Page 1 of 1

Maybe it’s time ,

Posted: Mon Feb 04, 2019 8:29 pm
by Bertie 2017
Hi everyone ,for all those who knows Bertie’s story ,understands how much he ment too me
But ,Bertie had a favourite spot on top of my wardrobe ,he even had a bed up there ,
He loved it ,anyway back to my problem ,you see Bertie’s brother and litter mate ,Basil
Has started use his brothers favourite spot ,shortly after Bertie went ,I spotted basil
Up there ,and found it too painful ,so I gently lifted him down ,but now ,I can’t help
Thinking ,should I let basil have ,the spot on the wardrobe ? . I feel letting him have it
Is like losing a big piece of Bertie , but then I keep telling myself ,I am being silly .
Because it’s just a bed ,and who knows ,maybe Bertie would what ,his brother too have it ,?
And get as much ,enjoyment and pleasure out of it ,as he did , it’s a hard one because ,
Seeing basil up there ,is like a end of a era , but one thing grief has taught me ,is life
Gos on , and time changes a lot of things ,I have a photo of Bertie up there ,and on
One of the wardrobe doors ,is a plague with Bertie’s name on ,

So maybe it’s time ,

Re: Maybe it’s time ,

Posted: Tue Feb 05, 2019 12:05 pm
by Lilith
Yes, when my Emily died in August, her fellow ginger Molly seemed to spread into her usual sleeping place on the bed (although she's never occupied Emmy's special cuddling place, tucked in by my right side; Moll always settles down by my left, trampling on all the litter of books, pillows, tissue box and what-have-you.) I've joked before that Emily has 'willed' her bed-space to Molly and indeed when a cat leaves, the others do fill its place.

Once I had a fierce little black cat, Sulah, who was run over. For months afterwards her daughter Katie (I was very ignorant in those days; I let Sulah have kittens) would trot into the dining room, pause, and jump over an invisible somebody sitting on the hearthrug. Sulah was still occupying her space :)

I think Bertie has willed his space to Basil :)

Re: Maybe it’s time ,

Posted: Wed Feb 06, 2019 8:04 am
by Bertie 2017
Hi thanks for your message ,yes I believe Bertie has ,left. His favourite spot ,too Basil ,
I am starting to ,accept and get used too ,of course ,I did cry at first ,but the way I see it
Now ,is that it’s not a cold and empty space ,anymore ,I d like too believe ,Bertie is up
There ,with him, cuddling up .with basil ,just like they did as kittens ,and who knows .
Maybe basil , gets a lot of comfort ,from ,it Sort of feeling closer to his brother ,
And who knows ,maybe basil does miss him , and like humans ,gets joy and comfort
From it , and why shouldn’t he ? .animals have and feel the same emotions as us
Humans ,sorry too hear about your loss

Re: Maybe it’s time ,

Posted: Wed Feb 06, 2019 9:47 am
by Jules20
There are a couple of cats that come into my garden, I always used to shoo them away when Merlin was here as I didn't want them getting into a fight. There is a black and white one that I hadn't seen since before I lost Merlin but the other day I'm looking out my kitchen window and see him walking up my garden path towards my decking. I have a table on the decking with 3 garden chairs, 1 was Merlin's chair complete with cushion for him lol. As I look to see where this cat has gone, I see he has found Merlin's chair and has made himself very comfortable on it. I was very sad as I knew my Merlin would never sit on that chair again and the tears came.

I was in such a state that I called my husband and said I didn't know whether to shoo him off like I used to or let him stay there or should I get rid of the chair so no other cat can sit on it. My husband said that whether I shoo him off or not Merlin won't sit on that chair again so why not let another cat enjoy it and so I left him there and that cat enjoyed that chair all afternoon!

You are right Bertie about having to accept and get used to. I realised that day that it was another change I will have to adjust to and if another cat is sitting on that chair it means I have to accept that my Merlin is not coming back. It is tough!

That cat came back a couple of days later and curled up on that chair again and I have no doubt that as the weather gets warmer he will be back. These cats do have a habit of finding the good spots lol!

