Goodbye to my baby boy

Help & Support for those who have lost a beloved cat
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FindlaysDad
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Goodbye to my baby boy

Post by FindlaysDad »

Today one of the worst of my life. My darling rescue puss Findlay crossed the rainbow bridge to pussy heaven. I know it’s only been hours but I’m in pieces. My baby boy was my life and everywhere I look at home there a reminders. Findlay had been abandoned in an empty flat at about age 5. He survived on a dripping tap and was rescued as skin and bone. I took on a much abused scared boy, a real paper tiger whose trust I gradually earned. I was the one person he would let handle him. He trilled and made little noises so we had conversations. Over 8 years this boy got me through loss of parents, Covid and life. He was my best friend. Over the last 8 weeks he just wasn’t right I took him to the vet who advised very advanced diabetes that was untreatable. I discussed treatment but the vet and I agreed it would not be fair. Findlay saved me on so many levels - we understood each other. I could look into his eyes give him that slow blink and he would cone for a snuggle.

I’m a grown man but at the vets today as I let him go I lost it. Every horror inside came out I just can’t stop crying. I want to be with him in the next life. How can we carry on without these creatures that I value more than any human relationship? Fin never judged me his love and friendship was unconditional, how do I move forward without my baby boy? Reading the stories on here I know my story is not unique; we all have our stories. I just want to say thank you Fin for the games, cuddles, laughs and for saving me so many times - for filling my home and life. When I have your ashes back you will rest eternally in your favourite spot in the semi sun in the garden. God bless you my baby xxxxx
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Mollycat
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Re: Goodbye to my baby boy

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So, so sorry for your loss. It's so clear you and Fin have shared so much, you saved him and nursed him and encouraged him to be the best cat he could be, and in return he took on your human challenges with you. He has been so much more than just a feline companion, that shines through your sad words. I don't care who we are, man woman or child, what age, size, profession and background, when we lose our loved ones we have every right to fall apart. It's ok. I remember waking up every morning for months, remembering she was gone, and wondering what I'd bothered waking up for. Thing is, our little furry friends dictate our routine, our world, our life. Literally everything about their life is our responsibility and everything of ours takes account of them, their needs and their wishes. If Fin was unwell for the last couple of months I guess you have taken extra care of him, worried, and been through the mill with him. My heart really goes out to you. WIshing you patience and self-care for the sad time ahead.
FindlaysDad
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Re: Goodbye to my baby boy

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Thank you Mollycat. Your words come at just the right time. Fin and I had a bedtime ritual. At 10 I would say bedtime for puss and he would go out to his bowl, have a bit of supper then pre sleep belly rubs and fuss. It was our end of day ritual and I’m thinking how am I going to sleep? Tomorrow when I wake and he’s not there for breakfast and cuddles. It’s incredible how much a tiny creature can bring to your life. A tiny fella who always got his way. Honestly I could forgive him anything. Im entering that guilt stage already. Did I not fight hard enough to save him? Did I give up in him? I just didn’t want him to have a moment of pain. But how does anyone move forwards? I keep expecting him to come in pushing the door open. I keep waiting to hear the cat flap. I can’t concentrate on anything I just miss his presence. A while back I went to his favourite den in the garden and asked him to forgive me. The vet was amazing what a man made for his job. Patience, empathy and compassion. Absolute respect and understanding for my pain. Tomorrow I have to start a new stage in life that I don’t want. It sounds silly but if I had the means I would rather die and be with him. Im worried he will be lost where he has gone and will be crying for me. All irrational and silly but the pain is raw.
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Mollycat
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Re: Goodbye to my baby boy

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Irrational for sure, silly certainly not. Sleep is the only respite from emotional pain and even that isn't a given. Grief isn't rational. To soon, too late, too much, too little - guilt is an important part of grieving and even when there is absolutely not a thing to feel guilty about, our mind can still invent something. It's just another part of working through it all. If you can't sleep, get up, make a brew, cry, take Fin's blanket to bed, do whatever you have to do, it's ok. If you can't face work tomorrow, don't go - take good care of you. A massive piece of your heart has just been ripped out and you need time and care to heal.
FindlaysDad
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Re: Goodbye to my baby boy

Post by FindlaysDad »

Thank you and bless you. Reading the stories on here one thing you realise is our pain is not unique.
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Mollycat
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Re: Goodbye to my baby boy

Post by Mollycat »

Each pain is unique and yet ...

I hope you had some sleep and waking is not too hard on you.

