New kitten - bad anxiety

[poppygreen]

Hi everyone. I hope I'm not going to come across wrong.
Me and my boyfriend recently moved out of London to the countryside. Litterly 3 weeks ago. I always had dogs and cats throughout my all life. However 5 years ago I broke up with my ex boyfriend and we decided that leaving my two cats with him was the best option. They wouldn't have had to change house as I was the one moving out, they are inside and outside cats so always been free to go in and out as they wished.they knew the area and have cats friends themselves and although were my cats they bonded with my ex so much that eventually the best option we thought to leave them with him. Now. 4 days ago me and my current boyfriend bought a main coon mixed 8 weeks old kitten on gumtree. Before purchasing him I have called rspca, blue cross, cats for rescue to go for adoption but all closed. We wanted a kitten and I was dreaming of it. But From the moment i got the call" we are on our way to bring you the kitten" a so far 3 days long panic attack has started. I havent slept even 1 minute in 3 days no eaten at all and I'm just crying all day with nausea and vomiting. I wasnt expecting this to be so destabilising. If I had the slighest doubt that this was going to happen I would have never got Hector (the kitten). I have done what I have done before with all my other cats. The problem this time the house is huge. So in order to spend as much time as we can with him and because we are currently wfh we need to take him with us in the office room upstairs during the day, lounge were we chilled in the evening and then he has his little room for the night. I spent hundreds of pounds to get him the best bed the best food the best toys several blankets plenty of fresh water everywhere he is I clean his litter 3 to 4 times a day so he doenst have a reason to cry poor baby. He loves sleeping on us during the day. The pattern is 10 mins play and the he dies for hours in a proper rem sleep were he chases god knows what. Yesterday I was crying over the phone to my auntie because I cant feel anything for Hector and this is not me. I'm not that kind of person. I love every animal and every human being and I feel so uncomfortable with myself right now. When I was crying to my auntie Hector climbed to my shoulder and starting licking the tears off my face. And I felt nothing. I dont why this is happening but i feel so guilty other than not well after these 3 days spent vomiting. I spent the night on the couch as I couldn't sleep but when it was 5am I went to Hector room picked him and took him with me downstairs. We cuddle and I thought...nice this is going to change but 10 mins after my anxiety raised and nausea starting to the point I'm struggling to be next to him. He is so cute and such a good boy although I believe is not 8 weeks I think is younger than that. We have a vet appointment on monday 11th for vaccination and a general check. I need help. I don't recognise myself. I was seeing myself spending endless time with Hector playing around cuddling him to the point of driving him away like mum enough! No more cuddles! But this hasn't happened. It's a vicious circle. I get anxious, I cant eat and sleep and the more I try not to think about it the more I do and now I'm very close to a breakdown point. I want to love little Hector with all my heart and I know that some people say it takes time to adjust but I never needed Time with animal in my life and I feel a horrible person. My boyfriend has bonded with him and he is super happy which is good so maybe little Hector doenst perceive my feeling too much . Hopefully. I just dont know what to do . My friends says this has got to do with my previous cat and yes when I left them god knows how i felt. My heart was ripped apart and i went to therapy for 6 months to deal with the breakup, not to my ex boyfriend but to my cats so maybe this is my subconscious. I dont know when to draw the line. Is this going to change or is better to find him another family? I'm really in a bad place with guilt. I look at him and just cant stop crying because I'm not feeling love. But please be assured that im doing everything I can do make sure he feels loved and taken care of . I mean we play with him all day. 8am to 11pm when we put him in his room. But this hard work as it was before with my other pets but this time I worried about him getting into places I cant get him out of as this is a 1920 house so I still have to adjust to it myself how can I keep him safe if I dont know the dangerous spots yet myself. But at the same time leaving him all day alone with his toys in his safe room doenst feel right at all. Please just tell me what to do. I feel a horrible person.
Thank you and apologies if I have offended anyone. Obviously it wasn't my intention

[fjm]

