Taking care of my cat, traumatized her, now what?

[jj_prdx]

I've been living with my girlfriend and her (our but more her) cat for about 3 years. We lived in a studio apartment and I did not know how to interact with cats *at all*. I didn't know they would be scared by approaching them. I would follow her around and if she was hiding I would go say hi. I would touch her when at the time she clearly didn't want to be touched. This led to some very broken feelings between the two of us and I've since learned how to interact with and take care of a cat and in the 2.5 years since, she and I are on good terms.

We've recently moved to a new place with much more space, and our cat was at first doing totally fine with both of us and having more fun adjusting than we expected. Then the hammer dropped about a week in, and she hid behind the washing machine all day and night. I knew the signs and my girlfriend assured me it would only be for a week or two or however long she needed to claim her space and feel comfortable. Then the girlfriend left for a probably week on a family emergency. It is currently day 3 of gf being gone & week 2 of the new place. Still, everything was fine-ish. I knew to basically ignore the cat, feed her, let her do her thing, and just let her feel like she had the freedom to get comfortable in the space.

Then the series of unfortunate events happened. I noticed that her poop was oddly colored and textured, and the last time it was this way, she eventually got very sick. I called my girlfriend, she said it'll be fine but that she might still have leftover on her if she didn't properly clean, and asked me clean her butt. Specifically, she said 'just grab her and she usually freezes when you do that, and then give her a few firm wipes, and she'll be okay.' I'd seen her do it before to clean the cat or trim her nails or move her. But the cat is HER cat not mine and she forgives her much more quickly than me. I didn't think this was a good idea. Still, I didn't want her to be dirty and my girlfriend thought 'it'll be fine', so I tried. It was bad. I heard her moving after i turned the light off in the bedroom, and the flipped the light on, saw her, moved towards her, essentially pounced on her, started trying to wipe her. She scowled, her eyes got wide, she scuttled away, and hid. And all the PTSD from 2-3 years ago came flooding back.

It's been one full day since this happened. She's eaten once since. She hasn't pooped in her litterbox but I'm not sure if she's urinated or defecated elsewhere in the apartment which she does when she gets *really* scared. She hides in very backed up places (behind the bookshelf, under the dresser, in the smallest hole in the cat tree, basically anywhere she's surrounded on all 5 sides. I feel awful. I'm angry that I didn't trust my feeling that it was a bad idea to try to clean her. Some of my gut instincts to reach my hand out, say hi, lie on the ground next to her came back and the most recent time, I heard this really soft monotone meow, almost like it came from a lump in her throat. I'm pretty sure it means she's terrified and despondent.

My every instinct is to try to comfort her but my cat-knowledge instinct is to leave her alone. I'm here to ask definitively what I'm supposed to do. I think I need to completely leave her alone, let her just exist, eat, hide, and remain scared. I just want to know from someone who may have experienced this what she's probably thinking, what she needs from me, and what I need to do so that she's able to feel comfortable and happy again.

[Mollycat]

Seems to me like your instincts have really developed with experience and you love this cat dearly and have all her best interests at heart. Maybe your girlfriend underestimated how long it would take the cat to settle in your new home, and so she thought it would be ok but it has been a bit of a setback for the two of you that she didn't realise it would be. Must admit wiping poop, as much as it hurts to see them clean themselves up the only way they can, is something I know I can't do to my shy non-handling cat, and even with my other one (long haired who we lost last year) I still always tried to look and see if it needed doing before grabbing.

Anyway there's a hint to where I think more of the problem probably lies, it's still very soon after the move. Second, Momma's away, and third, she was probably coming to you as you are the only familiar thing in the new house and you scared her. She will recover, she will be fine, she just had a lot to cope with. A new home is a very big deal to a cat, not like us or a dog.

What you can do to help - if your gf left some clothes that have not been washed yet, put them around the place for the cat. Move gently and instead of ignoring her try talking gently and softly to her while you go about your business, be sure to move slowly with no sudden sharp big movements, and by all means sit on the floor not far from her but not looking at her and offer her small treats any time she comes near you. Timid cats can be surprisingly forgiving but this little pudding has had a lot to cope with in 2 weeks, don't be anxious (she will pick that up and it won't help) but be calm and everything will settle. You're doing a great job, keep it up.

[Ruth B]

I can't add much to what Mollycat has said. I do feel sorry for both you and your cat, you were trying your best to do the right thing and it went wrong. It happens, try not to dwell on it and concentrate on moving forward.

As Mollycat says, she will recover, but don't be surprised if it takes a bit of time. Let her hide if she wants, a quick check to see where she is isn't a problem but don't try to reach her and touch her while she is hiding. Be in the same room but just keep talking quietly to her, spreading unwashed clothes around the house is a really good trick to make the place feel more like home for her. Leave treats close to her hiding place to try and tempt her out a bit and toys might help draw her out, at least for a short time. The ones that consist of a wand, string and toy attachment can be really good for nervous cats as they mean you can be playing with her but not close enough to make her feel threatened. Even an older cat can lose themselves chasing a feather or mouse on a string for a while, but you might have to be patient with her for it to work. If you can sit where you can see if she is peering out from behind what she is hiding behind and concentrating on the toy that can be enough to start with as it helps take her mind off her fear, and eventually she will give in and try and pounce it.

The only other suggestion I can make and it does involve a bit of expense is to get a motion detector camera set up attached to a computer to record what she is up to while you are out of the room or what she is doing at night. It could well be that she is coming out at night to explore a bit, many nervous cats do feel safer when the house is quiet and we are asleep. The camera would at least give you peace of mind that she is eating properly and using the litter tray.

Keep calm around her and let her settle at her own pace and I'm sure you will be best of friends in the end.