunbathe on the office windowsill, while I'm all warm and dozy, and pinning me down and putting that disgusting smelly flea-stuff on my neck. That's my favourite windowsill that one, I can relax up there, I get fussed up there, I watch the pigeons from up there, I don't expect to be flattened like a pancake and flea-treated up there... 'specially when I haven't got fleas! Gemini and Yogi had the flea stuff put on their necks too though, so whoever had 'em, better not have 'em any more. I'm not going through that again for someone else's fleas. I bet it was Yogi. Yeah, bound to be. Knowing what he's like with his frogs, he's probably be only to pleased if a bunch of fleas wanted to get up on him and play hide 'n seek. I bet Gemini wouldn't allow fleas on her unless they arrived with written invitations and wearing dinner jackets!

Wednesday 3rd November - by Yogi
This really isn't fair you know, sticking a net over my pond. The holes aren't big enough to stick my paws through, and I can't get under the edges 'cos the flowerpots (and Thermal, the stone cat) are too heavy, so I haven't had a frog in two whole weeks! I know they're in there, they must be. They're frogs, where else could they be? I don't believe what Tangle said about them just disappearing in winter, that sounds like rubbish to me. I reckon they're all just hiding, down there in the water somewhere, holding their breath. So I'm just going to sit here in the middle of the pond, on the wood that holds the net up... and wait. Sooner or later one of 'em will have to come up for air, or for food (although I dunno what frogs eat, exactly). Well, they'll have to come up to poo at least, well... unless they poo in the water... but I don't think they can do, I mean their litter trays would get all wet, wouldn't they? So I'll just sit here, patiently. I can be patient. I know I'm not usually patient, but it can't be that hard, can it? One's bound to come out to play soon. (five minutes later); Any minute, I know it... any second... (ten minutes later); Oh come on guys, show yourselves! I can't sit here until Spring, you know!

Sunday 31st October - by Gemini (because Yogi was too embarrassed)
Poor Yogi, he does seem to have an unfortunate knack of getting on the wrong side of the hosepipe. And by that I mean getting on its wet side, when it's in full squirt! Mostly it's his own fault, of course. If he's daft enough to get into a yowling match in next door's garden with the calico cat from a few doors up, in broad daylight, while the folks are in earshot, then what can he expect? The folks bought an extension to the hose in the summer too, so there's no escape, even if they do their yowling right at the very bottom of the garden (which was previously out of range), it can still reach. Yogi's been soaked twice this week - well, three times now, counting this morning. Today's drenching really was just bad luck though. Our human of the female variety had been washing down the bird-house, which essentially means cleaning off the bird poo, (I gather they even poo in their own seed-bowls sometimes, can you believe that?). Anyway, after the sweeping and scrubbing bit she decided to finish the job off with a good hose down. I have observed that our hosepipe is remarkably powerful when in 'jet mode'. So powerful in fact, that it can hose off the bird table with an almighty swoosh, and still the jet carries on right over to next door's fence... which this morning Yogi happened to be sitting on... right at the 'swoosh' moment. Poor Yogi. He goes all spiky when he's wet, you know.

Wednesday 27th October - by Tangle
I'll be honest, and it feels good to say this, but I've really got used to being fussed over the last year and a half, (that's how long I've lived here, Gemini's been keeping count, even if I haven't). I've grown to love all the chin tickles, the strokes, the scritches behind the ear, the kisses and the noozles ('specially when our human of the male variety gets down on all fours to do noozles on my level!). I'm even getting a bit more used to doing laps lately; I can do a couple of minutes all in one go these days, well, provided Gemini or Yogi aren't looking, and provided the owner of the lap doesn't cough, sneeze, laugh or move. But, I dunno if I'll ever get used to being called a marble cake. And no, you didn't read that wrong. "My little marble cake", our human of the female variety calls me sometimes. Whaaat? Now, I don't mind the other names I get called, like 'Tangs', 'Tanglus', 'Tanglus Pussus' or 'Mrs. T.', I don't even mind when I get called 'sweet thing' or even 'thing' if it's said nicely, but 'marble cake'? Oh please! It's just an expression of affection, Gemini says. Yeah right, an expression of her being affected in the head, more like. I mean, do I honestly look one bit like marble cake? No, I don't. What on earth is she thinking? Look... see that...? Anyone with half a brain cell could see it. My resemblance is not to marble cake at all, it's quite clearly battenberg!

