Cat left behind

Help & Support for those who have lost a beloved cat
Post Reply
User avatar
fjm
VIP Cat Chatter!
Posts: 1675
Joined: Sat Dec 23, 2017 6:11 pm
No. of cats in household: 1
Location: North West England

Re: Cat left behind

Post by fjm »

I wonder if she is picking up on your distress, as well as missing her lifetime companion. You have been through a very unhappy experience, having to say goodbye to a much loved cat; you work in a stressful environment with the threat of extremely difficult times ahead; I suspect that you have not been able to allow yourself time and space to grieve. In more normal times I would suggest seeking help from a qualified behaviourist, but that may be difficult depending on where you live.

It may sound odd but I would talk to her about your feelings, and acknowledge hers. If in a week or two things are no better I would ask your vet about mild anti-anxiety medication for her, just until she gets used to being alone. I don't think letting her see her sister's body would have made any difference for her, and it would have been hugely distressing for you. I do hope you have sympathetic people you can talk to - it sounds as if some at least have been less than helpful.

(Just a quick edit to ask whether she too has been checked for hyperthyroidism? It is extremely common in older cats, and pacing and crying can be signs. If so there is no need to fear it will be as rapid and serious as her sister's - it can usually be well controlled with medication or surgery.)
User avatar
Mollycat
VIP Cat Chatter!
Posts: 2705
Joined: Mon Feb 25, 2019 10:58 am
No. of cats in household: 1
Location: UK

Re: Cat left behind

Post by Mollycat »

It sounds like your relationship with your cat is breaking down badly and you both desperately need help before it becomes unsaveable.

Between grieving humans the different ways we grieve and our very different needs at emotional crisis time can often make for massive clashes and falling-out, but with animals we can tune out their vulnerabilities when we are so tied up with our own feelings. But for all that it's just the same, a mismatch of grieving styles.

It sounds to me like you are very close to your animals, yes I agree on talking to them, but we also have to learn to listen to them. I sense that's something you normally do very well but you are so deep in your own grief at this moment you're not able to give your surviving girl the space to talk to you. If you need help with this, maybe an animal communicator can help you? Or, there are some guided communication lessons on You-tube for you to try to listen to her yourself.

You know buying her things can't replace her sister and isn't going to distract her from wanting to share her grief with the human she loves so much ... and who seems to be shutting her out. She has lost her sister and maybe doesn't fully understand, and she is afraid she is losing you in a terrible distressed place. It seems to me you're giving her everything you hope she wants, except the one thing she really desperately needs - yourself, the assurance that you will be there for the rest of her life, that her sister was sick and it was her time to leave but that it's not your time or hers and that you have each other.

I am not going to say you did anything wrong and I don't think it's helpful of anyone to say you should have brought the body home, it's an impossible decision that we have to make in a very hard emotional place armed only with the best intentions, and no matter what we decide we can later regret it and wish we'd done it differently. It's not acceptable of people to tell you that the decision you made was wrong, it was your best decision and if you think about who has given you this great advice I wonder how many of them have actually ever been in your position, I bet some don't even have animals.

My Molly used to drive me crazy with her need for constant attention, especially the instant I focus on something other than her, which was hard as I was battling physical and mental health issues and trying to get a non-profit off the ground single handed working from home. She would squeak and squeak and squeak at me and when I went to her she would skittishly run off. Sometimes in real murderous frustration I would screw up a ball of paper and throw it at her as hard as I could, and this little traumatised cat that was afraid of everything (except fireworks) would sit there looking me straight in the eyes as this ball of paper would come flying at her and she would never flinch as it hit her on the head. How could I still be angry when she trusted me so deeply I could throw things hard directly at her, even if she couldn't trust me to stroke her? She was just a lost and traumatised soul, holding a mirror up to my own lost and broken soul, and the moment I realised that I was able to start to change things.

Forgive me if I'm wrong but I think I hear in your desperate post some kind of resentment that this cat needs you? Similar to a survivor guilt kind of situation? But more than anything, the intensity of this bereavement that has completely taken you by surprise. You mention horses. Horses are very different, they are not in the house sharing your every moment. You might remember constantly that you don't have to go to the stables any more, but those stables are not staring you in the face every time you walk into the room. You're not haunted by the absence of what was once a constant presence around you from the moment you wake up to the moment you close your eyes. It's an absence that is so much more than just someone not being there, it's like a knife twisting in your heart, and to make it worse there is still a little presence that never needed you before but now it's constantly in your face reminding you that her sister now only exists as an absence. Rubbing salt into wounds that are already so deep you don't see how you can survive. She is hurting too and she is only asking for you to join her to carry on your journey together, just the two of you and a shared memory. She's on your side, not against you. Perhaps you're afraid to need her as much as she needs you.

I hope you can find your connection with her again, but if you really can't, perhaps it would be kinder to put her to sleep than to rehome her. It's one thing to lose her sister, please don't make her lose you as well and her home, you are her world. But I don't think it would help you, I think as hard as this is letting her go in any way would make things 10 times worse for you. You don't have forever with her so make the time you have count, make this the moment when you discover her specialness. And I agree not get another cat whatever you do, it's extremely unlikely to do anything but cause more massive problems for both of you.
User avatar
Mollycat
VIP Cat Chatter!
Posts: 2705
Joined: Mon Feb 25, 2019 10:58 am
No. of cats in household: 1
Location: UK

Re: Cat left behind

Post by Mollycat »

Tilly22 wrote: Thu Oct 29, 2020 10:29 pm Thank you. I felt so sad after reading this earlier. It is very true of our situation.
Sending you love, and wishing that this can be resolved to meet everyone's diverse needs and bring you closer together again.
If either might help, I have details of an animal communicator and Reiki practitioner who has helped me a lot with my Molly - and the Blue Cross has a pet bereavement support service I think by phone. Don't be afraid to ask for help and be kind to yourself and your loved ones.
Felix19+
Frequent Cat Chatter
Posts: 23
Joined: Sat Oct 03, 2020 6:42 pm

Re: Cat left behind

Post by Felix19+ »

Just want to say I agree with the great advice given by mollycat and fjm they both seem to be very knowledgeable about cats and their owners - I hope very much that they have helped you and hope you will let this forum know how you are getting on. All good wishes xx
Post Reply