Some thoughts on letting go.

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Julie67
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Some thoughts on letting go.

Post by Julie67 » Sun Nov 25, 2018 2:10 pm

Sunday afternoon. My girl is lying beside me, fed and washed. She was so quiet this morning, so I made the decision to finally let her go tomorrow. Yet I am still having doubts. I know she will never get better, only worse, so I have been having a talk with myself.

A lot of people torture themselves for letting their sweetheart go too early, although we all know in our hearts that sooner is better than later. I tell myself that yes, it might be a little early, but at least I'm saving her from certain suffering in the future, and we can never truly know if a cat is already suffering, because they can hide it so well.
I tell myself that to wait until I'm sure she needs to leave, means that I'm waiting for her to show suffering, when she might already be. Every day, I want just one more day with her, but that is just for my benefit, and she doesn't deserve that selfishness. Putting her to rest is so hard, because it is my decision to end her life, and I don't want to take her sweet life, even though I know it's the best thing to do for her.

God knows where I'm going to find the strength to do this, every time I think about it I want to scream, but I hope with all my heart that I can find it from somewhere.

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Re: Some thoughts on letting go.

Post by Lilith » Sun Nov 25, 2018 3:22 pm

You will find strength. Amazing how one does. And if you change your mind about tomorrow - well, that hasn't been writ in stone. You'll know.

With all very best wishes and lots of love and hugs and fusses to you and Onion, Lil x

ps why did you call her Onion? Don't cats pick up some names, eh? I could never name my Mouse anything else lol.

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Re: Some thoughts on letting go.

Post by Julie67 » Sun Nov 25, 2018 3:35 pm

Lilith wrote:You will find strength. Amazing how one does. And if you change your mind about tomorrow - well, that hasn't been writ in stone. You'll know.

With all very best wishes and lots of love and hugs and fusses to you and Onion, Lil x

ps why did you call her Onion? Don't cats pick up some names, eh? I could never name my Mouse anything else lol.
I saw an advert on the telly years ago for cat food, and the cat's name was Onion, I thought it was quite amusing, and different, so I decided that if...no when I got a cat, that's what I'd call it. She has many other names:
Unny - her every day name
Unnyfallunnydoodadpoppet
Chicpea
What Now?!
Kitten
Buddy
Kittlin
Freakshow
Little S**t

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Re: Some thoughts on letting go.

Post by Ruth B » Sun Nov 25, 2018 4:12 pm

I feel so sorry for you, the actual decision making is the worst part. In the end though you say people torture themselves when they let them go too early, i could forgive myself letting one of mine go early far more than i could forgive myself knowing i had kept one alive and suffering for my benefit not theirs. Either way we do our best to chose the right time and we should accept whatever we chose and not blame ourselves or try and second guess what might have been.

Remember Onion has had a wonderful life with you and whether you decide the time has come tomorrow or leave it for a few more days she will always know you loved her and just wanted the best for her.

If I ever came across someone who always called their cat by their given name I think I would be worried about them. Every cat I've known has had multiple names.

Whatever happens tomorrow, our thoughts and wishes will be with you.

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Re: Some thoughts on letting go.

Post by Kay » Sun Nov 25, 2018 4:48 pm

how can anyone know if it's too early? what might Tuesday bring? whereas we know only too sadly when we have left it too late

a good end to our lives is what we all want, for ourselves and our pets - we can give them what we can't always manage for ourselves, and I think we should be grateful we can and not shirk the responsibilty


even though it breaks our hearts

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Re: Some thoughts on letting go.

Post by Jules20 » Sun Nov 25, 2018 5:29 pm

I can't really add to what everybody else has already said but having lost my cat to cancer two weeks ago I do understand the shock and heartbreak that you are going through right now. Even today when my mind is going round in that circle, I said to my husband 'but I should've brought him home (he was at the vets) even if it was just for one more day' and my husband said to me but 1 more day, or 1 more year it would never have been enough and if I'd brought him home I would've still found something else to beat myself up about. It's so hard and I totally get the pressure you feel to get it right and can only echo Ruth's words
Either way we do our best to chose the right time and we should accept whatever we chose and not blame ourselves or try and second guess what might have been.
Much love and hugs to you and Onion xxx

PS
We too had lots of different names for Merlin. Sometimes we'd just pick random names from the TV and for a while Merlin was even known as 'Count Olaf' from Lemony Snicket's A serious of Unfortunate Events!

