I love you Talisquinha. We will always be together.

[BSilva]

(i'm sorry if i write with a lot of grammatical errors, english is not my first language)

Man... life really hasn't been kind to me and my family this last year and a half, but this really is the worst i have ever felt my entire life.

In 2020 within 4 or 5 months i lost my dad, my grandfather and my grandmother, had some financial struggles that came with it and it took everything i had in me to keep going, not giving up college (something that i started late, since i was working on my family's business before) and be strong for my mom. Pets really make the worst day of your life into something bearable don’t they? Just by being with them, petting them, talking to them... my little Talisca made my life bearable. My best friend..

About 8 years ago he was still a stray cat, my aunt used to feed him but then she passed away and he vanished. After a while he showed up with a nasty injury in his neck, and my mom took care of him by taking him to the vet and bringing him home.

I still remember the first day. I came home late, tired, i just wanted to go to bed. Talisca (still nameless at that point) was nowhere to be seen, i ask my parents where he was, they told me he probably escaped through the living room window (he could reach the street safely from there), i shrugged it off (never though about having a cat or any other animal, I was a big loner) and went to bed. After a while, i started smelling something .. though it was coming from outside, but then the smell became more intense, i looked under the bed (there's only a very small gap between the bed and the wall but it seemed impossible for him to squeeze through) and there he was .. soiling the floor, scared. "Really?? For the love of.. i just want to go to sleep!". So, me (annoyed) and my mom, cleaned the floor and I finally went to bed, still mad.

Remembering this brings a smile and tears to my eyes.. how quickly things change.

After a few months, when he was finally healthy again, we opened the door, and let him go thinking he would never come back. We were already missing him in advance. I still remember him looking outside, and then to us, and then outside, as if he was thinking "Am i really allowed to leave?".
And so he left.. slowly, in a very measured way, to a field right next to the house. It had been so long that the outside world seemed strange to him. I can still picture is little head peaking out the flowers, looking at us.

Of course he came back.

Came to the house to eat when no one was near and then he would run away again, time after time, after time, after time... until one day he just became a bit less frightened by our presence. At that time i was already in love with him.

Funny thing is, in the beginning he would only allow us to pet him ... with our foot. No hands because that would make it seem like we would have to get a bit to close for him and he would run away.. no problem little buddy, i'll pet you with my foot for as long as you like.

And then, with our hands..

And then, he started sleeping in the house..

And then, in our bed..

And he became family.

There's a lot of story between all of those things as you can probably guess.

My little Talisca became so important to me that i don't even know what to say, im afraid i'll miss something.. . he was there during years and years of me hating my job, he was there during failed relationships, when my dad passed away, when my grandparents passed away, during lockdowns, and so much more.

More important than that he allowed me to be happy, to express myself, to play with him like i was a kid again, brought me inner peace. I grew up as a person, as a man because i had my little buddy with me making me feel special for once in my life. Its something i don’t remember feeling before.

A month and a half ago me and my mom made the heartbreaking decision of putting him to sleep. He was very ill, there was nothing else we could do, and his age didn’t help in a potential treatment. It would only make him suffer more. That broke me into a million pieces.

He was so gentle, he never scratched us.. it’s like he knew we took care of him when he was injured. We would always leave the door semi-opened so he could come and go as he pleased, always gave him the freedom to be where he wanted to be, because he wasn’t “ours”, he was and will always be family.

I can’t go to my parents room without “seeing” him there waiting for me on the bed, chasing after me and the laces from my sneakers that I would remove so I could play with him.. and his little paws appearing under the bed trying to catch them.

I can’t go to the living room because that’s where he spent his last weeks here, and I can still “see” him there, ill.. and me sleeping on the ground for weeks there just to be near him while trying to study for the exams at the same time. Trying to give him food but to no avail.. those weeks… I really did all I could do…. But I still feel like a failure and it makes me cry knowing he wasn’t well and not being able to help more.

I can’t go to the kitchen without “seeing” him waiting for me to open the door to come in as he would leave earlier with my mom when she would go to work. I can’t make breakfast or anything else without picturing him by my side waiting for his meal..

I can’t go outside without “seeing” him in the stairs waiting for me to come home, he would run up the stairs like a freaking bulldog when I would call him because he knew I was either going to pet him, put him on my lap, or give him food.

And obviously my own room, man.. its too much. Too many memories.

Rationally I know me and my mom couldn’t do anything else, I know he was very happy with us, I know without us he wouldn’t probably survive the injury I mentioned before, one more week, and he managed to get about 7 more years with us with absolutely everything we could possibly give him and all the love in the world … but I still feel like a failure, I feel broken and above everything else I miss my best friend. I miss him so much I would easily give years of my life to have him back.

