separating bonded cats-rehome both or keep one?

[sophiej]

Very long story short, I have two year old cats that I got for my special needs child who is an animal lover. We adopted the sibling cats as a pair and have had them for a year and a half. One of the cats intermittently pees out of the box- she has ruined a chair and I've had to clean urine from my couch, rugs, comforter, clean laundry in the basket, and on and on. When this first started, she went on anti-anxiety medication. It helped but overall the problem still crops up despite doing all.the.things. I've taken her to the vet to check for underlying conditions and the tests always come back all clear. I feel like I'm losing my mind because I never know when it will happen. My anxious cat is bonded to her brother, whom we adore. I have stressed about whether to rehome the anxious cat and keep the male but I am unsure if this would cause behavior problems or depression in the male. They romp around daily, often nap together, groom each other etc.

I can't be sure what it is about my home that doesn't work for my anxious cat. We are in a smallish space and I have two grade school-aged kids. Maybe the house is too loud, maybe the house is too small, maybe the cats want to be outside and can't. I can only guess but I can't go on like this for years, never knowing when I will have to steam clean the rug.

Is the best solution to find a home for both cats together? I worry a lot about the possibility that the anxious cat will only get more anxious on it's own and/or that the easy cat will develop problems if separated from her. I've stressed about this endlessly and need to make a choice.

[Mollycat]

Bless your loving heart for putting so much thought and effort into doing the best for them even at this stage when you know you can't keep them or her, many people would just think it's no longer their problem.

I think the answers to your questions should reveal themselves, ironically, by getting to the bottom of why. Everything could just happen to fall into place for everyone if you get lucky with your choice, but if we can help you maybe figure out what's going on it might become clearer what the cats want.

You say they are very bonded, and they play, sleep and groom together, but is there a dominance in their games? Does one more often end up being chased than the other? Is one more often getting pinned down? Does one like to sit casually in doorways and on stairs, or next to a litter tray or food bowl? For that matter how many litter trays do you have? (As an aside, I was forced recently to buy a scented litter, it looks and feels identical to the usual but my Molly would not use it at all because it smelled wrong) What is outside, is it because of dangers they can't go out or is there no physical access? I'm wondering if there could be something outside stressing her.

On the other hand you refer to her as an anxious cat, what other signs of anxiety does she show?

Does she only pee on soft surfaces you have mentioned, or sometimes direct on a hard floor? Is it possible one of the kids could have startled her in a litter tray some time?

[susand]

Oh dear, I really feel for you. I once had a cat that peed outside the box and it’s a nightmare, I know. I can’t advise what to do for the best. If your cats are bonded it would be cruel to separate them, I think. Also, the chances of rehoming a cat with litter issues is not great. However, if they go as a pair it will also affect your other cat’s chances of rehoming as few people will want him if it means they also have to take a cat that pees in the house. If girl cat’s issues can be sorted by putting them with a fosterer in a different environment, which is less stressful for her, then in the long run it might be better to go for this option. But that’s a very big ‘if’, even assuming the rescue they go to even have suitable fosterers available.

There are other posts on here advising different strategies to try and stop a cat peeing where it’s not supposed to so it might be an idea to look at those to make sure you’ve covered all bases with regards to things to try that might help. Other than that, I can’t offer any solution I’m afraid, other than to sympathise with your difficult situation.

[sophiej]

Thank you both for your kind responses. I am a first time poster here and didn't know if I would get any responses at all.

Mollycat-that's an interesting question about whether one is more dominant. I'd say the male cat definitely initiates play more and my female (the anxious one) usually lays down and plays from her back, swatting up at him, whereas he jumps on her. I recently met the sibling cats of a friend and one is definitely dominant. It sort of mounts the other and chomps on it's neck for an extended period. I had never seen anything like that in my cats in terms of dominance so it seems pretty equal to me, though I'm not sure if I'm looking for the right things.

As far as outside access, I'm in a small house without a place to put an outside enclosure. We can walk the cats in the yard on leash (my kids love doing this) but we can't just let the cats out in the yard as there is an aggressive dog next door that can jump over the fence.

As far as her anxious behaviors, she tends to crouch down a lot and hide under furniture. If someone knocks at the door, she bolts, whereas my other cat might stick around and see what's going on. She has opened up quite a bit since we got her- she likes to sit on my lap when I'm working but doesn't really love to be picked up.

She always pees in soft places but we have ruled out UTIs. No, I don't believe my kids would have startled her when using the box. She tends to use it when no one is around and one is in an area where my kids don't go at all.

Susand- thank you. I'll look at the other posts though I feel like I have tried all of the reasonable things. I'm not sure if more independence/outside time or just a different environment would be better for my anxious cat. I definitely understand she might be tough to rehome. I also just wonder if she wouldn't have issues in another place. Maybe it's my rowhouse with shared walls and unexpected noises...maybe it's my kids who are too loud...I just have no idea.

Thank you again!

[fjm]

If she is rolling and he is pouncing that would worry me a little - rolling is often a defensive position for a cat. Does she remove herself from play when she can, or restart the game when he backs off?

[Mollycat]

Rolling can also be very aggressive though, context is key - but given all the other behaviours I'd say not in this case.

It sounds likely she is feeling bullied and might well do better as an only cat, but would still be a tough one to rehome, and if the boy is closer to your kids and she is nervous anyway perhaps a quiet home with one or perhaps two adults might give her the opportunity to grow in confidence. But where to find such a home that would accept her just as she is with no guarantees, that is a tough one.

Just out of interest, considering how much you have already spent on vet bills to no avail, I checked out Jackson Galaxy's remote consultation prices and if he could help you it would be money well spent. I personally am not a fan of his but he does achieve results for thousands of desperate owners. Perhaps one last big effort and consult with him, before taking the step of parting with a much loved family member?