First time kitten mom and overwhelmed

IMPORTANT: If your cat is in any distress or discomfort, please consult your own vet as your first priority.
Post Reply
newKittenOwner
New Cat Chatter
Posts: 2
Joined: Mon Jun 22, 2020 11:44 am

First time kitten mom and overwhelmed

Post by newKittenOwner »

Hi everyone,

I recently got myself a 3 and a half month old kitten. I have been trying to adopt a cat for a while now and planning to get one for about a year. I even moved so I can have a pet friendly apartment. I finally got a call from the shelter that they have kitten that might be good for me. I was extremely excited and set up everything and brought the little fellow home. But I have been extremely overwhelmed with taking care of a young kitten.

I have had severe anxiety issues which have been flaring up a lot because of the lockdown and the looming job insecurity. I have been finding it hard to manage my time between work and job search even before I got the kitten. I hoped a cat would help me feel batter but that has not been the case so far. I am incredibly overwhelmed and very stressed. He is a young kitten but has so much energy particularly during night time and in the morning and it's ver hard for me to deal with. I have tried engaging him in play so he would be calmer during the night but that has rarely worked. The sleep deprivation isn't helping with my anxiety levels and I have broken down a couple of times since I got him. Any tips on how to manage it?

Also I have a newborn niece who I would very much like to visit me or for me to possibly visit her. But I cannot visit her because I cant leave the cat alone for a weekend for a few moths at least. So I would really like to know how to make sure that it's safe for my niece to visit? My kitten has a lot of energy and can be very unpredictable when he is running around during one of these spells. I don't want him to hurt my niece accidentally.

I have been wondering if getting a kitten as a first time pet owner particularly at this time was a good idea. Any advise that can help get him and myself settled would help.

Thanks
User avatar
susand
VIP Cat Chatter!
Posts: 179
Joined: Fri Mar 16, 2018 5:28 pm
No. of cats in household: 1
Location: Northwest England

Re: First time kitten mom and overwhelmed

Post by susand »

A young cat doesn’t sound like the best match for you. Did you get him/her from a rescue centre? If so, I’d consider returning the cat and explaining the situation. A good rescue centre will understand. Please consider homing an older cat instead. One about 7-8 years old or older. They are a lot less energetic and usually content to spend most of the time snoozing, other than the odd mad half hour. If you get one from a rescue centre they will work with you to find the cat that’s right for you.
User avatar
Mollycat
VIP Cat Chatter!
Posts: 2705
Joined: Mon Feb 25, 2019 10:58 am
No. of cats in household: 1
Location: UK

Re: First time kitten mom and overwhelmed

Post by Mollycat »

It's ok to feel overwhelmed and you have come to the right place for support and to share how you're feeling.

A kitten is a wonderful choice for a first time cat owner, but it sounds like this little bundle has come along at the wrong time for you when everything else is so hectic and anxiety provoking. Perhaps the shelter could have been a bit more helpful matching you up. But no matter what age your cat, it's not a good idea to leave them alone for a whole weekend at any time. They are independent but we humans shouldn't ask them for too much. It's good to have someone feed a check on them as a minimum and preferably not leave them overnight. Some people do and it's ok, but not recommended and some cats will really suffer if their character does not suit this.

When you play with your kitten to wear him out, how do you feel? Does this playtime feel like a break from your life, an all consuming joy of the moment, or is it a chore to endure just so you can get to bed? Kittens nap and play hunting and fighting games all in short bursts, it's not really a cat thing to have an intense play session then sleep for 8 hours straight. Even when they get old they can still get playful in the middle of the night as cats are most active at dusk and dawn and our human homes are never really dark.

Kittens do best when they have lots and lots of handling, socialising and teaching. You can't train a cat like a dog, but until about 10 months their brain is wired to learn and teaching skills, boundaries and social bonds. You can teach them so much in those early months, if your kitten will be going outdoors this is the time to teach about dangers and boundaries and safe fun. But a bored kitten can be destructive and develop really bad habits just to get your attention if you don't have enough time for them.

The question is, even though you have the kitten now, what do you want and need? Do you want us to help you figure out how to manage practically and emotionally, or help you decide whether to keep him or hand him back, or do you just need some sympathetic ears and some advice as you go along? Nobody is going to judge you if you decide this isn't the time and you really can't cope, and we will help you any way we can if you decide to give it your best shot.
User avatar
fjm
VIP Cat Chatter!
Posts: 1675
Joined: Sat Dec 23, 2017 6:11 pm
No. of cats in household: 1
Location: North West England

Re: First time kitten mom and overwhelmed

Post by fjm »

It is not at all unusual to feel overwhelmed when you find yourself responsible for another life, and especially a baby one - most of us will have had "What have I done?!!" moments. It can be particularly difficult when you have built up a mental image of the perfect relationship with the perfect animal, and find yourself instead the sleep deprived victim of a whirling dervish of teeth, fluff and claws! But that perfect relationship can still be yours - it just needs work on raising the baby into a sensible adult.

