Grief and regret

Help & Support for those who have lost a beloved cat
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Delmac
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Grief and regret

Post by Delmac »

We moved home and discovered a stray cat who regularly came into our garden. After two years of not being able to get anywhere near him, my husband decided to build a shelter for him, which we put next to our patio doors. The cat started sleeping in it and gradually got more trusting of us until he decided to move into our house. He turned into the most loving and well behaved cat, who followed me everywhere and sat on my knee every time I sat down. I adored him. After having him for 4 years he came in the other week (we had started to keep him in at night as he’d previously been injured in a cat fight) ready for bed and I noticed blood on his cheek. Thinking it was another cat fight injury, I bathed it in salt water and he settled down for the night. Next morning his face was very swollen and he couldn’t close his mouth. We rushed him to the emergency vets, and due to Covid, handed him over to them in the car park. We waited in the car until we got a call on our mobile saying they were keeping him in over night as he appeared to have a fractured jaw due to what appeared to be a dog attack and they wanted to do X-rays etc.
The following day the next vet on duty rang. My husband took the call and told me that the vet had said that the treatment needed was “an awful lot to put a cat through, with no guarantee of him getting better”. We had both said to the vets we spoke to that we would give the go ahead to do whatever was needed to make him better, and it was indicated that the kindest thing for the cat was to put him to sleep. Because we wanted what was the best for him, we rang the vet back and gave consent to euthanise.
Two weeks later I can’t help thinking we made the wrong decision. I’ve since researched fixing a cat’s broken jaw, and it seems to be a pretty common treatment, with a high success rate. Why were we lead to believe that it would be too traumatic? There’s no way in the world I would have had him put to sleep if there was any way he could have recovered. On top of this regret, I wasn’t able to see him again, as no one was allowed into the practice. I feel like I just abandoned him, and left him to have his life ended when he could have been saved. I’d fully expected to be bringing him home again in a day or two. The grief is so deep. I miss him so much. I’m just struggling with so many emotions and am finding it difficult to just get through each day. I don’t believe in the afterlife so can take no comfort in the thought that I’ll see him again some day. My beautiful boy has gone.
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fjm
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Re: Grief and regret

Post by fjm »

I am so sorry - he was a fortunate stray to find such a caring, patient family.

When we lose a much loved companion we so often find ourselves dwelling on the "if onlies", wishing somehow we had found a way to a different conclusion and filling ourselves with guilt that somehow we did not do enough. Some fractured jaws can be repaired, but I am sure that had your cat had even a reasonable chance of recovery your vet would not have recommended euthanasia - it is not something they consider unless the situation is very serious and the prognosis very poor. Taking him to the vet immediately and giving him a peaceful release saved him from much pain and misery. I am sure the vets would have sedated him to examine such a painful injury and for the x-rays, and kept him on significant pain relief, so all he would have known was that suddenly the world became a more comfortable, sleepier place. I doubt he would have been aware had you been able to go in to see him - it would have comforted you, I know, but he would have been very sleepy. It may help to discuss it with the vet, who may be able to reassure you.

I know nothing will stop the thoughts going round and round - most of us have been there at one time or another. But you really did do the best and kindest thing.
Last edited by fjm on Tue Aug 31, 2021 7:29 am, edited 1 time in total.
Delmac
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Re: Grief and regret

Post by Delmac »

Thank you fjm for your kind and caring words. Just seeing all of the posts here makes me feel like I’m not alone in how absolutely dreadful I’m feeling. I really appreciate you taking the time to offer kindness.
Bertie 2017
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Re: Grief and regret

Post by Bertie 2017 »

Hi I am so sorry for your loss ,you give this lovely cat ,the best four years of his life ,I
Perfectly understand your doubts ,over weather the vet was ,right ,after I lost my Bertie,
I blamed the vets for a long time ,but believe me ,they tried for almost five weeks ,too
Save him ,using much expensive at the same time ,you see it was the Pdsa ,who treated
Him ,anyway what I am trying too say ,that you did the right decision ,it shows how much you
Love ,him ,letting him go ,putting his needs before your own ,I can only imagine ,how hard
It was too ,hand him over ,but having witnessed many cats being put too sleep ,including
My Bertie ,I see it as a very peaceful and dignified way to go ,but having saying that ,
I understand perfectly ,the pain and heartache ,that comes with such a huge loss ,don’t
Feel guilty about not being there ,in the room ,at the vets ,sadly this Covid virus has ,gone on for too long ,and you didn’t let your furry friend down ,because of it that was something
Out of your control ,I send you best wishes and hugs ,


,
Bertie 2017
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Re: Grief and regret

Post by Bertie 2017 »

I thought I d add that having read FJM post I couldn’t agree more about what was written
It was said perfectly
Delmac
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Re: Grief and regret

Post by Delmac »

Thank you Bertie 2017. It makes me feel less alone knowing that others like yourself understand my grief. My heart is in pieces. Your kind words are deeply appreciated.
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