Our beautiful Penny xx

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Gemma
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Our beautiful Penny xx

Post by Gemma »

I'm seeking some support and advice for with coping with the grief and heartache of loosing our beautiful Penny this week. Still can't believe she's gone it's all happened so unexpectantly. She was only 4 years old and I thought we were going to grow old together. She was fit and well and when we last saw her fly out the cat flap Sunday morning we never imagined that would be the last time we saw her.
It was a lovely sunny day and she loved being outside sleeping in the sun and chasing mice in the back fields. When she didn't come back for her tea I was starting to get a bit worried. We searched the garden and called her and shook biscuits but there was no sign of her. Thought she may of got shut into someone's garden shed or outbuilding as she had a tendency to go through an open door - she got shut in our wardrobe several times! The next morning when we woke up (although didn't sleep too well ) she hadn't been home. We went and searched the garden, the back field, neighbouring gardens. We put notes through several of our neighbours doors to check their gardens and sheds etc. Monday afternoon we searched again, we put more flyers through doors, posters up around the village, informed local vets, put an add out on the local radio station. Still no sign of her another sleepless night.
Tuesday morning I put her bedding, my bedding, cat treats in the garden to try and intice her home incase she was lost or stuck somewhere. I got out of work early and spent 3 hours searching for her again. After some tea I had another look on the internet about how to search for missing cat, and decided to look for under the cover of darkness.
From making that decision to finding her took less than 5 minutes. I instinctively I think went to the back of the garden with a torch and called her over the fences. I thought I'll just have a look down the side of a large concrete compost container next to the fence. I jumped out my skin when the touch light hit a mass of black fur she was there. Our beautiful penny cold and stiff.
We lifted her out, cried for her and told her we loved her. I told her We had her and she was safe. We buried her in a lovely spot by the bench where she used to sit and watch the birds.
I am heartbroken.
I am feeling awfully guilty for not finding her sooner and getting help for her.
We had put a step ladder right by where her head was poking out on Monday morning when we climbed over the fence to check the back fields. I'm thinking we would of seen her if she was there Monday morning but I can't be sure?
I am beating myself up over the thought of her being there all that time and hiding in silence. I can't bear to think she was in pain and suffering. I don't know how she became hurt or injured but guessing it happened Sunday afternoon.
We miss her very much. She was a huge part of our life and we brought each other so much love and joy. She was a rescue cat when she was a kitten and her and I formed such a strong bond. When I met her in the RSPCA she chose me by nudging my nose with hers. She slept with me on the bed and followed me around like a child. I miss her purring happy presence around the house and her running towards me and rolling around on her back when I got home from work.
I know things will get easier with time but it's so very hard right now xxxxxxxxx
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bobbys girl
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Re: Our beautiful Penny xx

Post by bobbys girl »

Oh Gemma, I am so sorry to hear your news.

Most of us on CC will know what you are going through right now - it's horrible. All I can say is it does get better. The pain will ease in time. Just be kind to yourself and stop thinking 'what if?'

It still makes me sad when I think of my sweet boy Cassidy. He was a lovely, big cat with a very sweet nature. We only had him 6 months when he disappeared, the same as your lovely Penny. He went missing Friday night and my husband found him, under the trailer at the side of the house, on Sunday morning. We must have walked passed him several times, calling for him. The vet put his death down to a sudden, massive heart attack. There was nothing we could have done. But we still thought 'what if?'...

I do have some lovely memories and photo's of our dear boy. It comforts me to know he had a good life with us.

I pray that your fond memories will comfort you. It sounds like Penny had a lovely life with you. She's now at Rainbow Bridge watching birds with my Cassidy. RIP Penny x

We are here if you want to talk. xx
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Re: Our beautiful Penny xx

Post by hgale »

I'm so sorry Gemma, I know its much easier to say than to do but please try not to feel guilty. You gave Penny a wonderful home for 4 years with lots of love - many cats don't get that. Try to focus on your many happy memories of her, and as you say, its hard at the moment but it will get easier with time.

