My heart is broken

Help & Support for those who have lost a beloved cat
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Loulou2008
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My heart is broken

Post by Loulou2008 » Mon Sep 03, 2018 10:06 am

Yesterday I made the heartbreaking decision to have our 12 year old cat Alfie put to sleep. He had a cancerous lump on his chest which we had operated on by our vets last December and then again in May when it returned. It returned again august along with other lumps around his throat so we took the decision not to put him through any more treatment. I thought we would have more time with him but over the last week he started to decline and the decision was made yesterday as he appeared to be choking in the morning and coughed up some blood and I always wanted to ensure he did not suffer.

We had him put to sleep at home but only I was in the room as my husband couldnt face it and my 6 year old son was at his grandparents.

I am broken hearted. I ended up calling into work this morning in floods of tears saying what had happened and that I couldnt face coming in. I feel such an idiot. Work were really good with me but I feel like I should have been able to do my job. It has been a terrible year as I lost two close relatives to cancer earlier this year and have had to deal with a lot of behavioural issues with our son and losing Alfie has been the last straw.

He is being cremated tomorrow and we are having his ashes back home. We do have two other cats but the house feels so empty without him. We rescued him just before christmas 2008 when he was about 2 years old as his owner was moving somewhere that didnt allow cats. He was never any trouble and so placid. He was taken too soon. We wont be getting any more cats as its so traumatic to lose them and I have spent so much money on his treatment.

I just wanted somewhere to let my feelings out as at home at the moment but cannot stop crying about him.

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Ruth B
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Re: My heart is broken

Post by Ruth B » Mon Sep 03, 2018 10:45 am

I am so sorry to hear about what you have been through, but i can say you did the right thing, you did everything you could and in the end made the hardest decision of all to not let him suffer. We accept the hurt ourselves to make sure our animals don't have to.

Never think it was just a cat, in truth you have lost 3 close family members to cancer this year, not two and an cat, and whether it was an animal or a human each death will be a reminder of the ones that happened earlier. In my opinion you were right not to go into work if you weren't up to it, grief hits everyone differently but it does hit hard. As soon as you feel you can go back see if there is someone you can talk to in HR or one of your bosses who will understand, make sure they know what you have been through this year. It isn't an excuse for not doing your job, but it is the reason why you might not be able to concentrate 100% on it all the time. A lot of people will understand and realise that you are giving what you can to the company during a difficult period but they need to know to be able to understand.

At the start of this year I took in my Mum's cat when Mum had to go into a nursing home, and inherited her when Mum died in the spring. Last week we had her put to sleep as she was losing weight and the vet suspected an abdominal tumour, Stroppy was 17 so we decided it wasn't fair to put her through a lot of tests and surgery. I had only had her 8 months and still she has left a gap in my life and I keep thinking of the little things she would have done, it's perfectly natural and we just have to try and turn any memories into happy ones of them.

Try and concentrate on all the days, weeks, months and years of happiness that Alfie brought you, it always hurts at the end, but the few days or weeks of heart break are more than made up for by the good times you had. Alfie had been part of your family longer than even your son has been, of course it will hurt losing him.

As for the future, take it one day at a time, maybe one day you will feel that the good times Alfie gave you outweigh the hurt and at that point when that little furry face arrives and looks up at you with big eyes, you will realise that there is another cat that needs the love you have to give.

Give your two remaining cats a big hug and your son and husband too. Not everyone can face seeing a beloved pet put to sleep and in the end it is better if those people know and aren't there at the end, the cat would only pick it up and it would add stress to an already stressful time.

Any time you want to talk there will be people here willing to listen and able to understand what you are going through.

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fjm
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Re: My heart is broken

Post by fjm » Mon Sep 03, 2018 10:59 am

I am so sorry - no matter how prepared we think we are, there is always that small hope of a miracle, or at least a little more time. You gave him the last and kindest gift, and now need to be kind to yourself while you grieve, As Ruth says, each loss brings back earlier ones, and you have had much sadness to cope with this year. When my youngest sister died I was devastated, but it was the loss of my much loved cat in a road accident a few weeks later that finally wiped me out, and left me unable to cope. I hope your managers and colleagues at work are understanding - sometimes the routine of work can help, once you are over the first shock.

