Did I do the right thing?

[Hannah1980]

Apologies if this is long but I have a tendency to waffle.

Back story - I lost my ginger boy back in 2014 very suddenly following a cat fight (he was just 4). Almost a year later I decided I would be a cat fostered and was asked if I could look after 2 cats who had been taken to the vet by their owner who told them they didn’t want them and wanted to have them both put to sleep. This infuriates me because both cats were seemingly in good health.
I took the cats on and they were both beautiful - Milko, the youngest was 4, pure white and had different coloured eyes and Honey was 10 and a fluffy tabby with the most beautiful big green eyes. A month after having the cats Milko developed an infection and it was discovered later that she had developed urinary crystals. I had only had the cats a few weeks when I decided I wanted to keep them both because they were gorgeous and got on so well and were lovely natured. Sadly just before the adoption took place, Milko had to be put to sleep as she had gone downhill rapidly so I was with her at the end. I went ahead and adopted Honey then the following year I was temporarily looking after a friends cat who pretty much said she didn’t want her back - the new cat and Honey didn’t get on at all at first but learned to tolerate each other so it was me and “my girls”.

In 2019 I had to take some urine samples from Honey and she had developed urinary crystals so I put her on a special diet which she remained on.
2 weeks ago she went off her food for a couple of days but picked up again - I had a phone call from my vets about their upcoming vaccinations and I asked for some advice and moved her onto urinary food which is also gastrointestinal.

This past week I developed a horrible chest infection and my GP said to get a covid test despite having 4 negative lateral flows so I couldn’t leave my flat until I got the results.

Honey seemed not good again on Thursday and Friday she was really lethargic and just not doing good at all. I don’t drive and I was awaiting my covid results so was stuck but yesterday I called the vets and got an appointment. In my heart I knew things were bad - she had stopped eating completely and even though she was on a restrictive diet I was trying her with anything. She had stopped eating and drinking and wanted to be left alone.

I took her to the vets Witt my sister who drove me although I wasn’t able to go inside due to their covid regulations. The vet examined Honey and said she was really poorly - she was badly dehydrated and he found a mass in her abdomen and said it was likely to be cancer.
He then said I could take her to the out of hours practice where she would be given fluids and they would need to do blood tests, biopsies, X-rays etc to investigate further but also said this could all happen and there was a real possibility she could die regardless and he then said there was the option of having her put to sleep. I went back to the car in a state and talked to my sister and one of her friends on speakerphone who has been in the same situation. I have always done what is best for my cats and I didn’t want to give up on Honey but at 16 she was a good age and my gut was telling me to let her go.

I then spoke to a vet nurse who bought her out so I could say goodbye as I couldn’t be with her at the end. When they took her in I lost it - even my sister hugged me and she is the least huggy person I know. A little while later the nurse came out with Honey wrapped up and said she cuddled her and it was peaceful (I’m not crying typing this). When I was talking to the vet prior to making the decision I was trying to gauge what he would do but I know they will never say but he did make it clear that further tests could result in my Honey passing anyway. The vet nurse was lovely and she reassured me that I had done the right thing. Honey was 16 and had 6.5 years with me - she was the most gentle cat and the most “normal” one I’ve owned - she was so ladylike whereas my other girl is the opposite and licks her bits on the damn windowsill!
Honey was an absolute sweetheart with a gentle nature and helped me through some difficult times including when my boyfriend passed away back in 2018 and when we lost Milko.

I guess I need some honesty and reassurance that I’ve done the right thing - last night the guilt hit and I was questioning my decision. This week has just been awful and the only downside to owning a pet is when you have to say goodbye. I’m absolutely heart broken.

Thank you for reading

[fjm]

Yes, you did the right thing. Even had you been able to get her to the vet sooner it would have made very little difference if it was a cancerous mass; the tests are intrusive and the treatment can be very expensive and very debilitating, and only makes a small difference in any case. The vet nurse sounds lovely and very kind - I am sure she cuddled Honey and murmured to her just as you would have done. Vets do not propose euthanasia unless there no other options that are in the cat's best interests - you did the hardest, kindest thing and let Honey go before her suffering became extreme.

[Ruth B]

You did the right thing, and it is perfectly normal to feel guilty and question yourself afterwards, that is all part of the grieving process.

No vet I have ever known will opt for euthanasia if there is other option available that has at least a reasonable chance of helping the animal. The way you got Milko and Honey supports that, they were taken to a vets to be put to sleep and my guess would be the vet refused.
Yes you could have taken Honey and had all manner of tests done and she could have spent what was probably her last days among strangers being poked and prodded and stressed out, and I have a strong feeling no matter what they found the outcome would have been the same. As it was she spent her last days with you, and then while you couldn't be in with her, the vet nurse sounds lovely and i've no doubt made sure that Honey was happy and relaxed as she went to her final sleep.

