How do we cope?

Help & Support for those who have lost a beloved cat
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Hannah1980
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How do we cope?

Post by Hannah1980 »

I joined these forums after I lost my beloved cat Jasper last year. It was sudden and a complete shock (made worse by the fact that a problem at the vet he was taken to meant that I had no definite clarification that he had died for over 2 months and never got his ashes).

I've been catching up on the forums a bit - it makes me so sad to read about people who have sadly lost their cats because I know that pain - and it hurts, a lot. It doesn't matter what age a cat is, a loss is a loss and I never in a million years (as much as I adored my cat) thought that the pain would be so raw. I guess I never really thought about losing him as he was only 4 and healthy.

It took me over 6 months before I could return to my flat and get back to "normal" - and even then I would regularly burst into tears just missing my boy. I never thought I would feel ok again - I live on my own and don't have children so he was pretty much my baby.

What helped so much was these forums - the lovely people here understand so much of the pain and sadness that comes with losing a pet.

What doesn't help is comments from family with statements such as "get over it", "it's just a cat" - and heck you would think family would be supportive huh?

I've typed posts here whilst bawling my eyes out but its always helped to read the lovely and supportive responses I have received.

The loss of a pet can be just as traumatic as the loss of a family member - I lost my mum 4 years ago to cancer and I grieved a lot but the pain was still the same as losing my cat. But that is grief and grieving is hard. You feel that you are never going to get over it or feel happy again and I didn't, not properly until last month (almost a year after my cat died)

You can never replace an animal - every animal has their own characteristics, personalities, little quirks etc and I never thought I would get another cat. I decided instead to do some fostering and had 2 lovely cats bought round to my flat - I didn't get much chance to think about it - their owner had decided she no longer wanted the cats and dumped them at a vets, quite happy in the knowledge that they could have been put to sleep (they are 5 and 10 and both healthy).

When they arrived I got upset, because I missed my cat but also because these 2 gorgeous cats could have easily been euthenized despite being healthy (luckily the vets contacted cats protection).
Over the 6 weeks I've been looking after them they have improved so much and really become more confident. The youngest one reminds me in some ways of my cat and they are both very affectionate. It was odd having cats around again but they have helped me tremendously in dealing with what happened to my cat, and the way I saw it was that I was helping out 2 cats in my cats memory.

I know people cope very differently with grief etc and I'm not saying anyone who has lost a cat should rush out and start fostering. My reason for this post is just to say that it does get better - it might not seem like it but the pain does lessen - it can take time (which is hard) but you start to forget the sadness and remember the good times.

I'm a bit odd and have frequent chats with the 2 cats I am fostering and tell them about my cat - yes I'm a bit bonkers but it helped me cope and I feel more normal now than I have done in over a year.

I was probably more of a dog person before I got my cat - growing up we had lots of animals but my cat with my first pet that was just mine and we were very close. Cats are amazing creatures and what I found fascinating was, during my mums last few days, her cat only left her side to go to the toilet and eat - only did he leave her side about 30 mins after she passed away. My cat always knew when I was feeling low and the ones I am looking after now are very in tune and will come for snuggles if they sense I am not feeling great.

So thank you to you lovely people here on these forums who have helped me and for being so understanding - and to those of you who are recently bereaved - keep typing, keep talking - it does get easier x

PS: Sorry for rather long/waffly and in some part slightly depressing post!
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bobbys girl
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Re: How do we cope?

Post by bobbys girl »

Hi Hannah,

good to hear from you again. That was a lovely post, very encouraging. I'm glad to you are fostering.

All our cats are individuals, not 'just cats', and we can never replace them. But us humans have a great capacity for love and there are a great number of animals out there that need that love. Well done you. :)
BarryK001
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Re: How do we cope?

Post by BarryK001 »

Hi Hannah.

