Desperate for some impartial advice please

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esme_cat
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Desperate for some impartial advice please

Post by esme_cat »

Hello All,

I've been lurking on CatChat for a while soaking up advice and I've finally decided to register and (hopefully) get some good independent advice re: our situation. First off I'd like to say I am a responsible person with feelings so if you start feeling the need to verbally abuse me, please count to 10 and don't. I'm really trying to do the best by everyone, cat included.

The story starts last summer when our much loved cat of many years died - it was awful, everyone took it very, very hard. I still miss her very much.

Fast forward 3 months and we adopted two 6 month old kittens from the local rescue. They seemed to be settling in - one was a frisky delight, energetic and cuddly, the other one a bit skittish and followed the other one around alot. They were very well bonded. I didn't feel very well bonded to them, but I though 'these things take time'. I must admit I found the skittishness quite hard to deal with though.

Fast forward 3 months.....the frisky delight is no longer with us. She became unwell and it turns out she had no/little muscle in her bowl, had megacolon, probably congenital according to the vet after a 2K op, multiple enemas & investigations. The vet recommended euthanasia or removing her bowel which would give her a lifetime of diarrhea and he admitted this wasn't much of an option. At the same time this was going on our 10 year old son was becoming increasingly unwell and eventually hospitalized for 2 weeks. We discovered he has developed a lifetime chronic illness akin to diabetes. As you can imagine this is taking a lot of coming to terms with for all of us including him. He will be on medication for the rest of his life which may well be cut short short as a result.

The advice I would like is regarding the remaining cat who is now 9 months old. This cat is affectionate, often quite needy with me, but skittish around family life. If this were a quieter house and we wanted a cat who 'lodged' with us, rather than a furry member of the family it would be fine, but our house is now a very stressful place with many visitors, some having to stay on an off while my husband and I have to stay at the hospital with our son. Our children like the cat, but I'm not sure I see a deep loving bond on either side. I feel very responsible for the cat and do all the feeding, litter tray etc for it but bearing in mind everything that has happened I don't feel any special bond and it's general skittishness makes me feel tense and on edge when really I need to not be like that.

I can't decide whether we should try and find a new home for her while she is still quite young. In the short term it would unsettle her, but in the long term she may me more happy in a quieter household, maybe living with someone with another cat she can make friends with. I also think that she misses her friend which makes me feel so very, very guilty.

I've gone over this 1000 times, even considering adopting a second kitten to replace the other one, but I think bearing in mind our sons illness and the fact we cold end up in a worse situation I've decided that this isn't a sensible option.

Does anyone have any constructive advice please ????
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Lilith
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Re: Desperate for some impartial advice please

Post by Lilith »

Hi and welcome :)

If you've been lurking on the forum for a while, I think you must realise that no way are any of us going to abuse you. The cats come first, it's true, but I feel we all want to give constructive help rather than negatively 'having a go'.

I'm very very sorry to hear about the loss of your older cat and then the new one, and also your son's illness.

As for the remaining cat. Some cats can be like this. My youngest is. She was taken in by a lively household (children of all ages, other older cats) as a kitten - and within a week had made herself so obnoxious that the senior cats moved out! Her owners were also worried about keeping her with a new baby about; she is extremely aggressive when she wants to be, but after 5 years I've learned to avoid anything that triggers this. But with time she's also become extremely affectionate and possessive - when SHE wants to be, but if anyone wanted a 'pussycat' she wouldn't fit the bill at all. I love her, but other owners might not find her at all to their taste. But time has been the remedy with her.

What you're saying, I feel, is that you wish you'd chosen a more affectionate and laid-back cat, a 'family pet', but that you've ended up with a detached cat who 'lodges' with you. And looking at it from the cat's point of view, as you've noted, she may well still be grieving for the loss of her companion and without her companion may feel very detached even from her home.

So there are a couple of options here. On the 'rescue and rehoming' section you'll find a list of shelters near you; you could put your cat up for adoption - BUT, the shelters are entering their busiest period just now with the beginning of the 'kitten season' and if your girl isn't overly affectionate and forthcoming, she isn't going to be rehomable. As a brilliant rescue worker remarked to me, 'there aren't enough homes even for the nice ones'. All cats are nice of course but a cat in rescue has to 'sell itself'.'

