All most four years on ,I am still grieving

Help & Support for those who have lost a beloved cat
Post Reply
Bertie 2017
VIP Cat Chatter!
Posts: 129
Joined: Thu Aug 30, 2018 8:24 pm
No. of cats in household: 1

All most four years on ,I am still grieving

Post by Bertie 2017 »

Hi I lost my seven year old cat ,Bertie on the 25 November 2017 ,and it has almost destroyed
Me , I have never ever felt so much pain ,I miss him so much ,I feel it’s taking over my life ,
And have suffered depression , and have no interest other than video games and my cat ,
Bertie’s brother Basil ,they are the things ,I only get enjoyment from , I feel I have let
Myself full into bad habits ,like sleeping too much ,and hardly eating ,and not doing the
Housework ,even my neighbours have noticed a huge change in me ,not the fun loving and
Care free ,person I used to be , I have withdrawn from normal life ,I even ,pledged no
More cats, in the future ,because I cannot ever put myself through ,a loss like this again ,
Yes I have had some ,councing but the moment ,I showed signs of improvement ,I
Was told ,the sessions had too stop ,because of long waiting lists ,I feel my grief is just
Like a rollercoaster, I ride I cannot ever get off , I feel I had come so far ,but now I
Am slipping back down ,it doesn’t matter what I tell myself ,the truth is ,I miss my
Bertie so much. He was my whole world my everything ,and he was cruelly taken from me.
Too soon ,what did I do to deserve it ? .I feel I will never ever accept my loss ,because
Of the way ,things have changed ,I just wish too live in the past ,when I was happy ,
tortie adore
Frequent Cat Chatter
Posts: 12
Joined: Mon Jun 07, 2021 5:05 am

Re: All most four years on ,I am still grieving

Post by tortie adore »

Ok, Bertie, I've got an assignment for you. First, tomorrow, instead of playing a video game, call 1 person. The next day, go to the store and get your favorite food and make it. The next day, if you like tv at all, pick a show you might like and watch it. The next day, make yourself go for a walk. Tell us how it goes. P.S. No, I'm not a counselor in any way shape or form but sometimes u just have to get yourself to do just one thing.
Bertie 2017
VIP Cat Chatter!
Posts: 129
Joined: Thu Aug 30, 2018 8:24 pm
No. of cats in household: 1

Re: All most four years on ,I am still grieving

Post by Bertie 2017 »

Hi tortie adore thank you so much for your support and advice ,I agree with you ,getting
Outside ,is a good idea ,I am sure you know that lockdown hasn’t helped ,being stuck at home , but still it was for our safety ,I haven’t missed my family at all ,from the day of .
Bertie’s passing , they haven’t supported me at all , in fact ,I often feel they have ,forgotten
About me , or just don’t care , I often have days like the one ,I wrote about ,I often feel .
Overwhelmed ,and cannot keep it in , best thing to do is let it run it’s course ,today hasn’t
Been not so bad , of course Bertie is never ever out of my mind ,if you knew him ,you’d
Understand why it’s so painful at times ,he was a one off ,I have had many cats ,but
Not like him ,and too lose him so young ,just doesn’t seem fair ,if you ask me ,but I feel
In time , I will accept my loss , but that’s the thing , grief has no time limit , so I shouldn’t
Be so hard on myself ,or expect to much ,because it’s like being on a rollercoaster ,
So many ups and downs ,we feel this pain ,because we love them so much, and we let them, go too spare them pain ,that is called the last act of love ,

Take care thanks again x
issiandarchie+68
VIP Cat Chatter!
Posts: 246
Joined: Mon May 02, 2016 10:45 am

Re: All most four years on ,I am still grieving

Post by issiandarchie+68 »

Bertie,I think Tortie has given you simp!e but good advice. It's sad that over 4 years your feelings towards your family have not mellowed. I think as part of your 'Tortie therapy ' you should put the mental ability and time used on your online games to better use. Why not extend an olive branch? Invite the most receptive family member for a coffee, ask them about there life,plans for the future,just relax, eat cake and listen. Charity shops,are crying out for help as long-standing older members have not returned after Covid. You don't have to work behind a counter,I don't, lots of background work to be done. The radio is usually on, interesting people chat and laugh (or bicker) as they work,lift your spirits. You only need a couple of hours but you will be out of the house,especially if you do a bit of shopping on the way home. Of course you miss Bertie, I was talking to Cats Protection staff yesterday,mentioned a silver tabby lost to a rta 30yrs ago and had to take a moment, but you can't let it rule your !ife. Life throws things at you and sometimes smelly bits stick,but even with help,ultimately, only you can remove them and move on.
Issi
User avatar
Mollycat
VIP Cat Chatter!
Posts: 1876
Joined: Mon Feb 25, 2019 10:58 am
No. of cats in household: 1
Location: UK

Re: All most four years on ,I am still grieving

Post by Mollycat »

Bertie, of course you are focused on yourself and your grief and need support. But there comes a time when people become stuck for what to say to you, and feel uncomfortable because of it. This isn't just because your Bertie was a cat, it happens when someone loses a parent, a friend, a companion, a sibling, a child - especially a child. You lose some of your support network because you're stuck in your grief and need to talk to get free, while people around you have completely run out of ideas and ways to "help" you when in reality you don't want help (even if you need it) you just want someone to listen to you.

I am a trained and qualified grief counsellor, a long time ago and I have never practiced professionally, and I know people have to get stuck before we can help them become unstuck. I also know it can take a very long time to become fully functioning again. I've been feeling for some time that there is something important behind your ongoing grief for Bertie, that it's more than Bertie and may have triggered some much deeper unresolved, perhaps even long forgotten, issues. In my hours volunteering, I helped clients unearth some quite amazing things completely unrelated to the loss that they were stuck in. Most commonly it tapped into feeling controlled, too much responsibility, being deprived, always being the carer or the funny guy to others around them and therefore their own needs and wishes being quashed their whole life, or not being allowed to grieve properly for past losses. There is always a reason we get stuck.

Taking action as Issi and Tortie suggest can help you get to one level of functional again and into a stronger position to start dealing with whatever trauma losing Bertie has triggered for you and got you so stuck, together with not having been allowed to work through your grief for Bertie properly.
tortie adore
Frequent Cat Chatter
Posts: 12
Joined: Mon Jun 07, 2021 5:05 am

Re: All most four years on ,I am still grieving

Post by tortie adore »

Thank you Bertie, Molly Cat and Issi for replies to my sugg! Made me feel great that someone's out there reading! Just rec'd 2nd vaccination shot (Moderna) yest. and still have headache, weakness, kind of dizzy. Bertie, hope you are on the mend. I also find this forum helpful because of the compassion shown here.
Post Reply