First, slow down and take some calming breathes. I think you are right, and this is about you and not Hector - are you still in touch with the therapist you saw after your break up with your previous boyfriend and your cats? I don't want to go down the route of cod-psychology, but I do wonder if some part of you is seeing your now boyfriend and Hector happy together, and screaming that history is about to repeat itself, and that only pain can result from letting yourself love this kitten. I think you need to talk to a professional about these feelings. Bonding doesn't always happen immediately, and the What-the-hell-have-I-done?? anxiety is so common as to be positively normal, but what you are going through seems much more extreme than that. In the meantime Hector is happy, well fed and well cared for - concentrate on yourself for a while, and find someone knowledgeable to talk to.

[Mollycat]

First of all it's ok not to form an immediate bond and it's even ok for a cat to 'belong' to one person in the household and not others. He is fed, loved and entertained, he is happy. You don't hate him, you just haven't bonded. Maybe two experiences of mine might help?

After my special cat died, I was asked to take in a stray. We had a vacancy and I couldn't turn her away, but my heart was broken and not ready to love another yet or even to take responsibility for her care. So Sarah came to live with us and became Daddy's girl. In time my heart healed and I grew to love her too. But all that is ok. It isn't a betrayal, even if it feels like it sometimes ... do you think this could be part of it for you?

Fast forward a few years and I again had a vacancy and a hole in my life where cats had been, but only an indoor home to offer. Cue Bobby-Boo, a retired stud boy who was completely indifferent to me when i went to meet him. The breeder insisted he would be fine and bulldozed me into taking him. It didn't take long before he decided to make me his special friend and I accepted. By way of background I too had left cats with my ex because of stability and the indoor-outdoor issue, I continued to visit, I was nervous in case anything happened to him and I had to take my old cats back, but we pulled through. Do you think that fear plays into your anxiety too?

It sounds like this is about unresolved fears and a big step in coming to terms for you. It's ok to go through it and it's ok to take a step back from Hector as he has everything he needs including one close human.

For sure there are many hazards in the home for curious and inexperienced kittens, but I'm not sure keeping him locked away in one room at a time is the answer. He is young enough to take some instruction on boundaries and limitations, he needs to learn to leave things alone that are not kitty play things. Rather than wearing him out so much with play I would let him guide you more. Let him explore and let him learn under your guidance. I think you'll find that therapeutic for you and bonding too as you learn with him what attracts him and how to teach him.

In the end you have to let go of the fears from the past while keeping the lessons. You don't have long of Hector being a kitten but you have many years of him being your feline companion. You might miss out on some of the kitten stuff while you focus on healing yourself, but he will be around for many more years when your heart can fully embrace him. And with the exception of cruel people, cats are so forgiving of our mistakes and our need for distance until we are healed enough to love fully again.

[poppygreen]

