Putting my cat to sleep TOMORROW - worried it's not right

[Rectangle]

Hello again, forum

I need help with this. Please bear with my long post.

I have arranged for the vet to come to my home tomorrow to put my sixteen-year-old cat to sleep.
I feel like it is the right thing, but I also feel like I am about to murder the creature that has been at my side night and day for sixteen years; I feel like I am betraying her lifelong trust in me by doing this.

I will provide the details in the hope that someone might be able to give any help or guidance in this matter.
I realise that sometimes when a person poses such a question they very often present the details in a subjective manner that leads to reinforcement from others. I don’t want to do that, although I will undoubtedly stray into that area. Please be frank, and decide what is subjective and what is not.

My cat, Buffy, a sixteen-year-old tortoiseshell and white, was diagnosed with squamous cell carcinoma (a cancerous tumour in her mouth) on 1 June this year.
Over the last three months, as the tumour has grown, the amount of food she is able to consume has steadily dwindled to next to nothing—she can manage to get down a few licks of food with great effort but that is all. She has been unable to groom herself since her diagnosis.
Since her diagnosis, she has gone from being slightly overweight to not having any fat at all on her. I can almost touch my thumb and forefinger together when placing my hand on her spine and feeling her belly.
The food drop-off has been gradual but dwindled to next to nothing the beginning of last week. From weds-fri she was only managing a few licks and generally looked depressed and a bit slow and floppy in her movements, although she was still able to drink.

Given her weight, mood, and inability to eat, I felt like it was time and duly called the vet on Friday to see if they could come out Monday (the earliest time they could), with the provision that if there was some improvement I would delay.
They could not make an appointment on the Monday but made a provisional for tomorrow, Thursday.

On Saturday she showed no signs of improvement; she was managing only a few licks of food and still generally looked depressed and floppy.

On Sunday, after I gave her a bath, she managed to consume enough of her food that she perked up a bit (she always goes right for the food after doing something she doesn’t like: a bath, trip to the vets, etc.). With her coat looking good and a bit of food in her, she seemed in a much better place.

On Monday all of that changed. She would not eat anything I put out. She yowled all day and through the night.
I tried all kinds of combinations of foods to no avail.
She stopped eating her regular food a month or so ago, since then I have tried her out on all kinds of different foods in a number of different ways with some or no success (all of it blended to a liquid consistency, sometimes with water, sometimes with milk, sometimes with cat milk).
She liked fresh fish, until she didn’t.
She liked fresh chicken, until she didn’t.
She liked red meats, white meats, all different kinds of cat food, until she didn’t.
She doesn’t like anything now.

Monday, I tried her with about fourteen different variations of chicken/water, chicken/cat milk, cat foods/water, fish/water, fish/milk, all to no avail.
Tuesday was the same, she yowled all day and night desperate for food, but not consuming anything I would give her.
I tried feeding her with a syringe, but because of the location of the tumour, I can only access one side of her mouth, and when I get in there she does not swallow the food, she just lets it dribble out.

This morning, she was again yowling. She has been yowling pitifully since Monday, and it breaks my damn heart.
Although, this afternoon she settled a bit after a bath and getting down a tiny bit of turkey mixed with milk.
Although, she’s already off it now. She will not eat any more of it.

Also, because the tumour has forced her mouth further and further open, when she drinks her nostrils are going into the liquid and she keeps snorting into her drinks as she breathes the liquids in. Sometimes this makes her wheeze ever so slightly.

Also, it’s been two weeks since she last defecated; she urinates maybe once every two days.

I know that in her current physical condition, with no body weight on her, with her inability to eat, and her desperation to do so, that she is going to suffer some kind of kidney or liver trouble very soon. I would spare her this pain. I would spare her the constant hunger.

But the light is still in her eyes. She is still there. How can I end her life when the light is still in her eyes?
I would spare her all her current discomfort/hunger and the pain of what will undoubtedly come very soon, but I can’t shake the feeling that I’m doing the wrong thing, because the light is still in her eyes.

If you need any more information, I will be happy to provide it.

