Sad and Stressed and Overwhelmed

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juststevie
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Sad and Stressed and Overwhelmed

Post by juststevie »

My 18-year-old cat died recently. This cat was the love of my life, you know? We adopted her when I was a child, and she's been with me ever since. I have a tattoo of her face. She was my absolute love and was always by my side. Losing her was beyond devastating, even though I know it was time to let her go.

After losing her, I was so sad and lonely (there are two other cats in the home, and I love them dearly, but her absence was weighing heavy on me) and ended up finding a kitten on petfinder. He was completely adorable and seemingly everything I'd want in a new companion, so I moved forward with the adoption.

Now, two weeks later, I am completely stressed out and overwhelmed. He's SO high energy (I'm not new to this, I have had kittens before and have worked with animals, but even for a kitten, he's got so much energy all the time), and he's high maintenance. He has a million toys, and he loves to play with someone or independently, so he's definitely not bored. He is really bad about people food, even if he's literally just eaten his own, to the point where he has to be shut out of the kitchen when we cook or he is a danger to himself (I am absolutely certain he's getting enough kitten food and he has been cleared by a vet--no parasites or health issues). He just seems like a cat that's going to need a lot of supervision.

I know that pets sometimes have to be returned to the rescue because they're not the right fit, but I've never experienced it before myself, and I am really wrestling with guilt as I try and decide what the best course of action here is. Because the problem ultimately lies with me. I decided to adopt another cat, I decided to go with a kitten, I decided to pick the first cute face instead of taking my time and finding the right animal. Beyond all his energy and behavior issues, the real problem is that I really don't think I'm ready for a new animal at all--I was just sad. I moved too quickly. But now there's this little life who's my responsibility and who's going to have to live with the consequences of my actions. He's so sweet and innocent--he's a bit of a challenge, but he really is such a good cat, and he didn't do anything wrong. I feel so beyond guilty for all of this, and I want so badly to do right by him. I want him to have the best life he can have, and I'm just not sure I can provide that for him right now. I'm constantly in tears, and I just feel like a monster.

I know no one can tell me what to do here, but am I a terrible person for considering bringing him back to the rescue when he's done nothing wrong?
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Mollycat
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Re: Sad and Stressed and Overwhelmed

Post by Mollycat »

Sorry for your loss. They say ew have that one special animal who is just part of our soul, and it sounds like maybe he is the one you just lost.

I used to really judge people who went straight out and got a "replacement" pet - one guy I worked with had one dog when we left work on Friday and a different one when we went back in on Monday! - but the truth is everyone is different and everyone needs to grieve in their own way. For some of us there need to be gaps, for others there needs to be someone else, there is no right and wrong way. Worst of all you don't know which it's going to be until you get there, and all too often like you there comes this moment of oh rubbish what have I done! Having a vacancy in your home is one thing, having room in your heart is another.

A kitten does have very different needs to an 18 year old lifelong companion, and they are hard work for a while. They can be a great and welcome distraction from sadness and grief, or they can really drive you crazy. If it's been 18 years since you last had a kitten, you have probably forgotten just how mad and full-on they can be. There is no shame in realising you can't cope at the moment, you're not ready, or you made a big mistake. There is no shame in recognising what's best for an animal and giving it the chance of a better life than you are able to give, for whatever reason.

But your situation reminds me of me, when my special girl died. Someone needed to rehome a cat that was living outside. I knew I couldn't give all that love to another cat yet (in the end it was 3 years before I could give my heart to another cat) but we did have a vacancy at home, so I agreed to take her on condition that other people in the household stepped up and that she would be my partner's responsibility, not mine. She was one of the sweetest cats I have ever known and we bonded, but I couldn't cope with the burden of responsibility. Does this ring any bells for you? Do you think if you can set some boundaries in your mind it might help you cope?

Give yourself an easier time around food by creating a ritual, putting him out of the kitchen before you start with food, don't wait until he becomes a pain and you become frustrated and put him out. Plan ahead - food? Cat out first, wash hands, then start. Perhaps get him a treat dispensing toy and give him that before you shut him out so he learns this is the boundary. Do not whatever you do give in, he will only learn that persistence pays - if the answer's no, it stays no. Ignore means ignore, no matter how much he yells - if he wants attention first he will try anything to get it and if you stand firm he will drop the behaviours that don't get him the attention he wants.