My own cat has given me some scares over the last few years and last year the vet thought she could feel a lump in her abdomen, but wasn't entirely certain so it was a case of taking her back a few weeks later for a follow up, when fortunately they couldn't find it again. However over those few weeks we faced the possibility that we would loose Tiggy to whatever it was, we also decided that at about 17 we would not put her through any invasive testing, if the vet said there was a lump we would take their word for it and call it day for her. She is still with us but now on permanent medication for bladder and kidney problems, when i can get her to take the medication in food she has it, but when she won't she misses a dose (the vet did say it didn't matter if she missed dose), i don't want to end up fighting her for what might be he last days trying to force a tablet down her, it might mean her time with us is more limited, but as long as her days are happy and she gives the impression she wants to live, I will do my best to help her, I can only hope when the time comes to say good bye she tells me clearly she has had enough.

[Mollycat]

You gave Honey all you had to give and in the end when there was nothing anyone could give to make her better, you gave her the final ultimate gift we have to give, to let her go in peace, free from pain and distress, putting her welfare in first place above your wish for her to stay forever.

These decisions are never easy, especially when they are put upon us so suddenly, and those what-ifs queue up to give us a beating at every new passing thought. The guilt and if-onlys are a natural and important part of the grieving process. You know deep down you did the right thing for Honey with nothing but love in your heart, the reassurance you seek is comfort from the pain of your loss. You did better than right, the decision you made was tremendously brave and selfless.

I am so sad for you that you couldn't be with her to the very end. Many vets have been making an exception for those end of life moments, I am sorry your vets were not able to offer you that. Take good care of you, I hope you can find a lovely way to honour Honey's memory that will help your grieving journey.

[Hannah1980]

I just want to say a huge thank you for the replies that I have received - your kind words mean so much at this difficult time.
I have an appointment at 5pm with the pet crematorium - my sister lost her beloved Labrador in Feb at the age of 17 and we are taking Honey to the same place - strangely my 2 previous cats are scattered in their gardens as there was errors which I won’t go into meaning I never got their ashes so I hope I will be able to see where they are.

Although I was devastated that I couldn’t be with Honey at the end, the vet nurse was amazing - I believe she is newly qualified so I plan on sending an email to my vet survey to say thank you to the kind nurse.
I haven’t seen Honey since she passed - the nurse wrapped her in a towel and, because I wasn’t there at the end I didn’t want my last image of her being gone - I know at the crematorium you are allowed time to say goodbye but I honestly don’t think I can face it - Honey had lost a lot of weight and I want to remember her in better times - I’ve spoken to both my sisters about it and they agree. Being able to have Honeys ashes will be significant because like I said I didn’t get my other other 2 cats ashes. I did consider scattering her where my other 2 are but it’s not something I can face and if it had been down to me I would have my other 2 cats ashes in my home with me.
I know in my heart that if I see Honey it will play on my mind - I’ve been with previous pets that have been put to sleep and I’ve witnessed the death of my mum and grandmother. Typically I have negative coping skills but I’m trying to be as positive as I can and plan to do a custom diamond art painting of Honey as diamond art is something I love so to have one with her on would be lovely.

Honey was on urinary food and just last week the vet nurse recommended switching her to gastrointestinal food with s/o to help with crystals - I got 24 pouches and have one box of 12 unopened and the rest of the pouches remaining from the other box - this food can be expensive and I really don’t want to bin it - I don’t want any money for the food but wondered if it is worth contacting my local cats protection to see if they can make use of it.

[fjm]

I am sure your local rescue would be very grateful for the food - they will have older cats that may well need it. I think you are wise not to see Honey's body - everything that made her Honey has flown from it, some to rest in your heart forever, some to play in the wind and the sunshine and the stars. A piece of art to commemorate her is a lovely idea.

[Mollycat]

My local rescue has had a ton of food over the years, that cats have turned their noses up at. It's a lovely gift.

Not sure if you would consider having a piece of jewellery made from some of Honey's ashes? They usually need just a teaspoon and add any colour you like to make a unique piece of glass that is then set as a jewel or small ornament. You can also get a photo frame with a special little drawer for ashes. Something really special for her.

[Hannah1980]

I find the ashes to jewellery really interesting and something I would definitely think about.
I took Honey wrapped up in her carrier to the pet crematorium today - the lady asked if I wanted to say goodbye but I broke down and explained that I couldn’t - the lady that I saw was lovely but I’m now sitting at home just crying, missing my sweet girl so much.
I will be picking her ashes up next Monday and they are going to get some fur clippings for me to keep and an ink less pawprint. I’ve gone for a lovely tribute box for her ashes with a plaque with her name on it. I’m sat here bawling my eyes out - my cats are my life. I live alone and don’t have children and my last boyfriend passed away in 2018 aged just 39. I have my other cat who is utterly crazy and I love her to bits but I miss Honey so much. I am glad that she is no longer in any pain and it gives me comfort that she will be reunited with the cat I fostered with her as they were very close.

Again thank you for the replies - I very much appreciate it