[Lilith]

I think you're doing the right thing. The light is still in her eyes because Buffy will go on being Buffy after her body dies. From what you describe you're doing the right thing; you've done your best and beyond but you need to let her go now. So very very sorry to read, all the best x

[Kay]

this is a very distressing post, and from what you say I wouldn't hesitate for another moment - she cannot get better and can only get worse

you are not killing her, or betraying her - you are saving her from further pain and distress because you love her

far better to let her go whilst she still has that light in her eye, and before she is in extremis - at least this way she will know you are with her and she will still be able to accept what comfort you can give her

please don't waver - be strong for her and for yourself

[Rectangle]

Thank you both.
Yes, I have to remember i am saving her from pain and suffering.

I can't believe this is finally happening though. She's all i've got. I'm really struggling with the morality of this. I know it is right, but...

my heart is breaking.

Tonight's going to be my last night with her.

[booktigger]

I'm sorry to hear this, but it sounds like the right decision, you are taking her pain away from her.

[Grace56]

I am so sorry, Rectangle. It must be heartbreaking for you and I can understand how you feel.

Your darling Buffy has given you sixteen years of love and companionship and you have been her loving human.

Doing this will be your last act of love for her, and although it is undoubtedly painful for you, it is the kindest thing for Buffy.

My thoughts are with you at this very difficult time.

Bless you and your Buffy.

Grace xx

[Rectangle]

Thanks for replying.

booktigger, i hope it is the right decision, and even if it is i'm never going to be able to reconcile myself to it

grace56, i will try to remember this. My last act of love. Damn why's it have to be my last?

Thank you all for your messages. i won't be back on again tonight.

Goodnight.

[Ruth B]

I have to back up what the others have said and that a quiet end with you holding her is the best thing you can give her now.

Making this decision is one of the hardest things that we pet owners ever have to do, but at least we can. One lesson I learned at a young age, when the first cat we had developed stomach cancer was that we did not have to let him starve to death, drawn out by the indignity of tubes feeding into him, which is what it would have been if it had been a human. We could offer him peace, and that is what Buffy needs now.

I know you won't feel ready for a bit, but remember that there are plenty of cats in rescue shelters that would appreciate the loving home you could offer. None will ever be Buffy, but they are all their own individual and one can help fill the gap when you feel you are ready.

Give her a love and cuddle from me and let her go.

[Crewella]

I absolutely agree with the others, and I have also had a cat with oral cancer. The best advice I have been given on here, in a similar situation to yours, was 'better a day too early than a day too late' - that helped me a lot. She is on her way out, you are simply saving her from further suffering. Thinking of you both. (((hugs)))

[bobbys girl]

I can't add any more to what has already been said. Just know that we are thinking about you both - you are doing the right thing for her.

Gentle fusses to Buffy and big ((Hugs)) to you.

[elastu]

I am so sorry. I feel you have made the right decision and it is your final act of kindness you can do for the little one. Take care.

[GillianH]

After reading this I have tears in my eyes which is not good as I am at work.

Poor poor Buffy

I know exactly what you mean by saying the light in her eyes is still there as I too had to make a similar decision with two of my much loved cats over the past few years.

God bless Buffy and yourself too.

[Rectangle]

Thank you all for your love and well wishes.

Last night Buffy wouldn’t settle for hunger. I tried everything, and none of it worked.
She is the same today.
The time is right, if she doesn’t go now she’s going to suffer.
They are coming in a few hours.

My heartis broken.

[Crewella]

Just remember you're doing this out of love, stay strong. (((hugs)))

[Kay]

this is the absolute worst time - I think you will find the anguish lessens when you know her suffering is over

the sense of loss will of course be enormous, but I have always believed it is a price worth paying tenfold for the pleasure and love they give us during the years we share with them

[JulieJulie]

OMG I felt sick for you reading this. I'm so sorry. I've just been through this a couple of weeks ago. I'm so sorry I didn't see this yesterday.

Right up to the time the vet came I felt the same as you but as soon as he left, she just looked so peaceful and I knew I had done the right thing.

If you are still around, please let me know. I hope I can help you through this x

[bobbys girl]

Thinking of you. xx

[Rectangle]

She’s gone.
It was the right time.
She seemed really dejected yesterday, and when the vet and nurse came she didn’t seem to react to their presence, which is strange for her.
Just before they came she settled down without fuss, which she hasn’t being doing the last few days. She looked, to my mind, ready.

