20 Year Old Best Friend Put To Sleep , Need help

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Reallysad
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20 Year Old Best Friend Put To Sleep , Need help

Post by Reallysad »

So, I'm a guy in my late 20's. Almost 30 , I'm 29. My cat I have had since 2001 or 2002 just got put to sleep yesterday. He was battling a single side sinus infection or so we thought, until we nearly confirmed it was a tumor. It would not respond to 3-4 antibiotics and sadly all the scans and xrays would just be leading up to a surgery to remove said tumor he could not survive through. He was 19-20 years old. I have had him since I was near 10 years old, and I have always been a loner/isolative type so I gave a lot of my love and affection to him, and I felt like he gave it back like wise. He did not suffer in the end , as I was watching him closely and as soon as he was unable to breathe or sleep I took him in. It's just that when I was younger I had pet dogs and cats put to sleep, but I was very young so I did not go into the vet. Yesterday was my first time going in for a pet being put to sleep. It was very hard, and I struggled to let go both in the office and now back at home. Everywhere I look I see him. He would always rest under my feet when I was on the computer, and come up on my bed at night. Cleaning up his food and water bowls and little spots where I set him up blankets was causing me to sob so much I could barely breath, and I had and have a headache more severe than any tension headache or migraine I've ever had. I had three cats from my childhood, and with Halo passing away now I only have one left. It feels not only like I'm losing something I love but I'm also losing connection with some place I loved. All of these animals came from my childhood home I have since moved out of. And I have fond memories of both growing up there, and with the cats. So it seems to be just making this twice as hard. I've been dealing with depression and other issues for a long time, but with this happening it seems to have excellerated everything. Today I just laid in bed and cried all day, I did not know what else to do. And the one cat I have left named KiKi is walking around curiously checking every room, and meowing in confusion in the living room. And that just makes me bawl even harder. I knew having Halo for as long as I did would cause me to miss him that much more when he's gone, but I didn't think it would ever be this bad. Does anyone have any advice or guidance for me?. No matter how much I grieve it feels like it's never ending. And distractions don't even work anymore.
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Re: 20 Year Old Best Friend Put To Sleep , Need help

Post by fjm »

I am so sorry. I do understand the grief not only for the loss of companionship, but also of all the shared memories and connections that help to keep us rooted in our lives. Grief hurts, physically as well as emotionally (the physical effects have been shown to be similar to major surgery), and everyone finds different ways to journey through it. It takes time and kindness to yourself - once the first devastating days are past try to take care of yourself and KiKi, who will be feeling bewildered not only because of Halo's disappearance but also by your unhappiness. Eat sensibly, get out for walks, if you have family and friends who are understanding and won't say stupid things like "only a cat" try to talk with them and let them comfort you. The Blue Cross has a bereavement support service that many people have found helpful: https://www.bluecross.org.uk/pet-bereav ... d-pet-loss, and so many of us here have felt at least some part of what you are going through, and are here to help. If you fear you may be spiralling from grief into clinical depression do talk to your GP or specialist sooner rather than later.

Halo has been a part of your life from childhood, through adolescence and early adulthood. You must have shared so much, both happy and sad, in all those years. It may help, when you are feeling less raw, to write or draw or paint or make songs about them or to make an album of photos. But for now you may just need to cry - it is only hours since you had to make possibly one of the biggest and hardest decisions in your life so far and let him slip easily and painlessly away. Remember that you are not alone - there are people who understand and can offer kindness and a listening ear.
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Re: 20 Year Old Best Friend Put To Sleep , Need help

Post by Mollycat »

My heart goes out to you. Your story takes me back in a split second to my first time, 18 years ago when you and Halo were just beginning your life together. At the time I was training to be a loss and grief counsellor, so I was deep in the world of understanding what is really going on when we lose someone, how we respond and how we heal. But I was still utterly destroyed by this loss.

