Grieving with guilt and I can't take it. Please help.
Posted: Tue Nov 14, 2017 3:28 am
My cat Phoenix died today and it was my fault. It was a horrible a accident. I am in complete shock and really struggling.
My beautiful cat hung himself and died. He would wear a harness and leash in our backyard . We had a cat that was hit by a car 4 years ago and we're just too scared to let them out now. We thought we came up with the perfect solution. For 2 years it was. Until today.
We have (had)2 cats. Bowie and then we got Phoenix after Ziggy passed. It was hard on Bowie and he wanted a friend. They were the best of friends.
Bowie loved Phoenix and was his mom/dad/ best bud rolled into one.
I work from home and let Phoenix out. He loved to be outdoors . Bowie doesn't and was happy to watch Phoenix from the inside. Phoenix loved to sit on the fence to watch squirrels. He loved to catch butterflies. I would check on him throughout the day. Today I came to check in him and instead of finding him on the fence like I have for 2 years. He was hanging. His harness which should have released became a noose somehow. I got him down and did mouth to mouth and tried CPR. Screaming at the sky at the same time. I brought him inside and continued to try and revive him. Bowie was there and was pawing at his friend. Then I raced the vet. It was too late . He is gone.
I have no idea how I can cope with this. My husband is doing a great job of not being angry with me but I don't know how. I know the loss on him is so great. I have twin toddlers that I have to look after and a job to do. I can't think of anything but Phoenix. I grieve for Bowie. I haven't even begun to really mourn because I am still incapable of forgiving myself. I don't think that is possible.
All I can do is replay the loop in my head of finding his body limp and then trying to revive him. All I want to do is scream . Or take some sort of drugs that can make me forget/ not feel. Then I remember I have kids and a husband and can't so I am trapped.
Any advice would be appreciated.
My beautiful cat hung himself and died. He would wear a harness and leash in our backyard . We had a cat that was hit by a car 4 years ago and we're just too scared to let them out now. We thought we came up with the perfect solution. For 2 years it was. Until today.
We have (had)2 cats. Bowie and then we got Phoenix after Ziggy passed. It was hard on Bowie and he wanted a friend. They were the best of friends.
Bowie loved Phoenix and was his mom/dad/ best bud rolled into one.
I work from home and let Phoenix out. He loved to be outdoors . Bowie doesn't and was happy to watch Phoenix from the inside. Phoenix loved to sit on the fence to watch squirrels. He loved to catch butterflies. I would check on him throughout the day. Today I came to check in him and instead of finding him on the fence like I have for 2 years. He was hanging. His harness which should have released became a noose somehow. I got him down and did mouth to mouth and tried CPR. Screaming at the sky at the same time. I brought him inside and continued to try and revive him. Bowie was there and was pawing at his friend. Then I raced the vet. It was too late . He is gone.
I have no idea how I can cope with this. My husband is doing a great job of not being angry with me but I don't know how. I know the loss on him is so great. I have twin toddlers that I have to look after and a job to do. I can't think of anything but Phoenix. I grieve for Bowie. I haven't even begun to really mourn because I am still incapable of forgiving myself. I don't think that is possible.
All I can do is replay the loop in my head of finding his body limp and then trying to revive him. All I want to do is scream . Or take some sort of drugs that can make me forget/ not feel. Then I remember I have kids and a husband and can't so I am trapped.
Any advice would be appreciated.