such grief and guilt help!!

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Missey
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such grief and guilt help!!

Post by Missey »

Hi, I had to have my Missey put down on Sunday, am totally devastated and I just can't get past the guilt, did I do the right thing, should I have done more, but then on the other hand I know I did the right thing.

We've been together for 18 wonderful years, but over the last few weeks she stopped eating, she had asthma for years, was on an inhaler and was doing well, but the not eating and the severe loss of weight was just awful, I had her bloods tested last week and all organs were functioning well, so why was she vomiting with terrible diarrhoea with even the tiniest bit of food I spoon fed her, the vet said she was just old and time for her to go, he said it would be cruel if she went on not eating enough to sustain her life and would starve to death so I agreed but I have this terrible guilt, should I have insisted on more tests? Why was she vomiting all the time, why could they not have given her something to stop the vomiting?

Got her ashes home today and thought that would give me comfort but it's just making me feel worse, the house is sooo empty without her, am totally heart broken.
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Kay
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Re: such grief and guilt help!!

Post by Kay »

we all understand, Missey - these gnawing feelings of guilt and the constant 'what ifs' are something most of us have been through - some of us several times

your girl was the equivalent of 88 in human years, and that is a very good age, and a testament to your love and care - but it is not an age to undergo loads of tests and to try lots of different treatments - she deserved to be allowed to go with the minimum of pain and suffering, and you gave her that release because you loved her

you have 18 years of love to remember, and those years are much more meaningful that the past short period of her final illness - it won't feel like that now, but in time you will be able to fill the emptiness with happy memories of the time you shared
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Crewella
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Re: such grief and guilt help!!

Post by Crewella »

Kay has said it beautifully, and I agree completely.

When I came on here struggling to make the decision to have one of my elderly cats PTS a board member said "better a day too early than a day too late". That really helped me to come to terms with having to make the decision, and I've never forgotten it. From what you say, you made exactly the right decision for your, obviously much loved, old cat. It's the last loving thing we can do for them - to take the pain away when the future is reduced to down days of feeling ill and in pain.

I really feel for you, it's not easy, but you put your cat first, in spite of how hard it was for you to do that. I really hope you can be as kind to yourself, and I hope you can come to terms with it soon. (((hugs)))
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Mayday21
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Re: such grief and guilt help!!

Post by Mayday21 »

My heart goes out to you. Take what comfort you can knowing that you will be given all the support & understanding from the feline lovers on this site. Do you have family for Xmas? I hope so. I don't but a family friend & I are going camping Xmas day & Boxing Day which I'm grateful for. Thinking of you & take care. We're here for you albeit I'm on the other side of the world. Vivian
Wanda6688
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Re: such grief and guilt help!!

Post by Wanda6688 »

Missey,

You did do the right thing, it is the kindest thing to have done, I know what it feels like as do many others on here. I still miss my boy terribly and I thought that bringing his ashes home would help - to begin with it didn't and I felt dreadful for a few days (crying, crying and then crying some more), you never lose that feeling of loss but please believe me when I say it does get better, albeit slowly but it does get better.

My heart goes out to you, over time you will remember the fun times and also the times when they drive you crazy - I am not quite there yet but will get there slowly, and I have even been in touch with my local cats protection office - maybe too soon but I know my life will be better with one of our furry friends in it.

Take care and post when you need too - we all know what you are going through x
Sandra
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Mayday21
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Re: such grief and guilt help!!

Post by Mayday21 »

Hi Missey Wanda, Kay & Crewella have words which express everything. Hopefully Their words & thoughts will provide you some comfort as they did for me. Thinking of you. Post whatever you're feeling. People here are so non-judgemental only comforting & supporting. Vivian
Missey
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Re: such grief and guilt help!!

Post by Missey »

Thank you guys for your lovely words.

xmas and new year have come and gone and I still have such heartbreak, I often wonder.... if the tests showed that all her internal organs were absolutely fine, then why was she soooo ill, not eating and if she did eat a small amout why did she vomit it all back up....why did I listen to the vet when she said it's her time to go, why did I not insist on more......I know the vet was telling me why but to be honest I didn't hear a word of it, I know these thoughts of guilt will pass but at the moment they are just consuming my every thought.

I have good days and bad days, especially when I come home from work, she's not at the window waiting for me or running to the door to greet me, the house is soooo empty and our 18 year routine has gone...am just lost without her..........
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Mayday21
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Re: such grief and guilt help!!

Post by Mayday21 »

Hello Missey it's such a compassionate choice you made for your 18 year old Missey. And yes I inderstand about missing someone you loved & cared for for so long. I often say to people "Mayday lived with me longer than some kids live at home!" I miss her like nothing on this earth. You loved & still love Missey & she knew that. It's still very early days and naturally you're feeling "raw". I still cry over Mayday. I just read again the posts by Sandra, Crewella & Kay and their posts are compassionate, sincere & supporting.

Today I'm visiting my mum's neighbours at a retirement village - that's going to be hard as they were really good to mum & I'll be seeing her house again but not her albeit I've been to visit them before today. And I read on my sister's public Facebook (we're estranged sad I know but...) that mum's cat, Tim Tam, left to be with my mum in May last year. I lost mum 25 May 14 & Tim Tam May 8 last year: no details on why or how. I think Timmy died of a broken heart - she & mum had a special bond. The reason why Timmy was with my sister, she originally lived with my sister but was being bullied by my sister's Manx so mum & dad took her way back in early 2000. Timmy was 16 or 17 when she left to be with mum.

Posting about Tim Tam makes me think what would happen to our fur babies if we went before them! I'm sure others will post support too. We're here just reach out. Thinking of you ((((hugs)))) Vivian

PS I didn't mean this to be so long!
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PeanutsFriend
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Re: such grief and guilt help!!

Post by PeanutsFriend »

Been through something similar. Doesn't feel right to play God. You did right. You helped your friend go over without caring of your own status. Your friend was suffering. It was right. Guilt and doubt_ don't let them take you over. Remember her. The happy times. Her memory will become sweeter over time.
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Mrs Kane
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Re: such grief and guilt help!!

Post by Mrs Kane »

So sorry for your loss Missy.

I think at times like this there's always a point of "what could I have done differently?" Even if you couldn't have done anything. You did the best you could. And that's all your cat could've asked for. She cried and you responded. Don't keep yourself up at night thinking "what more could I have done?" You did it. You tried and I'm sure she loved the time and care you spent with her.
You did the right thing by Missey. She was in pain and you helped her ease that. She wouldn't hold you against trying to ease her at the very end.
It's a very lonely time to be without her right now, I know how much it hurts, believe me. Just keep remembering her as she was and don't think about the end. She wouldn't want you to remember that. Remember when she was young and silly and mischievous!
Most importantly: Cry about her, talk about her to your family and friends. That way she'll stay with you. Remember her in the best way. All the little silly things, the annoying things, or the down right dumb things she did! Laugh about her, she was part of your life, but don't regret anything.


When tomorrow begins without me, don't think we're far apart.
For every time you think of me you know I'm in your heart.
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