Anger, denial and longing.

Help & Support for those who have lost a beloved cat
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Sempaiko91
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Anger, denial and longing.

Post by Sempaiko91 »

I came to this site because I am really struggling with my recent loss. And it has been heartwarming but also heartbreaking to see so many people going through similar things, and the responses that people have had. So I thought I’d share how I’m feeling here as an outlet.

My little lad was 4 and a half when he was hit by a car on 1st December 2020. He managed to crawl his way back to the house with a fractured hip, I was terrified but I got him to an emergency vet and was assured his fractured hip could be repaired and he would just need crate rest at home. Honestly, I was so happy. I thought he was one of the lucky ones, he’d been through something traumatic but he came home and he was gonna be ok. Fast forward a few days after his op, all was looking good and he came home. Though he wasn’t eating or drinking yet. Another 12 hours at home and I took him back in, he wasn’t able to toilet himself and I was getting more and more concerned about the not eating.

We found out on a return trip to the vet that he had sustained an internal injury causing urine to leak inside his abdomen. It was too late. We were advised that the operation to potentially fix him would kill him, and that the kindest thing to do would be to put him to sleep. So on the 4th December I made the hardest choice in my life so far to agree with the vet and end his suffering.

Since then, in hindsight (I know it’s a wonderful thing), I have concerns and anger about the procedure at the vets. I’m bargaining all the time - what if they’d have done a more thorough internal exam before his operation? Why couldn’t they have ran bloods and an MRI before fixing his hip - surely the hip could have waited and what was more pressing was the internal injuries. Surely it should have been a consideration that a road traffic accident may cause internal injuries. What if he’d not come home for a day (even though I really cherish that time) and they’d have kept him in - would they have noticed quicker and had the ability to help? What if I’d have not let him outside that day? Even though I let him out that time every morning for over 4 years.

I’ve lost a lot of weight because I’m not eating or sleeping and crying constantly. I’m absolutely heartbroken seeing his bed but I also can’t bear to move it. I’ve ordered a nice little casket for his ashes and I’m planning on setting a small memorial on his favourite spot in the window but I just can’t see this pain ever going away. I know I’m overthinking it. That’s the worst part - I can’t stop my head going around and around. I’m not even sure what I want posting this to achieve, I just... wanted to share my thoughts with people who understand. If any of you have made it this far then thank you for listening.
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Kay
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Re: Anger, denial and longing.

Post by Kay »

I know - we all know on here - how much it hurts to lose a beloved cat - and it rarely happens without the torment of all sorts of what ifs, and self blame, and anger that it happened at all

what time does is gradually shift the mind away from the end, replaying over and over in a loop, and bring to the fore the happy memories of the lost one's life, and the pleasure he brought you - your plans for his memorial is the beginning of this process

it can happen that when an obvious injury, or symptom, is found there is an inclination not to look further at first, which seems to be the case here - more investigations might have been done at a bigger practise or animal hospital, but that doesn't necessarily mean anything could have been done - cats rarely come off lightly when they come up against a car

when I lost my most beloved cat, also to the road but at the age of 14, I left her bed by the warm stove and thought of it as her bequest that one day another cat would sleep in it, and enjoy the loving home she had had all her life, and bring me comfort

and so it was - when you are as old as I am you will have had to say goodbye to several cats, but however painful that goodbye, it never occludes the pleasure of sharing our lives with these lovely creatures, for however long we are allowed to

be kind to yourself
Sempaiko91
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Re: Anger, denial and longing.

Post by Sempaiko91 »

Thank you so much for your kind words. I keep thinking I can hear him meowing to be let in or, that I’m going to come home and he’ll be sat on the windowsill looking out at me (he always seemed to know when I’d be coming home by the sound of my car engine). But I know it’s not going to happen. I guess that will also pass with time.

I’m sorry about your loss too, I don’t know what’s worse at this point - sudden loss like with an accident or maybe knowing it’s coming from old age or illness. Though they both suck. I know my anger at the vets won’t accomplish anything it’s why I haven’t raised it with them, can’t go back in time huh.
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fjm
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Re: Anger, denial and longing.

Post by fjm »

I'm not sure how the urine leakage could have been diagnosed earlier - it would not show up on x-rays, and possibly not on scans. And to repair that, and then his hip, would probably not have been survivable in any case.

We all go round the loops of if-only and what-if, and trying to find reasons and something - anything - to blame. But sometimes accidents do happen, sometimes the damage is just too great, sometimes no matter what we do it is not enough. Time, and kindness, are the only things I know that help...
Sempaiko91
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Re: Anger, denial and longing.

Post by Sempaiko91 »

Thanks fjm, I think you’re right to be honest and I’m just looking for somewhere to direct my anger. I guess I just need to try to be kinder to myself and patient.
Felix19+
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Re: Anger, denial and longing.

Post by Felix19+ »

So sorry about your cat it is devastating when they leave you which ever way that happens. I cried when I read your post. You received very wise replies which will be of great help to you I'm sure.

I'm just wondering if a talk with the vet to explain to you in more detail in response to your worries about your cat may help you to put your mind at rest.
I'm sure they wouldn't mind if that would help ?

Best wishes xx
Bertie 2017
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Re: Anger, denial and longing.

Post by Bertie 2017 »

Hi I am so sorry for your loss ,your cat ,sounds like he was suffering with bladder nerves
Damage ,just like my Bertie ,except Bertie had a accident with the washing machine ,
Still the end of the story was the same ,I had my hopes raised only too ,end in heart break ,
And yes I blamed the vet ,questing did the vet try hard enough ? ,and I like yourself ,
Felt angry ,about it all ,when I read your story , I feel we have so much in common ,our
Stories ,sounds the same ,it took me back Bertie wasn’t emptying his bladder ,too ,
And at first I thought ,we had found the problem , and it wasn’t that serious ,life can
Be so cruel ,and I like yourself was so happy ,when I thought Bertie was going too be ok ,
What I am trying to say ,is be kind too yourself. , and try to understand ,these thoughts and
Feelings are perfectly normal ,it took me a while to ,understand that ,please don’t blame yourself,you did everything you could ,as for denial ,for a while I thought it was a bad dream,
I am sure ,that is perfectly normal ,I have been there as I am sure ,has everyone else ,
So you are not alone ,my thoughts are with you hugs x
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