Firstly the rational, logical bit. Halo was your responsibility to care for, to feed, to take care of his every need, more and more as he grew older. He wanted to share affection and play with you, rest with you, he was curious about things you did, your food, things you brought home. He had his little rituals at feeding time, whenever you came home, when you went to bed, and every hour of every day you were home. He had a presence in every corner of your home, and everywhere you look and every sound a house makes, is a reminder that he is not there. Perhaps you feel the weight of what the French call Le silence de mort - the silence of the dead - or what I call the penetrating absence of them - a silence that seems to be so much more than the absence of sound. And every time a reminder hits you, the pain of knowing you will never again feel his fur in your hand, hear his little greetings, and put down his food, is like a knife in your heart all over again. I remember waking up every morning, remembering there was no Misha to feed, and wondering why I had bothered waking up at all.

Secondly there is the less rational but just as real part. You have lost the friend and companion you have loved and confided in all these years, who was there for you through all the challenges of growing up and the changes in your life. Perhaps where you are in your life isn't as good as you once hoped it might be by now, and now it's just unbearable. It's hard to talk about it to people you know, they don't know what to say and even if they are kind it's only natural to think they might be judging you a bit. Perhaps they don't fully understand just how much Halo meant to you, or maybe you're not quite comfortable explaining it.

It's ok to take time out, time to just lie in bed and sob like a child, which society tells us we're not supposed to do but sometimes we really need to and I believe losing someone so dear to us fully warrants it. Elisabeth Kubler-Ross (she of the much misunderstood Five Stages) said - "Treat your depression as a guest, all be it an unwanted one. Invite it to pull up a chair and sit with you. When it is done with you, it will leave." Let the tears cleanse your soul, when they come, stop what you're doing and let them come, give some time to the memories they bring back with them. It will take time.

How are you feeling towards Kiki? Be honest, it's ok to feel irritation and even resentment towards the survivor, and feelings can only be dealt with out in the open. No matter how much we love someone, they can still drive us to distraction at times, it's not all comfort and fluffiness in the companionship of another being than the one we have just lost.
Reallysad
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Re: 20 Year Old Best Friend Put To Sleep , Need help

Post by Reallysad »

fjm wrote: Sun Mar 21, 2021 7:50 am I am so sorry. I do understand the grief not only for the loss of companionship, but also of all the shared memories and connections that help to keep us rooted in our lives. Grief hurts, physically as well as emotionally (the physical effects have been shown to be similar to major surgery), and everyone finds different ways to journey through it. It takes time and kindness to yourself - once the first devastating days are past try to take care of yourself and KiKi, who will be feeling bewildered not only because of Halo's disappearance but also by your unhappiness. Eat sensibly, get out for walks, if you have family and friends who are understanding and won't say stupid things like "only a cat" try to talk with them and let them comfort you. The Blue Cross has a bereavement support service that many people have found helpful: https://www.bluecross.org.uk/pet-bereav ... d-pet-loss, and so many of us here have felt at least some part of what you are going through, and are here to help. If you fear you may be spiralling from grief into clinical depression do talk to your GP or specialist sooner rather than later.

Halo has been a part of your life from childhood, through adolescence and early adulthood. You must have shared so much, both happy and sad, in all those years. It may help, when you are feeling less raw, to write or draw or paint or make songs about them or to make an album of photos. But for now you may just need to cry - it is only hours since you had to make possibly one of the biggest and hardest decisions in your life so far and let him slip easily and painlessly away. Remember that you are not alone - there are people who understand and can offer kindness and a listening ear.
Thank you so much, I just hope the crying ends soon because it is physically wearing me down. I cannot even open a can of food or put down dry for Kiki without breaking down. A part of me feels very selfish and silly for feeling this way. My mother found Halo in a garbage bag on the side of the road, and he was the last kitten alive in the bag. He went from having potentially no life, to a long and loving one of almost 2 decades. Yet I still feel like I wanted more time with him. And I suppose this connection I have makes sense as you reminded me Halo was with me throughout my entire life until now. I will see how I feel a week or so from now, because I have had issues with depression going on for a while. And this seems to have just accelerated all my already fatiguing symptoms of just generally feeling sad, lonely, etc.

Mollycat wrote: Sun Mar 21, 2021 8:04 am My heart goes out to you. Your story takes me back in a split second to my first time, 18 years ago when you and Halo were just beginning your life together. At the time I was training to be a loss and grief counsellor, so I was deep in the world of understanding what is really going on when we lose someone, how we respond and how we heal. But I was still utterly destroyed by this loss.

