Help advice needed

[ladymissk]

Hi there
Ive just returned to catchat after a long absence, please help me.

My best friend sadly passed away on Friday, I have his cat and always promised him I would look after her. I have 2 cats of my own, and she hates them. She has always been a lone cat and very spoilt, one of my cats is terrified of her and he is a very nervous stray we took in.
I know my friends auntie may take her, nut I would love to keep her as I promised my friend I would, but what is best for her? Do you think she will adapt, and my cats will accept her?

[ladymissk]

Is anyone here??

[nannymcfee]

Hello, it may help to post in the behaviour page on here,more may reply, i can not help but thank you so much for looking after your friends cat at this sad time, bless you,

If it stress's your cats too much , although it can take time for them to adjust it may work out, but. is the Auntie close enough for you to visit the cat if she goes to live with her, and then you could still show it the love your friend knew you will give her,.

I have my own cat and have taken on 2 more, but even though i have swapped bedding/smells/toys and lots more over the course of nearly 2 years with the first stray, mine still hates her, and would never be able to have them in same room...and don't think he will ever...

take care,

[Lilith]

Hi there, very sorry to hear about your friend but I'm glad that the cat has got such solid concern and support.

Settling in does depend on the cats of course. I've lost count of how many 'strangers' (both permanent and temporary freeloaders wandering in for a feed of biscuits before I secured the garden) have moved into my household but, after ructions of course, they've usually shaken down together. It's impossible to predict reaction or timescale, but time is the remedy. In this house all the doors have to be left open except for the stair door in the coldest weather, so I can't isolate a newcomer though if you can, it's a good idea to begin with.

The only real feud I experienced was in my Siamese breeding days. I had a three-quarter Siamese girl, known as 'The Leopard', who objected to one of my kittens, Majdhar. As Majdhar grew up and, un-neutered, intended as a breeding queen, she got very bolshy - and nobody, but nobody, pushed my Leopard about! Majdhar had to be neutered; she refused to mate with the stud, but the situation never improved - but when Majdhar, in later life, became terminally ill, the Leopard was the one who sat with her and washed her...

I often have 'upstairs cats' and 'downstairs cats'. I do at the moment but they all feed together. Cats are basically communal though they like to carve out their own territory. I do hope you can keep your friend's cat, but it's no disgrace to admit defeat and it's good that his aunt is there as a safety net. This is a very difficult time for you, but try not to worry too much, and I do hope the cats settle down together as hoped for. Just give them time x

[ladymissk]

Thank you so much for your replies, at the moment I think she is a bit confused, altho she seems to be scared of one cat more than the other? Mine are both boys, is this a problem you think?

[nannymcfee]

my cat is a boy and the strays are neutered girl( tortie) and boy ( black ) ( and they get on quite well, sleep by each other within a foot and eat in same room even though they haven't known each other long), i just think its the individual cat, as in the past all my cats have got on, all waif and strays i have brought in...think mine is just a jealous little horror

How old is the little cat? did she used to go outside when she was home with your friend, did she meet other cats?... i bet its such an upheaval for her, and for your two,

did you bring all her old toys/bed etc from her old home so she would have lots of familiar things here,

i would give it a little while before you decide what to do, it is normally girls who i find are boss of the home, so you having 2 boys may well work after a time....

[ladymissk]

Shes 7, she didn't go out a lot because my friend worked odd shifts, but when she did she was very territorial and didn't like cats coming in the garden. I didn't know whether it would be a good thing to bring anything back as she would be able to smell her daddy, and wonder where he is? Do you think I should bring her old toys, and a jumper she used to sleep on?

[nannymcfee]

If it isn't too upsetting for you, i would bring some of her toys, for her to have to comfort her, some others may be able to help re the jumper, but it may help, perhaps if you placed it with a new fleece in her bed then gradually removed the jumper over time, that may help...

is she a tortie ? i had one once and even though she was fine inside with our other cats, outside even if she saw any form of animal in HER garden she'd be a right little banshee ...

[Lilith]

Lol Nannymcfee - my Dreadful Dangerous Leopard was a tortie - whew, what a cat! Mind you I had another tortie, my lovely Tess (who I first met when she had a bellyful of little D'Urbervilles) and she was so gentle...But I've heard torties can be little devils

Yeah Ladymissk I definitely agree re the toys/woolly, whatever may make her feel at home, do hope she settles, ah yes, and again agree re neutered boys - they do tend to be more peaceable than girls and adapt faster to a newcomer.

