Husband versus cat dilemma...

[Hollysmum]

Please help me before I suffer a complete meltdown! I have an elderly cat - she's 20. I have a husband who is in recovery from male breast cancer, and who is now awaiting a knee replacement operation, and who has been on extended sick leave since September last year. There is only one issue with my cat, in my opinion, and that is that she meows loudly at night, sometimes in the early hours, and it does wake us up. We live in a flat, so are on the one floor. Other than this, she behaves in a completely cat-like way for her age. She eats well, her coat is lovely and shiny, and apart from being totally deaf, is otherwise fine. Because of his current health issues, and the fact that he is bored stiff, my husband seems to have focussed all that is wrong in his world on the poor cat. If she wasn't there, all would be right. Clearly this is not the case, but he's just not seeing this. I posted on here some time back now about her night time meowing, and I have tried: a nightlight; leaving a light on; putting a bowl of food down before going to bed; lots of fuss before going to bed. It is a rare night that she makes no noise at all. Husband is now pressurising me to "do something about it". I really don't want to make him out to be a selfish tyrant, even though he is behaving like one at the moment! Before his illness, he never had a problem with the cat, other than muttering about fur on his clothes now and again. This has really escalated in the last three or four weeks, and it is seriously getting me down. If I could snap my fingers and he could be fully well again, and back at work, then I would do it instantly, but of course, that can't happen. He's dealt with so much in the last year, and with such stoicism and even humour, and I have such respect for him because of that, but I am so unhappy at the way he's behaving over this situation. I would far rather that my cat didn't meow at night - I have to be up at 5.45 for work, and my nights are disturbed by her too, but whereas I can manage to put up with it because I'm not the one who has been so ill and in pain, and because she's my pet, he feels he is at the end of his tether, and it's just one more thing. Can anyone suggest anything else I can do to try and stop the meowing? I don't like to think that she is distressed, either, but I am sure that Husband's attitude has an effect on her. So sorry to pour out all my woes - thank you all in advance for your help.

[ithai]

Might I suggest several things? One? Lavendar, either a candle or Track may have something you plug into a wall outlet that diffuses lavendar. Two? While this may seem odd? Maybe the feliaway product even though? As you said? Your cat is aged. The other thing that you might try...and this may sound odd? Is music. They have internet sites with PTSD music. Not words just soothing music that might help your husband too. My stressed out, due to latent reaction to past trauma, cat gets a lot out of the PTSD music, the lavendar (although seriously? He prefers a different scent candle-go figure. He's a fickle Siamese) and both work because we can't afford the chunk of change the feliaway is. Oh! One other thing? Calming collar. They sell it in pheremone or lavendar. Hope this helps.

[bobbys girl]

What a frustrating situation you find yourself in. Your cat may be meowing BECAUSE she's deaf. Does she have access to your bedroom at night? Perhaps it is the anxiety of being separated from you. I suppose your husband wouldn't like it, but if she was near to you she might settle down.

I can sympathise with your husband. I am really suffering with my shoulders at the moment. The right one has been bad for a while. But I fell last week and badly jarred the other. Sleeping has become a real problem (sitting up with 5 pillows!!) and the last thing I want, when I finally drift off is some dxxn cat using me as a trampoline. They don't mean it, but that's not how I feel at 2AM!

Diffusers might help or one of your jumpers left 'accidentally' on the sofa or a favourite cat seat might calm her. Mine always seem to prefer to sit on my clothes. I hope you can find a solution for all your sakes.

[Hollysmum]

Dear ithai and bobby'sgirl - thank you SO much for your replies. I like the sound of a lavender diffuser or even the Feliway thing, and also putting one of my jumpers on her bed. Music for her would be totally pointless as she's now totally deaf - husband? Hmm! We haven't ever had the cat in our room, mainly because my husband is a coach driver, and when he's working, he's up at all sorts of different times, and works very long hours, so she is used to sleeping in her own bed in the lounge. I've suggested that we leave the lounge door open, but this fills him with horror just in case she dares to set paw into our room! I, too, have thought that she might meow because she is totally deaf, and that sometimes, if she wakes during the night, and all is totally silent and she can't see anything either, this worries her momentarily. Tonight, I will put a jumper into her bed, and tomorrow, I shall go in search of a diffuser to plug in. I'm going to work on him a bit to see if he'll leave the door open - perhaps if I suggest that we do it for a couple of nights, and see how she goes. When he was in hospital over Christmas (poor love) I left all the doors open, and she didn't even bother to come into our room. She did meow a couple of times, and she appeared in the doorway once or twice, but even though I encouraged her, she didn't come in, so I don't think he's got anything to worry about there. I just hope that he'll listen to my suggestions without getting all stubborn!
Thank you again, I'm so grateful. Catherine xxxx

