A Loss I Can't Cope With

Help & Support for those who have lost a beloved cat
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Fraser1
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A Loss I Can't Cope With

Post by Fraser1 »

Hello,
I lost my little soul mate to a car. He was missing for 2 days, then we found him. I feel like I could faint at any moment, I feel so awful and it overwhelms me. I see him everywhere. He helped me through some difficult times and I stayed home often just to be with him. I don't want to live without him. I'm hoping other people have felt this way and might be able to help even the tiniest bit. Thankyou.
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Ruth B
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Re: A Loss I Can't Cope With

Post by Ruth B »

I'm so sorry for you, it always hurts to lose a family member, and while many will say they are 'just cats' we know that isn't entirely true. Nothing I can say can take the pain away, but I can say it is normal, and slowly it will ease. You gave him the best life you could, every time we let them out, we know we take a risk, but the enjoyment they get, is, in my mind, well worth it. Try and focus on all the good times you had together and how much he enjoyed life with you. Grief effects us all differently, and there are many stages that have to be worked through, don't be ashamed at how you feel.

When you feel you are ready, you might want to consider giving a home to another friend, you can never replace the one you lost, but the shelters are full of cats who would love you just as much. I know some people need time to heal, I'm the opposite, I lost my old girl, just to old age but it still hurt, but in days I was starting to look for a new one to add to the family. With grief there is no right or wrong with what you do or how you feel, we are all different, so take the time you feel you need.
Fraser1
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Re: A Loss I Can't Cope With

Post by Fraser1 »

Thankyou so much for your response.
I’m plagued by thoughts of his death and seeing him like that. I’m finding it hard to think of him happy it hurts so much. I can’t go in rooms without seeing him on the bed and such a wave of grief takes hold I think I’ll be sick.

In time I would like another cat, but he was so special, we had a real bond and everyone saw it, he greeted me when I came home and followed me everywhere. He was such a special cat I can’t imagine replacing him. I wouldn’t want to compare a new cat who could never live up to Ralf.

And I feel so guilty. We were at a wedding, and he would have been in if we were home.
I’m struggling.
Cleos_mum
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Re: A Loss I Can't Cope With

Post by Cleos_mum »

Fraser1, I am so sorry for your loss. I get you, that nauseating and constant pain you feel at the loss of your beloved cat. That is a testament to the love that you felt for Ralf. I understand what you mean exactly when you expect to go into rooms and see him and the jolt when you remember he is gone. I am going through this too and my heart is totally broken, my cat was only just coming up to 2 years of age and she was hit by a car. I had to have her euthanised as her injuries were extensive but the guilt I feel that I held her in my arms while she was put to sleep is currently like no other. I think the only solace we can take Fraser1 is the fact we loved them unconditionally in their time they were here, as they did us. Be kind to yourself.
PinkMommy1234xx
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Re: A Loss I Can't Cope With

Post by PinkMommy1234xx »

Hi there,
Unfortunately I am in the same boat as you, and like you I don't know how I can live with this. My heart is broken. My darling beautiful female cat Sassy, only 2 years old. Was run over by a car, she'd somehow dragged herself home and was sat on door step, when I finally (😢) got home and let her in, I could see she was in a very bad way. Unfortunately her injuries, was not fixable, and we had our fur baby euthanized. This only happened yesterday, and I am completely be side my self. I keep replaying it over and over in my mind her dragging herself in, the images of her etched in my mind forever. I feel absolutely guilt ridden also, this pain is completely unbearable and I don't know how I'll ever learn to live with this. We got Sassy during lockdown, she brought us so much joy and got us through the pandemic. I couldn't have any more children, and that's why I got Sassy, she really was my fur baby and I love her so much. I can't imagine life without her, everytime I look at the window I imagine her sitting there, her cat tower standing there never to be played with again, her cat treats never to be eaten, how can this be 💔💔💔💔 life is so cruel. I really hope that you find peace, like the vet said to me, at least you know what happened, some cats can't make it back and the owners never know what happen to them. I am trying to take comfort from just that, that I was with her at the end😭😭
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Kay
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Re: A Loss I Can't Cope With

Post by Kay »

There is no short cut to moving on from such a loss, and I so understand how the end plays over and over in a most distressing looop. The only way I have found to bring some relief is to make a scrapbook of those happier times, with photographs and writing about special memories. Sassy's life needs to be remembered more than her death, and you can work on trying to shift the balance.

You don't say if you have buried her, or have her ashes, but even if not a special plant can be important, and I have an engraved slate memorial for my lost cats, and a canvas print made from a favourite photo.

