Presley

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KatieJayne
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Presley

Post by KatieJayne » Tue Feb 10, 2015 4:10 pm

As I'm writing this I don't really know what to say. I don't know why I'm writing to a stranger. I just feel so lost and alone. Empty. I lost my very best friend on Sunday just passed. But when I really think about it he was my soul mate.

My darling boy Presley was a blue colourpoint ragdoll. He would have been 11 today. The sadness in my heart that he didnt reach his birthday which was two days away, is overwhelming. He was diagnosed with CKD in October 2013 and was pulled back even though he was really unwell. He then carried on for over a year, untill this november, he became very unwell again, but yet again was pulled back with various meds. We were then told that he was actually only born with one kidney, and that the kidney he had was only half functioning at this point. We were told to administer sub-cut fluids every day so that he didnt become dehydrated. Which I did, every day. I also assist fed him up to 4-5 times a day because he had begun to lose weight dramatically and he had lost his appetite. For some people, I think this would have been too much and they wouldnt have been able to do it. But I did. I loved him so much that I would go thorough hell and back to make sure he was ok.

For 11 years he has slept by my side, in my bed under the covers or on the pillow next to me. Always waking up to a loving head butt, purr or meow. And now nothing. I go to bed alone and I wake up alone. The emptiness in my bedroom and in my heart feels like I could die from it. I cant take this pain he has left. I would sit at the end of my bed doing my hair or make up and he would always come up behind me to rub up against me or stand on my knee. everytime I sat downstairs on the armchair he would instantly jump down from wherever he was and come and sit on my knee. I know he loved me because he was such a fickle, grumpy old man and he chose me and no one else.

Even writing about him in the past tense hurts. It feels like someone has stabbed me in the heart.

You couldnt even go into the bathroom without him running in and jumping up to drink from the tap. Everytime I had a bath he would sit on the windowsill and wait for me. I couldnt go anywhere. He would wait for me when I got home form being out and if i didnt open the door fast enough he would meow untill he saw me.

The realisation that i will never see him again. Hold him. Kiss him. Stroke his beautiful fur and rub his beautiful little nose. This grief just consumes me.

He started to go downhill around this time last week, where we took him back to the vets and he was given a antibiotic shot and steroid shot just as he had had so many times before. I thought it would perk him up as it had done before. I thought he would sleep it off that night on Thursday, and he would be fine by the weekend, but he wasnt. He was so lethargic. Disnt want to move apart from to go to the litter tray and then hed stumble back to his blankets on the chair. In that short space of last week he had lost even more weight to the point where he was seriously emmaciated. I could feel every bone in his body. When his back legs went on saturday night and he started to be sick I knew, in my gut and my heart that it was time. I had set myself conditions for when it was to much and time to make a decision, and they were met at the weekend.

We called the vet on sunday and he came out to us. I think he passed on sometime after 2:00pm. I have so much guilt because I went into shock as it was happening and just remember sobbing uncontrollably and at one point collapsing in the kitchen. I was there stroking him but not looking when it was adminstered, but i feel like because i was not strong, i let him down at the time he needed me the most. I feel like i didnt kiss him enough, even though I remember kissing him and telling him he was my best friend. I dont think im even making sense.

I wont ever be able to write or tell anybody how much I loved him because words just dont cut it. I just keep thinking how he was here last week and now hes not. And what was I doing last week and how I didnt realise at the time he would be gone by next week. I loved every inch of him and he was there for me when no one else was. I got him when I was 14 years old and ive grown up with him. He been there when ive fell out with friends, family and my boyfriend and never judged. Always loved. he has become the main reason why I looked forward to going home every day. The amount of cuddles we have had. The endless kisses that ive rained upon his body.

I dont know what to do. Im in complete shock that hes gone. I cant stop crying and when I do I remember all over again that hes gone and it hits me like a ton of bricks. Ive never felt anything like it. Im utterly bereft. I work at pet at home and he was the reason i took a job there. My love of animals and because I had a cat of my own. Now I have nothing and I dont want to be there. Surrounded by other peoples animals. Everything reminds me of him. Ive still got his litter tray and belongings in my room because I cant bear to move them. I bought him jumpers to wear and since it happened i havent been able to stop holding them, sleeping with them and carrying them with me just to be close to something of his.

I cared for him for so long and now I have no purpose. His food and fluids are still in the garage.

I dont know why im writing this, like I said. Nothing anyone ever says will ever bring him back and thats what I want most in the world. I feel so ill. So empty. I miss him so much.

Katie

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bobbys girl
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Re: Presley

Post by bobbys girl » Tue Feb 10, 2015 5:56 pm

Oh Katie, I am so, so sorry for your loss. I wish there was something I could do or say to take away the pain. Many of us here will know just what you are going through. If you need to 'talk', we are here for you.