RIP dear Penny, my Kitten and Mischa will look after you at Rainbow Bridge. And a {hug} for you Penny.

Helen
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Gemma
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Re: Our beautiful Penny xx

Post by Gemma »

Thank you both for your replies and kind words.
My partner is struggling to talk about whats happened and when I try to talk he gets angry. I know people grief differently but I don't think I'm helping him and he's not helping me.
I miss her so much it comes in waves and the house feels strange without her.
I still cant stop thinking I should of found her sooner, if she was hiding it that spot since Sunday she was there a long time hurt as she hadn't been dead all that long when we found her Tuesday night. Why didn't she call out?
But then I think if I had of found her before she died I wetld of definately taken her to the vets and she would of hated being pulled out, put in the carrier and put in the car. She would of hated the vets. Maybe nothing could of been done for her and we would have to put her down. She choose the spot we found her in, she was safe she could hear I was looking for her.. I believe everything happens for a reason and that maybe I wasn't meant to find her. I
I don't know how she got hurt? Noone ever say her on the road im sure she only pottered around the back gardens and fields. Maybe it was a dog? Maybe it was mouse poisen? Maybe it was natural cause?
At least we have found her and have her back with us.
Is there any tips for what I can do to stop thinking there horrible things and move forward? Xxxx
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Re: Our beautiful Penny xx

Post by Janey »

Hi Gemma,

I am so sorry for your loss and I can totally understand what you're going through right now. Last April the same happened with us and our old puss, it was the first really nice day we'd had and we found her early the next morning in the allotments right behind our fence, less than a minute walk away. I have said all the things you have and still do. All I can say is the pain will ease but it will take time. I cried more than I can tell you for my girl because I felt so bad at not searching further for her the same day, although we kept calling her etc, we just thought she was making the most of the nice weather that day as she had been inside all winter, and in the summer she would go out all day in the garden to sleep and we had to bring her in, but she never went far. I just wish I had done more but I'm not sure I could have done anything? My husband is like your partner and wouldn't talk but I just wanted to do that. Take care, it will be tough for a while but it will get easier I promise (hugs to you xx) RIP Penny, god bless xx
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Re: Our beautiful Penny xx

Post by Gemma »

Thank you Janey for taking the time to reply and tell me about your experience too.
Its comforting to hear that this cat behaviour has happened to others aswell. Hearing of your similar situation is awfully sad, but at least we found them in the end and are able to bring closure to their vanishing act and say goodbye.
Perhaps it's a man thing that they won't talk. I am a bit of a thinker and over analyse things until it does my head in. Ben is very much wanting to focus on the nice memories straight away and not think about the set of circumstances that led to her death.
I miss her being around so much and I think of what's happened to her all the time, and am crying constantly. I feel so guilty for not finding her when she was still alive. She could of been there all the time and I failed in finding her. Why didn't she tell me she was there I was calling her name right by her.
I know things will ease as time goes by. Like you I think a part of me will always feel sad for not being able to find and help her when she needed me the most.
Xxxxxxxxx
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Re: Our beautiful Penny xx

Post by Janey »

Gemma wrote: Perhaps it's a man thing that they won't talk. I am a bit of a thinker and over analyse things until it does my head in. Ben is very much wanting to focus on the nice memories straight away and not think about the set of circumstances that led to her death.
Yes I think it is often the case, and I found it hard because I just wanted to talk and talk until I was sick of talking but my hubby wanted to move on and remember the good times, that's his way of coping but I couldn't do that. I had to cry, on my own a lot too. If you need to, do that but try not to be hard on yourself.
Gemma wrote: I feel so guilty for not finding her when she was still alive. She could of been there all the time and I failed in finding her. Why didn't she tell me she was there I was calling her name right by her.
Just like me, the not knowing and if only I'd got her sooner going round my head. It will get easier, it won't feel like it now but it will. I am sure your Penny had the best life with you, just like our cat, we wouldn't be so hurt if we didn't care xx
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Gemma
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Re: Our beautiful Penny xx