For me at the moment it's the suddenness and shock of knowing that our little friend will no longer be around. One minute there she was her usual lovely self, the next minute our neighbours ring the doorbell with grim news. I guess with time the shock element will subside, but I am left with an overwhelming feeling of complete sadness. I also have a sense of indignation that her life was ended way too soon - which I guess is felt by all cat owners whose cats die young and unexpectedly. We're making a big fuss of her mum, Lexi.

This forum is a godsend. It really does help to be able to just pour out your emotions, knowing that the other forum members will understand.

We all have to try to stay positive and hope that with time it's the good memories that come to the fore.

BK.
CIHALL
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Re: How do we cope?

Post by CIHALL »

Hi Hannah

This site is amazing you’re right. It helped me when we lost Giggsy and gave me the drive to post the odd thing and try to help others through their sadness.

Well done you on fostering and giving two very lucky cats a chance. Helping these cats is brilliant.

We often think about doing the same, but I just can’t at the minute. Just looked at my post from when we had to end Giggsy’s pain, can’t believe we lost our fella 6 months ago. It still feels odd and makes me sad. He was and still is our best friend and we really miss him. We’ve done loads to celebrate his life which does help as has the support of this site.

It’s a really great thing you have done, keep us updated on how they get on.

Take care

Chris
Thierry 1
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Re: How do we cope?

Post by Thierry 1 »

Hi Hannah,
What a very moving and heartfelt post from you. I'm glad the fostering has helped you and its lovely what you say that in helping these two little ones is a way of doing something in Jaspers memory. It sounds like you are doing a great job with them, reading how they have become more confident, this is all because of you. You were kind enough to offer support to me some weeks ago when I had Tush Tush PTS and you are right, the support on here is tremendous and really does help. It is 7 weeks ago today since I lost my little man and the pain is still very raw. I light my candles each night by his grave and also inside by his photos and I still talk to him. I now have the locket that I spoke of in my previous posts and it is such a comfort. It has the little forget me not flower on the front and on the reverse it is engraved 'forget me not', inside it has a photo of him in one side and in the other it has some of his fur and one of his little toes nails ( I was always finding them!!) This might seem a little odd, but it helps me. My neighbours are away at the moment and their cat spends most of her days here in my garden, like you, I'm talking to her. I'm also putting food out for her and sitting outside with her, when I sit by Tush's grave she comes and sits by me so I find this comforting also.
Anyway, I just wanted to say Hi and that I think you are doing an amazing job with the fostering.
Take care, Dawn.
Hannah1980
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Re: How do we cope?

Post by Hannah1980 »

Thanks for the lovely responses - just wanted to pop on quickly and say thanks - got to dash and sort out the cats - have a meeting with cats protection on Tuesday and I may be adopting them!
joforesthill
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Re: How do we cope?

Post by joforesthill »

I lost my darling precious Mary Pudding just 2 weeks ago. She suddenly became ill and it was lymphoma - it happened so quick. The pain is still like a punch when I remember I've lost her, it takes my breath away, and sometimes I still cant believe she has gone. I keep seeing her. I feel like I would sell my soul to see her for real one more time! I have no children or family so she was my baby. I was more dog than cat, growing up, like you. I loved your post and it is so important to be able to come here and know that people here understand. I am adopting again very soon -I feel it is the right thing to do and I have a space. I believe I will miss Mary every day for the rest of my life and am so sad that she was with me for only 5 years...
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Crewella
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Re: How do we cope?

Post by Crewella »

I think it's wonderful that you started fostering, and hope that you find some comfort in doing that. Keep us posted if you do adopt them - there's no shame in being a 'failed fosterer' in such circumstances, there are a few of us on the forum! Best of luck. :)
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HeatherCrazyCat
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Re: How do we cope?

Post by HeatherCrazyCat »

Hi Hannah,

I am so glad to hear that you are now coping much better after losing Jasper. I am also really pleased that you have felt able to start fostering.
I have been fostering for 5-6 years now, and first met my beautiful Angel as a foster (we had 5 lovely years together before she passed away).
I personally believe that if you are able to foster, and the time is right to do it, then it can be the most amazing thing you can do, as you are finding out.
All the best to you, and your lovely foster kitties!
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