All the very best - you'll get there - keep us posted

[ladymissk]

Thank you, no shes pure black, a right little diva, her daddy spoiled her rotten I will bring her toys and a jumper tomorrow, I will keep you all posted thanks so much x

[ladymissk]

Update to my problem. Beryl seems to be settling down a bit. Im obviously not letting her out yet, she sleeps most of the time. She doesn't seem as frightened of my two boys, but Im still keeping them separate at night. This Morning I left all the doors in the house open and she went to sleep in my bedroom in a corner, my two were on the bed, you think this is a good sign?

[Lilith]

I do indeed - they're already beginning to adapt to each other - congrats!

[Kay]

it's certainly not a bad sign, as clearly she is not determined to avoid them, or their scent

I suspect she will be bossing the boys around before too long - and they will probably quite enjoy it, though they probably won't show it

you've done a very kind thing by this girl, and she and you deserve it to work out well, so my fingers are crossed for you, but not too hard because I doubt you will need much luck - commonsense and of course our invaluable advice will do it

[nannymcfee]

I am so glad you posted the update i had wondered how little Beryl was getting on, did you bring her toys and jumper over to yours is that why she is more settled?

As its early days yet, and all in the same bedroom, i really think it will work out just fine,...guess your friend will be really proud of Beryls new mummy ...

[lilynmitz]

It might be that you've introduced them all too quickly, and that's why you got such strong reactions from them. Beryl must be feeling very confused and has no idea what's happening to her, and your two are wondering why there's suddenly this stranger living in their house. We would usually advise that the intros be done very slowly - see this link.

http://www.catchat.org/hierarchies.html" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false;

But you've obviously bypassed a lot of these steps, albeit that the cats have adapted to some degree already. If things are still looking stressed, or get worse, try going back to the early stages of this process (see the link) and starting again, to give them all a bit of breathing space and a bit longer to adjust.

And yes, I think it would be a really good idea to bring some stuff from her old home, ideally that smells of her, eg her old blankets, bedding, toys etc, and maybe rub some of these round the house at cat-head height, so that your cats can get used to her scent around the house, and it will also smell more familiar to her. Using a feliway diffuser may also help them all settle to the new routine a bit better.

I know you made a promise to your friend (and I'm sorry to hear of your loss), but I feel the main thing would be for your friend to know that you have put Beryl's best interests first. If she really ca't settle into your home, it may be kinder to help her find a good and loving home where she will be the only cat again. You may be able to do this through a rescue centre, but acting as her fosterer, so that she doesn't have to go into kennels. It might be worth bearing this in mind as a plan B, if Plan A just makes everyone miserable. I know if it was my cat, that's what I would prefer to happen.

But having said all that, it does sound like you've made some positive steps to getting her integrated, so just carry on at a slow pace for a while and see how it goes. They may all surprise you!

[ladymissk]

Thanks guys, shes still hissing at one cat more than the other. I did bring some things from the house, but to be honest it has upset me to much to look at my friends things. I brought a toy for her, and she played a bit today.
I was wondering why she dislikes one cat more than the other its very odd?

[lilynmitz]

"I was wondering why she dislikes one cat more than the other its very odd". That's cats for you!

[ladymissk]

Just an update on Beryl...she is settling in quite well. Im taking her to the vets Sunday as her claws are really long, she didnt go out much as my friend worked shifts.
I took her round the garden in my arms but she didnt seem to like it, is this normal? She sits looking out the window and I wonder if she wants to go out?
My other 2 cats seem to be ok, one just ignores her but the other one still seems very nervous of her. Ill keep you posted!!

[Kay]

I suspect it was the being carried she wasn't happy with, rather than being outside

I've found that far more cats dislike being carried than like it, and even then over the shoulder is preferred to being cradled

[ladymissk]

Do you think I should let her out yet?

[Kay]

I wouldn't let her out yet unless she asks really persistently - if we have a decent day weather wise you could try leaving the door to the garden open to see what she does, but wait until a meal is due so you have a good chance of luring her back in without having a heart attack

letting them out for the first time is always a bit of a heart in the mouth moment for all of us, whatever the circumstances, but I can't remember reading of a any cats who have never been seen again, so have courage

[ladymissk]

Thanks, Ive just taken her to the vets and she had an ingrown claw, poor little thing
otherwise she had a clean bill of health....Ill keep the door open and see if she wants to go out. She had been sleeping a lot, but Im wondering if this was because her paw was hurting her?