Post by Gemma »

All very true. I loved penny so much and that's why it hurts so much. Ben loved her too and he's finding it very difficult aswell, but cos we have different ways of coping I'm making him worse and vice versa. I think us and our chaps are very similar!
I just have to go over and over things til I have it sorted in my head and can box it away. I think I would like to believe she was injured by either a car or dog and went into hiding somewhere, and that our calling and calling her eventually with a bit of an extra push from her brought her back into her home garden. I don't think she was where we eventually found her very long before she died. I do believe that if I had found her alive she would of hated being taken out in the car to the vets and being handled. Instead, like your beautiful cat, she was able to lay in her own territory, the way she wanted to do, listening to the birds and feeling the warmth of summer on her skin. They both heard us calling them and would of been reasurred by the voices of those they felt love and security with.
Xxxxxxx
How can I put a photo of penny up on here?
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Re: Our beautiful Penny xx

Post by bobbys girl »

Hi Gemma,

I'm normally a dull, plodding sort of person, but I wailed like a Banshee when we found Cass. It was such a shock. We had our vet check him over. No sign of poison or shot (our lovely neighbour's dad in law is a bit trigger happy and has a thing about 'vermin' :evil: ) But he had issues with fat around his heart and liver (though not a fat cat). Our vet said it was probably sudden and he showed no signs of struggle. We found him curled up as if asleep. This was a comfort. He had not suffered. He is buried in a favourite sun bathing spot.

My OH, Dave lost his 'garage cat' this year. Sparky was a stray who would visit him in the garage where he restores old cars with a friend. The garage is on a busy main road and Dave knew it was a matter of time before it claimed his lad. Sparky was a real alley cat who would not settle anywhere. But he's with us now. I had to bury him as Dave was too upset - he cried like a baby (big softy).
Dave and his boy
Dave and his boy
rsz_331892_10151268000084198_1073820050_o.jpg (21.27 KiB) Viewed 7416 times
To post a picture - click on browse and it will go to your photo's. Chose a picture and 'open'. It should appear as a jpg number. click on 'add the file' and 'place in line'. If the file is too big, I use the free 'picresize' (and keep it on favourites)

I hope that makes sense! I look forward to your pics of Penny.

Sue xx
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Re: Our beautiful Penny xx

Post by Crewella »

I'm so very sorry to hear about poor Penny. I'm the same as you, I need to 'process' stuff by talking about it until I can 'put it away'. You're telling yourself all the right things, and I believe them to be true. You have to remember that cats are independent creatures and like to be in control - Penny would have chosen a spot where she felt safe, in her own territory, but would not have wanted to be disturbed.

I lost a cat to the road a few months ago, and although we found her quickly I still felt guilty and was full of 'what if's'. It really does get better with time, you won't ever forget her, but that awful feeling of guilt and pain will go and you will be able to remember the good times and the lovely life she had with you. (((hugs)))

Rest in peace lovely Penny.
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Gemma
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Re: Our beautiful Penny xx

Post by Gemma »

Thank you sue and crewella for taking the time to reply and your kind words. Your replys have helped me alot today as it has been a particularly tough day today having being the first full day ive spent at home without penny. I miss her so much my lifes routine has now completely changed not having her here. I am struggling to eat, I cant watch tv or listen to the radio. I cant sleep through the night.
The guilty feelings although still there don't seem quite so intense after the support of your replies. Still thinking I wish I'd found her earlier and could of saved her from any pain maybe still have her with us. I hate the thought that when she was missing - most probably hiding in the garden in silence I was sat in the house or laying awake at night. I feel like I was not well prepared enough to be able to find her why didn't I do any research before this happened into how to find missing cats. I also had no real idea about where she went once over the garden fence.
I have tried to post a photo so you can see my beautiful girl but the pics age too big and I cant make them smaller?
Gemma xx
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Re: Our beautiful Penny xx

Post by Crewella »

You can't prepare yourself for everything, and finding her earlier may well not have helped. Remember, she chose to be where she was, and it's their independent spirit that most of us 'cat people' love about them.