Firstly the rational, logical bit. Halo was your responsibility to care for, to feed, to take care of his every need, more and more as he grew older. He wanted to share affection and play with you, rest with you, he was curious about things you did, your food, things you brought home. He had his little rituals at feeding time, whenever you came home, when you went to bed, and every hour of every day you were home. He had a presence in every corner of your home, and everywhere you look and every sound a house makes, is a reminder that he is not there. Perhaps you feel the weight of what the French call Le silence de mort - the silence of the dead - or what I call the penetrating absence of them - a silence that seems to be so much more than the absence of sound. And every time a reminder hits you, the pain of knowing you will never again feel his fur in your hand, hear his little greetings, and put down his food, is like a knife in your heart all over again. I remember waking up every morning, remembering there was no Misha to feed, and wondering why I had bothered waking up at all.

Secondly there is the less rational but just as real part. You have lost the friend and companion you have loved and confided in all these years, who was there for you through all the challenges of growing up and the changes in your life. Perhaps where you are in your life isn't as good as you once hoped it might be by now, and now it's just unbearable. It's hard to talk about it to people you know, they don't know what to say and even if they are kind it's only natural to think they might be judging you a bit. Perhaps they don't fully understand just how much Halo meant to you, or maybe you're not quite comfortable explaining it.

It's ok to take time out, time to just lie in bed and sob like a child, which society tells us we're not supposed to do but sometimes we really need to and I believe losing someone so dear to us fully warrants it. Elisabeth Kubler-Ross (she of the much misunderstood Five Stages) said - "Treat your depression as a guest, all be it an unwanted one. Invite it to pull up a chair and sit with you. When it is done with you, it will leave." Let the tears cleanse your soul, when they come, stop what you're doing and let them come, give some time to the memories they bring back with them. It will take time.

How are you feeling towards Kiki? Be honest, it's ok to feel irritation and even resentment towards the survivor, and feelings can only be dealt with out in the open. No matter how much we love someone, they can still drive us to distraction at times, it's not all comfort and fluffiness in the companionship of another being than the one we have just lost.

I feel bad for Kiki because she's alone. She has always had at least 1-2 cat friends and or a dog too at times. And now she is alone with me. And as for the silence side of thing, that gets me too. I have found myself waking up to check on him half awake, then realizing what I'm doing and remembering he's not there and I just break down. Sometimes in his old age he would sleep during the day, and be up at night. And when I was laying down he would howl and meow at 2-3 AM until I got up and pet and or made him cozy and go back to bed. Simply not hearing those meows is just further reminding me of the loss. Especially at night. My roomate suggests I go see someone about Anxiety and maybe get on some medication. I don't see where that will help anything because I feel like I'm just incredibly sad, lonely and depressed. Anxiety or it's medical treatments I don't think would benefit my grief and current feelings. Ontop of all this my sleep schedule has been thrown upside down, and I'm sleeping during the day and crying and miserably awake at night. I'm not sure how to go about getting back to normal and or even feeling normal again.
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Re: 20 Year Old Best Friend Put To Sleep , Need help

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Reallysad wrote: Mon Mar 22, 2021 3:54 am I feel bad for Kiki because she's alone. She has always had at least 1-2 cat friends and or a dog too at times. And now she is alone with me. And as for the silence side of thing, that gets me too. I have found myself waking up to check on him half awake, then realizing what I'm doing and remembering he's not there and I just break down. Sometimes in his old age he would sleep during the day, and be up at night. And when I was laying down he would howl and meow at 2-3 AM until I got up and pet and or made him cozy and go back to bed. Simply not hearing those meows is just further reminding me of the loss. Especially at night. My roomate suggests I go see someone about Anxiety and maybe get on some medication. I don't see where that will help anything because I feel like I'm just incredibly sad, lonely and depressed. Anxiety or it's medical treatments I don't think would benefit my grief and current feelings. Ontop of all this my sleep schedule has been thrown upside down, and I'm sleeping during the day and crying and miserably awake at night. I'm not sure how to go about getting back to normal and or even feeling normal again.
You both need time, please don't rush to medicate unless you feel you need to, and it doesn't sound like that is the case. It's been less than 2 days for goodness' sake, since you lost a piece of your soul. Kiki is grieving in her own way, and you are too, and you have each other so neither of you is alone. Even if your roommate can't handle seeing you so sad, and expects you to hide those tears away, try to keep contact with people who can be with you emotionally through the next days, weeks and months. Do not rush or bury your grief, grieving is important for your well being. People wouldn't tell you to get up and walk on a broken leg, so they shouldn't expect you no to cry when you are sad.
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Re: 20 Year Old Best Friend Put To Sleep , Need help