It sounds as if Presley was a lucky boy, to have had you looking out for him. He is at peace now, playing, happily at Rainbow Bridge.

Take time to grieve, it's only natural when you have lost someone so close. It may not seem like it now, but it will get better - honestly.

I don't think you let him down at all, so stop beating yourself up. Sending you a big (HUG). RIP Presley. xx

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JulieandBarney
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Re: Presley

Post by JulieandBarney » Tue Feb 10, 2015 7:45 pm

Katie, you are amongst friends, who so understand your feelings of grief and loss here..you are not alone...

I cried as I read your story, I too went through this grief and guilt just over a year ago, with my precious boy, I never thought I would smile again, I sobbed until I could sob no more, the grief was so raw, and so many "what ifs ?.." If it wasn't for the fantastic support and understanding of people on here, I would have gone crazy....My boy died of Oral Cancer, within a week of diagnosis, we had to put him to sleep, I cried hysterically to the vet that day, I could not believe my boy had to leave me, it tore me apart, believe me I understand completely, it consumed me.....We have all been through this and its so painful.

You gave Presley a fantastic life, you did all you could, bless you, you could have done no more, you saved him from any more pain.....what a lovely life he must have had with someone who loved him so much, he was lucky...

Stay on here Katie, we are all here for you. anytime, share your tears, thinking of you tonight...xx

KatieJayne
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Re: Presley

Post by KatieJayne » Wed Feb 11, 2015 6:09 pm

Hello everyone.

Thankyou for your replies.

I'm trying very hard to take comfort from those words and from what other people are telling me. But I'm finding it so, so hard. My body feels like its made of lead and my heart is so heavy. I couldn't believe it again, when I woke up this morning and didn't see his face, and the realisation hit me all over again.

Its only been 3 days but I feel like I cant remember what he felt like, and not so much what he looked like, but more, believing that he was actually real and a presence here in my home. It feels so empty. I have to keep looking at pictures of him on my phone or computer so I can trace out all his features and remember the texture of his fur but every time I do this I feel like I'm torturing myself.

I know that from being little I have always had a fear of death and more importantly what happens after. Is there anything? Presley's is the first experience I've had of this as no close family members have passed away. I have so much guilt for allowing the vet to take him away that day. We decided to have him cremated as his place was in the home and that is where he should return. But I dont know the process of what happens. I know that the vet said the crematorium people would pick him up the next morning but how long do they keep them before doing it? I thought that it would be done Monday when he was collected but someone told me about their dog passing on in work and how 2 weeks later they were collecting her ashes. Im getting so upset thinking my boy is in a strange place for possibly up to 2 weeks before hes actually cremated and when I think about the deed itself I'm filled with horrible images that wont go away. Its killing me to think hes still there just waiting. I wanted to be there, like you are for a service for people, but I cannot do this.

I have so much guilt for so many different things. Like after 11 years and loving him so much, why do I not have any videos or more pictures of him? I regret that I didn't take pictures of him every day because now I only have a small selection to look at.

My week used to go so fast and I'd get to the end of every week and wonder where it had got too but 3 days later and they have been the longest of my life. Every hour that goes by is agony. I feel like I've lost a piece of me. I just don't know what to do.

I'm crying every day, almost all day, and i feel like I'm a burden to other people because I just keep going over the same things. I just cant believe hes not here anymore and I'm not looking after him any longer.

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Walesgang
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Re: Presley

Post by Walesgang » Wed Feb 11, 2015 7:52 pm

Dear Katie

I am sorry to hear of the sad loss of Presley.

Most of us here have at some time lost a beloved furry friend. We have some idea what you are going through. You will start feeling better - I promise. There is no right or wrong way to do this. Take each day as it comes. It's natural to grieve your loss. Presley was part of your family. Don't let anyone say he was only a cat.

I have found it useful to 'talk' to people on the forum. No one here will be judgemental and you may find it helpful to rationalise your feelings.

I found choosing my favourite photo and buying a special frame very comforting.

Take each day as it comes and take care of yourself

Valx

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bobbys girl
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Re: Presley

Post by bobbys girl » Wed Feb 11, 2015 9:11 pm

Dear Katie,

I've read your last post 3 times and have been trying to think what to say to you. I think Val has said it all.
KatieJayne wrote:I know that from being little I have always had a fear of death and more importantly what happens after. Is there anything? Presley's is the first experience I've had of this as no close family members have passed away.
I will add, without getting 'preachy' on the subject, that many of us here believe we will meet our lost little ones again. I (personally) believe that Heaven wouldn't be much cop if we couldn't share it with ALL our loved ones (how ever that will work - I'll just leave that to the man upstairs!).

Work must be hard for you at the moment. But if your colleagues are anything like the folks at our Pets at Home, they will be very understanding and supportive. Someday the good memories will outweigh the sorrow. You are in my thoughts tonight.