Much love Julia x

Re: Maybe it’s time ,

Posted: Sat Feb 09, 2019 4:14 am
by Bertie 2017
Hi jules ,yes cats are masters ,at finding the best spots ,lol as for Bertie’s favourite spot ,
I have too accept ,that things change ,and life goes on ,and what is important ,that my
Living cat basil ,is happy and contented ,I have learned that keeping Bertie’s bed empty
Isn’t going too bring him back ,and seeing basil up there, brings me a sense of joy ,and
The pain of not seeing Bertie there ,has eased since basil moved in ,lol yes I understand
From your point of view,,about the chair ,in the garden ,not seeing merlin there is hard ,
You could try ,putting a second cover over it ,like I did with Bertie’s bed ,I used a old
Dressing gown , too cover and protect ,the bed underneath ,I am sure you will understand
Why I did it ? ,it’s keeping ,Bertie’s memories alive ,and preserve , the bed ,and since
Then ,I have decided too let basil ,have it ,(not that he has left me any choice lol )
I recall ,in the months following Bertie’s ,passing .basil was trying to get up there,
But as I have said ,in my post ,I kept lifting him down ,because it was far too much and
Painful , as for Bertie’s blessing ,basil will have too see ,him about it ,when he will
Cross the rainbow bridge ,and lord him help him ,if Bertie isn’t happy about it ,lol
Bertie was the boss cat , and he could make basils life hell ,if he whated too xx

Re: Maybe it’s time ,

Posted: Sun Feb 10, 2019 10:13 pm
by Jules20
Aww Bertie I'm glad Basil is enjoying the spot now, I'm sure Bertie has given his blessing lol. My Merlin was very territorial and would've chased another cat out of his chair but I believe it's different when they cross over and they wouldn't mind at all now. It's just us that feels like we have to protect their spaces and as you say preserve their memories as that is what we have left of them. x

Re: Maybe it’s time ,

Posted: Thu Feb 14, 2019 7:56 pm
by Bertie 2017
Hi jules, good too hear from you again ,yes basil loves his new bed ,spends a lot of time
Up there ,only comes down ,at feeding time ,typical cat lol ,in fact , I haven’t spotted him
By the radiator ,for a while he’s usually glued to the thing lol ,I find seeing basil up there
In a kind of healing way ,one thing I have learned is ,life goes on ,and time changes things.
And plus seeing the bed ,occupied ,gives me a warm glow in my heart ,Bertie got a lot
Of joy and pleasure from it ,so now it’s basils turn ,I have started noticing that basil
Is going up too Bertie’s casket ,his ashes and in it ,Basil will sniff and paw it ,I am sure
Basil remembers ,his brother ,,I recall the day I brought Bertie’s ashes home ,put them
On the bookcase ,Basil wouldn’t enter the room ,for a while ,as you know it’s Valentine’s Day
So I went on Moonpig ,and made a photo card ,of my boys ,Bertie is still a big part of
Every day life ,here and always will be ,his death doesn’t ,change anything ,he’s gone
But his sprit and memories live on ,and he will always be there in my heart ,
Forever ,

Take care XX

Re: Maybe it’s time ,

Posted: Fri Feb 15, 2019 10:43 am
by Jules20
Good to hear from you too Bertie. Aww the Valentines card is such a nice idea.
Yes the memories do live on and Merlin will always be in my heart too. It is still early days for me (3 months) and it is a constant struggle to try and live without him but you give me hope Bertie that one day I will be able to look back on the good memories with a smile rather than so many tears.

Julia x

Re: Maybe it’s time ,

Posted: Mon Feb 18, 2019 12:45 am
by Bertie 2017
Hi jules ,good too hear from you ,yes it is early days ,it’s been well over a year ,since
I last held ,Bertie ,I’d be laying if ,I said ,I didn’t get my bad days ,still but that’s all
There are ,of course the longing to hold them and see them ,never ever gos away ,it just
Gets ,less painful ,and not having them around ,becomes part of everyday life ,of course
You ,never ever forget them ,I am making sure ,that doesn’t happen ,Bertie is just as much
Loved and cherished ,now then he was alive ,and is very much part of the family ,still
That will never change ,he is included ,in every anniversary ,I still along with basil ,
Celebrate his birthday ,he will be nine this year ,on a birthday you celebrate someone’s
Birth ,not they death ,my family always sees it this way ,we take cards too ,loved ones
Grave , so why should it be different ,with our pets ? .i am doing everything I can ,too
Keep Bertie and his memories alive ,your cats are never truly gone ,they live on ,in
Our memories ,and visit us ,in our dreams ,yes I truly believe ,they do ,I often dream
Of Bertie ,playing in the garden ,chasing the leaves ,alongside basil his brother ,while
I sit watching ,just like old times ,I always awake with a smile ,not tears. Like I used to
Hugs and kisses to you. Xx

Re: Maybe it’s time ,

Posted: Wed Feb 20, 2019 6:02 pm
by Jules20
We will always remember them Bertie and yes there will still be bad days, I don't think grief ever goes away completely.

