Sometimes I feel ,like I am back too square 1

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Bertie 2017
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Sometimes I feel ,like I am back too square 1

Post by Bertie 2017 » Wed Dec 19, 2018 10:46 pm

For those who ,don’t know ,I lost my cat Bertie ,last November ,too bladder nerves damage ,
Aged only 7 years old ,losing Bertie ,so young ,and so soon ,all most destroyed me ,Bertie
Was my whole world my everything ,perhaps I loved him ,too much ,now too my point ,
This year has been so hard ,and tough on me ,and every day ,has been a battle in itself ,
And it seems ,just when I feel even the smallest hint ,of happiness ,and I feel ,I am
Coming too ,terms and accepting my loss ,my emotions ,and feelings ,start too overwhelming
Me again ,,and I start missing him ,so much it hurts so bad ,I feel my grief is going around in circles ,and the tears start again ,I suppose my question is ,is this normal for grief ? ,I often
Have been told ,the first year is the worst ? , if that’s true ,then why I am still on this
Rollercoaster ,ride ? ,I feel like ,I am far ,from moving forward with my life ,part of me
What’s too ,the other part ,is scared too , frightened too live a normal life ,yes I understand .lifes isn’t going to be the same ,as it was before ,,but every one in they own time ,
Has too , move on does anyone have any advice for me ?. Thanks. Xx

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Re: Sometimes I feel ,like I am back too square 1

Post by fjm » Thu Dec 20, 2018 8:27 am

No, I don't think this is normal, even for deeply felt grief. Everyone experiences it differently, but for some people it can become a cycle of deepening depression, and I suspect that is what you are experiencing. It is not easy to access psychiatric services, I know, but I think that if you are still feeling such despair 12 months after losing Bertie it is time to ask your doctor to refer you for professional help. What you describe sounds like clinical depression, and that can be very hard to overcome alone.

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Jules20
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Re: Sometimes I feel ,like I am back too square 1

Post by Jules20 » Thu Dec 20, 2018 10:38 am

Hi Bertie

My heart really does go out to you. I am not sure what's 'normal' as you know I am still in early stages and the grief is still very raw for me. I do agree with fjm though that it could be clinical depression and that you should seek help. I have been through this myself after I lost my dad 6 years ago. He was my world having lost my mum age 20 and being an only child and I could not get myself out of the cycle of deepening depression and anxiety. I had a lot of help to do it but I managed to crawl out of that hole and now I am so frightened that losing Merlin will put me back in it as he was my world also. I have a history of not dealing with loss very well and although I know it's early days with Merlin, I know that at some point I will probably have to start actively managing my grief so that I don't go back in that hole again. Sometimes we feel the need to punish ourselves and that we don't deserve to move on and find happiness and this keeps us in that cycle.

Much love
Julia x

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Re: Sometimes I feel ,like I am back too square 1

Post by Lilith » Thu Dec 20, 2018 9:39 pm

Hi Bertie, yes, as Julia says, it's hard to know what is normal ... and I suspect (from my own experiences) that normal may be different for every one of us ...

However, what IS normal in grief is this switchback of good days and sudden setbacks ... calm and accepting one day and in tears and remorse the next ... if I'd the time over with them again I'd have done this differently and that differently, and the guilt for not doing everything perfectly floods back ...

Also, as Fjm says, you're in a lot of distress, and I wonder if this is because of the way Bertie died and if you're suffering from post traumatic stress disorder because of this. This can take a long time to get over. A couple of incidents, one 10 years ago, the other almost 4 years ago, happened to me; I end up (to my annoyance) thinking and agonising about them both every day, even now, and it's not comfortable. But something I've learned to live with. I can't give any sage advice on dealing with this, but I know how it feels.

Hoping this bad patch will pass soon and your inner strength (always there though it might not feel like it at the moment) will re-assert itself, all the best, love and hugs, Lil x

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Re: Sometimes I feel ,like I am back too square 1

Post by Bertie 2017 » Fri Dec 21, 2018 7:33 am

Hi ,friends ,thanks for your support ,it means a lot ,once in a while a cat will come into
Your life ,and turn it upside down ,a cat who is unique ,and special ,that was Bertie ,he
Was very intelligent ,and was always up ,too no good ,Bertie did things ,I thought were ,
Impossible ,for a cat ,he defrosted the fridge one night ,looking for chicken ,flooded
The kitchen .by chewing the washing machine hose ,,and was a little furry wreaking ball ,
My house looked like ,it had been burgled every morning I ,was used too getting up each day .too find ,each room ,turned upside down ,,I often wondered how did I sleep through it all ?
People used too say ,that Bertie was bored ,I say he didn’t have a off switch ,after breakfast
Each morning .bertie would go ,too the back door ,stand up ,and hit the key ring ,I d let him
Out ,he’d be gone all day ,,Bertie was a wonderful cat ,he was there ,when I lost my uncle
And mum ,too cancer ,six months apart ,I’d cry so much ,he’d come too me ,lay down by
My side ,put his paw on my face ,tilt his head ,and even meow ,as if too say Mam I am here ,
I know I wouldn’t ,have made it through ,those dark ,days without him ,he was my rock ,
Bertie was trouble ,free willed ,stubborn ,and hyperactive ,didn’t slow down ,and always one step ahead of me ,he was the perfect furry package ,,one of a kind ,xx