I think I went into shock afterwards.
And I know that the people of this board know that a cat is not ‘just a cat’ but can mean more to you than people, and she does mean more to me, so I know you understand that when I say i was in shock I don’t say it lightly. I was completely lost.

Thank you all for your messages. I do gain some little comfort in your words and experiences of the same, and they help help reaffirm what I already knew. That I did the right thing.

But i am overcome with grief

Even when she’s being an annoying nag she still makes me laugh.
I genuinely loved her more each day. I hope I still will.
It’s going to be hard without her.

Goodnight my beautiful little Buffy.

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[Rectangle]

i want her back. I feel like i'm in the wrong reality. it's too much.

i'm never going to see her again.

[bobbys girl]

So very sorry for your loss.

I do understand what you mean by the shock of it all. I remember the shock of hearing that Bob was FIV+, that awful, sick .... heartache, that's the word. A very PHYSICAL heartache.

There should be some comfort knowing she is not suffering anymore. RIP beautiful girl.

Sympathy and ((Hugs)) to you.

Sue xx

PS No, not never. Love never dies. I really believe the strong bonds we have cannot be broken and someday, in some way we will meet our loved ones again.

[Ruth B]

I was thinking about you all day yesterday and hoping it all went peacefully.

Cry your tears with out shame, you have lost a family member, and anyone who belittles it has never know the love of a pet.

You will never forget her, but eventually the memories of the good times will overshadow the sad ones.

Run free now Buffy, you were a beautiful girl.

Big Hugs to you Rectangle.

[GillianH]

Again I am in tears reading this.

What a beautiful girl she looked.

Sometimes when our pets are ill we want to keep them for a bit longer for us and not for them so making the decision to let Buffy go was very brave indeed.

You will want her back, that is only natural, but you did the right thing as she was a very poorly girl and from what you described in a lot pain.

I have been through this experience so can totally emphasise with how you are feeling.

You have lost a dear friend who has been with you for 16 years. That is a long time and anyone who belittles you and says "it's only a cat" should be ashamed of themselves.

Thinking of you. X

[Rectangle]

I thank you all for thinking of me and Buffy and for taking the time to write words of comfort.

I don't believe in god or an afterlife but i still hope that she is waiting for me somewhere. in fact, i had taken to telling her about such a place in her final days. A small green valley hidden away, with a small cottage hidden between two hills. A green valley full of wildflowers and shady trees, with no other people, no predators. In the garden, amongst the wildflowers, would be a tree stump that would catch the sun in the summer months and be her spot to laze away on soaking up the sun as mayflies danced about her. In the snowy winter months, I would chop wood on the stump as she watched me keenly from the upstairs window, kneading her paws as she straightened herself up. Then at night, i would sit before the fire reading a book while she was curled up next to me.
I hope that that place exists and that she is in the window looking out for my arrival.

i've never felt this level of pain over losing someone before.

[Grace56]

I am sorry for your loss, Rectangle. I know just what losing a much loved cat feels like. They are our family, our friends and part of us.
The sense of loss and emptiness is truly awful and we imagine it will never end.
But it will one day and until then, we grieve how we must and for as long as it takes, without shame, but with love.

She is a very beautiful girl and her spirit shines.

My thoughts are with you at this very sad time.

Take care and,

rest well, dear Buffy. xx

[JulieJulie]

I wrote a reply earlier but don't see it on here now, sorry.

You are in the right place for those who understand your loss.

I believe very strongly in a spirit world, and I've had some 'signs' that I have chosen to take of reinforcement of this, both from previous pets and also from my much love mum, who brought me up to love and respect animals.

The pain of loss is very real. Write out all your memories of Buffy, print out all your photos, pick your favourite and keep close to you - in your purse, on your bedside table. Look into her eyes in that beautiful photo before you go to sleep at night and she will stay close to you.