Sue x

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Re: Presley

Post by Fran_ki » Thu Feb 12, 2015 5:41 pm

Hi Katie
I'm so so sorry to hear about darling Presley. It's so hard and a very difficult time you're going through.
We lost our wee Kenzie in November , he'd been very ill in August and in hospital over a week then Ill again in November and we had to let him go.
We, like yourself were in pieces. Nothing else in the world matters but the fact our best friend has gone.
My heart was broken into a million pieces. BUT I found this forum and the lovely people on it and do you know ,it helped me so much to know that others know exactly what I was going through and they gave so much support and it really helped coming on here chatting with everyone.
I know everywhere you look you'll see things to remind you of your precious boy and every time you close your eyes you'll think of him.
Remember all the good memories , him sitting patiently while you put on your make up or do your hair.
The welcome you had coming home. I truly believe he's running about at rainbow bridge with Kenzie and lots of other wee cats and looking down at you. We WILL meet them again. Please remember the lovely time he had with you , he couldn't have wanted for a better mummy.
I still think of Kenzie every day and look at his photo, he'll always be with me.
I really missed him so much and eventually just couldn't cope without a furball around so we've now got 2 little kittens, Mac and Brodie .
I like to think of them as Kenzie's wee brothers and I think he'd approve.
Also I put a memorial on the memorial page on here along with his wee photo. Wish I could give you a real hug but thinking about you as is everyone on this page.
Please keep coming on and chatting , I'm sure it'll help.
Lots of love xxxxx fran

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Re: Presley

Post by KatieJayne » Fri Feb 13, 2015 11:06 pm

Hi everyone,

Thanks for the replies I've had again. It has helped me to know that I'm not the only one who has felt this so intensely. Today is the first day were I have felt semi normal. The past week has been horrendous. I really did feel like giving up at one point. I was so exhausted with crying and longing for him, I just felt like i couldn't come through it. I'm not saying that all those feelings have gone away as it hasn't been even 1 week yet (though it honestly feels like its been months, it has been so agonisingly long this week) but I just had this thought cross my mind where I said to myself I either give up, or I get through every day, fight through every day, till it hopefully gets better.

I dont really know much about the stages of grief, but I think I've had every single emotion and stage these past few days and I think I'm still in shock really. I do feel very numb today. I still have to question whether he's gone and I still wake up every morning and have it hit me like a ton of bricks. I think the mornings are the worst.

I went through lots of old pictures with my mum yesterday that she found on files on her laptop. We'd forgotten that we actually had them and when she opened them all up we found we had loads! I've been feeling so guilty thinking I hadn't many pictures on my phone or laptop and i was so pleased when we found as many as we did. From being a tiny kitten to an old man. I also think it helped because I'd forgotten how gorgeous he actually was. How big and chunky he was and what a massive ruff he had. Such a beautiful coat on him. Unfortunately, because he had been ill for such a long time I can only remember him looking thinner and thinner and his coat not as nice, and towards the end looking really bedraggled so in my heart I know that the right thing was done as he wasn't his beautiful self towards the end.

Its took a lot to find the positive in things, and I don't know whether anyone else has found this, but i do feel like I shouldn't be able to smile and stay positive and be happy because I've lost something to significant to who I am. I still feel very anxious and lost because I'm not looking after him 24/7 and I'm almost walking about the house wondering what I can do. I can only compare it to looking after an elderly family member, being a carer, and then when they die, feeling completely at a loss. I'm even finding that I'm still rushing back from work or being out and then realising that I've actually nothing to rush back to...but i still hurry home anyway.

I have had a lot of support from family, friends and workplace colleagues and of course, all you lovely people on here. I thank every single one of you who have reached out because I know its helped. Having an outlet for my feelings and being listened to. I don't really know how the next few days, weeks and months will go. I'm especially anxious about Sunday when it will be a week since he passed. My heart is heavy. But I know that I loved him with every inch of my being and he loved me back with every fiber of his.

Katie

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bobbys girl
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Re: Presley

Post by bobbys girl » Fri Feb 13, 2015 11:48 pm

Dear Katie,

I'll be thinking about you over the weekend, especially Sunday. I hope it is not too hard for you. It will be strange, the first week, the first month... But it will get better.

It's nice that you found the photos to remind you of him in his prime. Take care of yourself and keep in touch with us.

God bless

Sue x

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Re: Presley

Post by Crewella » Sat Feb 14, 2015 4:26 pm

I've just caught up with this, I'm so sorry for your loss. (((hugs)))

I hope you got through the weekend OK, it's the first few days/weeks that are so hard. As others have said, it will get better - you won't forget him, but you will process the grief and start to remember happier times. Part of him will always be with you, in your heart, but it will hurt less.

Rest in peace much loved Presley.

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