I love you Talisquinha, you will always be here with us. You’re not in pain anymore. Some things changed, and I have no idea what the after life is like but when someone is so closely connected to us and so important to us, their presence will always be felt. We will always be together.


(I’m sorry for the long text but sometimes the pain is too much, sharing helps.. thank you everyone for being a part of my life)

Searching for pictures still hurts, one day i'll scroll through the entire gallery, but for now here he is, my beautifull boy.

[fjm]

A beautiful tribute to a beautiful and much loved cat. Words are of little help at a time like this, and his loss, devastating at any time, must be even more painful after so much grief already this year, but many of us have felt the overwhelming grief of losing a much loved companion, and know something of what you are feeling. You most certainly did not fail him - you did everything possible, and at the end gave him a peaceful, pain free passing. I love that he helped you grow and to pursue your dreams - I hope he stays warmly curled in your heart to be with you through the years to come, reminding you that it is important to play, and to love, and to overcome fear, and all the other lessons he showed you in your years together.

[BSilva]

A beautiful tribute to a beautiful and much loved cat. Words are of little help at a time like this, and his loss, devastating at any time, must be even more painful after so much grief already this year, but many of us have felt the overwhelming grief of losing a much loved companion, and know something of what you are feeling. You most certainly did not fail him - you did everything possible, and at the end gave him a peaceful, pain free passing. I love that he helped you grow and to pursue your dreams - I hope he stays warmly curled in your heart to be with you through the years to come, reminding you that it is important to play, and to love, and to overcome fear, and all the other lessons he showed you in your years together.

Thank you so much for your words fjm. Truly appreciate the support everyone offers around here.

[Delmac]

You are not alone. I totally understand your pain, which comes from the love that you gave and received from your special Talisquinha. fjm has put it so beautifully, you did not fail your wonderful companion. He knew love in his life, and returned it unconditionally, and that is the best gift that we can have. Stay strong, in time the painful memories will become beautiful memories.

[BSilva]

You are not alone. I totally understand your pain, which comes from the love that you gave and received from your special Talisquinha. fjm has put it so beautifully, you did not fail your wonderful companion. He knew love in his life, and returned it unconditionally, and that is the best gift that we can have. Stay strong, in time the painful memories will become beautiful memories.

Thank you so much Delmac. I really hope things do get better.

One of the millions of thoughts that hurts me has to do with his last day when we were at the vet. I stood right in front of him, kneeling, with my hand on his little paw, so he could see me and feel that someone he knew was with him, but there was a moment there

He kept following the vet with his eyes, seemed a bit startled, when she went outside the room, after a while she came in to do what she had to do, his eyes weren't really focusing on anything at that point but than my buddy looked at me for one second, right before his little head slowly dropped and he closed his eyes.

That's a devastating last moment .. i have always had a "self-blaming" sort of mind, and it really hurts thinking that the last feeling he felt when he looked at me was betrayal or disappointment after all those years of nothing but love and care.

Everytime i wake up, i have to cry and apologyze to him all over again for something i might have done wrong. I really want to think that he looked at me to thank us for everything, i'm almost waiting for some magical signal in the sky that confirms it but it's "easier" to blame myself.

[Delmac]

Please don’t blame yourself. Try to focus on the positive things. If he hadn’t had your love and care, it’s likely that he would have met his end much sooner than he did. Having you extended his life, and most importantly, he knew how much you love him. I’m feeling the devastation of losing my beautiful cat a few weeks ago, and know how difficult it is to face the day without our much loved cats in our day to day life. We are experiencing the grieving process, but time is the great healer. We just need to ride the tide and stay strong. Take care, Talisquinha will always be with you in your heart and mind.

[BSilva]

It's been a year since my friend passed away (July 9th, 2021).

I just stopped by to give my thanks to fjm and Delmac for the kind words. It might not seem like much, but when things got harder to handle, i would come here to read your messages once again so i could feel a little bit better.

To everyone else, it does get better, believe me. And if you read the initial portion of my post i'm sure you realize things haven't been easy.

Every single one of those moments that seem impossible to get through, if you seek some help (talk to your friends, family, therapist), give it enough time and (without ignoring what you're feeling) occupy your head with something, they will slowly lose their venom. It's ok to cry, and sometimes it might feel like you're having a good enough day and all of a sudden a memory pops up in your head and there you go crying all over again. Over time these waves will become less and less frequent. They might not disappear entirely but that's a good thing, it's a sign that they were a valuable part of our lives.

And to my little buddy, i miss you everyday... i really do. But i'm sure you're in a better place now, still playing with a different version of ourselves.

Thank you for everything, we love you Talisquinha.

[fjm]

I am glad things are a little easier, and that you have found comfort and support in family and friends. We do not forget, but little by little we learn to live with the loss, and remember with smiles as well as tears. I hope the coming year brings you new beginnings, peace and happiness, and that when the time is right Talisca sends another small life to share your love.