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Re: Some thoughts on letting go.

Post by Lilith » Sun Nov 25, 2018 8:12 pm

Awww lol. One of my names for Molly is 'you big onion' - and 'Sausage' and 'That Kitten' - oh and some unrepeatable ones as well of course. And as for Mouse, or Mowsey-Wowsey etc ... she's a black tux too.

All the very very best and fusses to Onion x

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Re: Some thoughts on letting go.

Post by Julie67 » Mon Nov 26, 2018 6:53 pm

This darling cat continues to scare me and shock me. I have been tearing myself apart trying to decide if it's the right time to let her go. We've only spent one week and one night apart in 16 years, one holiday, and one night at the vet following some tooth extractions. In 16 years. I know my cat like I know myself. And I am watching her like a hawk for the slightest change that will let me know, and give me the strength to let her go. One small thing. I have been dreading getting up in the mornings, wondering what I might come downstairs to. Listening in the night (I don't sleep much at the moment) for unusual sounds.
Yet every morning I walk into the living room, and up she gets, shouting good morning to me (she's a bit deaf these days), and wondering why I haven't fed her in the five seconds that I've been up. Parking her bum against my legs in the kitchen, with a tail-tremble thrown in for good measure, climbing up the kitchen drawers and reaching out a paw to hurry me along. Buggering off upstairs after breakfast to spend the day snoozing on my bed. Night time, home from work, opening the back gate, and there she is like always, sitting in the bedroom window. By the time I get through the door, she's on her cat tree downstairs, shouting a welcome, and wondering why I haven't fed her in the five seconds I've been back. I believe her quiet episodes have a lot to do with my stress. They pick up on it, don't they? And there is such a strong bond between us. Back in the day, before she became a house cat she'd follow me to the shop around the corner, never quite brave enough to follow me all the way, so there she'd sit, howling away, imploring me to come back to her. She's had people coming out of their houses, wondering if she's injured. One woman came trotting across the road with a saucer of milk for her, thinking she'd been abandoned (My silly girl thought she had, hence the howling). She's curled up beside me now, after food and a good wash and fuss.
I don't know how many days like this we have left, not many I imagine, but my God they feel so good. If anyone is wondering why I hesitate, these are the reasons why. She's still my sweet girl after all of the doubts, and every day like this I will take. Time to let her go? I just don't know. Every day I decide it's time, and every day she surprises me.

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Re: Some thoughts on letting go.

Post by Janey » Mon Nov 26, 2018 7:48 pm

Well only you know your cat, but from what you say, and if she’s still surprising you, it doesn’t sound like the time is now. I think you will know when that time comes. She will pick up on your stress, and you are looking out all the time for signs. I would try and relax for now and just be there for her when she tells you she’s ready. Gentle snuggles for Onion xx

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Re: Some thoughts on letting go.

Post by Lilith » Mon Nov 26, 2018 8:12 pm

Aww bless her, the naughty one - they give us these bad times.

Back in February I was in floods of tears about my Emily - but I got another six months with her - albeit that was due to kidney disease and not cancer - totally different. There were a good few times when I thought, is it now, tomorrow, extra special kisses and cuddles, and then when tomorrow came the little horror was prancing about and bawling for her grub! Darling Emily!

You will know when it's time, and I do hope you and Onion have some precious time yet. I read your post about the video of her on another thread - do wish I'd made sure I'd saved videos of Emmy (I'm hopeless with phones and memory sticks and all that.) I had a lovely one of her rummaging about in an inherited Victorian tallboy ... 'You've heard of the cat's pyjamas ... these are Emily's drawers ...'

Happy days - make the most of them. Our cats, sadly, are lent to us for a short while, but I do believe we'll be reunited one day. x

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Re: Some thoughts on letting go.