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Re: Sometimes I feel ,like I am back too square 1

Post by issiandarchie+68 » Fri Dec 21, 2018 12:34 pm

Bertie, In regard to your original post, I agree with the comments of fjm and other members of this Forum.. you need professional help. Looking back, I note you have submitted the same posts, almost word for word, many times over. This Forum exists, thankfully, as a very warm and supportive place to reach out to on the loss of a pet but cannot help with mental health issues, neither can the wonderful volunteers who man the Blue Cross helplines, in an earlier post, you say you have contacted them every day in the past year, (365 times). Forgive me for saying this, and I am going to be blunt, but it has crossed my mind on more than one occasion if the picture, as you present it, is all that it seems. I have no doubt you are very sad and upset at the loss of your cat, but you do seem to be 'wallowing', disregarding any help offered or advice. As I don't know you in person, I can only read between the lines of your posts but as a retired psychiatric Ward Sister, my instincts tell me there is something wrong. I am sure you will disregard my advice, and I don't represent the Cat Chat Forum, but I can only reiterate for the health and happiness of yourself, Basil, and your family, please seek psychiatric health counselling and medication as soon as possible. Only you can take that first step.

Issi
Last edited by issiandarchie+68 on Tue Dec 25, 2018 12:02 am, edited 3 times in total.

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Re: Sometimes I feel ,like I am back too square 1

Post by Bertie 2017 » Sun Dec 23, 2018 9:51 pm

Hi sorry I feel after reading ,the post ,at the bottom ,I disagree with some of ,the things
That ,have ,been said ,no I am not angry ,I just feel I need too ,nave my say ,I haven’t
Touch a drop of drink ,over this last year ,and for ringing the blue cross. I haven’t rang
Them as many times ,as you have said,,in fact I haven’t rang them in ages ,I am coping
Well ,with my loss ,I just get my moments ,I am sure every one on this website ,would
Agree ,it isn’t easy ,letting go ,and I am sure , they wouldn’t what people , telling them
Things like ,they are mentally ill ,,that is judging people ,in my opinion ,what people
Need on this website ,is support and understanding ,,cat loss ,is very painful ,and
Affects ,every one differently ,,yes life is different now ,but I am remembering the
Good times ,Bertie and I shared ,, and talking and laughing ,about his character ,
I totally understand ,that ,you are only trying to help ,but things are different now ,
Then earlier this year ,, I have had a tough year but I am looking forward too ,
The new year ,fresh start , and going to enjoy Christmas , something I haven’t done.
In a while ,,I hope they are no hard feelings ,but I have a right too have my say
I wish you and everyone ,a good and peaceful Christmas ,talk care. Xx

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Re: Sometimes I feel ,like I am back too square 1

Post by Bertie 2017 » Mon Dec 24, 2018 12:29 am

Hi ,it’s me again ,I have been reading the post again ,and I am not ,trying ,too grab all ,
The attention ,I am just like everyone else , suffering a lose of a beloved cat ,and if
You ,read ,other people’s posts ,you will see ,I am trying too support other people,by doing so ,I am putting my own ,pain and emotions aside ,too help others ,I also feel ,we shouldn’t
Be afraid ,of expressing our emotions ,and posting how we feel ,on this website ,no matter
How many times ,because isn’t that ,what ,this website is for ,? Helping and supporting
Each other ,not judging ,? Yes I feel I am being judged ,,I hope other people ,don’t take
Offensive ,at this post ,because ,I have had ,loads of kindnesses and support ,from many ,
I feel ,you don’t know or understand me ,all that well ,,and I d be the first ,person
Too see .the doctor ,if I needed help ,I am just like everyone ,trying ,too make sense
Of my loss ,,and trying move on ,it’s just hard sometimes ,
Take care
Xx

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Lilith
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Re: Sometimes I feel ,like I am back too square 1

Post by Lilith » Mon Dec 24, 2018 2:02 pm

Hey Bertie, just to say 'season's greetings' (I don't do Christmas because I'm a Pagan and celebrate Yule and also I just don't like Christmas ... because I'm an oddball I guess :lol: )

Much love to you and Basil and hope you're coping now it's the Eve ... never mind, by Thursday it'll be all over. Yes, please do keep on posting. Love and hugs, Lil x

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Re: Sometimes I feel ,like I am back too square 1

Post by Jules20 » Mon Dec 24, 2018 7:08 pm

Bertie, I have really appreciated your kind words and support so please don't think it has gone unnoticed. As you say you know yourself and would get help if you needed it. I have had to do it in the past and I don't think anyone should feel ashamed if they feel they need help.
I originally came to this forum seeking health information and found some like minded people who also offered me kind words of support after the shock of losing Merlin (I am still in shock to be honest). We don't really know what the day to day lives of others are like, as we are all behind computer screens but we all love (and have lost) cats and that's why I still hang around here.