Which makes you feel more guilty, the thought of having to give him up, or ignoring him, shutting him out of a room, etc? Is there anyone who can give you some practical help in the early weeks? You might find it helpful to talk to the Blue Cross pet bereavement support service https://www.bluecross.org.uk/pet-bereav ... aUQAvD_BwE - it's their expertise, along with behaviour issues, and they should be able to work with you to help you with both loss and overwhelm. You can also talk through things with them because if you do decide to return the kitten you are likely to then feel guilty and try to get him back again and it could be worse than keeping him. Whereas talking things through could help you make the right decision and get the right support.

No you are a brave person for saying you don't think you can cope or give a little life the life it deserves, and maybe that's exactly what makes you the right person to love a little soul in need of rescue. Maybe you both need each other.
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Re: Sad and Stressed and Overwhelmed

Post by Joe_Danger »

Read my "found a month old kitten, now what (the kitten was 3 weeks or less than 3 weeks old actually)" topic it will help shed some light maybe
Some kittens are so insanely hyper, but that's ok, those cats usually grow up to be very smart and loving cats.
I know it can be overwhelming but you're in a good position because you don't have any other cats for the kitten to pester.
If it's hyper it's hyper, it'll be hyper for a year or two and after that it should settle down.

From your description he sounds JUST like Spaska, the kitten I found.
She plays for hours on end, nonstop, but I'm ok with that, I absolutely don't mind.
I'm teaching her not to use her claws when playing and not to bite but I'm still full of scratches because she does it by accident even tho she knows to grab your hand and stuff withut using her claws now. I teach her not to play with people's hands, feet and so forth but it is by no means going well, granted she quickly learned not to use her claws but when she loses her mind...boy oh boy.
I'm 38, have had kittens before even non persian cats and never seen or experienced anything this hyper. I've accepted that she is extremely high energy, the other cats have as well but we ended up having a different problem with her bothering the adults in the litterboxes so we're strugging with that now with my oldest cat (she was insanely hyper too as a kitten, never seen a persian like that)

So my point is, if you can, and I know it's a lot of work, accept the kitten for the way he is and provide as much play as you can but don't overwhelm yourself. The kitten won't hurt itself unless you live in a building on the 3rd floor and above and it falls out a window or the balcony, but a simple window screen solution would solve that issue.

You're not an awful person, far from it and while I know you can't just flip a switch and make those feelings go away, you have to understand that you're facing something you've never faced before, even if you have worked with animals, hyperactive kittens like this can be and are overwhelming but feeling the way you do doesn't make YOU wrong. Just be glad you don't have other cats to worry about and don't go down that rabbit hole where you keep thinking you're doing something wrong and that's why the kitten acts the way it does....dude it's just a hyperactive kitten and if you have to shut it in a different room when eating I can assure you it will not affect the kitten one bit. We've done it with Mila, the mom cat many times, we've done with Spaska, our doors don't hold and they open them but they often find something else to do while we eat and all is well, plus we don't ALWAYS do it, only if they go overboard.

There's nothing your kitten does that's out of the ordinary.

When I brought Mila home, she was 4 months old, I had just lost my prior persian, Anastasia.
Mila was so hyper I had never seen anything like it, especially not in a persian. But not having other cats I was ok with it.

She'd climb EVERYWHERE
she'd jump on windows thinking she could jump through
She'd literally wall run like in a video game ffs
I have a massive massive retro and modern game collection, can YOU guess what was happening to my video games for almost 2 years straight? :)

She even got in my, at the time work computer
DSC03228.jpg
I got her June of 2014
This is 2015, she is pregnant with Casper, Kala, Medo and Marko here
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August 2014, she still does this 7.5 years old tho now she is generally a very calm cat
DSC03310.JPG
You have no idea how HYPER this cat was
now little Spaska tops even that :)

