Ok ... this is a self pitying moan

For all your feline miscellany - any interesting stories, news or subjects that do not fit in the other sections.
Post Reply
issiandarchie+68
VIP Cat Chatter!
Posts: 225
Joined: Mon May 02, 2016 10:45 am

Ok ... this is a self pitying moan

Post by issiandarchie+68 »

Hello fellow cat lovers. I haven't been on this site for a while as I am now pet free, but the regular contributors over the years will remember my posts about Cody, Armand, Gandhi, Christopher Brodie. How me and hubby were devastated to lose both Cody and Armand within 4 weeks of one another and beloved Gandhi was exhaustingly ill for such a long time. Of course, over a long life, there have been other pets too and part of the problem was .. well there weren't really any, it all seemed so easy. So why am I whinging when there are far far more dreadful things than my feelings going on in the world? Because I hate it, this emptiness, feel I no longer have anything worth getting up for even though in reality, I lead quite a full life. Yes, the last few years have been emotionally and financially draining, even my cat sitter commented how unlucky we had been, but I miss having a furry body about the house, I miss lying rigid in bed because soft pawed cats are scattered like warm little commas all over the duvet, I miss big Gandhi literally shoving my head down (his) pillow into a wee corner so I woke with a crick in my neck every blooming morning, I miss getting exasperated as the minute my bum hit the loo, one of the oldies would loudly demand to be lifted into the bath for a 'tap' drink, I miss having to lift a couple of warm cats off the pile of clothes in the bottom of the wardrobe, only to find them unwearable because of a thick coating of cat fur, I miss the pain and hopping about as of bits of litter where embedded in bare toes, I miss giving them all cooked chicken breast for lunch as they ambled into the kitchen like a herd of cows for the milking, but most of all, I miss their company. I find myself searching the internet for the numerous cat rescue sites in and around Glasgow, my heart sinking as I know that although those 2 little creatures would suit us grand, it's never going to happen. Why not? Because my much loved but very stubborn husband has decreed 'no more pets of any kind' and just will not budge. The other day, I fantasised about him leaving me for, well, anything actually, so I could fill my house once more with the sound of warm purring. This after 52years of marriage, poor man! Bet that wasn't in his marriage vows! Anyway, long winded whinge over, but I would love to know if any other fellow pet owner has had this problem and how they handled it. Thanks for listening.

Issi
User avatar
Mollycat
VIP Cat Chatter!
Posts: 1561
Joined: Mon Feb 25, 2019 10:58 am
No. of cats in household: 1
Location: UK

Re: Ok ... this is a self pitying moan

Post by Mollycat »

I chose the man above the cat, once, X1. I was young and to be fair the cat wasn't out of reach, she stayed with my parents. When she was 12 I got her back and we spent the final 4 years together as we had the first two, and the decade in between made me declare to the next man X2 on our first date, "I have a cat, where I go she goes, and if you don't like it you know where the door is." I don't suggest for a moment that this be followed by anyone, especially after half a century of wedded bliss, but there is a lot to be said for the cattitude.

Right now, we are in the thick of more than £10,000 in 3 years with 3 animals of which one is gone, one will soon find out if it's a scale and polish or terminal, and what the dog is going through he has a 70% chance of having to go through all over again by the end of 2022. We say we need a break after these, but OH still hankers after a Maine Coon kitten and I am pretty sure he won't last out without a dog, and I also know Molly my ninth cat is unlikely to be my last. I hear the sensible but I know the love will always win. He found the dog, 4 weeks old and left in a box to die in early December. They find a way to find us when we don't think we want them. Cat is 14, dog is 10, by the time OH retires they will be gone, retirement is a great time to take on another puppy and a dozen cats, isn't it? Even the sensible doesn't have much resolve.

You and hubby have made a sensible decision and it sounds like he has the resolve where you have the need to love and be needed. I do remember very vividly Christopher Brodie and how you said then that you had already said no more, but CB had other plans. After the very special Misha gave me my first experience of judging when to call the vet for the last time, our lodger tried to help us be landing us with Sarah who was living outdoors in fear of the German Shepherd. I knew my heart would be broken for a long time, but there was a vacancy in the house, so I told the OH at the time if he could take on full responsibility for Sarah then I couldn't leave her homeless.

I doubt any of this helps you in any way. Can anyone turn away a little soul found in distress and need? You didn't need a response to actually make sense, did you? And I have no idea how the font got so big or how to turn it back to normal.
booktigger
VIP Cat Chatter!
Posts: 2369
Joined: Thu Mar 13, 2014 1:36 pm
No. of cats in household: 3

Re: Ok ... this is a self pitying moan

Post by booktigger »

How about suggesting fostering to him?
User avatar
Ruth B
VIP Cat Chatter!
Posts: 1697
Joined: Wed Jun 15, 2016 11:31 am
No. of cats in household: 3
Location: Wolverhampton

Re: Ok ... this is a self pitying moan

Post by Ruth B »

I too was going to suggest the possibility of fostering. For me the big question is why is he saying no, is there something about your current situation that makes it impractical to have a cat, or is it something else.

