New user - Cat with squamous cell carcinoma

[Antonio]

JulieJulie,
Your wonderful post moved me to tears, indeed! I rarely have read a more beautiful post.

I'm so sorry that you had to experience the same kind of nightmare as me with your sweet cat and I do feel each of your wrds like mine, it's like I had lived your terrible days. I fully understand you, believe me.
I'm not over this yet, if I think of my Lola I still cry, I can't believe it's true yet. Her name comes out of my mouth even when I call the other cat.

My other cat, Pallina, was terrified by what was happening. I think she understood the moment and refused to accept it and hid in the other room. She didn't want to get near the lifeless body of Lola even in the following hours and would hiss if I asked her to say good-bye to her friend. People who haven't had the luck of sharing part of their lives with a pet will never understand how intelligent and sensible they are. I'm sure that Pallina sensed that a sad thing was happening, she was frightened by it.
They never got along with each other, but now Pallina feels that things have changed and feels lonely and is getting clingier towards us, which is unusual of her. She has always been a solitary cat, now she flees loniless.

Thanks for you amazing words, I will keep them in my heart.
Our two cats are playing together and waiting for us to be with them one day.
Take care!

[JulieJulie]

Antonio
I am glad if my words bring comfort but sad that we had to share this experience.
Please remember that our cats feed off our emotions and you must live your life with joy for your Lola.

It's normal that the dynamics of the house will change as the occupants do.

A few years back i lost my tortie suddenly at a young age to heart disease. It nearly destroyed me.
What pulled me out of it was one day as i sat weeping with another of my cats on my lap (her mum in fact) and she wet on me. It was a massive wake up call and from that day forward i took my grief out of the house if I needed to and at home shared only love and joy with my other cats.

Make a memory book and write down your feelings and all your wonderful memories about her then give Lola your love. There is nothing we can do for our Angel cats except keep the love alive, we have to look after our remaining furry family.

Good luck.

[Antonio]

Today is a month since Lola went to the Rainbow Bridge. Thirty days ago at this time Lola put on her wings and flew away from me.
In this past month not a single day has gone by without me thinking of her. Not a single minute of each of these days have gone by without me thinking of her.
There have been days when I missed her more. During the last weekend I was in true sadness because she wasn't with me any longer, there's an empty space in the house and in my heart and nothing seems to be able to fill it in.
I was so sad and void that I didn't even remember that seven days ago it was the 16th anniversary of Romeo's death, Romeo was Lola's little brother. How disappointing of me!

With my wife every subject leads me to talk about Lola, because she was present in every moment of our life, so everything we do or we don't, every place we go, every food we eat, every movie we watch on TV, Lola fits in perfectly.
A couple of hours ago I was in the backyard and saw the small fences I had built in the last July to prevent her going in the neighbour's yard. She wouldn't roam too much, but on an afternoon of the last July she wanted to experience the life in the next yard. I had some hard time to call her back. The neighbour let me in her property, so I grabbed her and took her back home. I wasn't worried that she could get too far, my main concern was the neighbour's dog, absolutely friendly, but still a dog. Furthermore Lola was blind in that phase of her life (her sight would come and go randomly) so in the case of a problem with the dog she wouldn't have had a chance or she could get hurt in the attempt of escaping. On the following morning I built those small timber fences to block all accesses to the next yard. They are still there, a couple of hours ago I was looking at them and started thinking of Lola.

Most of her stuff is still here in the house... her dishes and her mat are still in the same place. Her meds are still on the shelf or in the fridge, along with her syringes and her fluids. I still have a few cans of her food. Everything around me reminds me of her. I miss her so much. I don't want to put her things away, to me it would be like erasing her from my mind. She is still part of my existence.

Despite this I still find it very hard to talk about her to other people, even to those I know who would fully understand what has happened and how I am feeling. I just can't talk about her, it's too a strong pain and too a private mourning, I just can't share my thoughts and my words with others. When people ask me about her I just say that one day I'll be ready to talk, but that day hasn't arrived yet.

In the last week I browsed many photos of her on my PC and smartphone. I wanted to look into her eyes again, I wanted to admire her huge beauty, it was like feeling her soft and silky fur under my fingers, it was like listening to her kind meow, it was like smelling her coat again.
I have a small envelope where I collected all her lost whiskers in, and some of her trimmed claws too. My intention was to put this envelope in the same urn where her ashes are, but I just can't open that cupboard door, it would be too hard for me to open the urn and see her ashes.
Probably I haven't accepted her loss yet. Probably I haven't accepted what I have done to her yet.

In the last months I have never dreamed of her. When she was alive I had her in my dreams at least twice a week. Now that she's gone I haven't dreamed of her anymore. She doesn't want to visit me, I think she's mad at me because she didn't want to be put to sleep.
I am sure I did the right thing for her, she couldn't have born an hour more in her condition, but then why is she angry with me?
I loved her so much, I would have given my own life to save hers. I miss her so much

[Ruth B]

She isn't angry with you, she just feels as happy and healthy as she did in her youth and has a new place to explore, and new friends to get to know. She will return to you when she is ready, the same as any healthy, happy cat, it has been a long time since she has felt this way and she is just enjoying it.