Here's Mila giving Spaska tips on how to annoy everyone more this morning, they like each other except when Spaska goes and sniffs Mila's bum as she does her business
IMG_3698LR.jpg
So trust me, your kitten is in good hands
just accept him for the way he is, don't worry he won't hurt himself, he will grow out of it
have fun, don't worry about having to shut him out, it'll be fine

it's not ok to PUNISH them or to shut them out by making that some kinda stressful thing
but just dropping them off in another room as if it's nothing will be just fine


EDIT:
Also cats tend to be drama queens about shut doors if they're not used to them
at least mine are
I closed the door to my computer room now so Mila can get some R&R from Spaska, get her bathroom stuff done in peace in this new litterbox and all.....Spaska has been wailing outisde the room just because the door is closed even tho she has the ENTIRE apartment to herself, plus her favorite person to annoy, Casper is there with her.
It's just the way cats are sometimes, then I heard her run off playing with something.
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fjm
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Re: Sad and Stressed and Overwhelmed

Post by fjm »

Lots of good advice, but if when you look long and hard into your heart you feel that the time is not right for a kitten and you need more time to live with your sadness there is no shame in admitting you made a mistake and asking the rescue to find the little one another home. Tilly was returned by her first owners + she was a bad fit for their circumstances, but after a few weeks in foster slotted into my family immediately and has had the happiest of lives. I had another little cat who wanted to spend her life with someone who was home all day and had lots of children to visit - like you I felt that I had made a commitment and did my best to make her happy, but as I was single and working long hours I could not give her what she really needed. Looking back I should have found her a home that was a better fit... There are still many people wanting cats, and kittens especially, so he would not have long to wait.
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Ruth B
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Re: Sad and Stressed and Overwhelmed

Post by Ruth B »

The others have already said so much and i can only echo what has been said.

The first thing I want to emphasize though, is you are not a terrible person, you are really the opposite. You are grieving for the death of a family member, (people who don't have pets don't always understand just how much a part of the family they are), so your emotions are going to be in turmoil for how ever long the grieving process takes, and it is different for everyone. You picked up the kitten on the rebound, so to speak, thinking it would help you get over your loss, and now your concern has turned from your own wellbeing to the kitten's, you are more concerned about whether you can currently give it the attention and love it needs, while still going through the mourning process. You are not a terrible person, you are a very caring, and unselfish person.

Whether you keep the kitten is only something you can decide, but I have to ask if the other two cats have accepted him, any inter cat conflict could raise everyone's stress levels enormously. if they have accepted him, then you have to decide whether you can give him a good home, maybe not instantly as good as you think you should be able to, but a good one none the less. As has been said, you have to learn to think about what you need to do when you have a kitten around. The youngest I've had was 6 months old and they were still quite a handful, and there were lessons learnt that i still do, things like always rinsing off a sharp knife that has been used for food preparation before it goes inthe washing up bowl, putting plates in the bowl face down, while i don't have a problem with a cat licking a plate, i don't want them just helping themselves if I can discourage it, and of course I never leave food out on the side to cool, it is just asking for one of them to help themselves. However in a way they aren't bad habits to have got into. If yours is constantly trying to jump on the side when you are doing things in the kitchen then shut him out, he won't come to any harm from not being in with you, even though his yelling might make your think he feels his life is over, don't give in. Another trick is to give him somewhere high to sit where he can see what you are doing and make sure he knows that he is allow t sit there and while it will be hard for a while a quiet 'no' when he tries to get onto the side or to your plate and then put him back in his place with out any fuss. When you have finished what you are doing, and if he is still in his place then give him a big fuss so he knows he has been a good boy.

Also i will add as has been mentioned before the toys that dispense dried food slowly can be a godsend when you have a hyper active cat who is food orientated, it might seem like it would just frustrate them but it can actually give them hours of amusement while at the same time rewarding them for the effort they put in.

In the end though you have to make the decision, however i will say, give yourself time to make it rationally. When you are grieving it is easy to act irrationally, as you already know, you can sort this out in a way that is best for everyone, but you need to try and think about it when you aren't feeling quite so stressed and emotional, and if there is anyone you could talk to about it, even the phone line Mollycat mentioned, it would be worth doing so.
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