When we got married 20 years ago, we knew there would be compromises, and two of the main ones were, i don't moan about his floor to ceiling model collection (the ones that still need putting together) and he wouldn't complain when i wanted a cat. We might act as restraints to one another, (do you really need another of that particular tank, is getting another cat really fair on the ones we have), but in the end we accept the others decision if they really want to go ahead with it. I know Tiggy would not appreciate me getting another cat no matter how much I might want another Ragdoll, so I have to wait, but I know when she is no longer with us, he won't say no. At the same time he has walked out of model shows with some large kits in hand, and can see the other men staring at him with green in their eyes and the question on their minds 'just how is he getting those past his wife'. the tales from modelers are hilarious, one had a car boot full of kits, because he couldn't get them into his house without his wife knowing, another had an extra loft section added when the extension was being built so he had somewhere to hide his stash of kits.
We may be crazy cat ladies, but there are men just as crazy about other things, perhaps i was lucky to meet one. I do hope you can sort something out, a house seems very empty with out a cat.
User avatar
fjm
VIP Cat Chatter!
Posts: 1143
Joined: Sat Dec 23, 2017 6:11 pm
No. of cats in household: 2
Location: North West England

Re: Ok ... this is a self pitying moan

Post by fjm »

No easy solution when heart and head are at odds... What is at the core of his refusal? Unwillingness to go through the stress and grief again? To see you do so? Expense? Being tied to home and unable to travel? All these things and more? All sensible, all thoroughly understandable, but weigh very little when you yearn for a small, warm presence in you life again.
issiandarchie+68
VIP Cat Chatter!
Posts: 225
Joined: Mon May 02, 2016 10:45 am

Re: Ok ... this is a self pitying moan

Post by issiandarchie+68 »

Thank you al so much for your insightful and I have to say, somewhat amusing responses. Each of you in turn has hit the nail right on the head, in fact i enjoyed your 'solutions' so much, I actually read your posts 3 times. I love your comments Mollycat, whoever you respond to on this forum, and no, the font wasn't large when I read it, perfectly ok. I am sorry you are going through such a hard time emotionally and financially, it' s heart breaking watching your pets fall ill, with the inevitable outcome. Dear FJM, the answer to all your questions is yes. I am not ashamed to admit, as you and others have gently pointed out, that I need to be needed and give love, that I understand my hubby's reasoning but it doesn't help to fill the hole in my heart. He did say we would foster at one time, hence taking in (adopting) Christopher Brodie but now he is adamantly against it. We had a bad argument last night, which shocked us both, as we have long gotten past the throwing of potted geraniums (me) and tv remotes (him). He stated he was replacing the front door to get rid of the cat flap, and off we went, him accusing me of emotionally blackmailing him, me accusing him of not understanding etc. As he is a somewhat dour, but lovely, usually generous hearted man, I don't want to make him unhappy so have conceded defeat.

Ruth B bless you honey, i laughed out loud at your description of the 'model collection'. My hubby is the same with golfing gear, even upgrading a new car(twice) to get a bigger boot to accommodate the ever growing pile. For a moment I was rather startled at the term 'model', assuming your other half to have filled the house with shop window mannequins! Don't laugh. In the 1970s while walking past a rather eccentric neighbours house, i was rather shocked to note he had hung himself! After banging on his front door and shouting through the letter box, the rather bemused chap, ushered me in and gave me a guided tour of the dummies hanging from every ceiling in every room, wearing Nazi uniforms! Took me a while to get over that sight, I can tell you!

Hope you don't mind lovely people if I continue to follow your posts and thank you once again.

Issi
User avatar
Mollycat
VIP Cat Chatter!
Posts: 1561
Joined: Mon Feb 25, 2019 10:58 am
No. of cats in household: 1
Location: UK

Re: Ok ... this is a self pitying moan

Post by Mollycat »

I'm not sure what's worse there Issi, what you feared or what you found - deeply disturbing.

I do hope for you that your willingness to concede defeat will prick his conscience enough for him to concede too so that you can start again and have a grown-up conversation about this. And if his case is compelling enough to genuinely persuade you, perhaps a local rescue might be happy to have one more kitten cuddler - it's a genuine real vacancy!

In the meantime if you can get to the bottom of the real why maybe it might help. Behind "we're getting too old for this" and "let's have some time just for us" and of course "you get so upset when they go" might be something deeper that might bring you even closer together and bring about a natural logical solution. Never give up.

