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I am starting to feel depressed again

Posted: Tue Nov 05, 2019 10:48 pm
by Bertie 2017
Hi all ,I have been posting on this website for a while now ,so I am sure your all familiar
With my Bertie’s story ,. ? On November the 25 th will be Bertie’s 2nd anniversary ,it’s
Been my toughest loss too date ,Bertie was only 7 years old ,and was my whole world ,
It’s been a rollercoaster of emotions and feelings ,but finally ( or so I thought ) the light
Was at the end of the tunnel ,you see after much begging ,my doctor ,referred me ,
Too a breavment councillor ,who seemed very keen to help me at first ,my sessions with
Her were starting to get me back on my feet ,but now she has stopped them early ,
Yes I was making progress ,baby steps ,but still felt ,I needed more sessions with her ,
Especially since it’s coming up to Bertie’s anniversary ,it’s hard fighting on after losing
A beloved cat ,but leading up ,too the day ,they died is the hardest thing ,you need
All the support you can get ,too help you through it , I told her ,how I felt ,but sadly
I was wasting my time ,so back to today ,I bust into tears earlier ,I miss Bertie so much ,
Why did he have to go ? ,it’s so hard getting through the day without him ,

Re: I am starting to feel depressed again

Posted: Thu Nov 07, 2019 9:32 am
by Cat-FAQ

I am so sorry for your loss, and it's completely understandable why you're struggling a bit, especially at this time of year. I've popped a link below to bereavement support services which may help you. ... nt-support

Re: I am starting to feel depressed again

Posted: Fri Nov 15, 2019 12:38 am
by Bertie 2017
Thank you so much x

Re: I am starting to feel depressed again

Posted: Fri Nov 15, 2019 7:50 pm
by exlibris
There is no definitive end point to grief, nor how deeply it is felt. Don’t feel that you are wrong to still be effected by this.

When our Twitch died I was heartbroken, but Backy comforted me. I was calmed and able to meet her again in dreams. When we lost Backy this year I was heartbroken again, but had no-one to comfort me – I had plenty of human support, but really not quite the same. I was being driven absolutely mad keep seeing him out of the corner of my eye. It was heart-wrenching, full of agony.

So we adopted 2 kittens, Winston & Whisper. So, if I saw something out of the corner of my eye, it was W&W, if I heard a weird noise in the night, it was W&W. It settled me, even though they were extremely standoffish and didn’t want to be stroked (now rectified)! Having a feline presence made things slightly normal again. The only problem was that I felt, and sometimes still do, like I’d ‘cheated’ on Twitch & Backy. I still weep when I get asked about them, and it’s very slow in connecting to W&W because of this. BUT W&W needed a home, and we’re getting to know them now.

It sounds like you feel that you’re not ready for a new cat, and would certainly feel like you were ‘cheating’ on Bertie. Have you thought about trying to foster? You’d have a feline presence which would feel a bit more normal. You may even find it comforting, but wouldn’t be committed to a cat that you’re not ready to bond with. Plus you’re helping, not ‘cheating’. I have never fostered, so I hope some more experienced cat chatters will jump in and say if this is a terrible idea.

It might also be good if you spoke to the Samaritans – they are NOT religious or for suicidal people I hasten to add, a common misconception. They will just listen, and they don’t judge. You can tell them anything and they are completely neutral. I have emailed them a few times for things ranging from stress to actual disasters. Call 116 123 or email [email protected]

My thoughts are with you – it’s hard when we lose a friend, no matter how long ago.

Re: I am starting to feel depressed again

Posted: Sat Nov 16, 2019 8:31 am
by Mollycat
Bertie - it feels a little odd calling you Bertie - I am a qualified bereavement counsellor and I was like you when I lost my Misha. A piece of me went with her that night, and those are the words of my partner at the time, not mine. It was three years before I was able to start to love again, and Henry was the angel who walked into my life at just the right moment, shy but determined, demanding that I and nobody else heal myself by loving him and teaching him to trust me. He was like the Fox from The Little Prince, he asked me to tame him.

Depression, and I quote Elisabeth Kubler-Ross (author of the 5 stages model of grieving) is natural, "the common cold of mental illnesses" after a great loss. It will come and go, but that is the nature of grief. I really recommend her book On Grief And Grieving, co-authored by David Kessler. It was published after her death and is her final and most beautful gift to every bereaved soul in pain. It is gentle and kind, easy to read but reflects back at you all those emotions you struggle to feel think and put into words. She doesn't talk at you, she hugs you. She talks about the specially hard circumstances of losing a child, all the what-ifs, grieving for the time we were robbed of by death.

In my very limited practice experience we have to get stuck in grieving before we can benefit from help. I think you mentioned you had some counselling? Maybe you had the wrong counsellor for you. If you don't feel able to open up and tell a counsellor things you've never even told yourself, this is the wrong counsellor for you. Don't feel embarrassed to say so, this is for you and needs to be right for you.

As anniversaries come up we have a deep instinctual sense of them. This isn't a conscious thing, it shows just how deep the scars run. It's our brain trying to learn froma trauma and avoid it in the future. Every detail of what happened replays in our heads, including the time of year, in a desperate attempt tofind what we could do differently next time. With bereavement obviously there is nothing we can change, but this is our minds trying so hard to heal and move on. Talking is just replaying it all over again but to someoneelse, someone who might be able to offer something that will help our mind to sort out this experience and begin to heal.

So keep talking Bertie, it's all part of the healing process.

Re: I am starting to feel depressed again

Posted: Thu Nov 21, 2019 10:36 pm
by Bertie 2017
Thank you all so much ,for your kind words and support ,I am blessed to have Bertie’s
Litter mate ,Basil ,too help me pick up the pieces ,but I feel in my heart ,I cannot ever
Love another cat again ( except basil of course ) I am a crazy cat lady ,in my forties ,
Who has cats in the family ,since I was 3 years old ,and no stranger ,too cat loss ,but Bertie’s
Loss has almost destroyed me , you could say ,I never ever what another cat out of ,loyalty
Too Bertie ,no I know Bertie would what me ,too rescue ,and save a fellow feline ,cats I
Feel know and understand us ,better than we do ,I took Bertie in after a act of cruelty,
Which resulted ,in him losing a eye ( and having a strong fear of men ) something bad happened, in his early weeks ,but once with me ,he felt safe loved and respected ,we
Had a bond like no other ,as for the councillor ,I suppose she could be forgiven ,for
Being young ,and just starting in her career ,still I believe ,my grief is a journey
That I have no control over , and it will end ,in its own time ,

I am sorry for your loss ,I send hugs and kisses too you all ,
Bertie’s mum Angie