Are your little boy's troubles connected with anxiety and worry over your relatives' illness and death, do you think? If so, he too may need help through this latest bereavement.

Loulou2008
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Re: My heart is broken

Post by Loulou2008 » Mon Sep 03, 2018 11:12 am

Thank you for your kind words.

I think my son has been affected by the deaths in the family as there was a lot of stress in the days before they died (his aunt actully died on his birthday) as knew they did not have much time left and then funerals to get through. There has also been a lot of stress in the days leading to alfies death as we knew his time with us was coming to and end. I think he might feel has been left out at times. He was left out yesterday as I couldnt think of anything else other than Alfie. He is back at school wednesday so going to focus on getting myself together over the next few days for him.

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Lilith
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Re: My heart is broken

Post by Lilith » Mon Sep 03, 2018 11:13 am

Hi Loulou and welcome - though sorry it's under such sad circumstances.

You're NOT an idiot - what you're feeling is normal for any loving person. Your tears will help; they're a precious release. I lost my Emily (avatar cat) a month ago and I can't seem to cry much yet for her; I'm still stunned, but I know I should. I will. Tears need to be shed.

No matter how we realise that that cat's trapped in a body that is failing, it is still terrible to have to let them go, and I know what you mean about the emptiness afterwards; it's as if time's frozen. Grief is a cruel process. As Ruth has said there's a lot of support on this forum - any time you need to talk, there's someone here.

Hugs to you and your family and other cats, and sleep tight little Alfie x

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Mayday21
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Re: My heart is broken

Post by Mayday21 » Mon Sep 03, 2018 8:29 pm

Hi Loulou sympathies to you & your family on the passing of Alfie. Please don’t feel guilty over not been able to face work the next day - you’ve lost a much loved family member. On losing my Mayday (avatar cat) I had one day off but was so stricken with grief ended up at my drs who gave me a med certificate for a week to work through my grief. I’d lost my mum the previous year Mayday was my last anchor in life. This is when I found this forum - nearly 3 yrs ago come Nov/Dec. The support was amazing & I consider some contributors as my “cat friends”. Be kind & gentle with yourself cry when you have too & buggar what other’s think. RIP little Alfie & enjoy “The Bridge”. Btw post whatever & whenever someone will always reply with comforting words. Vivian

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Re: My heart is broken

Post by Bertie 2017 » Thu Sep 06, 2018 2:36 am

Hi so sorry ,too hear ,about your cat ,you made ,the right decision ,I know myself .
That putting a cat too sleep ,is a hard and painful decision ,too make ,and please
Don’t feel ashamed ,,about your feelings ,I have cried so much ,over my loss ,
I feel I cart cry anymore ,cats spend so little time on this earth ,but make our life’s .
That much richer ,they fast become part of the family ,so it’s no surprise ,that
Your feeling ,this way ,but remember your not alone ,in this ,there is lots of
Support and understanding ,out there so don’t keep your feelings too yourself
And understand these feelings ,,as grief and never feel ashamed about it .

I hope you find peace

Bertie 2017
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Re: My heart is broken

Post by Bertie 2017 » Sun Sep 16, 2018 3:22 am

You did the right thing ,letting him go ,pain free and with dignity ,but ,knowing. That
Doesn’t ,stop you feeling ,his loss ,but I what you too know ,you are not grieving alone ,
They is many people ,who are going through ,the same thing ,kind people who understand ,
Your pain ,and will always support you ,take no notice of those who don’t understand ,
Your loss ,they ,obviously haven’t had ,the experience that comes from sharing your
Life ,with a furry friend ,we all know ,our pets life on earth ,is much shorter than ours ,
But ,the unconditional love ,they show us ,makes it all worth the while ,but sadly grief
Is the price we pay for love ,and that’s what we all have in common ,my advice too
Is roll with it ,cry ,laugh ,you will experience lots of different emotions ,during your
Journey on the path of grief ,but it’s all perfectly normal ,but they is lots of support
Online ,and on pet breavment support lines ,,so remember that you are not alone
Your broken heart will heal ,but you will always see the crack left behind ,
Hopefully you will find peace soon

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