[Kay]

an ingrown claw would certainly make her reluctant to walk around much, so the sleeping may be more a case of lying down dozing, which cats seem capable of doing 23 hours a day - at least mine do

I'd say wait and see how the hopefully not too distant warmer weather effects her - I bet she'll be glad to get out in the garden when she has a chance of feeling some sun on her whiskers

[ladymissk]

an ingrown claw would certainly make her reluctant to walk around much, so the sleeping may be more a case of lying down dozing, which cats seem capable of doing 23 hours a day - at least mine do

I'd say wait and see how the hopefully not too distant warmer weather effects her - I bet she'll be glad to get out in the garden when she has a chance of feeling some sun on her whiskers

Hi everyone
Just thought Id give an update on Beryl..shes settled in fine, but she still wont go out? She didn't really go out a lot before but she did potter round the garden. She looks so bored, so I bought her a harness and took her in the garden, she hated it!!!
The only time Ive let her out she ran under next doors decking, and Im so scared she will run off...she hates other cats and Im scared she might panic. Any suggestions? She looks so bored....
Thanks Guys x

[nannymcfee]

I would not use the harness, as heard horror stories of the cat fleeing with them on, and then they can become tangled.

I have 2 strays and my own and the 2 would stay in all day and night and sleep and eat if they could.

Do you think the idea of an older placid playmate ( boy) would be a good idea? would she take to another cat now .

if not has she got toys that stimulate her, ( different levels of shelves , toys that make sounds )

I am sure that others will have good ideas.

Thank you for the further update.

[Lilith]

Hullo again, well as others have said, I wouldn't push her if she doesn't want to go out.

My Mouse was an unsocialised feral until she joined me as an adolescent; now she makes the back bedroom her domain; admittedly she's 13 but still very determined when she wants a love, or to be first at the food bowl, even before the evil younger cat who would like to boss everybody including me lol. My garden's secured now and on warm days (when did we have any warm days???) Mousey comes out sometimes but otherwise potters about upstairs or visits cousin Emily in the living room. She just seems to have chosen to be an indoor cat and I wonder if this is the case with Beryl?

Personally I wouldn't worry too much about Beryl looking bored. In my experience a bored cat is an absolute little devil and lets you KNOW when it's bored.

To me it sounds as if Beryl has settled nicely with you - she's had the ups and downs of losing her previous friend and home but sounds like she's just content to chill with you in your house. Also they do change as they mature.

Good on yer for taking her in by the way - she's a lucky cat

[SarahT1 [PLLE]]

Hello

Just to add to this, it sounds as if you've been really working hard with the little girl, bless her. I think cats often do LOOK bored - they can sit for hours just staring into space, sitting at an open door, but not going out. But as Lilith says, if she was bored, she'd be demanding that you do something about it! Have you tried some new toys with her - Cat's Meow is usually a hit. My Pepsi is very old and doesn't play much, but she does love attention, and sometimes all she wants is me to sit with her, not doing much, just chilling. That is more to her than anything, and Beryl may agree!

[Kay]

have you tried sitting outside near the open back door, when it's sunny, of course - my two always come running up for fuss when I sit outside on the patio, much more than they do indoors, so maybe your girl could be tempted out if fusses were on offer - and she would be safe if just outside the door - another benefit is loose hair floats off instead of forming dustballs along the skirting board

[ladymissk]

Thanks guys for your great tips!
She has settled with my 2 cats, well one of them, shes better than she was but shes a bit wary of one of them, maybe its because they are both boys?
Ive bought her the JML cat arch and she loves it! I play with her every morning before work with her shoelace..which consists of me dragging an old green shoelace round the floor for her to chase! It is actually her birthday today so she has been spoiled and had salmon lol.
I love her so much shes the only connection I have with my friend, that's why Im so scared of her running off as I promised him I would look after her.
I will definitely try the back door tip when the weather gets better, once again thanks so much guys, I really appreciate your help. Ill keep you updated xx

[SarahT1 [PLLE]]

Oh, that's a lovely update. Well done. My oldest girl, Pepsi, belonged to my friend who died three years ago. She came to live with me because her husband couldn't cope with her. It was the best thing we ever did. I love her so much too, I can really relate to your feelings for Beryl. Love to you all.xxx