Feeling extremely anxious about the way I feel

[withoutmyboy]

I have not dealt with death and loss before, my usual coping strategy is to just move it to the back of my brain and not think about it. I’ve not been able to do this with my boy though, as he was intertwined in everything me and my husband did.

He came to us one day, while I was living at my parents. The most beautiful creature I have ever laid eyes on. He was in good health, well looked after, very social. Figured he must belong to someone so didnt pay him much mind. He was still in the garden two, three days later so we let him in and attached a paper collar. No contact and still wearing it two days later, so we took him to the vet. They couldn’t get hold of the owners on the chip and after a week he was rehomed to us. We felt so lucky that day, this precious boy had chosen us.

We moved together as a 3 to our new house by the sea. Everything was perfect, he was like our son. He pined for the outdoors so we had no choice but to let him out when it was time. We assumed he would stay out the back, as he was terrified of cars. We were wrong.

This has absolutely devastated me, we only had him for a year and a half. He was 4, much too young to be gone.

For the first 3 days I sobbed and screamed non stop, I couldn’t understand why someone would just hit a cat, I always brake, so why couldn’t they?

It’s been 10 days now and I am so scared that I feel “okay”, does that mean I didn’t love my boy? Because I’m certain that I did, he meant the world to me. I don’t want to feel okay, I don’t want to let him go. He was my soul cat so why don’t I feel much at the moment?

This is very rambling and I’m sorry, I don’t have anyone to talk to about this. I can’t keep burdening my mum and my husband with my constant thoughts. But I really need someone to talk to

[fjm]

You are not forgetting him, you are not letting him down, you are not negating what he means to you. Your mind and body are slowly healing from overwhelming grief, just as they would from a physical injury. Hold him in your heart, cry when you need to, but accept also that the sun still rises, the Spring still comes, birds sing and life goes on. I have had many losses in my life - beloved animals, friends, family - each time it seems impossible that one can survive such sorrow, but with time, little by little, it becomes more bearable. Some people find it helps to make a collection of the very best photos and memories, for others every reminder is too painful to contemplate; for some another animal to care for helps fill the aching void, for others the thought is impossible. We are all different, and we cope with grief in different ways, but remember you loved him fiercely when he needed you most, thought of him not of yourselves, and gave him the best life you could in the short time he was with you. That is something to be proud of.

We do not forget, but we learn to live with the loss. And if we are lucky we learn that the love we felt never dies, but brings more beings to love and to love us, and grows and expands to embrace them.

[Kay]

grief brings numbness too - you will have moments when your sense of loss is overwhelming again, and later down the line moments when you feel very sad at his loss - but humans are not meant to live in suffering and grief - we are meant to have the happiness you had with your boy, and will one day feel for another soul who needs you

a strong love doesn't die, but it can be redirected, and what a good thing that is, otherwise there would be a lot more unwanted cats languishing in rescues than there already are

[bobbys girl]

Nothing more to add to those two excellent posts. Just to say, you are in my thoughts. I lost my darling Tommy to the road and there is not a day that goes by that I don't think about him, sometimes sad, sometimes happy.

[Lilith]

I agree - previous posts have said it all.

So very very sorry to hear about your lad.

You have my sympathies and then some; this is tearing you apart. Please believe though that guilt is (somehow, amazingly) part of the normal burden of bereavement. Had your boy lived to twenty-something and died quietly of old age in his sleep, you would still feel guilty ... 'why couldn't I have been with him, why couldn't I have given him an extra cuddle before I went to sleep ...' you know the sort of thing. Been there done that; no matter how old or ill the cat is, how peaceful the death at home.

It's a very cruel experience for you, coming new to this. I have a lifetime's mental health problems and a LOT of experience in handling anxiety ... but still I know how hard this hits. You're never blunted. I lost my lovely Tess to the road when she was only 7 and was going out of my mind with the shock and grief, but shortly afterwards I found a Mind helpline and a counsellor who has been marvellous ... for over 10 years. (I won't access the NHS or meds.)

If you need to talk, and talk about your anxiety and grief, I do recommend your local Mind, either helpline or counselling. You DON'T have to have a history of mental illness, and furthermore they're instantly accessible, and human too, unlike the NHS (sorry if this sounds a bit subjective, but it's what has worked for me and I can't help suggesting it to you if you're worried about overloading your mother and husband. We DO need to talk in this situation.)

And of course there's us lot here - we're always here and always ready to support you. All the very very best, love, Lil x

[Lilith]

And while we're on the subject - only just heard this -

If you have pet insurance, many insurance plans actually pay for bereavement counselling ...

Again, all the very very best, love, Lil x

[BobbiRobbie]

I can't add much to what has already been said. I'm sorry for your loss and like everyone here, I relate to your pain. I lost my beautiful boy Charlie on new year's day, albeit under difference circumstances.

Like you, there are days when I feel "okay" and yet I feel I'm betraying him because I think to be "okay" means I no longer miss him or didn't love him. Like others have said, time does heal. I personally don't believe we "get over" losses, but we get used to the loved one no longer being around.

Charlie was (still is) my baby. He gave more to me during our time together than some of my (human) family members. He was truly special and I love him immensely.

Take your time. There is not one way to grieve. We're all different. Some days you may be alright and then out of the blue you might get extremely upset, like I did yesterday. Don't deny your emotions, let them come if they need to. You may have only had your boy for a year and a half, but remember the joy he brought you and the love you gave to one another in that time. That's a true treasure.

Again, I'm sorry for your loss x

[Mayday21]

Hi I can’t add to what’s already been posted by those who gave me support when I lost Mayday. All I can say is don’t fight your emotions it’s part of the grieving process & Lilith’s advice is thoughtful & wise. RIP little un. Vivian

[bobbys girl]

Take your time. There is not one way to grieve. We're all different. Some days you may be alright and then out of the blue you might get extremely upset, like I did yesterday. x

Sorry to hear that, BobbiRobbie, (hugs)
Sue

[BobbiRobbie]

Take your time. There is not one way to grieve. We're all different. Some days you may be alright and then out of the blue you might get extremely upset, like I did yesterday. x

Sorry to hear that, BobbiRobbie, (hugs)
Sue

Thanks Sue x