Saturday 23rd October - by Yogi & Tangle
Yogi: Oi Tangle, come here! Have you seen what the folks've done to the pond? You won't believe it... It's terrible... look!
Tangle: That? Oh that's just the net. That went on last year too. Gemini says it's to stop all the leaves from next door's pigeon tree going in the water. It's nothing to worry about.
Yogi: Nothing to worry about? But look... it goes over the whole pond, and covers up the edges too. And look at the corners, they've weighed them down with flowerpots!
Tangle: Errrr... yeah... flowerpots... so... what's the problem?
Yogi: Well, the problem's obvious, isn't it? If all the edges are covered up, and the corners have flowerpots on, how am I going to get at my frogs?
Tangle: Oh yeah, I see what you mean. Well, I'll be honest Yogi mate, I think you might have to wait for the net to come off.
Yogi: Wait? But I'm Yogi, I need to be out there on the case, in the thick of it, patrolling the pond, stalking and hunting and sniffing out frogs, rounding 'em up and bringing 'em in, I can't do waiting!
Tangle: Dunno that you've got much choice. Anyway, you won't find frogs in winter, they disappear.
Yogi: Disappear? What, into thin air, like magic?
Tangle: Yeah, well, sort of... I'm not really sure where they go. But look, Yogi, there's loads of leaves to bring in, you can help me get those!
Yogi: Leaves are boring.
Tangle: Well, what about feathers then, there's a few of them about...
Yogi: Yaaaaaaaaaawn
Tangle: What about worms then? You used to like getting worms before the frogs took over.
Yogi: Worms! That's it! Thanks Tangle, I'd forgotten all about worms. Nothing can stop me getting them, not even flowerpots. Look out worms... Yogi's coming!

Sunday 17th October - by Tangle
I like Sundays. Sunday is when the folks put the new covers on the bed, and the trick is to nip in and snuggle down under the duvet before the old cover comes off. Of course snuggling under the duvet is a good thing to do any day of the week, but Sunday is definitely best, while the slightly-smelly week-old duvet cover's still on (oh come on, you know I'm right). No, but hold on... don't go thinking this is just an excuse to be lazy, oh no, that's just what we want it to look like. What this really is, is our cleverly worked out Sunday Strategy. See, between the three of us, we've got a strategy to stop the folks putting the new cover on, and keep the old slightly-smelly one on for as long as possible for us to do snuggling. So Gemini usually takes the first shift, straight after breakfast, then it's my turn (there I am, having my turn), which is somewhere around late morning to mid-afternoon. Then if we get the timing right, and Yogi gets his bum in gear, he takes over for the rest of the day up to teatime (unless Gemini wants another go, in which case Yogi has to find somewhere else to snuggle). Now if we slip up, sometimes the folks nip in and change the covers while the bed's un-manned, but if we're really on the ball, we can hold 'em off right up to suppertime. Well, any smart cat knows that people can't go moving napping cats off the bed, it's against the law of nature, or physics, or something, ain't it? (Yogi and me were up there together, at the same time the other week, me under the duvet and Yogi on top, but don't tell Gemini, as that's against strategy rules).