And with all the love you have to give and your experience and knowledge and kindness, even if there isn't a furry thing to benefit from it personally for a while, all of ours benefit from us having you in the conversation. I have no intention of leaving the forum after Molly goes even if it's a while before there is another, we are cat people and we have a community of cat people - we don't stop being cat people just because we are temporarily or even permanently catless.
User avatar
fjm
VIP Cat Chatter!
Posts: 1143
Joined: Sat Dec 23, 2017 6:11 pm
No. of cats in household: 2
Location: North West England

Re: Ok ... this is a self pitying moan

Post by fjm »

Seriously disturbing! What has once been seen cannot be unseen...

I think volunteering as a kitten cuddler, cat whisperer and dog walker as soon as it is possible at your local shelter might help to fill the void, although it might also make the urge to bring all the small lost souls home even more overwhelming, of course. Finding the nub of your husband's objections is key - from his reaction perhaps he finds the saying goodbye just too overwhelmingly painful, but cannot quite admit to being so emotional so takes refuge in anger. And if that is the case it is hard to see a way forward - we can take on the knowledge of future pain for ourselves, and accept it as the price we pay for present love, but forcing someone else to do so sounds like a recipe for disaster.
User avatar
Kay
VIP Cat Chatter!
Posts: 1834
Joined: Thu Mar 13, 2014 2:50 pm
No. of cats in household: 1
Location: West Wales

Re: Ok ... this is a self pitying moan

Post by Kay »

just a thought, from someone who has been caring for an outdoor cat for some years now - the arrangement is I provide food and shelter in my shed, and he agrees not to hiss at me as long as I don't get too close - although unneutered he doesn't seem to stray beyond my garden

do you have a garden which would allow you to take on an outdoor cat? it's obviously not the same as having a cuddle cat inside, and I am fortunate in that I have one of those, who has all but zero interest in the outdoors

but it would give you some feline interest, and most rescues have cats looking for outdoor places for ex ferals
booktigger
VIP Cat Chatter!
Posts: 2369
Joined: Thu Mar 13, 2014 1:36 pm
No. of cats in household: 3

Re: Ok ... this is a self pitying moan

Post by booktigger »

If he won't contemplate fostering again, my only other suggestion is going volunteering at a rescue, hopefully it won't be too hard for you emotionally.
User avatar
Ruth B
VIP Cat Chatter!
Posts: 1697
Joined: Wed Jun 15, 2016 11:31 am
No. of cats in household: 3
Location: Wolverhampton

Re: Ok ... this is a self pitying moan

Post by Ruth B »

Maybe the time has come when he next wants to go out playing golf, to insist he stays at home with you as the house is so empty when he isn't there now.

Yes, i can imagine the sight of shop mannequins all around someones house would be disturbing and not something you would forget quickly, I'm just glad I only meant tanks and planes when I was talking about my OH's collection.

I have to agree with the others, finding out the real reason he doesn't want another cat, even a fostered one is the only chance you have of getting him to change his mind.
issiandarchie+68
VIP Cat Chatter!
Posts: 225
Joined: Mon May 02, 2016 10:45 am

Re: Ok ... this is a self pitying moan

Post by issiandarchie+68 »

Ooohh nooo Ruth, I couldn't do that. I think I have mentioned before (but I could be mistaken, I often am!) that in all our years together, we have never been joined at the hip. When we first met in the 1960's, everyone, including his lovely Mother, said it wouldn't last. Polar opposites, I was the butterfly minded, very chatty hippy, long blonde hair, mini skirts, he was the quiet extremely brainy academic, he even wore a cravat for goodness sake, until I binned it. I would never dream of playing golf, he would never dream of horse riding, gardening etc. Each to our own, when we do spend time together, we rub along very nicely. I think part of the problem is, we have been thrown together during lockdown, isolated whereas normally, we would be out and about. I have given the matter some calm thought. Realised that, usually, I put an idea into his head, he disagrees, we bicker, then I leave it. Sometime later, we will be sitting quietly, he will look up and say, 'yes .. shall we do that then?' and that's the tactic I'm going to follow. In regards to my eccentric 1970s neighbour, who by the way, ate nothing but mince and baked beans, his wife threatened to leave him if he didn't change those damned dummies. So he took a couple down, but then rehung them wearing WW1 uniforms, complete with replica tommy guns! Bizarrely, his own name was Tommy. Wife then took herself and their beautiful daughter down South to visit her mother, and wisely, never came back. Anyway honey, deep in my heart, I know that one day this matter will be resolved because he wants to make me happy, he always has, just as I 'give in' to him. Incidentally, I enquired about helping out at shelters, but the two I tried, and the SSPCA one, said they have been inundated with volunteers. I will still bear that in mind though as I'm sure when folk start going back to work, they will drop out.

Issi
Post Reply