Post by Nicky brown » Tue Nov 27, 2018 4:31 pm

Hi
Just read your recent posts. She is a beautiful girl.
What a horrible decision for you. We had to make that decision 5 weeks ago after quite different circumstances with a very young cat. All I have done every day since is question my decision. It definitely wasn't the right decision but it definitely wasn't the wrong decision either. I want him back every day but I want him back as he was before he was hurt just like you want your girl without cancer. I made the decision to prevent unnecessary suffering for him but it came at the price of increased suffering for me. Dark times ahead for you I am afraid - worse than any regurgitated rodent, stinking smell or dodgy dirt - all of these fade into insignificance when it comes to the hardest part of being a cat owner - The loss of your closest of animal friends. Thinking of you at this time of huge change and heartbreak.
Nicky

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Re: Some thoughts on letting go.

Post by Julie67 » Mon May 06, 2019 2:05 pm

It's been a good few months since I last posted and my girl is still with me. Up until these last few days she's been soldiering on. Eating well, sleeping comfortably, using her litter tray regularly. Basically being herself. So much so that I'd begun to doubt her diagnosis.
Things have changed quickly over this weekend. She's still eating, but not so much, and she doesn't seem to be drinking much. No significant poops either. It's been a rollercoaster ride since November, every time she's seemed quiet, and I thought the time had come, she's bounced back and gotten on with being herself. She's not bouncing back now, and the time has come. Many will think it's past time, but I can honestly say her quality of life has been good. I'm not one to lie to myself, and kid myself she's been okay, I truly believe she has been. Up until now. So tomorrow I'm calling the vet. My sweet girl has given her all, now it's time for me to let her go.
I've never loved anything more in my life than this beautiful animal, I always wanted a cat, so I think I loved her before I even met her. I have been so very lucky.

I'm done.

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Re: Some thoughts on letting go.

Post by Lilith » Tue May 07, 2019 6:22 am

Oh, Onion, I remember Onion. Sweet girl.

So very very sorry to hear. Will be thinking about you both today, love and hugs, Lil x

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Re: Some thoughts on letting go.

Post by fjm » Tue May 07, 2019 6:39 am

Thinking of you today, and of Onion. It is the last and kindest gift, but also the hardest to give - (((hugs)))

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Re: Some thoughts on letting go.

Post by Julie67 » Tue May 07, 2019 12:09 pm

My beautiful girl passed away today. She was so gentle and brave. I'm exhausted from crying but I see her things everywhere in the house and it kills me.

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Re: Some thoughts on letting go.

Post by issiandarchie+68 » Tue May 07, 2019 12:52 pm

Oh Honey, my heart breaks for you and your beautiful kitty. I was only thinking about you yesterday, wondering how you and your darling girl were faring. I have no words to ease your dreadful grief but know, like others here, I will be thinking of you and much loved Onion.


Issi
xx

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Re: Some thoughts on letting go.

Post by Julie67 » Tue May 07, 2019 7:48 pm

This last stage has been very strange, not at all like I thought it would be. I imagined I'd be a total wreck, wailing and cursing the stars, but it's not been like that. So far. Early days I suppose. I seem to have periods of calm, where I'm functioning as normal, and I go about this most awful of days, feeling guilty for 'coping', at least for a while. Then I walk into the back room and glance at her litter box, and my heart breaks. Her litter box is my undoing, of all things. I guess it's because it's the last sign of my living girl, the last thing she used.

I was lucky to have the extra time with her after her diagnosis, especially this last week. Time to adjust, time to mourn, time for the essence of her to slowly fade. Old habits, familiar routines, all falling away. I've lost the love of my life piece by piece over these last few months, I've had my grief in installments. And I'm grateful. It almost feels like I had less to lose in the end. But the beautiful, sweet memories that come uninvited, and unprepared for, tell me differently.

I read a lot of posts on this wonderful site before I lost my girl. Now I've finally joined the ranks of the bereaved. It's a club I never wanted to be in.

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Re: Some thoughts on letting go.

Post by Lilith » Tue May 07, 2019 8:50 pm

Yes, you will be in shock at the moment - even when we know it's inevitable, that knowledge doesn't cushion the blow. I feel for you. Take care of yourself, lots of love and hugs, Lil x

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Re: Some thoughts on letting go.

Post by fjm » Wed May 08, 2019 7:06 am

I think a long anticipated bereavement brings contradictory emotions. There is grief, of course, but perhaps also almost a relief that the thing you have dreaded for so long has happened, and the sun still rises and the world continues. And that brings a little guilt - perhaps you should feel more grief - until something happens that brings the loss back to you full force, and the bottom drops out of the world again.