First you need to protect your own sanity - if the kitten is preventing you sleeping then he will be perfectly safe shut in a kitten proofed room like the bathroom, with a tray, food, water, comfy bed and a few toys. Invest in ear plugs so his bouncing doesn't wake you too often, and when he does remember that babies and sleep deprivation go together - it will eventually get better. Second I would establish a routine, scheduling meals playtime and naps, etc, and try to stay close to it - most young things benefit from a known routine. A young kitten will need lots of sleep, but is likely to be very lively around dawn and twilight, which are very early and late at this time of year. Set a few rules and boundaries while remembering that your kitten is still very young, and has lots to learn, and that play and exploration are how he does it. Reckon on every household task taking twice as long with a kitten involved, just as it does when you are "helped" by a toddler, but remember it can be more than twice as much fun if you join in the games. I once redecorated several rooms with the assistance of two 3 month old kittens - it was a memorable experience!

I see no reason why your baby niece should not visit, presumably with her mother. Never let the kitten be in a room with her alone, of course, but with two adults to manage interactions all should be safe enough. Keep a box of small soft toys to hand that you can toss for the kitten to chase, praise and treat him for coming to you and leaving the baby alone, and supervise, supervise, supervise.

Meanwhile concentrate on the things you like/love about him, and try not to dwell on the irritants. Cats are kittens for such a short time, try to enjoy him rather than letting yourself be overwhelmed by stress. Perhaps an afternoon nap together might help calm you both, together with creating your own small games and rituals to help you bond.

Do let us know how you get on.
newKittenOwner
New Cat Chatter
Posts: 2
Joined: Mon Jun 22, 2020 11:44 am

Re: First time kitten mom and overwhelmed

Post by newKittenOwner »

Thank you everyone for replying!

I am trying my best to give it all I have without being too harsh on myself or my kitten. I am trying to cope with it the best I can but at times when, his energy levels are off the roof and I am waiting for him to calm down so I can move or eat or just work, it gets a bit much.
When you play with your kitten to wear him out, how do you feel?

It does feel like a chore right now tbh because it goes on for hours and I am struggling with time management anyway. I do enjoy watching him sleep especially when he sleeps while hugging my knees or legs. And do like to play with him when he is not having one of his hyperactive episodes which is everyday like clockwork without an off day and it get.
The question is, even though you have the kitten now, what do you want and need?
I want to do my best to adjust to change and to have him settled. I just need some advice on how to deal with a kitten and how to teach and discipline him to allow me to get some sleep or let me work.I don't want to give him up without giving it the time and effort it needs and then too, only as a last resort.
I see no reason why your baby niece should not visit, presumably with her mother. Never let the kitten be in a room with her alone, of course, but with two adults to manage interactions all should be safe enough. Keep a box of small soft toys to hand that you can toss for the kitten to chase, praise and treat him for coming to you and leaving the baby alone, and supervise, supervise, supervise.
Thanks a lot for this. I have been worrying about it a lot. It will be at least two adults two supervise.
User avatar
Mollycat
VIP Cat Chatter!
Posts: 2705
Joined: Mon Feb 25, 2019 10:58 am
No. of cats in household: 1
Location: UK

Re: First time kitten mom and overwhelmed

Post by Mollycat »

That's great. Might have seemed a strange lot of questions from me but I thought I read between the lines something very close to my heart, about struggling with time management and feeling so frustrated that nothing is getting done to your satisfaction - am I right? Struggling to get the "have to" done and fit in the quality down time and feeling guilty and frustrated because you can't enjoy the fun for all the stuff that has to be dealt with that isn't? You're welcome to message me if that sounds like you, I can listen and share and am happy to try and help.
User avatar
fjm
VIP Cat Chatter!
Posts: 1675
Joined: Sat Dec 23, 2017 6:11 pm
No. of cats in household: 1
Location: North West England

Re: First time kitten mom and overwhelmed

Post by fjm »

Oh, the early morning and late night zoomies! Why do they always seem to come just when you are trying to get another hour's sleep, or are at the point of crawling off to bed?! Or when you really need to get something done. I think with babies they are often as much the result of over tiredness as pent up energy, though - it is worth watching and analysing to work out which it might be each time.