Post by fjm »

You are most certainly not selfish or silly - you are grieving for a much loved companion who has been beside you for most of your life. And grief hurts - one day your roommate will discover this, although it sounds as if he is fortunate enough not to have experienced it yet. But the only way we could avoid the grief of loss is never to love, and think how much your life would have been reduced had Halo not been in it. Just now you are in the first shock of losing Halo - as Mollycat says be kind to yourself.
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Re: 20 Year Old Best Friend Put To Sleep , Need help

Post by Lenelor »

I lost my 21 year old cat in January and I cried torrents and felt that loss of connection with the past, too. I craved more time with my kitty, as well, and I think that it's natural to want to keep loved ones in our lives. I still miss her, but I let myself cry whenever the grief hit me and it's not nearly as agonizing as it was the first few days and weeks. The pain is just so bad, and when you're in that deep grief it seems to stop time and last forever. I think everything you're experiencing is perfectly normal for the loss you've gone through. You've lost a loving companion, the daily routine of caring for an elderly feline, and you're also bearing witness to the grief of your other cat.
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Re: 20 Year Old Best Friend Put To Sleep , Need help

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Thank you all so much for the supportive and reassuring replies, it really does mean a lot to me. Aside from all the love and joy and compassion me and Halo mutually shared he also got to do something I never thought he would, be outside. One night he snuck outside when I took the garbage out, my father was devastated and as was I after hours and hours of looking. Turns out Halo was under the deck the entire time. The next summer we took him outside for the first time, since he was both an old and a fat cat ( 15 lbs at one point ) we didn't have to worry about him running away too fast on us. For the last 2-3 years of his life we took him outside multiple times weekly, apart from Winter. He loved eating the grass, roaming our yard and looking at birds and also rubbing his face into spider webs. He would also sun bathe and relax, and it generally seemed to give him this chippy kitty like energy again while he was outside and shortly after coming back in. It got to the point where he would follow you to do the door, and be purring if you opened it for him. I'm glad he got to see the outdoors, as none of my other cats did apart from through windows. Thank you again for listening, and here is some pictures of Halo. I'm forever thankful for my mom for rescuing him, and will cherish all the joy he brought into my family and I's life. Upon finding this forum and section, I saw that Rainbow Bridge poem. And after struggling to read it through tears envoked by what imagery it brought to my mind..-..all I truly hope is that Halo and all of our beloved pets found peace, and are all together in a good place somewhere.

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Re: 20 Year Old Best Friend Put To Sleep , Need help

Post by fjm »

Lovely photos - a beautiful cat with such a calm, relaxed expression.
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Re: 20 Year Old Best Friend Put To Sleep , Need help

Post by Mollycat »

What a beautiful boy, the first pic reminds me of a cougar's markings and I love cougars, and he had such gentle, wise and courageous eyes.

Still very early days but how are you and Kiki doing? We're thinking of you.
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Re: 20 Year Old Best Friend Put To Sleep , Need help

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fjm wrote: Wed Mar 24, 2021 9:13 pm Lovely photos - a beautiful cat with such a calm, relaxed expression.
Mollycat wrote: Wed Mar 24, 2021 10:05 pm What a beautiful boy, the first pic reminds me of a cougar's markings and I love cougars, and he had such gentle, wise and courageous eyes.

Still very early days but how are you and Kiki doing? We're thinking of you.