When I lost my Peaches, I buried her in the garden with some favourite things and planted a buddleia to mark the spot. It really helped me to be planning and doing something in those first few days, and I know others have had a favourite picture of their beloved pets framed as a memorial and it has helped in the same way. You will get through this, the first days are the worst.

You can use a free image program like 'picresize' to make the pics smaller as Sue said, or use an image hosting site like 'photobucket' and just post a link, or if you can't face that right now, you're very welcome to email the pics to me and I'll post them for you - [email protected], though you'll have to bear with me as I probably won't be around until the evening.

Hoping Sunday won't be quite so tough for you. (((hugs)))
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Gemma
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Re: Our beautiful Penny xx

Post by Gemma »

Thank you
Peaches is such a lovely name for a cat
Yes we've been looking though photo on our phones etc and thinking of making a little photo book of penny.
I'm absolutely rubbish with computers and tecnology but will have a go with that pic ap tomorrow if I cant do it if I could email them to you that would be great thank you xx
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Gemma
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Re: Our beautiful Penny xx

Post by Gemma »

just trying to post a few pics of my georgous girl penny xx
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Re: Our beautiful Penny xx

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Janey
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Re: Our beautiful Penny xx

Post by Janey »

Hi Gemma, What a beautiful girl Penny was, black like my gorgeous girly that I lost (the one on my avatar). It's a year and half for me but the tears are here (((hugs for us both sweetie))) xx
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Gemma
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Re: Our beautiful Penny xx

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Re: Our beautiful Penny xx

Post by Gemma »

Hi Janey
I was wondering if the photo on your profile was of the cat you lost. It a lovely pic of her peering through the curtains, she was beautiful. My Penny did look very similar. What was her name?
Its a week ago to the day we last saw penny alive. She flew out the cat flap around 9am last sunday morning off to enjoy a day of sunshine. Very similar to the weather today aswell. I keep going upstairs and standing at the open windows that overlook our garden and back fields. Its so quite out there - no traffic on the front, no dog walkers to be seen. I really dont know what set of circumstances led to her getting injured or ill that day.
I cry because I miss her so very much. So many things remind me of her. What I would give to look out into the garden and see her pottering about enjoying herself and coming back in for some biscuits and a fuss before flying out the cat flap again. I miss talking in stupid voices to her and her purring and giving me the love eyes in return.
I cry because i wish i had looked harder for her when i started to get worried she hadn't reappeared for a while. I cry that i didn't search the garden more throughly incase she was where we eventually found her all that time. I cry because i went to work the next day and didn't stay at home continuing the search.
I dont want to do any washing or cleaning cos i dont want to wash away her smell or clear away the remainder of her cat hairs. The house is changing without her.
My beautiful Penny the nenny xxx
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Re: Our beautiful Penny xx

Post by Janey »

Hi Gemma, another lovely photo of Penny, I do love black cats. Thank you, we called our girl Sooty, she was elderly when we adopted her from rescue, we think about 14ish and she had been a stray. I don't want to go on about our puss to upset you but one of the worse things I found was not knowing. We found her the next morning laid in the allotments as if she'd fallen asleep but with a bit of blood at the side of her mouth. I went to see my vet to discuss with her what may have happened but it was all guess work. The following week though I witnessed a dog get one of our feral cats and she was left identical so I believe that's what happened to Sooty. Although it was terrible to think of that, I now had some idea and I think it was probably very quick which helped a little but the whole thing had been traumatic and did get me down for quite a while. In fact I've not adopted another cat since which is so unlike me, we've had cats all our married life usually adopting older ones but we do care for ferals so I still have those to look after. I was really missing my own indoor cat though this year though so instead we decided to foster for a while, but we've stopped that as we're having some work done in the house, but that really helped and I think we will probably adopt another oldie next year.
Just to say, I love the photo of Penny in the tub, bless her. Our very first cat was called Penny !
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Re: Our beautiful Penny xx