Does he have things he can play with/in without needing to involve you? At the moment he is used to the company of siblings, but there are lots of games he can play by himself. A cork in the bath tub can can be pinged from one end to the other without having to be retrieved from under furniture every few minutes; a few feathers suspended nearly but not quite out of reach from a door frame (if in doubt use a thread that will snap if he manages to get entangled in it); a feeding ball that drops bits of food when chased; a play tunnel, or just a stack of cardboard boxes and a ping pong ball. Teaching him to amuse himself, and providing comfy places to self soothe into sleep, may be good for both of you. Have you kitten proofed your home as much as possible? Knowing there are no precious ornaments to be sent flying, or dangerous cables to be chewed, or priceless rugs to be clawed, can help to make things more relaxed.

And as Molly says it is easy to get hung up on trying to do everything right - enough handling, the right food, the right training, etc, etc - and forget to simply have fun, especially when all the rest of life's needs are pressing on you.
User avatar
Mollycat
VIP Cat Chatter!
Posts: 2705
Joined: Mon Feb 25, 2019 10:58 am
No. of cats in household: 1
Location: UK

Re: First time kitten mom and overwhelmed

Post by Mollycat »

newKittenOwner wrote: Mon Jun 22, 2020 8:40 pm Thank you everyone for replying!

I am trying my best to give it all I have without being too harsh on myself or my kitten. I am trying to cope with it the best I can but at times when, his energy levels are off the roof and I am waiting for him to calm down so I can move or eat or just work, it gets a bit much.
Hi, 3 months on how are you getting on with your kitten? Are you feeling any better? Is kitten settling into your lifestyle?
Mochi2
New Cat Chatter
Posts: 1
Joined: Mon Sep 28, 2020 2:40 am

Re: First time kitten mom and overwhelmed

Post by Mochi2 »

I have been feeling almost exactly the same having adopted a now 3 month old kitten. So much has happened and I experience meltdowns so easily these days thinking to myself how big of a mistake I may have made by getting this kitten. My son bonded with her now and when I talk about giving her back, he becomes very upset. When I first brought her home, I was shocked to see the fleas crawling in and out inside her fur. I caught one and it jumped on the carpet. I almost had an anxiety attack and bathed the kitten immediately. 2 days after I brought her she stopped eating and was very lethargic.All the vets were booked and I was suggested to take her to the emergency vet med. I took her there at midnight and was told that they’d need to run some tests as they thought it was likely leukemia. They also told me the tests would cost $400 and if it’s leukemia the treatment would cost around 3 to 4 thousand. Eventually they said it was just worms, treated and discharged the next day. I got a $500 bill from them. Having already spent money on all the things a kitten needs, which probably exceeded $500 now in about a Month, I was extremely overwhelmed and upset. I’m like I never thought this could be what I’m signing up for. I called them almost crying on the phone asking if they could just help me with a discount and all they could do was to reduce it a bit. They were like we can’t make the bill go away. I ended up using my credit card of which I had finally paid off the debt just a month ago and my mood was crashed when I saw the recent amount on top of a late fee. I am so exhausted. She’s doing better now but is definitely not eating much and is very picky about food. She’s very skinny and I have tried so many brands, types of food which she’ll maybe eat once or twice and not anymore. I don’t really know how things will go. I already have a solid amount of debt and having to get into debt again for a pet made me feel like this is not a good fit for me right now. My patience is going down, I’m worried about additional costs thinking it’s so unfair that I am going to have to
Pay all that. All I wanted was a pet and it turned out so stressful.
Nykitty
New Cat Chatter
Posts: 2
Joined: Sun Oct 10, 2021 7:28 pm

Re: First time kitten mom and overwhelmed

Post by Nykitty »

I've just come across this thread and I'm feeling exactly the same. I lost a cat I had for a long time and I've got 2 new kittens, literally a couple of weeks after he died. The feelings of anxiety and how overwhelmed I am have completely taken over everything. My whole life, I can't eat or sleep. I got the kittens 2 weeks after my cat died suddenly and I know now I've made a huge mistake. I'm crying every single day. I've contacted the shelter who are going to take the kittens back. Im struggling so bad and the only way out that I can see is to not keep the kittens. By heart is just broke by the whole situation.
User avatar
Kay
VIP Cat Chatter!
Posts: 1961
Joined: Thu Mar 13, 2014 2:50 pm
No. of cats in household: 1
Location: West Wales

Re: First time kitten mom and overwhelmed

Post by Kay »

I have been there too - I made the mistake of getting a kitten too soon after my sole companion cat of 14 years died unexpectedly

I soon realised I didn't want a kitten, but my Bridge cat back again - looking back now at a distance of some years I can see I would have been much happier had I adopted a much older cat, one that was used to a quiet home and being an only cat - I probably wouldn't have bonded with such a cat right away, but I would have known how to satisfy its needs, and would have known I was providing a good home for a cat that needed one