Another option could be to give your girl a companion to replace the one she's lost. I'd recommend an older male, a laid back type, who might be able to bring your shy girl out of her shell and re-integrate her into the household. When my problem child Molly arrived, I had a sweet older ginger guy, Finn, who Molly adopted as her 'uncle' - sadly Finny passed away a couple of years later. The rescues are overflowing with unwanted older cats needing a home in a loving household ... or am I being sentimental here?

But just a thought.

Hopefully there will be other people on here with more advice - but truly we're committed to supporting your cat and you and (unlike some other forums) we won't have a go at you. Good luck :)
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Re: Desperate for some impartial advice please

Post by Ruth B »

Welcome to the forum and I am sorry it isn't in better circumstances.

Firstly I will say I really hope your son's condition stabilises and the medication can control it, if it can control it then every year there is a chance that something new might come out which will improve things further, we can only live in hope.

As for the thought of someone abusing you for posting this, NO ONE has the right to abuse anyone else, they may be disagreements, but we should all be adults about it and be prepared to discuss options. You are trying to make a very difficult decision at a time when you have enough stress in your life with everything else.

As for the issue with the cat, have you talked it over with the rest of your family. You say they don't seem that bonded with her, but that could be very different to how they feel about letting her go. If you do decide to keep her then if possible make sure there is a place she can go and get out of the way if the activity in the house is too much for her, a safe hiding place where she knows she won't be disturbed might make her feel more confident when she is out and about. If there are too many strangers about she will have somewhere to go to be away from them. It might feel like she is a bit of a lodger at the moment, but in time she will probably grow in confidence and be very affectionate, but it will take time.

Now to my own experience, which might help. Two years ago I adopted a pair of young cats, each about 6 months old after we had lost one of our other cats to old age. We still had a 12 -13 year old moggy and decided that getting two youngsters might mean they played together and gave her a bit of piece. Saturn was, and still is a very forward, outgoing young lad, not scared of anything and without a care in the world. Freyja was a very scared young cat who you could barely get near, it was months before I could even stroke her, and I still can't pick her up and cuddle her. She had however bonded a bit with Saturn and gained a bit of courage from him. Two years later and Saturn is still the same, a typical 'lad', Freyja, however has changed her allegiance and now takes her lead from Tiggy our old cat, and follows her around, if Tiggy is happy and content then Freyja is, if Tiggy is purring and getting fuss then Freyja will approach and accept being stroked.

My thought is, instead of another kitten would yours be better with an gentle older cat, young enough to play a bit, but old enough to be a calming influence. You might also find a calm, older cat helps the rest of the household stress levels reduce. You might also want to consider discussing things with a local charity, they might have older long term cat in need of a good foster home, that way if worse came to the worst you know that you would have someone willing to take at least one cat back and possibly both if the two bonded well.

Giving up a pet is an incredibly hard decision to make, trying to decide what is best for you, your family and the cat can tear you apart.

I also have to say I agree with your vet, a cat with permanent diarrhea is not going to be living a happy life, cats are by their very nature clean animals and being unable to keep herself clean no matter how hard she tried would only lead to an unhappy animal and no quality of life.

Sorry if I haven't really given an answer to the question, but hopefully I have given you somethings to think about which might help lead you to a solution.
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Kay
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Re: Desperate for some impartial advice please

Post by Kay »

I can well understand your stress what with one thing and another, and have no doubt you are looking for a solution for all concerned

I would like to ask what you mean by skittishness though, as it doesn't mean much to me - could you explain what behaviour you are finding difficult - also you don't mention whether she has been spayed, and if she has access to outdoors, which are important as regards her character

as Lilith says, this is not the best time to be looking to rehome a cat, but getting her on rescue waiting lists now won't do any harm, even if you change your mind

and I wonder if a discussion with the family might help to clarify everyone's thoughts, including the children - even the wider family if there is anyone who might take your cat for a bit, even if not permanently, to see if another home helps you and her
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Re: Desperate for some impartial advice please

Post by esme_cat »

Hello & thank you for your replies.