Hi. Thank you for your advises. I'm 100% conscious that I'm the problem and not little Hector. I have tried to keep my mind busy today replanting and cleaning the house. I'm trying to just accept that I need adjustment time and so far I'm having a fairly good day. I will also defo contact my previous therapist to discuss this as it can't get so dramatic. I have to rationalise the situation and be patient. I might take the chance to ask a couple of questions. Is it ok to leave Hector is his room all night? My house as i previously mentioned is massive so I need to make sure he takes his time to explore it all but it cried the first night he arrived although he was in our bedroom with us in his bed with water food litter and toys in the bedroom. From the second night I put him in the bedroom next to ours. I chose that room because is totally empty no cables nothing.. it's small (not too small) and warm and gets the light early in the morning. There is his litter there his food and water dishes and tons of toys, beds and blanket and a top of mine. He seems to do ok. He cries for a few mins but then stops and I believe he just sleeps all night. We usually find him where we leave him. Having said that we spend all day with him to make sure he doenst feel abandoned or lonely. Am I being cruel? I know I have to stick to one choice or at least that's what I read but my point is once I have showed him the whole house and he feels comfortable going up and down and back again then I dont see why I wont let him sleep wherever he wants to including our bedroom and bed as long as he behaves good in bed with us. But for now I'd rather know that he is safe and has got all his needs met and I can get a decent night sleep. I hope he realises that night time is time for human to sleep. Today we went to the pharmacy and have been away for 10 mins overall and we put him in his room while away. We left whit him crying but when we came back he was sleeping. So hopefully he will adjust to it. Also and this is totally new to me he is food aggressive with his own food and with ours. I dont even have time to put food in his bowl or his bowl down that he had already climbed my hand and wrist and starts making weird noises eating ferociously. So I have done what it's supposed to be done in this cases so always make sure he has food if dry, take a step back while he is eating and leave him alone and that's should work. Still hasn't and also today while me and boyfriend were having a chicken wrap oh my god he went mental. He started crying like crazy and climbed my legs any my boyfriends while crying. I read several reasons of this behaviour and I really hope this is not his case as I was told differently but apparently this is a behaviour of a kitten that had struggled to get food in the past. As far as I know the people I got him from had his sister too but no mother or father so I wonder if his owner have treated him properly. I hope this will change. His dry food small bowl is always full. Then twice a day I give a little bit of wet food not too much though.
Thank you

[Mollycat]

I'm sorry Poppygreen no you are not being cruel at all by giving Hector clear boundaries from day one about human sleep time and his own bed. So many of us feel sorry for this poor crying kitten on their first night and go back to take them out of their bed, crate or room and bring them into our own bed, with every good intention of not giving in tomorrow, and 10 years on regretting not being strong for those first few nights. You are setting up a routine which will serve you and Hector well for years to come. Please be kind to yourself, you are an intelligent and capable person even if your confidence has taken a knock maybe? You can do this. It's just the anxiety talking.

Interesting food aggression in such a young kitten. You would think just leaving his mother and siblings he should be fine now that there is no competition. What's your sense of the people you bought him from, did they seem genuine about his background and character? For now I would try giving him more wet food and see if he gets better as he realises there is always food when he wants it - not just the dry - and starts to settle to eating what he needs when he wants. But chicken is always so tempting and maybe he is just very forceful in the way he asks for titbits?

[poppygreen]

I'm sorry Poppygreen no you are not being cruel at all by giving Hector clear boundaries from day one about human sleep time and his own bed. So many of us feel sorry for this poor crying kitten on their first night and go back to take them out of their bed, crate or room and bring them into our own bed, with every good intention of not giving in tomorrow, and 10 years on regretting not being strong for those first few nights. You are setting up a routine which will serve you and Hector well for years to come. Please be kind to yourself, you are an intelligent and capable person even if your confidence has taken a knock maybe? You can do this. It's just the anxiety talking.

Interesting food aggression in such a young kitten. You would think just leaving his mother and siblings he should be fine now that there is no competition. What's your sense of the people you bought him from, did they seem genuine about his background and character? For now I would try giving him more wet food and see if he gets better as he realises there is always food when he wants it - not just the dry - and starts to settle to eating what he needs when he wants. But chicken is always so tempting and maybe he is just very forceful in the way he asks for titbits?

No now i'm really doubting those people. They said to me they had his sister but they didn't have neither the mother or the father. This morning he was a fun nightmare hahah. he must have pooped in his litter during the night and then went to bed and when i went to pick him up this morning poor Hector had all his poo on his bum and to clean him has been a nightmare. im not sure as im giving him both dry and wet food and he always have plenty of water but looks like his poo is a bit too dry and he struggles when he tries to go for number 2.
Hector is starting to show his personality each day more. i need to teach him about attacks as yesterday he jumped on my face to grab my hair and he scratched me. he is very playful but he always wants to sleep on us. if we put him in a bed next to us while we are working he would get off it and jumped on us and sleep on our laps which is fine, he is very light hahaha. can i use Andrex wet wipes to clean his bum> he still stink on poo a little bit but i dont want use anything that could hurt him.