So glad there are some good days for you now though.

Hugs and kisses to you and Basil xxx

I cart forgive my family’s lack of support

Posted: Fri Feb 22, 2019 12:02 am
by Bertie 2017
Hi ,guys ,it’s been over ,a year now ,since I lost my darling Bertie ,it’s been the toughest
Loss yet ,I have been through hell ,on earth ,losing Bertie ,has almost destroyed me ,so
I am hurt that my family doesn’t care or understand ,Christmas 2017 was a hard one .
Because Bertie ,hadn’t been ,gone long,I wasn’t feeling up too visiting family but I went
Along anyway ,big mistake I broke down in front of everyone ,and all my brother could say
Was I had spoiled Christmas for everyone , Bertie had bladder neves damage and for
Six weeks ,we fought too save him ,I was posting on Facebook every day ,telling my family
How he was doing ,no one replied ,too show me love and support ,I needed so much ,after Bertie ,was PTS ,all my family could say was ,never mind get another cat ,and stupid things
Like ,just think of the money you will save ,on cat food ,etc too them Bertie was just a cat ,
Nothing important ,too me he was my whole world ,I feel so hurt inside ,if Bertie had been
Human ,I would have got ,tons of love and support ,and understanding ,but no I have too
Travel this journey of grief alone ,well I am thankful for ,support from charity’s and
People on websites ,just like this one ,and I will get there someday ,but I cannot ever
Forgive or forget my heartless family ,the hurt is too much , I needed them

Re: Maybe it’s time ,

Posted: Wed Feb 27, 2019 3:53 pm
by Lilith
Yup, that's families, I'm afraid, despite the sickly media myths. If anyone out there has a loving supportive family, you are very very lucky, but many families just aren't like that, group dynamics being what they are.

Even with human bereavements - I once knew someone whose child of 10 was killed in a hit and run accident; a few months on, still half-mad with grief and misery, she was receiving little lectures about 'pulling herself together.'

Unless people have experienced bereavement and pain, they don't know what it's like, and given today's popular culture of 'quick 'n' easy 'n' happy' they don't want to know; they'd rather be in denial.

I know it's easier said than done, but try to avoid the denial merchants and just talk to people who do realise what you're going through.

Lots of love and hugs to you and Basil and to the spirit of Bertie x

Re: Maybe it’s time

Posted: Wed Feb 27, 2019 10:43 pm
by Bertie 2017
Hi thanks for your support and kind words ,it’s times like this ,you know who too turn too ,
It’s sad to hear ,about that poor child ,it just goes to show ,how cruel life can be ,and my
Heart goes out ,too the parents and family ,of this child , of course I class Bertie as my
Child ,because I have health issues ,that means ,I can never ever have children ,it’s
Not unusual for a pet any pet ,too been loved ,like a child , losing Bertie has been one of the toughest. Things ,I have had too face ,I am no stranger too cat loss ,but this grief has been
Deeper and more painful , and usually by now ,I have moved on ,and got another cat ,
But I have had my heart torn too pieces ,and this grief has almost destroyed me ,I can never ever put myself ,through this again ,the price is too much to pay ,maybe in years too come,
I will do my part for cats ,by working for cats protection ,in their charity shops ,and I am
A cat ,sponsor for a cat called butterfly ,this way ,I am helping cats ,without the emotional
Attachment, I got my first cat aged 4 , years I am now 45 ,cats are a part of me ,but
I feel ,I cannot take on another ,of course a cat in need ,may cross my path ,some day
Then I will know fate had ,a hand in it ,till then ,I am trying too get on with my life
Thanks again xx

Re: Maybe it’s time ,

Posted: Thu Feb 28, 2019 11:55 am
by Lilith
Yes, some griefs can be different - I've always grieved for a cat who's left me but 12 years ago one of mine died suddenly in a rta ... I think it was the fact of her youth and the suddenness ... I went out of my mind for a while. But even losing a cat who you know is dying is heartbreaking, as you'll know.

I can see why you can't face taking another cat just yet, but congrats about Butterfly - that's a marvellous solution; it's like a memorial to Bertie and a very practical one. Please give her a fuss from me when you next see her x

Re: Maybe it’s time ,

Posted: Fri Mar 01, 2019 10:51 am
by Jules20
Yep, I agree with everything Lilith says! People are very uncomfortable around grief in general. I think most people are just on the edge of their own unhappiness and woe betide anyone that may express their emotions and bring them down with them.