I hadn't thought of an older cat adoption as a companion for her - I'd just assumed that an older cat might be 'set in it's ways' at bit. I will give this some thought, thank you for the suggestion :)

I hear what you're saying Lilith about this being kitten time and to be honest I'd be happy to let her stay here until a new home was found rather than go to the shelter - as long as they would advertise her on their website. I'd hate to think of her in a little cage at the shelter.

I do wonder if she's become 'guilty by association' - she is a constant reminder of how awful it was when her friend was put to sleep and there has been a lot of stress and anguish and at times anger & frustration in the house while coming to terms with our sons illness & future. There have been times when I've felt her lack of 'chill' was the last straw.
esme_cat
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Re: Desperate for some impartial advice please

Post by esme_cat »

Kay wrote:I can well understand your stress what with one thing and another, and have no doubt you are looking for a solution for all concerned

I would like to ask what you mean by skittishness though, as it doesn't mean much to me - could you explain what behaviour you are finding difficult - also you don't mention whether she has been spayed, and if she has access to outdoors, which are important as regards her character

as Lilith says, this is not the best time to be looking to rehome a cat, but getting her on rescue waiting lists now won't do any harm, even if you change your mind

and I wonder if a discussion with the family might help to clarify everyone's thoughts, including the children - even the wider family if there is anyone who might take your cat for a bit, even if not permanently, to see if another home helps you and her
Hi, thanks for your reply. By skittish I mean jumpy. She can be affectionate and cuddly - especially to me but as soon as there are a few other family members (ie children - we have 3) chatting and doing what families do she bolts. One to one she is okay which makes me think she may be better in a quieter household. And yes she is chipped, spayed and has access to outdoors - although she will only really go out at night. She doesn't have any toilet issues either.

The thing I find difficult is her inability to enjoy and take part in family company - ie she likes me, she likes my older daughter as we're both generally quiet and calm, but she would never come and sit in a room with a few of us - in fact she won't even go in the living room during the day. She comes downstairs from sleeping once the children are going to bed.
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Re: Desperate for some impartial advice please

Post by bobbys girl »

Hello and welcome to CC.

I've read your post and the replies several times and while I agree with most of the comments, I keep coming back to the fact that you don't mention the name of the cat. This makes me think you have really not bonded with her. Perhaps with all that is going on right now it would be best for all of you if she found a new home. You would need to sit down and discuss it as a family (and that will probably be very difficult).

Perhaps, as has been suggested, a family member could take her or you could keep her until another home was found. She doesn't sound happy and you certainly have enough on your plate right now.

As for your son, let me share something. My OH was diagnosed with diabetes in 2004. For the first few years, he did as he was told by the doctors and took all his meds. The side effects of both the disease AND the drugs really dragged him down. Then over the course of a couple of years he/we did some research and altered our diet a little and, long story short, today he is off 90% of his meds and says he has not felt as good in years.

At a recent diabetic clinic the doctor told him all the 'numbers' are great and 'whatever you are doing, keep it up.' :D

I send all good wishes your way and hope you can sort something out that benefits you all. x
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Re: Desperate for some impartial advice please

Post by Lilith »

Hi Bobbys girl, we overlapped, but I'll post this anyway :)

Hi, Esme, I can relate to what you're saying; when you're in overload you can cope with the heaviest stuff but a small detail drives you round the bend? Been there done that myself.

However, there aren't many cats who will stick around in a crowd; I'd say her behaviour, waiting until it's quieter and then seeking you and your elder daughter, is pretty normal for the average cat. I've lived with cats for 60 years and I've only ever met one true extrovert, the above-mentioned ginger tom. (But I swear he was half golden labrador lol.)

You could decide to buy a kitten of a reputedly 'extrovert' breed and end up with a total sourpuss! It's happened. But that's cats for you. They call the shots.

From what you describe you do seem to have a relationship with this cat despite your misgivings. And we're here to support you, whatever your decision, so please keep in touch and keep updating and if you just need to offload, we're here :)
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Kay
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Re: Desperate for some impartial advice please

Post by Kay »

I agree with Lilith - very few cats will stay around where there are a lot of people, and lots of coming and going.