Might you consider asking the shelter if they have an older cat which would be much easier to care for - perhaps one which has been overlooked too often in favour of kittens?
Nykitty
New Cat Chatter
Posts: 2
Joined: Sun Oct 10, 2021 7:28 pm

Re: First time kitten mom and overwhelmed

Post by Nykitty »

Yes it's my cat that my heart misses do much. The kittens were rehomed to a lovely family. I know I made the right decision. But I'm heartbroken too now having to do that. I will give myself more time and decide then what I want to do.
User avatar
Mollycat
VIP Cat Chatter!
Posts: 2705
Joined: Mon Feb 25, 2019 10:58 am
No. of cats in household: 1
Location: UK

Re: First time kitten mom and overwhelmed

Post by Mollycat »

Doing the right thing doesn't make it easy, but it is a long term investment. Grief is a strange and difficult journey where we often encounter parts of ourselves that we don't recognise. It's never easy but not complicating it with kittens sounds like a very good idea. In time your heart will catch up with your head that already knows yo have done the right thing. Take all the time you need to grieve and the future will come to you just when the time is right. Be kind to yourself.
appleberry
New Cat Chatter
Posts: 1
Joined: Tue Aug 16, 2022 6:30 pm

Re: First time kitten mom and overwhelmed

Post by appleberry »

I am in this very moment right now. I adopted two kittens a week ago. I'm glad I got two so they can entertain each other and I won't have to give all of my attention to a kitten (if I got only one). I still play with them with toys maybe 3x a day for 15 to 20 minutes. I also live alone like you. I am also a solitary person and I was very overwhelmed after I got them. I have pets to feed now and one kitten meows a lot and I was not used to this noise or any noise at my home at all. I literally lost 4 kilograms in a span of 7 days because I just don't have the appetite which never ever happened to me before. I had anxiety attacks 4 times just crying and I don't understand why. I love them and they are sweet to me they retract their claws when I hold them and they never played with my hand and bite it. I used the money I saved for their toys, food, etc. (I am still waiting to take my licensure exam as a nurse). 5 days after I got them I was going to let my friend adopt them cuz I really feel depressed since I got them and I wanted out of the hole. I care for these kittens and playing with them is not at all a chore that needs to be done for me. If I were to give them away I want the two of them to be adopted together. I don't want to separate them. They are each other's bestfriend. Unfortunately, my friend can't take the two kittens, she can only look after for one. So I tried to organize my thoughts and thought 5 days is too soon for me to decide to give them away. It's like I never gave us a chance or me a chance to actually adapt to the change. So I decided that I'll be making my final decision whether to keep them or let someone look after them after 30 days.

I'm wondering how did this turn out for you? How are you and the kitten now? I would very much love to hear an update and thank you!
User avatar
Mollycat
VIP Cat Chatter!
Posts: 2705
Joined: Mon Feb 25, 2019 10:58 am
No. of cats in household: 1
Location: UK

Re: First time kitten mom and overwhelmed

Post by Mollycat »

It's been 35 years since I last had a kitten, just one, and she was Quite A Character to put it mildly. But more recently I got two adult rescues and a few months after one incident in my life triggered an extremely difficult time with crippling depression and anxiety.

I'm not sure the kittens are the problem, I wonder if maybe there is more to this? Living alone (from experience) and having no responsibilities except yourself can make our world small and safe. Stepping outside the home and micro world where we have full control becomes increasingly scary, especially if outside of the safe haven of our home there are terrifying pressures from work or social expectations or even the lack of it. Then, bringing little living things into that safe haven and being responsible for the safety and well-being of these little lives can easily become overwhelming.

You don't have to be perfect, and neither do your kittens. You're going to make mistakes, need to step outside and scream, pull the covers over your head, and have heart-stopping panics and worries. It's ok - you're only human!

My girl used to look at me and squeak incessantly when I was trying to concentrate on my work. I would put down my work, walk over, and she would bolt under the bed. I would turn back to my work, and she would come back and start again. Some days I would leave that house just to get a few minutes peace. One day I was so close to meltdown I took a sheet of paper, screwed it up and threw it at her as hard as I could - it couldn't hurt her but I needed some outlet. She sat the and looked me straight in the eyes as the paper ball hit her on the head. The trust - from a cat that bolted under the bed whenever I stood up too quickly - was so touching, it defused me completely. I understand now, now I am a long time past those problems, when she still hates any time I feel stressed or frustrated and does anything she can to distract me. Instead of going crazy, I decide to be grateful. Lately she has decided she won't eat her biscuits even if they are in front of her, she wants them hand fed to her one at a time and accept some stroking and purrs and makes air biscuits. She is demanding as I write.

Does any of my rambling mean anything to you?
Post Reply