Grieving takes time, some days are better than other, looking back on her photos is good, it helps remember the good times. In time you will be ready to talk, but don't let people push you into it until you are ready, when you are, they will probably be wishing they hadn't asked as you start to spend hours regaling them of the little things she got up to and all her little quirks.

All I can add is what you are going through is perfectly reasonable, the effort you put into helping her though her last months was incredible and you aren't going to get over it quickly and no one should expect you to.

[Lilith]

Hi Antonio, yes, it's a cruel process

But - I've known so many bereaved people say this, about the person or animal not returning, and in my own experience, some do and some don't, whatever the circumstances, and some do only after a while. I honestly don't feel it's because Lola's angry with you. You gave her freedom from that tortured body, so hold on to that. Try not to angst too much about it, or call her back before it's time for her. She'll come when she's ready.

Big hugs to you and your wife and Pallina x

[vanilla]

Hi Antonio,

I don't think Lola is mad at you. I came across this website that explains how to get visitations and why you haven't had one yet.
http://www.jadestarotreadings.com/dream ... tions.html

Aflie visited me after 10 days, on April 14, Good Friday. In my dream, the back door was open. It was a sunny day and he strolled right in. He looked healthy and cancer free. He walked to his food bowl and ate his food. We had eye contact and even though he didn't talk I could sense how he was feeling, and he was happy. It felt like he was telling me he was okay and I didn't need to worry or feel sad anymore. Then he walked out the door like he was going to spend the day outside... but when I looked outside he was gone. I woke up knowing he had paid me a visit and it wasn't a normal dream.

[Antonio]

Thanks Ruth B, Lilith and Vanilla,
I did appreciate your replies, some words of yours moved me to tears, but I'm happy they did.
I thought that time would heal my pain but it seems that the pain grows stronger as days go by. Today is worse than yesterday, yesterday was worse than the day before.
Vanilla, I have read the webpage of that link and I liked the bit where it says that sometimes we are dreaming of our dear ones but we can't remember it when we wake up. well, this is what apparently happened to me a few days ago. I woke up with the slight feeling that I had dreamed of her but despite all my efforts I wasn't able to recall any single scene of that dream, I just had the feeling. But I do remember that on a night I dreamed of the small envelope with her whiskers in.
I would like to see her in my dreams, to touch her and to be with her even for a few minutes

Lately I have dreamed of another cat that I had to put to sleep over three years and a half ago. This was the fourth time I had him in my dreams, the first three times were shortly after his death.
I was so glad that Tom was visiting me, but I also want my Lola.

Yesterday, in the afternoon, I was at the computer and I had the clear and strong feeling that Lola was at my side, sitten on the floor and asking me to be taken up on my lap. In the last five years she wasn't able to jump on me anymore, but when she wanted to sit on my lap she would tap on my leg and I pulled her up. Yesterday I clearly felt her next to me

Lola, where are you?

[Lilith]

Sounds to me as if she's around again, bless her x

[Antonio]

Buon Compleanno, dolcissima Lola, mi manchi da morire!
Happy Birthday, my sweet Lola, I miss you to death!

Today Lola would have been 17... Every year on her birthday she would receive a special meal, many more kisses and cuddles and lots of special love.
My heart is aching, I'm still drowning in my own tears

Lola, ti ho sempre amato e ti amerò per sempre!
Lola, I always loved you and I always will!

[Ruth B]

Happy Birthday Lola, I may never have met you but I feel I know and love you.

You may be running free over the bridge but you will never be forgotten here.

Antonio, from what you have said i am sure she is still visiting you. Make a big fuss of your other cat and spend some time telling her about Lola and what you would have been doing today. Cats can be wonderfully understanding at times like these.

[vanilla]

Happy Birthday Lola. Gone but never forgotten...

[Lilith]

Happy birthday Lola.

Hugs to you Antonio, your wife and Pallina.

Have you ever read this? You may have done as it's a very widely quoted poem and I'm wary of quoting poetry as it's so subjective, but it does seem to say it all:-

https://www.poemhunter.com/poem/death-is-nothing-at-all

She hasn't gone away for ever x

[Antonio]

Ruth B, Vanilla, Lilith, thanks for your lovely support on this particular day.
Lilith, the poem is very delicate and it does say it all. It's very similar to the equally well known poem "Do not stand at my grave and weep" that once I saw on a grave in Ireland.
Both poems tell of continuity and closeness of our departed ones.

Tonight I seem to feel a vivid presence, it seems to me that I can feel her silky coat under my fingers and smell her fur in my nose. It's as she was here on my lap right now.
I love you, Lola!