Just a thought - you don't say how old your eldest daughter is, but I'm wondering if she would become the main carer for your cat, feeding her and perhaps spending time with her in her bedroom, which could be private space for them both. It could be rewarding for them both.
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Re: Desperate for some impartial advice please

Post by Oddcat »

Hi,

I totally understand how it feels to not bond with a cat. We had Rosie (a 6 month old rescue kittie at the time) as a friend for Oddcat, who seemed lonely after we'd had Tinkerbell PTS at the grand old age of 20.

With hindsight, I hadn't given myself time to get over the loss of Tinkerbell, I was under a lot of pressure at work, and had a very poorly close relation. But hey, hindsight is a wonderful thing!

I just couldn't bond with Rosie. She was disinterested in me, a bit distant, and didn't want the cuddles Tinkerbell had enjoyed. I remember feeling like I had a stranger in my home. It's difficult to explain, but it was very upsetting and unsettling; and made me feel like a bad person.

But I stuck with it, and slowly I came to love and appreciate Rosie for the wonderful cat she was. I was wrong to expect her to be like Tinkerbell, or any other cat. She had a lovely personality of her own.

That was 7 years ago, and Rosie is now firmly in my heart. As she settled and we relaxed into each others company she became affectionate and loving, and more confident. I couldn't imagine life without Rosie and my other 3 equally gorgeous furries now.

I wish you all the very best whatever you decide to do. But don't feel bad for struggling to bond, and don't think that the bond won't ever come ... it might ... it probably would. It's possible you and your kittie just need a little more time.
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Re: Desperate for some impartial advice please

Post by esme_cat »

bobbys girl wrote:Hello and welcome to CC.

I've read your post and the replies several times and while I agree with most of the comments, I keep coming back to the fact that you don't mention the name of the cat. This makes me think you have really not bonded with her. Perhaps with all that is going on right now it would be best for all of you if she found a new home. You would need to sit down and discuss it as a family (and that will probably be very difficult).

Perhaps, as has been suggested, a family member could take her or you could keep her until another home was found. She doesn't sound happy and you certainly have enough on your plate right now.

As for your son, let me share something. My OH was diagnosed with diabetes in 2004. For the first few years, he did as he was told by the doctors and took all his meds. The side effects of both the disease AND the drugs really dragged him down. Then over the course of a couple of years he/we did some research and altered our diet a little and, long story short, today he is off 90% of his meds and says he has not felt as good in years.

At a recent diabetic clinic the doctor told him all the 'numbers' are great and 'whatever you are doing, keep it up.' :D

I send all good wishes your way and hope you can sort something out that benefits you all. x
Hi Bobbys girl & thanks for your reply.

First off, I've not mentioned the cats name on purpose. She has an unusual name and I'm quite a private person so would be mortified to be identified online when asking advice I feel is quite personal. But I can see where you're coming from for mentioning it :)

Unfortunately the family member option isn't possible. We have no local family that would be able to re-home a cat, but should we decide to re-home her then yes, I would definitely be happy to keep her here while we found one - I'm very certain that she must go to a good, kind loving home where she'll be happy. I'm not beyond doing a home visit myself if necessary ;)

I agree re: meds an disease - sometimes the meds can cause extra problems and this is certainly something we've discovered. I'm also hoping in time that as we become more accustomed to our sons illness that we discover new things that will help him like your OH has :)
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Re: Desperate for some impartial advice please

Post by esme_cat »

Oddcat wrote:Hi,

I totally understand how it feels to not bond with a cat. We had Rosie (a 6 month old rescue kittie at the time) as a friend for Oddcat, who seemed lonely after we'd had Tinkerbell PTS at the grand old age of 20.

With hindsight, I hadn't given myself time to get over the loss of Tinkerbell, I was under a lot of pressure at work, and had a very poorly close relation. But hey, hindsight is a wonderful thing!

I just couldn't bond with Rosie. She was disinterested in me, a bit distant, and didn't want the cuddles Tinkerbell had enjoyed. I remember feeling like I had a stranger in my home. It's difficult to explain, but it was very upsetting and unsettling; and made me feel like a bad person.

But I stuck with it, and slowly I came to love and appreciate Rosie for the wonderful cat she was. I was wrong to expect her to be like Tinkerbell, or any other cat. She had a lovely personality of her own.