Remember how peaceful she was after she had passed over to that special place, and know that you simply had no choice - it was the only thing you could have done. I held onto my Lucy for 3 months after her diagnosis of squamous cell carcinoma. Her last few days were so difficult. They send us such mixed messages. Looks like you had Buffy for the same amount of time. Unfortunately this cruel illness is very predictable. You absolutely did the right thing. I looked in my Lucys mouth on her last morning before I finally had the vet out and how she was still trying to eat with it so bad made my heart scream with the unfairness of it. I think she was trying to keep going for me. I also believe she knew the vet was coming. Just before he came, I was thinking I would have to put a towel on the bed and just then she got up and used the litter tray, like she knew what I was thinking. Such graceful, proud creatures, we have to let them go with their dignity.

I once read somewhere that we have to take the pain in order that our pets don't have to - how very, very true that is.

Sending you many heartfelt thoughts and a <hug>

[Lilith]

So very very sorry.

Neither you nor anyone else could have stopped that cancer growing and though you were grieving already before she went, it makes no difference to the grief and loss now. I know what you mean by this being the worst bereavement you've had - I too experienced a similar bereavement after the loss of my Tess nearly 10 years ago, still much missed. Buffy is just like Tess - I often asked Tess who'd designed her face.

Grief is a very cruel process, I think because it stirs up all the losses we've had in the past, along with anger, guilt - why do we feel guilt? You loved her all her life and let her go free of the body that was tormenting her. If only every cat on the planet could have the level of love and care that Buffy has had from you.

Sleep tight beautiful Buffy, hugs to you, Rectangle and yes everyone here does understand x

[Crewella]

I agree with Lilith, I see so many unloved and unwanted cats - she was very lucky to have had you looking after her. I understand your grief, but please don't be hard on yourself as you absolutely did your best for her. Rest in peace beautiful girl. xx

[Rectangle]

I can't respond properly right now, but i am reading your messages and getting something out of all of them, for which i am grateful.

I'm going to pick up her ashes now and bring her remains home.

Thank you all from the bottom of my heart.

[Rectangle]

Thank you to everyone who took the time to offer me advice and words of comfort, Lilith, Kay, booktigger, Grace56, Ruth B, Crewella, bobbys girl, elastu, GillianH and JulieJulie.

I wish the days would move faster so I could be further away from this pain, but on the other hand, I wish time would not move at all, for every day takes me further away in time from my Buffy being alive.

It’s amazing how cats respond to pain or discomfort. They are so stoic and steadfast, bearing their pain in silence. They adapt to their changing body without complaint, they learn to work around their pain so quickly. They endure, and they never give up.
I wish I could be more like my Buffy when it comes to my emotional pain. I don’t mean bottling it up, but adapting to it, enduring in the face of it.
I will try, for her. But i am lost to grief.

I find myself pleading for a sign that she’s someplace else, even though I don’t believe it. But I want to.

JulieJulie, would you be willing to share some stories of the signs you’ve received, and also what a person has to do to get them?

[Lilith]

Hi there, Rectangle, yes, this is a dreadful time. I wish (and I'm sure so do all of us) that I could manage to take the pain away; it is an appalling thing to bear, but you DID do the right thing, you really did.

I don't know if this helps but once when I lost a cat (sudden acute kidney failure - pts) I found myself thinking, now she's safe. Whatever happens. And these lines from WB Yeats' 'Wanderings of Oisin' - I know it mentions youth but somehow cats never seem to grow old.

'But we are apart in the grassy places,
Where care cannot alter the least of our days,
Or the softness of youth be gone from our faces,
Or love's first tenderness die from our gaze.
The hare grows old as she plays in the sun,
And looks around her with eyes of brightness.
Before the swift things she dreamed of were done,
She limps along in an aged whiteness...

'But the love-dew dims our eyes till the day
When God shall come out of the sea with a sigh
And bid the stars drop out of the sky,
And the moon like a pale rose wither away...'

Buffy's young again now, and vigorous, and playing in the sun.

If she wants to come back to you she will - some do, some don't, but please don't worry or think too much - she may surprise you when you least expect it. I'm glad I'm not the only one in this respect, Juliejulie, I'd be interested to hear of your experiences too; it's quite magical and so touching, bless them. To me it's just happened by accident. Looking forward to hearing.