You shared long and happy years with Onion, nursed her through the heart breaking months after her diagnosis, and your love was strong enough to know when it was time to help her slip painlessly away before life became a painful burden. I remember being told after my mother died that my sisters and I had the comfort of knowing we had nothing to reproach ourselves for. At the time it struck me as a strange thing for anyone to say, but I have come to understand its wisdom. Knowing that you have done everything you can to love, comfort and support does not make it easier to say goodbye, but it does help later on.

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Re: Some thoughts on letting go.

Post by Jules20 » Wed May 08, 2019 9:07 am

So sorry my heart goes out to you. xxx

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Re: Some thoughts on letting go.

Post by Julie67 » Wed May 08, 2019 9:32 am

Thank you all for your kind and wise words, they mean a lot to me. It's a comfort to know I'm not alone, and I'm not the only one to feel such terrible loss, even though it's sad to know there are so many who have lost.

This moring was terrible. Coming downstairs and not having a hungry little soul shouting for breakfast. My home is going to be a minefield for a good while.

Oh how I love you, you little sh*t, why did you have to be so amazing?

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Re: Some thoughts on letting go.

Post by Julie67 » Sat May 18, 2019 4:55 pm

Split seconds are painful.

Roasting a nice chicken and for a split second I think my girl will probably like some of this.
Traveling home after work in the sunshine and for a split second I imagine my girl will be sunbathing on the blanket box in front of the bedroom window.
Waking in the morning and for a split second I wonder when my girl will hear me and come trotting up the stairs for a morning greeting.
Hearing a noise in the house and for a split second I wonder what she's up to.
Looking where I'm walking because for a split second I worry about treading on her.
At the end of the evening for a split second I'm looking for her bed to plump up so she'll be comfy for the night.
Going around the supermarket and for a split second I wonder if I need cat food.

I miss her so much.

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Lilith
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Re: Some thoughts on letting go.

Post by Lilith » Sun May 19, 2019 11:21 am

They catch you unawares don't they? In a way they live again on this plane in those split seconds but it's hell when the realisation sinks in.

This is a weepy song by the way - Don Maclean's 'Empty Chairs', so don't click on the link unless you can stand it.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jtrIc8vq7wU

'I never understood
That although you said you'd go,
Until you did
I never thought you would.'

Just been having a cry about my Emily ... hell, I know she's safe, out of disability and discomfort, a free spirit.

But we miss them. All the very best x

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Re: Some thoughts on letting go.

Post by Jules20 » Sun May 19, 2019 4:27 pm

Beautiful song Lilith...made me all weepy.

Yes even this evening when I was running a bath, I had a split second of thinking that I forgot to close the bathroom door as my boy had a habit of trying to clamber up the side of the bath...and it's been 6 months without him. It really does take time for our brains to process it all.

Thinking of you Julie67 and sending hugs.
Julia xxx

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Re: Some thoughts on letting go.

Post by Julie67 » Tue May 28, 2019 10:49 pm

I got a lovely card from the vet this morning. It had a little packet of Forget-Me-Not seeds in it that I'll plant and sit next to her favourite spot on the window sill. I shed lonely tears for my beautiful girl today.

Image

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Re: Some thoughts on letting go.

Post by fjm » Wed May 29, 2019 6:29 am

What a kind and understanding act by the vets. I think your photo shows just why we grieve for them so much - that easy, comfortable companionship that we will miss forever. Such a beautiful cat - how old was she then?

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Re: Some thoughts on letting go.

Post by Lilith » Wed May 29, 2019 11:47 am

Aww she is beautiful ...

My vets send a card, but I'm a coward and never open it ...

The forgetmenots are a great idea - if you sow them now they'll overwinter outside and you can pot them up to flower indoors next spring or just let them go mad ... they'll seed themselves everywhere in the garden too; you'll always have a remembrance of her.

Love and hugs x

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Re: Some thoughts on letting go.

Post by Julie67 » Wed May 29, 2019 5:24 pm

fjm wrote:
Wed May 29, 2019 6:29 am
What a kind and understanding act by the vets. I think your photo shows just why we grieve for them so much - that easy, comfortable companionship that we will miss forever. Such a beautiful cat - how old was she then?
She was 13 then.

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