Thank you both very much, I just picked up his ashes today and it has been getting better but it's still rough. I'm having a hard time at night still a lot and the season doesn't seem to be helping. It's not that it's cold out, quiet the opposite. It's getting to be spring and summer and be really nice out which reminds of me taking Halo outside and being outside with him. So it would seem as though I am just finding more ways to remember him that are making me cry again most of the time sadly. I'm trying to vent and express my emotions as they come, it just seems to be in waves now every other day or so instead of being a constant heart ache kind of deal. Kiki is doing well, I'm trying to make sure I give her more love and attention and food and all that. She's doing better but is still a bit confused and getting used to things I believe.
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Re: 20 Year Old Best Friend Put To Sleep , Need help

Post by fjm »

Little by little the memories become easier to bear - I find they always clutch at my heart, but that there are smiles as well as tears, and the tears become less bitter and less frequent. The love we have experienced stays with us - Halo's companionship has helped to make you who you are, and the empathy and kindness he helped to teach you will be part of you for all your life. That is a legacy to cherish and celebrate.
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Re: 20 Year Old Best Friend Put To Sleep , Need help

Post by Mollycat »

Lovely that you are going through it together with Kiki, another cat can be a great companion in grief but sometimes they can also be a painful reminder and a burden of responsibility, and of course in that situation help is needed to prevent damage to the relationship.

The first year is full of triggers, the first Christmas and big anniversaries are more obvious but the little things can be so hard too. Be patient and kind to yourself, Halo lives forever safe in your heart now.
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Re: 20 Year Old Best Friend Put To Sleep , Need help

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I know this is old, but I'd like to just share with everyone that despite all this time passing I still do find myself reminiscing about him and getting emotional. Hence why I am posting again here now. I cry as I type, however I am still grateful as I am lucky enough to have Kiki still in my life even at her late age as well. It was just so hard to get over the initial severe multiple month lasting depression when Halo passed. I have his ashes now and ordered engraved picture frames for him and Asland, who passed previous to Halo. I plan to do the same with Kiki. I understand these emotions and although I dislike going through them I hope this can one day make me stronger for my kids one day when they have a pet pass. Anya-ways I was just feeling sad today and wanted to vent, thanks for being here everyone. I hope Halo and Asland and everyones loved cats and dogs are truly in a better place all together awaiting us. :cry:

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Re: 20 Year Old Best Friend Put To Sleep , Need help

Post by Mollycat »

It's ok, I call these my "little moments", when losing a loved one even from a long time ago just hits me and I need to talk or share memories, or just sit with them quietly by myself. A few months is not long, the first year is full of firsts - the first of each holiday, the first anniversaries. I still have "little moments" years later, they gradually get less often and less intense.

Love and loss are two sides of one coin, the more deeply we love the more deeply we feel the loss. Your kids will have to face loss one day and they will have a great teacher how to grieve, because you are genuine and allow your emotions.

I am sure we will be reunited one day and in the meantime it's ok to feel sad as we work out how to adjust our life to their absence. Sending you kind thoughts through your "moments" - let your emotions and tears do their job of healing your heart. Be kind to yourself.
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Re: 20 Year Old Best Friend Put To Sleep , Need help

Post by ShaunLibra »

Dear Reallysad
I'm just reading your post and the tears are rolling down my face :(
I lost my brother and sister cat 3 months apart, just over 3 years ago. They both were poorly and we had to let the vet help them be free from their pain and suffering. I'm a 50 yr old guy who is highly sensitive, and the final bit just shatters me. 6 months later we decided to give a rescue cat a new loving home. We had Keiko for 3 and a half years. July 11th 2021 she without any warning, suddenly passed away outside my bedroom. I heard a bang ing noise on the landing door, and I thought she was playing. I went out and she looked asleep. I shouted her name several times, then it hit me, my little girl had passed.I'm devastated beyond words. I too have suffered depression and anxiety for many years, and this has sent me down even further. I just can't believe she had to go so soon. I will have to grieve, but the days are filled with deep sadness. I love cats and all animals. I know we gave Keiko a loving home, but her sudden death has totally sent me into a dark place and I miss her so much.
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