Wednesday 13th October - by Yogi
I dunno if I should say this, being a boy (because it's not a very boy thing to say), but I really love Tangle. She's just about the best playmate I could wish for. She loves chasing, and she loves boxing ('specially through the catflap), and she loves thundering up and down the garden in the daytime and thundering up and down the stairs in the evening. She's not like a girl cat really, well you know what I mean, she's not at all girly, even though she's had kittens and looks pretty and everything. Tangle's rough and tough... and stuff. But there's still one place Tangle doesn't chase me - can you guess? Oh, no look! You don't need to guess - it's there in the video! That's me, that is, going boldly where no Cat Chat cat (not even the intrepid Colonel Beau) has ever gone before. Alll the other cats who've lived here have only ever gone through the door in the proper way, just walking along the floor, according to Gemini (and she should know). So I'm the first, the very first, to go over it. It's uncharted territory, that is. Not only is it uncharted, but it's very high... a bit dangerous... and errr... dusty. I touched the ceiling though, I mean the ceiling. I bet no cat at Cat Chat Towers has ever touched the ceiling before. That's about as high as you can go really, isn't it?

Friday 8th October by Gemini
I know how humans love to have their accolade and award ceremonies, but is there one for complete Muppet of the Year? If there is, I'm sure our human of the female variety would qualify for the shortlist after today. Now I don't know a great deal about human food or cooking (thankfully), but even I couldn't have got that wrong. She had decided to attempt to cook (which is in itself cause for alarm) a spaghetti bolognese, and even worse in my opinion, a vegetarian spaghetti bolognese. Quite how a meal without any proper meat in it qualifies as real food is a mystery to me. Anyway that aside, she proceeded to throw various piles of chopped up vegetable matter (which surely should have been left in the ground where it belongs), into a pot, along with some truly repulsive smelling sauce. Then by heating it up and stinking out the kitchen, it would she hoped, by some process of luck or magic turn itself into said 'bolognese'. Unfortunately this particular bolognese was never destined to reach it's full potential. Even if she did get all the chopped-up bits right, and even if she did succeed in making the perfect sauce, still one minor problem remained... she'd forgotten to get any spaghetti. Now forgive me if I appear slightly derisive here, but when she looked up that recipe, wasn't the clue in the title? (Muppet of the Year nomination forms can be sent c/o Gemini Cat, Chat Chat Towers, thank you).

Tuesday 5th October - by Tangle
What a boring day! It rained all morning, and it rained all afternoon, I mean, how boring is that? I can't believe Gemini's told me to do a diary entry, I mean, nothing happened! She said it needed doing, she was far too busy, Yogi was out (yes, out in the rain, like the loony-tunes nutcase that he is), and in any case she said, it was my turn. Yeah well, far be it from me to criticise but from what I could see Gemini's 'busy' meant sleeping, napping and getting 40 winks. Well, apart from when she fell off her cube, that was entertaining (but don't tell her I said so). Her 'cube' is really our human of the female variety's foot stool but Gemini's bum usually beats our human's feet to it. Trouble is, if she rolls over more than once in the same direction, she falls of the edge. There you see - today was so boring that I didn't have anything better to do than watch Gemini falling off her cube! So that's why I ended up shredding the local paper. Gemini said the late great Colonel Beau cat used to shred the paper when he was bored too. Well, the folks don't mind, it's only full of adverts anyway. Apparently, when he was really bored, Colonel Beau even used to shred our human of the male variety's railway magazine. Yeah, well I can understand that. What I don't understand, is how bored our human must have to be to actually read it!

Saturday 2nd October - by Yogi
Only last week I said how unfair it was when our human of the male variety let my bird out the window. Well our human of the female variety's just as unfair, or at least she tried to be tonight but I was too quick for her. I caught a mouse this time, (well, I thought that'd be safer, seeing as mice don't fly out of windows). So anyway, it was raining, so I took it indoors to have a game of chase round the shoes in the hall. Now me and my mouse, we were loving that game of chase, really good fun it was, until she comes along with the frog-box to try to get it off me! Well I wasn't having that, so I scooped him up quick and took him back out the catflap. But that's not fair is it, having to play with my mouse outside in the dark, in the cold, in the rain? We got soaked! I got a frog later on, to make up for it though, so I took him indoors instead. I got a few good leaps out of him too, before she came along and put him in the frog-box and took him back down the pond. I don't mind that though, if she takes my frogs back down the pond, they'll still be there next time I want to catch 'em, won't they? I'm still not sure why she tried to catch my mouse in the frog-box though. I mean, I know human's aren't all that smart, but surely she must know mice don't live in ponds?