My mother-in-law told me 'well he was an old cat' and then said 'I should be happy on the outside even if I don't feel it on the inside'. My husband's family definitely missed their turn when empathy was being given out! I am just grateful that my husband didn't inherit those traits and is very supportive.

I work part-time and have learnt that there are some people that understand and some that don't so I don't bother with those people anymore. I know it is difficult with family though as we expect more from them and it's a big disappointment when they're not supportive.

You are not alone Bertie, this is one of the toughest things that I have had to face as well. Merlin was a big part of my life and I know it will take a long time to adjust. I too have been donating as I'm certainly not ready for another cat.

Hugs to you and Basil x

Re: Maybe it’s time ,

Posted: Wed Mar 13, 2019 12:25 am
by Bertie 2017
Thanks everyone for your support ,it means a lot ,yes grief is usually something most of us ,
Are uncomfortable about ,when it comes to someone else ,but this is family we are talking about ,I recall after my mum died ,every one ,was so helpful and kind too me ,we support
Each other ,but I feel when you lose a beloved pet any pet ,you are on your own ,too battle your grief all by yourself ,sometimes you need a army ,too win the battle ,of course I have often said ,this grief is different ,deeper more painful ,than others I have experienced
Before ,but grief is different , I lost my darling Bertie ,aged 7 years old ,I feel cheated
And angry by it ,often I hear it was his time ,that brings me little comfort ,he was my whole world my everything ,and now I am left picking up the pieces ,and making the best of it .
Without my family ,who should know me ,better than anyone else ,but in truth just don’t care,it’s times like this ,you know who your true friends are ,sadly it’s often strangers ,
Who are there ,too help you and support you ,

Cheers everyone x

Re: Maybe it’s time ,

Posted: Wed Mar 13, 2019 1:52 pm
by Lilith
I was once told a story of a woman, friend of a friend, who lost her cat (I believe she was a rescue worker and had owned plenty of cats) and who couldn't get over the loss. In the previous years both her parents, with whom she'd had a good relationship it seemed, had died, and she'd grieved, but coped, but the cat's death had left her a wreck. She rationalised this by saying that of course she'd kept contact with her parents, but the cat had lived in her house, with her, had been there all day, every day, and had left a huge gap.

Also it's said that the death of a child is the most insupportable grief ... well, cats may not be human but aren't our cats our children to us? And often, at the end, we have to make the decision to end their lives, the last loving thing we can do for them, but dreadful at the time and often unbearable in retrospect.

Trouble is, unless someone's been through it, they don't know how it feels ...

Hugs to everyone still going through this x

Re: Maybe it’s time ,

Posted: Thu Mar 14, 2019 10:54 am
by Jules20
Lilith, you always sum everything up perfectly!

I was explaining to someone the other day that I never really looked forward to visiting my dad, I still did because I loved him and we were very close but towards the end he was miserable and depressed and it was hard sometimes. Compare that with Merlin where I would literally bounce out of the doors on the days I work and I could not wait to get home to him. I only work two days a week and on a Tuesday evening I would tell Merlin 'don't worry I will be here with you the rest of the week' and I was literally jumping for joy to spend time with him. This and other things already mentioned definitely makes pet loss a very painful experience and even more so than some human losses.

I totally understand your anger Bertie. It is very hard when you are going through something as painful as this and there is no support as it just adds pain on top of pain. I have had it myself, people have said some really stupid things to me especially at work and even if they don't say anything I can see them looking at me like 'is she really still upset about that cat'. Grief gives you a real insight into who people really are and believe me when I say there's a few people whose cards are marked with me now...oh yes Bertie I totally understand your anger!

Much love Julia x

Re: Maybe it’s time ,

Posted: Tue Mar 26, 2019 3:11 pm
by Bertie 2017
Thanks for your support and kind words ,i d like too say ,things are improving ,but sometimes
I feel ,I am slipping back down ,you see with grief you get thoughts that go around in your mind,,that just won’t go away ,like did the vet ,give the right treatment ? ,silly I know ,
But too be fair ,I didn’t make the washing machine accident ,link too after I was told ,
Bertie had bladder neve damage ,too me ,that made sense ,because upto that day everything,was perfectly normal ,I never dreamed ,something like that could be deadly ,
Closing a door on a cats tail ,sadly it’s all too common ,sadly I have to live with it ,even though ,I don’t blame myself anymore ,and after replacing the washing machine ,it’s
Still the place ,where it happened ,it doesn’t seem to get easier ,I have always been told ,
The first year is the worst ,not for me ,it feels worse ,now than ever ,every day is a
Battle ,I have decided to seek professional support and help ,hopefully the doctors ,
Will take it more seriously this time ,they don’t understand ,pet grief is just the same .
As human grieving ,but I feel ,my loss for Bertie ,is worse ,than losing a family member ,
Because Bertie loved me ,for me and never ever hurt me ,except for ,the fact he had
Too die ,which wasn’t his flaunt ,he was my sunshine my whole world xx