[meriad]

gosh, what a dilemma. I remember you posting a while back and feel for you - it's not easy for anyone is it

I sadly cannot give vast amounts of advice, but from personal experience when my older cat Molly was still alive she'd also meow quite loudly at night. One of the problems is that because they are deaf they can't hear themselves so don't realise just how loud they are; it often surprised me just how loud Molly could be. Generally though what I found with Molly that she was calling because she was disoriented and just needed a bit of reassurance and once she had that she's quickly settle back into her bed and sleep.

When it comes to diffusers I personally have a preference for Pet Remedy which is Valerian based. Feliway is great, but to me it's always been the more effective one for intercat issues (if that makes sense) but try both... both will be cheaper online but quicker to get from your vet to start. The lavender definitely is a great idea - not just for the cat, but you and your husband a general all round calming herb and it smells wonderful (which admittedly the Valerian doesn't). Not sure what the best way would be for that though as most lavender diffusers will have quite a few other chemicals in them which you probably want to avoid (again for both husband and cat?) Maybe an electric Melt Burner would be safest and then use it with water and essential oil or was and essential oil?

I really do hope that you are able to find some solution. And have to ask - if nothing works, could you husband be persuaded to use ear plugs at night?

Best of luck and fusses to your old girl

[Hollysmum]

Hello again, Meriad! I, too, have thought about ear plugs for Husband!!! I might broach that one with him - after dinner, when he's feeling nice and full and satisfied! I'm not over-worried about things added to a lavender diffuser - Husband has no sense of smell anyway, but my Holly Cat certainly does, so that has to be worth a try. A previous post suggested putting one of my jumpers into or near her bed, which might give her a bit of reassurance that I'm not far away, so I think that's worth a try, too. What I will also do is actually get up to her tonight if she meows, and just show her that I'm around - far better than Husband blundering in and barking at her to shut up, when she can't actually hear him anyway!! I will keep you all posted about any changes/progress (please let it be the latter!!!). Catherine xxx

[meriad]

Good luck Catherine, I really do hope you find a solution.
Ria x

[bobbys girl]

My OH is a snorer - ear plugs are a God-send! Only problem is if I HAVE to get up early and need the alarm, I can't hear it! Good luck, let us know how you go on.

[lilynmitz]

While working on the cat in the ways that others have described, is there something that you both can do that will make you feel better in yourselves, ie reducing your own stress levels from all that you have had to contend with so that the cat, as you so rightly picked up on, doesn't become the focus of all the stress and frustration? Charities such as Cancer Care offer great support, even post op, for both sufferer and carer, or maybe you could find something you both enjoy that won't be hampered by his painful knee? It's been a tough time, with more ahead, so you need all the support you can get, as well as nice things to look forward to.

But if your cat's 20 and deaf, she has struggles of her own right now, and could probably do with a bit of special support too. I've often found that just going down and giving them a few moments reassurance that you're still there is all they need,and they quickly settle down afterwards, and if you do this often enough, eventually the feel more settled at night and don't feel the need to call out so much. Mitz sometimes did this because he was blind, and Lily went through periods of it too, specially when she couldn't get up the stairs any more towards the end of her life, but after a few gentle words they usually settled down again, and if I didn't let it wind me up and stayed chilled about it, I also found I went back to sleep again quite quickly (and I'm a terrible sleeper normally). Has she been tested for hyperthyroidism? That can make them more vocal, and is treatable with pills.

Otherwise, do consider ear plugs and natural sleep remedies, to give you a more relaxing sleep. (Boots do some brilliant made to measure earplugs -Sleep Sound, which I find a huge help with my snoring snuffling partner! )

[Catstmq]

Hi, more sympathy than advice from me but I have been in a similar situation with a husband recovering from cancer and two cats, one of whom was always a bit vocal at night.
I felt very stuck in the middle, the cat would disturb my sleep but mostly by making me feel tense that my husband would wake up and get grumpy about the cat.
My cats were always my cats rather than ours and predated the husband by many years.
We only really talked about it after his recovery and the death of one cat. We each had resentments that needed addressed.
I guess if I was to give advice I would say try to talk about it and to really let him know that you sympathise with his position. But don't treat the cat in a way you're not happy with. Talking therapies do help a lot of people and the two of you have been through a lot.
I hope you get to a stage where you can celebrate your husband's recovery and the cat is a bit calmer. All the best xxx