Wednesday 29th September - by Gemini
I don't know exactly what's in that jollop from the vets, but I must say it appears to be doing me good! I'll be honest, I haven't felt this lively in some months. Of course it could just be the placebo effect, because I know I'm having the Magic Jollop in my food and therefore I'm expecting to feel better. There again, my new found vigour could be due to us getting 'posh-nosh' more often as a way to encourage me to eat said jollop (yes, I know their tricks!). Or it could be that since having my nails 'manicured' the other week I'm finding getting around far less problematic, and so am doing rather more getting around than I have been. Of course, it could simply be that I was due to be feeling livelier around now anyway, just naturally, and the timing of the jollop is pure coincidence. But you know what, I don't actually care what the real reason is! The fact that I can now jump on the bed again at my first attempt, in one leap, and that I can run up the garden at almost-but-not-quite Yogi speed, and if I want to I can now even get over next door's fence again, (not that I want to particularly, but I could if I did, which is the point), well, that's good enough for me. So, a message to our folks, will you please stop moaning about the cost of my jollop, it's worth every penny! And I, Gemini Cat, am of course, priceless.

Friday 24th September - by Yogi
What is wrong with our folks? Aren't I allowed to catch anything decent round here? Don't they understand, I'm a cat! I'm a young, fit, sneaky, quick, cunning, smart, bouncy, leapy cat, and I'm meant to catch birds! (just look at them fangs, I mean, what do they think they're for, eh?). I know Gemini can't be bothered, and Tangle's too much of a goody-four-paws and only 'catches' leaves and seagull feathers, so someone's got to keep the side up and do some decent catching, haven't they? OK, so it's only my second bird ever, but at least I'm trying. I wasn't being selfish with it either, I mean I could've kept it to myself but Tangle's my mate so I took it indoors to show her, (at least she was impressed, unlike our folks). Well, that was my mistake, right there. I should've kept it in my mouth and not dropped it on the bedroom floor to show Tangle. Or at least, I shouldn't have dropped it on the floor while it still wanted to get up and fly round the room and out onto the landing, and then fly into the bathroom and back, and not let me catch it again. That was a right old mistake, that was. Our human of the female variety's really strange you know, she's quite happy seeing birds flying round outside, she even feeds them, but when one's flying round indoors she goes all funny, shuts herself in a room and starts shouting. I don't get that. But what I really don't get, is after all the trouble I went to getting that bird, our human of the male variety hears all the shouting, comes up and lets it out the bathroom window! That was my bird, that was! That's so not fair!

Monday 20th September - by Gemini
I'm just going to nip in and say this before Tangle or Yogi do, then they can't make fun of me, (well they might, but I'll biff them round the ear if they do). This afternoon, I had my gorgeous, precious bib shaved off. Why? Well, it's to do with my arthritis apparently. And my kidneys. As I gather it, they needed to take my blood, to test my kidneys, to find out which sort of jollop to give me to help with my arthritis. What a load of old codswallop! A good daily dose of fresh prawns, double-cream twice a week and the occasional lick of tiramisu would take my mind off my arthritis better than any vets jollop, surely? (if only cats could be vets...). Still, the good news is that my kidneys are in perfect working order, but the bad news is that I now have to spend the next few weeks growing my bib back! Oh yes, and get this - the vet also gave me a 'manicure' (and I use the term loosely). Did this mean having my claws gently shaped and buffed up until they gleamed like top-of-the-range Sabatiers? Sadly not. Instead, she took each claw in turn and simply chopped the ends off! Talons one minute, blunt instruments the next. The cheek of it! The sheer indignity! I feel I should make a formal complaint. However... it has to be said that since my unexpected manicure I'm no longer getting caught up in the cushions and the mats. And I can use the scratching post without getting my claws stuck in it, pulling it over, dragging it halfway across the kitchen floor and having to be un-hooked by one of the folks. Hmmm... in retrospect, maybe my old claws had grown to be a little too, ummm... efficient.

