My little star has gone

Help & Support for those who have lost a beloved cat
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Caroline1977
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Joined: Thu Nov 26, 2020 2:35 pm

My little star has gone

Post by Caroline1977 »

I have been reading this forum since the 24th November, the day my little Billy and one of my best friends went for a final sleep. He started to become poorly August Bank Holiday, he had been off his food for a few days just eating bits, went outside in the morning as usual but was very vocal on his return in. He went back into my daughters room as standard and thats when she noticed his breathing was alarmingly fast and he seemed distant a bit out of it. Took him in at 9am as an emergency and the vet told us to prepare for the worse Billy was in trouble. His blood pressure was very high and his breathing over 100 breaths per minute (hard to believe but true). He was taken away and kept in for tests, bloods showed an infection so immediately was started on strong antibiotics and xrayed, touch and go if he would survive due to his breathing. The xray showed his left lung was completely white, no black air. The vets knew he had an infection but thought this may be a mass. Billy stayed with them that evening and the next morning they said he had perked up and his breathing had improved and we could see him. He was a little thin and distant but manged to eat a few good boy treats but I could tell he wanted to get back to his bed so we left. Next morning we where called to say Billy would be having another xray to check if the antibiotics where working and come home. The xray had cleared but still some white there. Billys xrays where sent to an expert to look and again they came back with either an infection or tumor. Billy came home and although spaced out due to the anesthetic for the xray, seemed to be back to normal. We gave him antibiotics for the next 3 weeks and went back for an Xray 19th September. Again cleared but still some kind of mass in his left front lobe taking up a fair bit of lung. The vet said we could continue with tests like a CT scan or fine needle aspiration but would only go down this route of we planned on operating. Billy was 15 and it wasn't something the vets recommended. We went home with Billy and upto the 3rd week of November he seemed okay. He suddenly went off his food again and he didnt wake us up as normal one morning so we knew something was wrong so off to vets. The Vets said he had a high temperature and had lost 1/3 of his body weight and he wasn't a big cat to start. He had a two week antibiotic injection and came home with us. After this he hid under the bed all day, ate tiny tiny amounts and then just stopped eating and drinking even lickilicks he wouldn't touch and these are his favourite. His back legs wobbly and I had never felt him so thin , his sternum and hip bones where pertruding. He just could not get comfy no matter how he layed. From the Saturday to Tuesday he had one poop and two wees. His reactions seemed very slow, at this point we stopped giving him the presnidone as this stressed him hugely and was so weak. We spoke with the vet Tuesday morning and we agreed a home visit, for me with the hope of giving him a steroid injection to boost his appetite and off she would go. Not the case, Billy was hid behind the sofa when the vet got here as we had brought him out from under the bed. The Vet couldn't believe how thin he was, he wasn't agitated with so we knew something was wrong. She said his left lung had no air or noises in it and his right had crackling in it and it was time to let him go. From that day my heart has broken and like many of you I cant eat sleep or laugh I have stayed up nights scouring the Internet on Signs your Cat is dying to see if I saw this in Billy, I have been researching xray pictures against his to see if I can see any that look like his. But most of all I have been trying to justify my actions for ending Billy's life. I am distraught with grief and guilt, I have cried to the Vets wanting reassurance, cried to the lady arranging the cremation. I have just never felt pain like it before. I say morning to him and night every day, I look under the bed he layed under to see if he is there...knowing full well he isn't. Billy chose me for Mothers Day in 2006 from Cats Protection and I can't imagine a life without him. I am trying to hold it together but then I think about his squinty eyes looking at me and it kills me. I do believe this all started in December / Jan 2020, he started with a cough like a hairball one, if you picked him up a certain way he would do it and in the later stages chasing his cat light or in cold weather he would cough like a wheeze. We took him to our Vets in February this year about it but he said he was fine. It kills me because we don't know the exact reason he had to be put to sleep on Tuesday we have to go with the Vets advice as she said he was actively dying. It kills me that it may just have been an infection but the vets says not, I have googled his cough and it could have been asthma but the vet is positive it was a tumor, but the only thing that would have confirmed this would be a ct scan and the fine needle aspiration. One day I will hold him again when mine and his ashes are joined. I just hope he knows how much I miss and love the little guy xxx
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Kay
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Re: My little star has gone

Post by Kay »

I think most of us understand only too well what you are going through

I really don't think you ended his life, though - from what you say and the vets said, you only saved him from perhaps a couple more days of suffering - he knew he was near his end and relied on you to spare him and because you loved him you freed his spirit to run free

you are playing over and over again in your mind his final weeks, but what about his 15 years of life - there must be loads of happy memories there to remember - it won't be easy, but know that you did your very best for him, that we all have to say goodbye before we want to, but that however painful, the end never ever matters more than the life that preceded it
Caroline1977
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Joined: Thu Nov 26, 2020 2:35 pm

Re: My little star has gone

Post by Caroline1977 »

Hi Kay, thank you for reading, I know it is such a long post but I am trying to get all my feelings out. I just can't believe how quick the end came. This forum has been a great comfort to know my emotions are all part of the grief process. My other best friend Ted the dog, everytime I cry he just wants to kick my tears! Billy will be home with us on Saturday and I'm sure our little chats will continue x
Caroline1977
Returning Cat Chatter
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Joined: Thu Nov 26, 2020 2:35 pm

Re: My little star has gone

Post by Caroline1977 »

Sorry Ted just licks my tears, although I'm sure he would kick me if he could
Felix19+
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Re: My little star has gone

Post by Felix19+ »

Billy was saved from any more suffering which is only a blessing - hope you feel better soon we pet owners empathise with you. Take care x
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