Can't bring myself to accept Tobias is gone

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Rodica v
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Joined: Tue Feb 23, 2021 4:08 pm

Can't bring myself to accept Tobias is gone

Post by Rodica v »

Four years ago I was mourning the sudden loss of my beloved Thomas, whom I raised since he was 3 days old. He was 1 1/2 when we found him dead. I still do not know what happened to him. He had never been sick, he did not look like poisoned or hit by a car. I was devastated and my heart still aches to this day. I had sworn not to take another cat.
And while I was battling depression and heartache, one day we visited some relatives in the country side. They've had kittens of all ages, from 3 different queens, running happily around. All hid when we arrived, but one. He climbed into my lap and fell asleep in my arms. Clearly, he came home with me that afternoon and became my baby. I gave him a pretty name, just like he was: Tobias.
From that day onward we were inseparable. He was the sweetest, the most gentle, the most loving cat ever. With big eyes and a pink nose, wise like an old monk, patient, elegant, perfect in every way. He always, always knew how I felt and was there for me. He always came when I called his name, he had a funny way of pushing his nose against my palm when he wanted to show love or when I petted his back, he purred in a very unique and hilarious way, he woke me up every morning by softly kissing me. He was a bit chubby and lazy. Even when he played, he was, well, conserving energy. 'Bring the toy to the reach of my paw, mom, please!' He was a Tom & Jerry fan and we spent evenings watching cartoons together. He loved his two brothers (we got two more rescue cats after Tobias came home with me) and was protective of them and very tolerant with their mischiefs. "Youngsters..."
He loved me and I loved him to the moon and back.
Two months ago he started to regurgitate his food and looked like lost some weight. We took him to the vet and were given a simple diagnosis. It's just a minor gastritis. Just a few pills and all's well. A couple of week later I took him back to the vet, because Tobias developed a potted belly. From this point all went to hell.
We've seen 6 different vets in 3 different cities, 4 of which qualified as top specialists. Tobias had I do not even recall how many diagnoses. Some basic, some severe. We did all possible investigations. Blood works, ultrasounds, X rays, CT scan, biopsies, etc etc.
None of the vets could confirm any of the diagnosis. Although each was very certain of his / her opinion. FIP, cancer, FeLP, FIV were all infirmed by tests.
Tobias had symptomatic treatment and not more. My desperation that he might become more ill every day to a treatable disease that is not diagnosed while vets went chasing wild geese increased day by day.
All this Time Tobias kept losing weight and ate less and less. Then he started to have troubles climbing. Then he became sad.
Two weeks ago we reluctantly accepted he had surgery. Exploratory laparoscopy, they said. It was the only thing left to do to find out what was wrong.
Everything was wrong! He did not have FIP, cancer, nothing like that. No terminal disease. He was going to die, thou. My greatest fear became reality.
He was not treated for his disease, and it was killing him. It was too late to solve anything by surgery or any therapy. Most likely he had swollen an object which created a huge problem in his abdomen. At the time of surgery all his organs were trapped in an "adherential block". Inoperable.

We took him back home after the surgery. He was weak and had a hard time to recover from anesthesia.
The next day he felt better and we enjoyed a few hours together in the sun. He climbed our apple tree. He smelled all our yard and sunbathed. He kissed me and gave me that big eyed look that will haunt me forever. "Mommy, I want to be with you"
I do too, my love!
We fought together for 7 more days. He tried and somewhat succeeded to eat by himself. He accepted I feed him by syringe and give him meds. He climbed my bed and slept all over me. By luck, he was is no pain, with all the drugs...
And Last Thursday I found him on my bathroom floor, drawing his last breath.
I screamed! I cursed! I cried! I begged God to give him back to me!
I held him in my arms and could not let him go.

But he is gone. Not far. He's in my yard, next to Thomas.
I cannot accept this. I cannot go home and not find him waiting for me in the door way. I cannot take a bath without him keeping company on the edge of the tub and carefully controlling and approving the scent of my soap and hair conditioner. I cannot go on the couch and not have him come sit by my side, pocking my palm with his pink nose. I cannot eat without him sitting next to me, begging in a dignified way by just being there.
I simply cannot!

Diesel and Loki are so loving and beautiful and I love them! I know Tobias asked them to take good care of me. They picked up Tobias's tasks and now I wake with Loki's black nose on my cheek and I scrub Diesel's velvety belly when I sit on the couch.

But no-one and nothing can replace Tobias and I can't bear the pain, the frustration and the disbelief.
Two months!
I've lost him in two months!

Forgive me for the long story.
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