Friday 17th September - by Tangle & Gemini
Tangle: Hey Gemini, is it just me or d'you ever wish us cats didn't have such a good sense of smell?
Gemini: Hmmm, interesting question, young Tangle. Well no, I've never actually wished I didn't have such a good sense of smell, but I'll admit it can be a bit inconvenient at times.
Tangle: You're telling me! Did you go in the kitchen at dinnertime today? I nearly couldn't go in there, I mean that smell... it was completely gross. What on earth was that?
Gemini: Oh that. Well sadly, that was our human of the female variety trying to do 'proper cooking'. Don't worry though Tangle, it doesn't happen too often.
Tangle: Thank goodness for that! It ponged the whole house out. I'd never have guessed it was meant to be food though.
Gemini: Well, I wouldn't worry about it as long as we only have to smell it and not eat it, like they do.
Tangle: Yeah, I suppose. But what about yesterday then? Did you smell our human of the female variety when she got back, stinking of all that chemically stuff? I didn't like that at all. She tried to stroke me, but I wouldn't let her, not with all that stinky stuff on her.
Gemini: I agree it is a bit whiffy, but it's only chlorine.
Tangle: Yeah, but she was covered in it, like she'd been practicaly swimming in the stuff!
Gemini: Errrr, yes... listen I know this'll sound a bit mad, but I think that's exactly what she does do, actually.
Tangle: Really? Are you pulling my leg? People are strange. Smelly, and strange, that's what I reckon.
Gemini: Yes, I suppose they are. Still you can't beat a good pair of stinky, needs-a-good-wash, human-of-the-male-variety socks for cosying up to and falling asleep on, can you?
Tangle: No, that's true, but socks are special, aren't they? I mean, they may be well stinky, but at leat they're nice-stinky. You know... a bit like tuna in jelly.

Sunday 12th September - by Tangle
I am the champion! Yep, I am without doubt the undisputed leaf-collecting champion of Cat Chat Towers (and probably beyond). Just look at that excellent specimen! Go on... how long d'you reckon it is then? Just have a guess - go on. Have you guessed yet? Well, I'll tell you (and I know, because the folks got the tape measure out), it's 37-and-a-half inches long in old money, which these days is a massive 952-and-a-half milimetres, so that's even longer (I think). This is the kind of leaf that grows in the pond, not on next door's tree like most of them, but sometimes when there's so many in there that you can't see the water, our human of the female variety pulls some of them out. Well, that would be OK except she just leaves them in a messy heap on the side, and that's no good, is it? I like a tidy garden I do, but as usual it's down to me to do the tidying. It took a fair bit of work this one too, I mean, I've only got a little mouth and little legs! I had to drag it right across the grass, and up the patio steps, and as for the bother I had getting it through the catflap, I reckon I deserve a medal for that. And were the folks impressed? Well, they must have been a bit impressed, or they wouldn't have measured it or taken a photo, would they? Mind you, I think they're even more impressed that I'm up to a 1-in-2 success rate at taking treats straight from fingers, (and if I'm honest, bringing in 952-and-a-half millimetres worth of leaf is definitely the trickier of the two, but taking treats from fingers is a lot tastier!).

