Feeling so much guilt

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Meesh83
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Feeling so much guilt

Post by Meesh83 »

Hi everyone, new here.
I'm having a bit of a rough time coming to terms with the passing of my beloved rescue cat, Pepper. He had been ill for months with IBD, flare ups would come and go but they were getting worse and worse, and steroids were not working as well as they did initially. So I made the hard decision to have him PTS in November.

Pepper was terrified of the vets and travelling in the car so thankfully I was able to have a vet come to my house to carry out the procedure. She said it's quicker to be able to just get the line in and euthanise and we tried to do that but he was struggling really badly, so she had to sedate him, which made him vomit but thankfully he went to sleep immediately after and appeared to be completely sedated and she was able to get the line in. We had a moment together for me to say goodbye and I then consented to her giving him the final injection. As he was passing he let out a final breath, which I know I normal but the thing that has been tormenting over since is that his fur puffed up as if he was scared. I hate to think that in his final moments he knew what was happening to him, especially when I tried so hard to make it as easy and gentle as possible for him. With previous cats of mine that have been PTS, I never noticed this happen before, but both times my cats were in crisis (one had been hit by a car and the other was very near end of life with kidney failure).
I guess the point of my post is to see if anyone can offer any reassurance and to see if anyone else has experienced their cat's fur puffing up during euthanasia? Is it common? I have tried looking online to find answers and have not had any luck. I hope it's just a muscular reaction during the procedure, rather than my Pepper still being 'aware' of what was happening to him while being sedated.
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Kay
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Re: Feeling so much guilt

Post by Kay »

It's absolutely normal to feel guilt about some aspect of a pet's passing, whether it be naturally or by euthanasia, so just accept it as an inevitable side effect which we all feel

I have no experience of fur puffing up, but I am absolutely certain that no animal understands what is happening to them during the process of euthanasia - I have had two cats pts at home, and it was so much easier for me and them, and even the minor struggle of holding them to insert the needle was nothing compared with the trauma of getting them into a carrier, making that final journey, and still having the same struggle in the hated vet premises

you did well by your Pepper, and I am sure the good years you shared with him mean so much more than those final moments when you eased his suffering
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Mollycat
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Re: Feeling so much guilt

Post by Mollycat »

I'm so sorry for you and Pepper. We lost my Boo to the same and it's hard enough having to judge when enough is enough, without more questions.

Not sure quite what you mean - well I know puffing up but haven't seen it in the final moments. It's usually the cough that spooks most people and that might be a clue as to what happened to Pepper. At the moment of passing there can be involuntary muscle spasms, and odd as it might seem hairs are erected by tiny individual muscles. I'm no expert but I see no reason why those can't be the subject of an involuntary muscle spasm.

Sedation is a mild anaesthesia, it knocks them out enough to perform minor surgery - my own dog is due to have a wart removed under sedation rather than full anaesthetic - and I have every confidence he won't feel a thing.

What I do know for certain though is that every bereavement leaves us with guilt, among the mad mix of emotions that grieving is the task of working through. And even when there is nothing at all to cause it, the human mind will find something, no matter how small and how incorrect, to pin this emotion to. Guilt is an essential part of grieving, even if there is nothing at all to feel guilty for. It sounds like Pepper has been dearly loved and cared for right to his very last breath and beyond. Let grief have its time, and Pepper his new place safe in your memories, and let guilt be subject to logic and perspective.

Be kind to yourself in the days and weeks to come.
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