Utterly Devasatated. How do you ever get over this feeling?

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seaelle12
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Utterly Devasatated. How do you ever get over this feeling?

Post by seaelle12 »

Sorry for the long post, but I have to get this out before I feel like I'm crushed by grief.

Hello, I rescued my cat (named "Mouse") in early 2019 after I saw her eating birdseed at my bird feeder. It took me weeks to trap her and when I finally got her inside and settled (fixed, shots, etc.), she became the sweetest, needy cat. She was still very scared of strangers, but she demanded my attention all the time - morning cuddles, afternoon play, evening cuddles AND play... She also LOVED my other cat, and they frequently ran around the house together, slept together, and groomed each other.

We recently decided we finally needed to get our concrete floors re-epoxied (our whole house has concrete floors), so we took on the arduous task of clearing out out house and moving me, my husband, my daughter, and my 2 cats into an Airbnb at a friends' house about 15 minutes away (on a mountain in the woods). It was a small space, but we were cozy and things were going well.

On the day before we were going to move back to our house, my husband didn't latch the front door all the way and my other cat pried the door open. Both cats went out. I was standing right there but somehow didn't see it happen until it was too late. I ran outside only to see Mouse standing on the patio, scared. I tried to talk sweetly to her but she ran under the deck. I was hoping I could corner her and get close to her there, but she sprinted out and around the house. She sprinted across the road and almost got hit by a car before going up a tree. I was relieved that she was up the tree - we knew where she was! I then started calling all the arborists in the area, but no one was available on a Saturday afternoon. I wish I had tried to call more places - it was my first of many regrets.

I sat out under the tree with her in the evening, but with my daughter still nursing, I also needed to take care of her. I finally got a text from an arborist that they were willing to come out that night (around 10pm). I was elated! But then worried. She is so scared of people! What if she jumped out of the tree? What if she fell and got injured? What if she ran into the woods and we never saw her again? My husband talked me out of having the person come that night - he reassured me that she would likely be there in the morning. Another major regret.

I went back out to check on her around 1:30 am and she was still in the tree, but a bit lower (although still very high). I talked to her for awhile and thought that maybe she just found a better place to settle in for the night. After giving her a goodbye for the night, I went back inside. Another regret. Why didn't I just stay out there with her as long as I could???

The next morning, she was gone from the tree. I was absolutely devastated. We were in a strange area, away from home, and in the woods. I felt so incredibly helpless, and then the guilt set in (and it hasn't left). I looked and looked for her as much as I could, but I know that even if she was in the area, she would be hiding and wouldn't come out, even for me. I wanted to be there all day, but of course I had to think of my daughter too. We set up a trap under the tree with a little food and just waited.

I went out again that evening and looked with a flashlight. After being out there for a long time, I did see some eyes staring back at me from a copse of downed trees. I talked to her again for awhile but stupidly tried to get closer and the eyes disappeared. I searched the area high and low but fear that I just scared her out of her hiding spot even more.

The next day, I moved the trap, created a shelter, put up a wilderness cam, and set up a second trap a bit farther back in the woods. But they were doing construction on the road about 100 yards away and I'm scared she's long-gone. I keep going back in the morning and evening to refresh the food, put out some water, and check the wilderness cam. The food is never touched and I haven't seen anything on the wilderness cam.

It's supposed to start raining hard for the next 2 days and I'm shattered. Every time I go out to check, it breaks my heart all over again. She was such an unbelievably sweet cat. She doesn't deserve to be lost. She doesn't deserve to be cold, hungry, and scared. I can't believe I did this to her. I can't believe I don't have her back. I don't know how long to keep trying - I feel like I've let her down so many times and I can't even bear the thought of her being gone. Why is the weight of this grief so heavy? I haven't been able to do anything but think of her and what else I could be doing. I feel more guilt for not working, not being with my daughter, and having no affection towards my other cat at the moment. All I want to do is sit in the woods and cry. I want her to come back. I want her to know she was loved and that I'm so sorry for everything I put her through.
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Kay
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Re: Utterly Devasatated. How do you ever get over this feeling?

Post by Kay »

don't despair - she survived outdoors before you rescued her, and that experience will stand her in good stead

have you circulated her description and photo in the area she went missing? informed the nearest vets' surgeries and rescues? is the area part of a local community group on Facebook, which can be excellent to get people to look out for her, and would give you somewhere to keep in touch with local people -such groups invariably include animal lovers who will want to help

if you do go back to look for her yourself, I would rely on sound more than sight - at night when it's quiet you are more likely to hear a cry in response to you calling her, and if you do you must keep still and hope she will find you

there is nothing worse than not knowing, so I do hope you can find her - please come back and let us know if you do
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