Thursday 9th September - by Gemini
Our Tangle really amazes me, you know. I've never known a cat to have two such completely different personalities. I've also never known a cat who could puff their tail up quite as much as she does when they're angry, either. I swear it puffed up to at least three times it's normal size today when she was seeing off the black and white intruder on our path. And boy, can she swear when she wants, too, (she didn't pick that sort of language up round here, I can assure you!). No wonder he backed down. She even scares me when she's like that, and as anyone who knows me will attest, I don't scare easily. Luckily, 'Scary Tangle' doesn't surface very often, and for most of the time we're privileged to know sweet, gentle, lady-like Tangle. She is so nice natured in fact, that it's hard to believe sometimes. Even in my most reasonable, least curmudgeonly days, I was never that nice natured. Well, it's not normal, is it? She's nice to me, nice to Yogi, nice to the folks, and (amazingly) she was nice to the cattery people when we stayed there. I expect she'd even be nice to unfamiliar visitors if she wasn't hiding behind the desk or the sofa. So maybe it's just as well she puffs her tail up and gets angry once in a while, or I'd be seriously worried about her. I'll be honest though, I wouldn't want to get on the wrong side of Scary Tangle, that's even scarier than my scary side!

Tuesday 7th September - by Yogi & Tangle
Yogi: Gemini beat me up! Did you see? Just like that, no warning, she just flew at me and beat me up! There I was, minding my own business, just...
Tangle: Just poking your nose in her face while she was asleep on the sofa! I saw you, Yogi-Pogi. That was not the smartest move in the history of smart moves you know.
Yogi: Yeah well, there was still no need to go beating me up, was there? She had me pinned right up against the armchair, did you see? I'm only little, she could've hurt me!
Tangle: Oh come off it Yogi, she only beat you up a bit. And don't start playing your 'I'm only half her size' card, that won't get you any sympathy.
Yogi: But... but I am only half her size!
Tangle: Yeah, but you're young, and fit, and quick, and she's fifteen and an old biddy (but don't tell her I said so), and you were the one poking your nose in where it wasn't wanted. Anyway, you should be pleased, I mean, she hasn't beaten you up for months!
Yogi: Oh yeah, I'm really pleased about that! I might've known you'd take Gemini's side. I bet you wouldn't say that if she'd just beaten you up by the armchair!
Tangle: Well that's not going to happen, is it? Gemini's never beaten me up. But then I'm not daft enough to poke my nose in her face while she was asleep.
Yogi: What - you mean she's never beaten you up? Not even when you first came here? You know, like if you walked too close to her, or if you looked at her funny, or if you sat where she wanted to sit? Or... or... yeah what about her rule book then, you know the rule about her having to beat up the new cat for the first few weeks to show 'em who's boss, she must've beat you up then?
Tangle: Errr... well, no, she didn't as it happens. I, ummm... well, I think she might've made that rule up just for you, Yogi mate. Sorry...
Yogi: Just for me? But I didn't do anything! That's not fair! How's that fair? That's so not fair! I... I... grrrr... I need to go and catch a frog!

Thursday 2nd September - by Tangle
Well, if Yogi doesn't want to play with it, then I jolly well will! I dunno what's up with him, he catches a perfectly good mouse, drops it in the hall and just leaves it there! Granted, it was already dead but even so, it still had plenty of mileage left in it. I had a brilliant half hour tonight batting it along the floor, throwing it up in the air and swatting it, just like I'd caught it myself. The folks didn't realise it was a real one at first because we've got so many toy mice round the place, so normally I'm batting and throwing and swatting one of those. You can't beat the real thing though. Not that I'd go catching one myself, mind you. Well you have to get your paws dirty to do that, don't you? And it probably means spending ages sitting by a mouse-house waiting for one to come out. As Gemini says, us girls have got better things to do with our time, but if Yogi wants to do it that's up to him. She said her old mate George used to catch mice all the time, but he didn't play with them, he used to eat them! Can you imagine that? He used to eat birds too, feathers and all so she says, and all that'd be left at the end would be it's feet and a bit of it's innards! That all sounds very unlikely to me though. I mean, Yogi's the grossest, most disgusting cat I know, and if he doesn't eat mice and birds, then it can't be true... can it?