My angel is a real angel now…

[NikkyCatMama]

On Wednesday 8/18 I had a routine wellness check scheduled for my two kitties - Monkey (18 years old) and Baby (13 years old). Baby started showing signs over the weekend that she wasn’t feeling very well and I thought “thank goodness I made that appointment”.

I was getting worried about her because she wouldn’t really come out from under the bed but she still made an appearance every once in awhile because she was a strong, caring, beautiful girl who always made her mama happy.

I didn’t realize how ill she actually was Dr. Nan said it was large cell lymphoma that had spread into her kidneys and liver causing them to shut down. She was suffering from jaundice which didn’t actually pop up until the morning of our appointment but it was painfully clear she was losing the battle to this “hard to detect, extremely aggressive” cancer that seemed to come out of no where! Dr. Nan said she had probably only had it for a few months. I have pictures of her happy and napping comfortably on August 1st ~ I wish I had stumbled onto her illness when it first presented but there were no symptoms until it was too late. In hindsight - there may have been small changes in her behavior but nothing that caused me great alarm. Maybe I just wasn’t vigilant enough. I don’t know

I had to make the choice to let her go or our doctor (of 10 years) told me I could have a few extra days with fluids and pain meds. I could never do anything to hurt my beautiful girl so I made the choice to let her go. I was fortunate enough to be able to be in the room with her as they gave her the two shots to send her to the rainbow bridge. I sang her our song and told her all her work was done and she had been simply wonderful and such a good girl. I tried not to cry too much cause I wanted to be strong for her but it was so so hard.

I picked up her ashes the next day. It was a very sudden and unexpected loss. I’d always prepped myself for monkey crossing first as he’s much older and his health has been up and down and yet ~ here me and the old man sit without our darling girl. I don’t know if he’s quite figured out yet that she’s not coming home.

As many have said on here - my kitties saved my life many times. So many times I have wanted to just throw in the towel but I knew I couldn’t because these beautiful souls depended on me and I couldn’t let them down. I loved my girl with my whole heart and we had so many good years together. I spoiled her rotten and she was the bravest, sweetest, most beautiful soul I have ever come across.

The grief is so strong right now. I hate it because my whole life just got a little bit sadder without her making me laugh, her cuddles, her smiles, her purrs, and her temper too. I still have the old man and I’m trying to make sure I’m watching him close for signs of bereavement as well. He has shared the majority of his life with her as his companion.

I’ve had so many challenges and changes over the past 6 months - divorce, moving to a new home with my two cats, and now the loss of my greatest joy and comfort on the planet. I’ve been in bed with monkey all day. Im paralyzed with grief but I’m going to pull myself up and try and do something “normal” around the house. I want to make my girl proud of me even if she’s not here anymore. I really just wanna go be with my baby again.

[fjm]

I am so sorry - I recently lost a cat to lymphoma and although we had a few weeks after the diagnosis it took hold very rapidly and like you I knew the time had come. Baby sounds a very special cat - I hope that when the first shock is past you can share more of your memories of her with us.

[NikkyCatMama]

Thank you so much for your kind words. Dr. Nan made the comment that even if we had caught it and started treatment, we maybe would have only had 6 months. While I cherished every moment with my darling girl, I don’t think I would have wanted her last six months to be centered around her illness. My bubba yubba was 13 and that’s 68 years old in people years so def too old to fight a battle with an aggressive cancer with chemo.

I’m so sorry to hear about your precious one succumbing to lymphoma as well. It can be a very aggressive cancer. Even caught early, the large cell is hard to stop. The small cell can sometimes be treated with steroids but it sounds like we both encountered something their little bodies just couldn’t beat.

I found an exercise online that recommended we sit down and write on paper all the things that you remember and loved about your kitty cat. I am already on page 6. There was really nothing I didn’t love about my darling girl. I think it has helped me because I know its all written down now and as time passes and memories may fade, I’ll always have pages and pages of beautiful reminders of all her wonderful quirky characteristics. I definitely recommend the activity.

A few things I have jotted down:

- Her pouty and shiny bottom lip that would stick out while she napped.
- Her beauty mark on her left cheek. She was a shiny medium hair black cat but she always had one white hair on her cheek.
- Her courage. She was half-feral but challenged herself to constantly face her fear and interact with people or be present in the room even if she was observing from a distance
- She was a butt-kicker and if anyone else was getting in trouble she would run into the room to get in on the action. She was nosey.
- Her poo zoomies. She would bum rush out of the litter box and zoom around the room with a look of pure exhilaration on her face.

I love the exercise and while much of what I have written down is through tears right now, it gives me much comfort to know these things will never be forgotten.

<3

[Kay]

such lovely tributes to a much loved cat

the pleasure of the time we have with them can never be wiped out by the pain of losing them, however bad that is, and however long it takes to restore the balance - the sad fact is that we humans will outlive many beloved pets, but the enrichment they bring to our lives is something to be profoundly grateful for, as I can tell you so clearly feel yourself

[NikkyCatMama]

I miss her so so much and there are days when I bawl like a baby and I just have to let the grief flow. I saw a quote that said,

“How fortunate am I to have loved someone who was so hard to say goodbye too.”

She definitely brought meaning, love, and life into my everyday. I’ve been doing grief meditations as well to help accept the feelings and not get trapped in them. It’s a process and living with out her is a huge learning curve.