Less Affectionate Cat

[noname]

hello. i somehow feel sad that my cat [it’s been about 8 months since I got her] (she’s 10 months old plus) isn’t as affectionate. I know, there will be people telling me that’s just her personality, and of course we need to respect that. but, sometimes, I believe even if I try hard to be ok with it, I would still feel sad. It feels like she hates me. It’s like normal to still hug your cat, give kisses, or simply cling on to your cat even though your cat hates them because it’s too hard to resist the cuteness. and yeah, I’ve done that too many times to her. but, it’s hard for me to not do that and just let her be distant from me sometimes. i always couldn’t do those for so long because she would get annoyed by moving her tail, biting, or making her claws out. it hurts to see that she gets annoyed with it although I know this is something I can’t control or change. and that hurts so much more. I have to respect her personality. just like how I have my own personality and I want people to respect that.

she also always runs away from me when I get closer even though sometimes I’m not actually trying to get close to her, but just walking. yeah i’m sure, sometimes she thinks it’s because I want to carry her and she doesn't want that. and yeah, I’ve gone closer to her to take and carry her as well.

i know this sounds silly to some people, but I’ve had breakdowns because of this lol. sometimes, i feel hurt to see how other cats are clinging to their owners. they always snuggle, sleep with their owners together, give head butts, or are simply just loving the company. of course, my cat purrs and thrills a lot of times, especially when she’s resting and I pet her like giving the back of the head scratches, belly rubs, chin rubs. as well as when I pet her while she’s eating. she has also come on to my legs to rub against them, but not often though. she has also come to places I went to like the kitchen, or when I watched the TV in the living room, etc. she just rested somewhere over there or just came over.

I don’t know what to do, it actually really hurts me that she doesn’t seem so loving with me. please don’t tell me, if i shouldn’t have gotten a cat. i want a cat and i’ve always wanted a cat, but it’s just that i feel hurt that she doesn’t seem to love me very much. i also know that there are cats that may be introverts and extroverts. some cats are very affectionate while some cats can be less affectionate. I know to respect her boundaries as she has things she likes and she doesn’t. but, it’s hard for me too somehow.

I somehow may need some advice and reassurance. some nice words would do. i love my cat, but i feel bad about this as well. thanks to everyone that has read this, and thanks for the help if there will be any. thank you.

[fjm]

I think the problem may be that to you, hugs, cuddles and carrying are ways of showing your love for your cat, and to her they feel dangerous and restrictive, especially now that she is an adolescent. As you already recognise your behaviour is actually driving her away and making her avoid you - not hate you, but just try and tell you that she does not like to be handled in that way. Cats still carry a lot of the instincts and behaviours of the wild creatures they once were - to be restrained and held tightly, unable to escape, screams danger to them and they will do whatever is necessary to avoid that danger.

If you want a cat that comes to you for stroking, relaxes purring on your lap, and loves to spend as much time with you as possible you will need to start by changing your own behaviour. Stop grabbing her, stop picking her up, stop demanding attention from her. Learn how to exchange smiles across the room instead - catch her gaze and slowly close and open your eyes; respect her space and let her come to you, and when she does do not restrain her but just offer a tickle behind the ear and let her decide if she wants more. Play with her - rolling a ball, dragging a toy, swinging a fishing rod toy. Find some healthy treats that she likes - cooked chicken for example - and offer her tiny tastes when she comes to you. There are so many ways of loving her that do not involve squeezing! And if you really cannot resist grabbing and cuddling, even when she is telling you so clearly that she hates it, then buy a very, very cute soft toy and when the impulse overwhelms you grab that instead! Then play another more appropriate game with your fascinating, complicated, intelligent, communicative cat companion.

[Mollycat]

I'm certainly not going to say you shouldn't have a cat, you obviously love your cat, and with a little bit of help I think your cat will love you. But you will need to think cat and do cat first, so that your cat trusts you, and trust is the basic foundation stone for every close loving relationship. Trust is earned, and it's earned by giving respect.

First let me explain, my cat Molly has taught me all this over the past 8 years, she was 6 years old when I took her on from a couple who were breaking up who had her from 9 months old. She is a traumatised cat - after 8 years with me she is starting to be close to normal, but I can't hug her or kiss her or even pick her up and she won't sit on my lap. The trauma was not with the couple, it happened when she was a kitten, up to 9 months old. She was loved, but her home was chaotic and noisy, the kind of home where people shout across the room and up the stairs, run instead of walk, and have rough physical games like pillow fights. She was never hurt or abused, but her need for quiet was not respected and she was picked up and cuddled when she didn't want to be. As a result she was scared of people, plastic bags, trainers, flapping clothes, sudden movements and anyone moving or loud voices. Over 8, nearly 9, years, I have made her environment quiet and peaceful, I have always made sure she is left alone when she wants to be. She gradually learned she doesn't have to hiss or lash out to be left alone, though I do have a scar in my eyelashes where I pushed her too far once, but lucky for me she is more run and hide than attack, or she would be a very dangerous cat. Please don't traumatise your kitten by trying to force love on her. Mine should be your cautionary tale, your wake-up call to how important it is to respect a cat's personal space.

She's a kitten, she wants to play. Engage her in play with toys, sit back and learn to love her for the amazing fascinating cute, funny, intelligent little animal that she is. Watch her develop her hunting and climbing skills, admire how she washes herself, meet her in her world. Give her a chance to choose to come to you, as she gets older and calmer and the trusting bond between you grows. But honestly if you keep going squishing and grabbing and smothering, you run a very real risk of making her into a traumatised fearful and potentially angry and dangerous cat that will take years for someone else to help.

[noname]

thank you so much guys for the replies. i appreciate all the words so much. these actually make me feel better and help me to see things better and more clearly. i hope these help me improve myself and this whole situation. i want to wait until the day when we truly have a bonding. a true bonding that lasts forever. thanks so much for the replies once again guys. sending so much love and hugs to all of you, including your cats! my kitty’s name is monnie btw!