That was 7 years ago, and Rosie is now firmly in my heart. As she settled and we relaxed into each others company she became affectionate and loving, and more confident. I couldn't imagine life without Rosie and my other 3 equally gorgeous furries now.

I wish you all the very best whatever you decide to do. But don't feel bad for struggling to bond, and don't think that the bond won't ever come ... it might ... it probably would. It's possible you and your kittie just need a little more time.
Oddcat, you have hit the nail on the head - I also feel upset and unsettled and yes even though I try not to, I inevitably compare this cat to our old, much loved deceased cat who I still miss very much. As you say hind sight is a wonderful thing :) The situation with our cat is making me feel like a very bad person...in fact I'm probably being a bit hard on myself bearing in mind what we've been through but I feel like my bad feeling towards the cat are highlighting the less savory part of my character.
esme_cat
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Re: Desperate for some impartial advice please

Post by esme_cat »

Lilith wrote:Hi Bobbys girl, we overlapped, but I'll post this anyway :)

Hi, Esme, I can relate to what you're saying; when you're in overload you can cope with the heaviest stuff but a small detail drives you round the bend? Been there done that myself.

However, there aren't many cats who will stick around in a crowd; I'd say her behaviour, waiting until it's quieter and then seeking you and your elder daughter, is pretty normal for the average cat. I've lived with cats for 60 years and I've only ever met one true extrovert, the above-mentioned ginger tom. (But I swear he was half golden labrador lol.)

You could decide to buy a kitten of a reputedly 'extrovert' breed and end up with a total sourpuss! It's happened. But that's cats for you. They call the shots.

From what you describe you do seem to have a relationship with this cat despite your misgivings. And we're here to support you, whatever your decision, so please keep in touch and keep updating and if you just need to offload, we're here :)
Hi Lilith,
I think you're right. We'll see how it goes for a few weeks and then reassess the situation - I always think it's best to set some sort of timescale for big decisions like this. We've all been under so much stress and pressure some of it is bound to have rubbed off on the cat - not to mention losing her friend as well. Thanks for your help :)
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Re: Desperate for some impartial advice please

Post by esme_cat »

Kay wrote:I agree with Lilith - very few cats will stay around where there are a lot of people, and lots of coming and going.

Just a thought - you don't say how old your eldest daughter is, but I'm wondering if she would become the main carer for your cat, feeding her and perhaps spending time with her in her bedroom, which could be private space for them both. It could be rewarding for them both.
Hi Kay,
Thanks for your reply. I can see where you're coming from, but our eldest daughter is still quite young and she shares a bedroom with a noisy younger sister who the cat is nervous of and who is nervous of the cat so I'm not sure that would help :)
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Re: Desperate for some impartial advice please

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esme_cat wrote: I also feel upset and unsettled and yes even though I try not to, I inevitably compare this cat to our old, much loved deceased cat who I still miss very much. As you say hind sight is a wonderful thing :) The situation with our cat is making me feel like a very bad person...in fact I'm probably being a bit hard on myself bearing in mind what we've been through but I feel like my bad feeling towards the cat are highlighting the less savory part of my character.
Hi Esme, we all have a dark side, except some people aren't always so honest. My cats know some very naughty language, and I'm apt to tell them that they'd try the patience of a saint - and I ain't no saint! I think it can be like this for all of us.

When Molly was younger she drove me to the limit, and I too would feel ashamed at how little I seemed to love her. I remember meeting her ex-owner one day and exchanging views on how we'd never met a cat like her before. I asked what they'd called her before I got her. 'Well, all sorts of things really ...' I could well imagine it! Several years on she's still a handful, but, somehow, she's still here, the little horror.

I once knew someone who contemplated owning a cat 'but it's got to be perfect.' I told her that no cat is perfect.

And no owner is either. Try not to beat yourself up over normal human feelings - we all have them ... and if my middle cat, Mouse, doesn't stop skriking for her 'tea' I shall go and throttle the little horror, arrghh grrrr, she starts at lunchtime these days!

Only kidding lol. Your concern is obvious whatever your decision, all the very very best x
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