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I love black cats too. I love their black shiny coat and Pennys went chocolate brown in the summer. It was quite difficult to capture photos of her sometimes as she just looked like a black blob with big green eyes!
Not at all, i dont mind your explaination of what happed to your beautiful Sooty. I believe what ever happened to her happened quickly otherwise she would of hidden in a tiny space or made it back to the garden to die. Like you said she enjoyed sleeping out in the sunshine you would think she was out making the most of her time outside. I know exactly what the 'what ifs' feel like but am a strong believer that everything happens in a certain way for a certain reason. You found her right away he next day she she wasn't left there long. you were able to have closure and say goodbye and not left wondering where she was.
I think it was a dog with Penny too. I cant think it was a car as she never went on the roads all the neighbours have said her routes were around the back fields and gardens. It was a Sunday morning and there are lots of dog walkers in the fields and they let them off the leads. Perhaps she was enjoying a nice sleep and couldn't get out the way in time. I dont think it was natural illness or poisen as she was fit and well and behaving her normal self when she disappeared sunday morning.
But like you say its guess work and ill never really know. Ill never know if she was suffering for a long time before dying as we didn't find her until Tuesday evening. I dont know if she took a while to make it back home or if she was in that little spot all the time. When we found her she was very stiff and im not sure if this meant she had died on sunday or tuesday as read such different things about rigior mortis.
I wonder if i should of got her looked at by the vet too for some answers but then we just wanted to lay her to rest that night and couldn't bear her being left overnight like that.
xxx
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Gemma
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Re: Our beautiful Penny xx

Post by Gemma »

I undertstand why you haven't had any more cats since Sooty
Im not sure if we'll rehome any more cats and if we do it wont be for a while.
I love having a cat around but its all so raw at the moment, and im scaried the same will happen again.
Thats strange that your first cat was called Penny too! Was she black?
xxx
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Re: Our beautiful Penny xx

Post by bobbys girl »

Hi Gemma,

I love the pictures, what a lovely girl. Thank you for sharing these with us.
Gemma wrote:What I would give to look out into the garden and see her pottering about enjoying herself
Oh God, I know that feeling! :(

As well as Cass, we have had 2 cats just go missing without trace. The first week you think 'this time last week'... The first month... the first year... The last thing I want is to upset you. But you will probably feel the same. There will probably always be that sadness, because we love them so much. But the pain, the physical heartache, will diminish, honestly!

The pic of Penny in that pot made me laugh. My Thomas waits until I've planted up pots of bulbs, the he sits on them with a big smile on his face. I think he's trying to hatch them :lol:

It sounds as though she had a wonderful life with you. Just think about that. ;)
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Re: Our beautiful Penny xx

Post by Crewella »

You did it, lovely pics of Penny - black cats are so striking. I love the one of her in the pot too, my Peaches used to love sitting in my plant pots as well. :)

I hope you have a better day today. xx
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Re: Our beautiful Penny xx

Post by Gemma »

I used to laugh when i saw her i the plant pot, i just had to get a photo of her in it!
She used to curl up and sleep in that one and another bigger round one by the back door! Im not sure if she liked the warm soil?
im really hoping the heartache and pain will start to fade soon. I have so many happy memories and want to think of her without crying all the time.
The guilty feelings are starting to improve a bit now, this forum has helped me more than you'll know in trying to come to terms with the shock and the upset of whats happended this week so thank you from the bottom of my heart for all the replies and kind words and advice.
I hope that I will be able to help others on here that post about their missing cats and those that feel bereaved.
I hope that in time i will be able to give a lovely rural outdoor adventure home to more resue cats in need of love and a happy cat life.
Thanks again for all your continuing support
Ive moped around the house all morning Im going out to visit my brother in his new home this afternoon.
Hope you all enjoy the rest of the weekend
kindest regards
Gemma
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Re: Our beautiful Penny xx

