I feel so guilty

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Didi
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I feel so guilty

Post by Didi » Sun Jan 03, 2016 10:57 am

I lost my beloved little boy yesterday after just a week of him being poorly he was diagnosed as diabetic and I just thought we would get him stabilised and he would be OK for a bit longer he was only 10 and such a huge part of my life. Sadly he just refused to eat for a week and being in the hospital to work out his insulin requirements just made him scared and stressed so much it made it worse, we tried to see if we could at least get him some quality of life at home but the experience of one night in the hospital where he had to be sedated so they could test his blood glucose had just terrified him so much that even when he was home he still had that wide eyed scared look and still wouldn't eat then he started going hypoglycemic and that stressed him even more. Milo was always a big old scardy cat and hated me not being with him refusing to eat if I ever had to leave him until I came back and I knew he would just wouldn't cope with the hospital and he would be frightened. On his last night at home he came to me for a cuddle and was twitching and he let me cover him with a blanket and just looked at me as if to say please don't leave me there again it broke my heart. At the vets yesterday he had a seizure and it was clear that the only way to stabilise hi was to admit him and that admitting him would be awful for him so we discussed it and decided the kindest thing was to let him go gently
I feel so guilty, guilty that I signed the form guilty that I let him down by not recognising he was unwell sooner but there were no real signs he had always drunk and weed a lot and wasn't really doing more of either he had lost weight but he was on a diet because he was overweight and it wasn't loads of weight he wasn't eating anymore than before in fact he was eating less because of the diet just moaning more for food. Guilty that I wasn't there for him to do my best when he needed me.
I'm sorry Milo sorry I wasn't able to help you sorry that we didn't get a few more years of cuddles and kisses I'm sorry that I wasn't able to be the mum you deserved
My head tells me I did the right thing I know he would not have coped with the hospital and so did the vet I know that the only chance he had was to be admitted and we couldn't do that because it would have been so cruel to put him through all that fear and probably he wouldn't have eaten whilst he was in there because he was scared so it would have been fruitless and pointless unhappiness we inflicted on him but my head tells me I shouldn't have let him go I should have done more will I ever get over this awful feeling of guilt

Wanda6688
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Re: I feel so guilty

Post by Wanda6688 » Sun Jan 03, 2016 11:37 am

Didi,

So sorry to hear about poor Milo, it is easy for me to say 'don't feel guilty' but I know you will as I did too when I made the final decision for my boy. The 'what if I had done something sooner, why didn't I notice he was poorly', these feelings are completely natural. However, please know that you absolutely did the kindest thing, the final act of love for him. Cats are very good at hiding their pain, it is natural for them as they don't want to show any weakness. In time your guilt will fade and yes it will be hard but it will get better and although it is too soon for you now, you will start to remember all the joy he bought you and yes you were the mum he deserved. You did everything you could for him.

I am sure others will post as there are lots of good people on here but please know that I am thinking of you xx

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Re: I feel so guilty

Post by Crewella » Sun Jan 03, 2016 2:08 pm

I'm so sorry you lost your Milo, but it sounds as though you loved him very much and did your best for him. You made the hardest decision for his sake, not your own, and there is no greater love. Please be as kind to yourself, as Wanda says cats are very good at hiding pain and illness. You did your best, he couldn't have asked any more of you. (((hugs)))

Rest in peace much loved Milo. xx

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Re: I feel so guilty

Post by bobbys girl » Sun Jan 03, 2016 5:21 pm

I am so sorry to hear about Milo. The others are right, it is easy to say, but you shouldn't blame yourself. We all go through that 'what if' stage.

This time last week my boy Tommy was still with us. He asked to be let out and it still crosses my mind ' what if I had not let him out just then, would he still be with us?' Then I remember how weak he had suddenly become and that we may have had to take him to the vets anyway. He HATED the vets.

My boy and your Milo are at peace now. Perhaps they have met up at the Bridge? That would be nice. RIP sweet Milo. ((Hugs)) to you.

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Re: I feel so guilty

Post by hgale » Sun Jan 03, 2016 7:42 pm

I'm really sorry to hear about Milo, I can't add anything else than what has already been said - please please don't blame yourself. As he was obviously so stressed at going to the Vets, he would have just got worse and suffered. You made the kindest decision for him, I've been through it twice, and it never gets easier, but you will remember him with a smile given time.

Take care, there are always people on here who understand. {hugs} from me and Denver.

RIP dear Milo, enjoy Rainbow Bridge with my Kitten and Mischa.

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Didi
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Re: I feel so guilty

Post by Didi » Sun Jan 03, 2016 7:54 pm

Thank you my head tells me it was the right thing to do but my heart hurts so much I feel so bad maybe because had I noticed earlier whilst he was still eating we might have been able to save him for a little bit longer but then my sensible side tells me that no matter when he was diagnosed he still would have reacted the same way to being hospitalised.
He didn't have an easy life his two front legs were broken during the birth and healed with an overlap before anyone noticed so he had very short legs which restricted his movement but he was such a friendly little thing he would sit and chat with me for ages and it's very quiet here now as Bilbo the other cat is not one of life's talkers.
Signing that piece of paper was possibly the most horrific thing I have ever had to do and I don't think I could do it again but know that one day I may have to and it scares me that if that day ever comes I won't be able too

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Re: I feel so guilty

Post by Mayday21 » Sun Jan 03, 2016 8:51 pm

Hello Didi my heart goes out to you. Everyone's support here is exactly what I'd say. The loss you feel is excruciating painful which only emphasises how much you & all of us love our fur babies. They're family. Thinking of you & hugs & as I think Crewella posted to Anna on Blinky's loss she's sure we'll all meet again at that special place The Rainbow Bridge. Vivian

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Didi
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Re: I feel so guilty

Post by Didi » Sun Jan 03, 2016 9:26 pm

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I think I am going to get a picture of him put into a frame for the mantelpiece. This is one from a couple of months ago but I am sure there is a better one on my computer
It may sound odd but my sister came with me to the vets on that last visit and I asked her to take a last picture of him before they injected him and I have been looking at them tonight- she took rather a few- and as much as it hurts me I can see in his eyes in those pictures when I look at ones from just a couple of weeks ago that he was so very poorly and so frightened whilst it's not making me feel less guilty at the moment I do think that eventually they may well help me

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Mayday21
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Re: I feel so guilty

Post by Mayday21 » Sun Jan 03, 2016 10:52 pm

Didi he's very handsome. I too took final photos of my darling girl curled up on the lounge beside me. Be prepared for waves of absolute grief & cry as much as you like - don't repress your feelings. You will be well & truely supported here as you deal with emotions. Take care. Vivian

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bobbys girl
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Re: I feel so guilty

Post by bobbys girl » Mon Jan 04, 2016 9:11 am

The last pic I took of Tom (though I didn't know it) was of him curled up asleep next to Willow. He looked so content. The reason I took it was that Willow is not a cuddly, sharing cat. To see her sharing a seat with another cat was worth a picture. I am glad that I did.

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