I don't like Christmas either and I like it even less this year, so I am happy to join Lilith as another oddball! :lol:

Much love
Julia x

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Re: Sometimes I feel ,like I am back too square 1

Post by Bertie 2017 » Mon Dec 24, 2018 8:21 pm

Hi Julia ,thanks for your kind words ,that ,post ,wasn’t directed ,at you ,it’s just some one
Yesterday ,really had ,a go at me ,I understand people are concerned ,about me ,but they
Is no need ,too be a bully or rude ,anyway how’s things ? I know ,it isn’t easy for you at
The moment ,have you decided ,about Xmas ?.as I have said before ,do what is right for you .
Christmas is stressful enough ,without a beloved cat ,loss ,whatever you decide ,so be right
For you ,I am sure people and family will understand ,it’s a tough time , for you ,I do
Hope , you will feel ok

Take care
And have a peaceful Christmas

Xx

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Re: Sometimes I feel ,like I am back too square 1

Post by Jules20 » Mon Dec 24, 2018 11:27 pm

Just staying at home with the husband and having a quiet one this year Bertie.

Please try to take care of yourself and Basil and get through the day as best you can. As Lilith says it'll all be over by Thursday!

Much love and peace to you. Julia x

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Re: Sometimes I feel ,like I am back too square 1

Post by Bertie 2017 » Mon Dec 31, 2018 3:09 am

Hi Julia ,thanks for your message ,yes I ,had a quiet Christmas ,as well visited family on
Boxing Day ,I felt that was long enough , for me ,after losing my Bertie ,I feel ,short trips
Are the best ,so how’s things going now ? ,do you have plans for New Year’s Eve ? I see
It as a fresh start ,putting the last year behind ,and hopefully 2019 will be a better year
For us ,

Take care

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Re: Sometimes I feel ,like I am back too square 1

Post by Jules20 » Mon Dec 31, 2018 5:39 pm

Hi Bertie

Glad you managed to get through Christmas okay. Yes short trips to family I think is a good idea! I tend to stay in these days at new year anyway so we will be having another quiet one with a glass or two.
I miss my Merlin so much, life just isn't the same without him. I know I still have some way to go on this grief journey, so I am just trying to take things day by day.
I am hopeful that 2019 will indeed be a better year for you Bertie. We will always miss them but all we can do is keep putting one foot in front of the other and hope that we will make it through.

Peace & best wishes to you for the new year. Julia x

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Re: Sometimes I feel ,like I am back too square 1

Post by Bertie 2017 » Thu Jan 03, 2019 10:45 pm

Hi Julia ,thanks for your kind and wish ,words ,I believe I posted my thoughts ,about going
Back ,too square one ,when it was coming up ,too Bertie’s 1st anniversary ,and of course
Christmas. Was coming up ,and as you know ,2018 ,had been a tough year ,so it’s no wonder
,my mood and emotions were bad ,but now ,I feel I am moving forward again ,at my own
Pace of course ,it’s my grief ,my journey , I still cry ,that’s normal , I miss my little one
Eyed furry man ,because he ,was my sunshine ,my whole world ,but ,I do get good days,
But like yourself ,I take it one day at a time ,and don’t expect ,too much of myself
Because it’s grief ,you got through your first Christmas ,without your darling merlin .the
1st Christmas is the worst ,and yes as you have said ,you still have a ways too go ,but
You are doing everything right , your keeping merlins memories alive ,and trust me ,
Your happy memories ,will keep you going through the tough times , I will often ,start
Laughing out loud ,at something ,Bertie used too do ,and it helps I feel ,too believing
In the after life ,of course ,people have different opinions , but ,whatever works for you ,
Is the right thing , there is no ,wrong or right way too grief , take care xx

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Re: Sometimes I feel ,like I am back too square 1

Post by graham23s » Mon Jan 14, 2019 9:19 pm

It will get better, it's cliche but it just takes time.

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Re: Sometimes I feel ,like I am back too square 1

Post by Bertie 2017 » Fri Jan 18, 2019 7:52 pm

Hi Graham thanks for the kind words ,yes I agree with you ,it does get ,easier not better ,
Because I believe ,you live ,with this loss ,for the rest of your life ,but I wrote the post
Back in November ,close too Bertie’s first anniversary and Xmas of course ,so my emotions were,all over the place ,but I feel today has been a good day ,so yes I am getting there
Slowly ,taking it one day at a time ,

Thanks and take care x

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