Post by Janey »

Gemma wrote:I love black cats too. I love their black shiny coat and Pennys went chocolate brown in the summer. It was quite difficult to capture photos of her sometimes as she just looked like a black blob with big green eyes!
I know what you mean lol! we've had mainly black cats and they are gorgeous but so hard to photo!
Gemma wrote:Not at all, i dont mind your explaination of what happed to your beautiful Sooty.
I think it was a dog with Penny too. I cant think it was a car as she never went on the roads all the neighbours have said her routes were around the back fields and gardens. It was a Sunday morning and there are lots of dog walkers in the fields and they let them off the leads. Perhaps she was enjoying a nice sleep and couldn't get out the way in time. I dont think it was natural illness or poisen as she was fit and well and behaving her normal self when she disappeared sunday morning.
That's really why I explained about Sooty because it sounds as though it could have been the same with your Penny. It was Sunday morning when we found Sooty and she was also very stiff and it was a bit frosty (that was so awful to see :(). But the day before when she went out it was lovely and we think the dog may have been from the allotments
Gemma wrote:I wonder if i should of got her looked at by the vet too for some answers but then we just wanted to lay her to rest that night and couldn't bear her being left overnight like that.
xxx
We didn't get Sooty looked at Gemma, I wanted to but my husband said better not to know (again I thought different) so we buried her. I just went to have a chat to my vet in the week and she said it could have been sudden illness or accident but it was the following weekends incident which made me more sure of what happened
Gemma wrote:I undertstand why you haven't had any more cats since Sooty
Im not sure if we'll rehome any more cats and if we do it wont be for a while.
I love having a cat around but its all so raw at the moment, and im scaried the same will happen again.
Thats strange that your first cat was called Penny too! Was she black?
xxx
No she was tabby and white :) her name was a coincidence actually because she looked like one of my friend's cats, when I was younger, who was also called Penny and I thought to myself I will call her that. Then the lady at the rescue said 'I don't know if you've thought of any names yet but you could call her Penny because she has a round tabby patch on her tummy! :)
Take care xx
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Re: Our beautiful Penny xx

Post by Gemma »

Janey I cant believe all the similarity between you and I!
I too wanted to take her to the vet to try and get some answers but at the time Ben didn't want to know and of both couldn't face leaving her overnight and taking her there the following day. But now I think if I knew it would help of to come to terms with the loss and may affect the decision whether or not to get another cat. Couldn't bear it if it was human invented cruelty or poisen. If it was a car or dog attack or natural cause that seems a bit easier to deal with.
I love the story of your penny cat xx
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Re: Our beautiful Penny xx

Post by Crewella »

That is a lovely pic of Sooty too, Janey - my Merrick is black and I know how hard it is to take pics of black cats!

I hope you don't mind my sharing on your thread, Gemma - this is a pic of Peaches in her favourite spot in the summer of last year.

http://i35.photobucket.com/albums/d154/ ... hes023.jpg" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false;
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Re: Our beautiful Penny xx

Post by Gemma »

Oh i love that photo of peaches she looks so cosey and happy in there! made me smile xx
She was a beautiful colouring xx
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Re: Our beautiful Penny xx

Post by bobbys girl »

That is a lovely picture of Peaches. :)

Gemma - Hope you have a good time at your brother's this afternoon.
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Crewella
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Re: Our beautiful Penny xx

Post by Crewella »

Thank you, she was a very pretty cat. It's only just over a couple of months since we lost her, and though there is still a Peaches-shaped hole in the household, it doesn't hurt like it did. Like you, I found talking about it on here to people who understood really helped.

It might have helped if you'd found out more about what happened to Penny, but you may not have found out any more and I suspect there would still have been many unanswered questions running round in your mind. I know there are evil people out there, but whatever happened it's much more likely to have been just bad luck or accidental. xx
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