And I have always kept toys and beds and cat trees in place, and promised myself and my lost cat that when the right time came I would bring home another rescue cat who would appreciate them, and the home I could offer him or her. I hope it will work out for you too.
PinkMommy1234xx
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Re: A Loss I Can't Cope With

Post by PinkMommy1234xx »

Yes I agree with trying to focus on her life more, her death was just so traumatic, I am still completely in shock, its the first pet I've lost & I just can't believe it...
I have asked for her to be cremated, just incase we ever move, I can always keep her close 💔❤️‍🩹 we are planning on putting her ashes, photos etc together on the shelf in the lounge. A lady I know is making me a scrapbook as I'm rubbish at that sort of thing but i read online this can help, we have also decided we will be planting a tree along with a plaque etc. It's just so unbelievably hard to accept, oh bless you, I honestly don't think I could have another, as much as I love cats and yearn for one, I just worry I wouldn't love it as much as Sassy, she meant the world to me. I hope your okay after losing your precious cat too, thanks for your reply x
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Kay
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Re: A Loss I Can't Cope With

Post by Kay »

I'm glad to hear you have made practical arrangements for your Sassy - it's no more than she deserves, of course, and doing your best for her will give you some comfort, I hope

and please don't think of having another cat in terms of replacing her - you have a good home to offer a cat who needs one, even if you can't love it as much as you loved Sassy - love may or may not come later but there are so many cats needing homes that there is nothing wrong with being practical about that too
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Mollycat
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Re: A Loss I Can't Cope With

Post by Mollycat »

Sorry for your loss, and the traumatic circumstances.

Just on the subject of another cat - when I lost my first, I knew she was extra special, and I think though we love all our pets there is sometimes that one that is just a part of our soul. Within weeks we were asked to take in another who had been sleeping outside in a cold winter. I agreed but made it very clear my heart was broken and although there was a vacancy in the house, the new cat would have to be someone's else's cat, my partner's. In time, more than 3 years later, my heart was ready to really love again, and just about that moment a cat appeared in our garden, shy but determined to move in with us, and demanding that I tame him.

In the full whack of grief it feels as though we could never love again or if we did that we would somehow be betraying the memory of the one whose loss is still so raw. But the fact is we do slowly heal and love again, and there is nothing to feel guilty about. After all, if they love us, they would surely want us to love and be loved again. wouldn't they?
PinkMommy1234xx
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Re: A Loss I Can't Cope With

Post by PinkMommy1234xx »

I hope it does bring me comfort because honestly i am beside myself, I've lost actual human family members and it never hurt as much as this, she really was more than "just a cat" I had her because I couldn't have any more children, so in my mind she was my baby just in fur (and my god she really was my baby) she was in SUCH a bad way when we got her, and we got her back to full health, which was hard work but worth it. We got her in the lockdown, and I genuinely thank Sassy for getting me through it, and she kept us going through that difficult period. I know what you mean, friends keep saying get another, but the thought of going through all this again is too much and I know it wouldn't replace Sassy (this would be impossible) however it's just the heavy weight of guilt that I'm feeling to even think of having another. I know I have so much love to give and a good home, but feel so bad for even thinking that way. I just miss having a cat presence, my house feels empty without her and my days aren't the same as she'd became such a huge part of my routine. I feel so lost. Yes shes my first, you can probably tell and that's exactly how I describe her "special" she was the kindest soul. Really appreciate your reply, and you have worded that so well! Thats the long and short of it you have it summed up, it does feel like a betrayal, and I do feel it would be impossible to love another. But maybe in time but at present, I just can't think of it. I'm literally consumed by her death, I feel so guilty, wish I hadn't of put her out, didn't get to say bye at vets whilst she was awake etc... life is so unfair 😭😭
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fjm
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Re: A Loss I Can't Cope With

Post by fjm »

I am so sorry - they become part of the fabric of our lives, woven into every hour of the day and night, and when that is torn apart the loss is overwhelming. I think that is why it can feel even worse than losing a human we love, but who we see comparatively rarely. For now all you can do is keep breathing and survive the pain - it is too soon to think about the future.

But one day, in weeks or months or years, when you are able to remember Sassy with smiles as well as tears, there will come another small being in need of your love and care - perhaps a cat, perhaps another animal or even a young human. And you will use all that she taught you and find the courage to build a bond again - a different bond, but perhaps just as strong. Because that is her gift to you - the gift of loving.
PinkMommy1234xx
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Re: A Loss I Can't Cope With

Post by PinkMommy1234xx »

Ahh that was so lovely, brought tears to my eyes, thanm you for your such kind words...She really did, I loved her so much and I know she loved me too, friends/family come and go, but Sassy was always there, she's was my constant, and my companion. (We've moved quite far away from family about 6 months ago) so now my days are so lonely without her next to me...its just so unfair, we only had her for 2 years she had so much life left to live. And the fact after she was cruelly run over, she dragged herself home to us even though she'd got a pelvis broken in 4 places (it had all completely moved) a broken leg and a broken tail, breaks my heart so deeply.
Really appreciate the replies, to know I'm not in this alone (unfortunately) I actually feel so overwhelmed with sadness that I'll never smile again. Xxx
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