Today is day 1, step 1. Forget the what next, take one day at a time, one step at a time.
FindlaysDad
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Re: Goodbye to my baby boy

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Thank you - took ages to fall asleep and then kept waking up listening and missing the feel of that furry lump against me!! You are right it’s a beautiful sunny morning - a summer morning when he would be out early for his morning exploration. Thank you for thinking of me and for caring. I can’t tell you what this means to me. Day one, step one. ❤️❤️
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fjm
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Re: Goodbye to my baby boy

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I am so sorry - Findlay was a very special cat, and the greater the love the greater the wound loss leaves. I have found some comfort in the past in thinking of my animals safely with my parents - I am not sure that I even believe in an afterlife, but in my mind's eye I can see Pippin-cat curled on my father's lap, and when I lost my beloved little dog in a sudden accident "seeing" her safe in my mother's arms enabled me to let go of those feelings of wanting to follow her lest she be lost and afraid. Be kind to yourself, as Findlay would have been - there are always people here who understand.
FindlaysDad
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Re: Goodbye to my baby boy

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Thank you so much. It’s hard even trying to distract myself. Working in the greenhouse just now and of course who would have been there with me??? Ended up watering the plants in floods of tears again. EVERYTHING I do reminds me he’s not with me either laying nearby in the sun or on my lap for morning coffee. I know it’s not 24 hours yet but the pain is so raw. Everything sets me off. I know it gets better but at this moment I want to be calling him from the rainbow bridge.
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Mollycat
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Re: Goodbye to my baby boy

Post by Mollycat »

How has today been, how are you feeling tonight?
FindlaysDad
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Re: Goodbye to my baby boy

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Thank you for asking - I’m getting there slowly. I went out for a long walk between 1.00 and 3.00pm so that I wasn’t indoors at the 24 hour mark. Being out in nature in the sun with the birds singing made the 2.10pm moment less painful. I keep seeing bits of fur here and there and am reluctant to vacuum!!! I’ve cleared his bowls and toys away into a cupboard as I can’t see them. It’s a slow process and I really can’t handle company so I’m taking jubilee party invites on a day by day basis; I’ve cancelled lunch on Sunday with friends as it’s not fair on them. I haven’t yet told my sister as she doted on him and I didn’t want to do it by phone or message so off to see her for another no doubt emotional talk. It’s silly but she always bought him presents at Christmas that went under the tree and she looked after him for me on many occasions; she always called herself auntie when she spike to him - we are funny with our furry companions!! I’ve always had a very strong feeling that we aren’t pet “owners” we share our lives with them - there is no proprietorial element to the relationship for me it’s just family together hence I’ve forgone holidays etc because for me, my non human friends come first.
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Mollycat
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Re: Goodbye to my baby boy

Post by Mollycat »

It sounds like you really know how to take care of yourself in an acutely painful and difficult time. Thoughts are very much with you still.
FindlaysDad
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Re: Goodbye to my baby boy

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Thank you - you area true star.
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Mollycat
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Re: Goodbye to my baby boy

Post by Mollycat »

When you're ready for it, understanding friends should be a great help and support to you, but I get what you mean about not wanting to inflict your grief onto them. Hope you do have at least some of the right people around you to support you.

I still have old toys, brushes, bowls and even vet hospital tags from various feline friends over the years, little mementos. Whiskers. Boo was long haired and a bag of what I brushed off him has been keeping baby birds warm since his passing.

It's a strange time, adjusting. On the one hand it's reassuring to know the world is still turning, on the other hand for us in our pain it has stopped already, and sometimes both at once.
FindlaysDad
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Re: Goodbye to my baby boy

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Funny you talk about fur - Fin was shortish hair but his fur was so soft I always thought it felt like he’d been bathing in hair conditioner!!!! I brushed him regularly and in the Spring always out it our in a spare nut feeder for the birds to use for nesting. So often in the autumn cleaning out the bird boxes I find his fur used for bedding!!! I took all his perishable food to the Cat Protection League this morning and had to steel myself to walk away without a little orphan!!! Now is not the time it’s too soon and I don’t want to use a little soul to balm my loss; when I’ve done mourning I can then think about what next. The sad outcome of Covid is the number of lockdown animals who are now “too much trouble” or “don’t fit our lifestyle” which makes me deeply angry. Now is the time our feline friends and the precious folks that care for those cast out need all the support they can get. I’ve decided I am going to continue to buy cat food but give it to the cat foster people to help out.
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Mollycat
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Re: Goodbye to my baby boy

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Bless your beautiful heart, what a lovely idea to just carry on buying food to help others. So pleased to hear you found fur in the nesting boxes. The sparrows used to follow me as I distributed Boo's fur down the hedge, always the males. I love the irony of the cat's discarded fur giving the next generation of young birds a better start in life.

Very sad, the lockdown victims. As if things weren't bad enough before for abandoned pets. I'm with you on needing time though we're all different but bottom line is only you know when you are ready to love again.
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