Re: Maybe it’s time ,

Posted: Thu Mar 28, 2019 10:26 am
by Mollycat
We love all our cats but sometimes there is one who for whatever reason takes a piece of our heart when they go. One of mine, the only one I had from 6 weeks old till she was 16, who ended her life in my arms at home 15 years ago, is till sorely missed 5 cats later. At the time, it sent me into full-blown depression for months and it hit me all over again a year later, I was barely functioning, waking up in the mornings wondering why I'd bothered waking up at all. A part of me died that day.

3 years later a beautiful tomcat walked into our house and decided to move in. We managed to track down his owners but they said he wasn't happy with them and gave him their blessing to move in with us ... he would have been born just about the time my girl had to leave us. 2 years ago he left us too, and it brought back all my grief all over again on top of losing him.

Nobody can tell you how to grieve or when. If other people can't bear to witness your pain, it's their problem, not yours. If they can't understand your gut-wrenching sadness, the penetrating silence ringing in your ears, the emptiness of your home that is the absence of your furry companion, the knife in your heart - even if you have to grieve alone, when you close your front door, be sure you are mentally closing them out. Your home is a haven where you are free to break down, even if you have to put on a front for the outside world. Everybody needs a place where they can fall apart safely.

Hope you will have the right support to help you. I trained as a counsellor and grief was my area of interest. Don't let them bamboozle you into techniques for coping when you need to talk things through.

Re: Maybe it’s time ,

Posted: Fri Mar 29, 2019 3:25 pm
by Lilith
Aww, good luck, Bertie, Mollycat puts it much better than I can, yes, if something feels wrong, don't put up with it, whether it's meds or a relationship with a professional. Different things work differently for different people. But I hope you get some positive support.

You can also find subsidised counselling at many branches of Mind and this can be very good indeed and longer-term than some NHS counselling - again good luck x

Re: Maybe it’s time ,

Posted: Mon Apr 01, 2019 10:18 pm
by Bertie 2017
Thanks for your kind words and support ,I have decided too accept help ,not just for myself ,
But Bertie’s ,litter mate and brother basil ,I have discovered that basil is affected by my many mood swings , and depression ,I’d even say ,basil was off his food yesterday ,so unlike
Him ,I tricked the doctor into ,referring me ,too a breavment couciler ,I had to lie because
It was the only way to get help ,sadly doctors don’t understand ,about pet breavment ,and
How it affects you ,it’s the same as human breavment ,well I did tell him ,about losing
My uncle and my mum ,too cancer ,five years ago ,losing Bertie ,was kicking me when I was
Down ,he was my whole world my everything ,he gave me a precious gift ,unconditional love
.he loved me worts and all ,and was amazing ,after my mum died ,he’d lay by My side ,
And only leave ,when I stopped crying ,he was my rock .

Re: Maybe it’s time ,

Posted: Tue Apr 02, 2019 12:21 pm
by Jules20
Hi Bertie

I'm glad you have decided to get some help. I think that grief takes a long time to heal from but it can help to have someone to help us work through it. I have just had some counselling myself through work as my work pay for it. As Mollycat said she just gave me coping techniques when really I just needed to talk and release some of the pain and work through it so it wasn't very helpful at all. There are some good counsellors out there though and I hope you find one as it can make a difference. I think this a really difficult journey for a lot of us and I do understand the pain that you feel.

Much love to you. Take care of Basil and give him a fuss for me. Julia x

Re: Maybe it’s time ,

Posted: Mon Apr 08, 2019 6:38 am
by Bertie 2017
Thanks Julia ,I am on a waiting list ,I decided to seek help, because my mood swings ,have
Started too effect basil ,I noticed the other day ,he wasn’t himself ,he even stopped eating ,
So unlike him ,like his brother ,Basil loves his food ,it’s not fair on him ,I understand perfectly well ,cats read and understand our emotions and feelings ,I have been too hell and back and life ,has been a continued circle of pain and despair ,so I have decided ,too fight
A little harder ,for basils sake ,and myself also ,someone once told me ,only I can ,get myself
Out of this ,and the sad truth is ,Bertie is never ever coming back , and life goes on ,of course I will never ever forget or stop loving my Bertie ,but living this way isn’t healthy ,
I need too heal ,