I Blame Myself

Help & Support for those who have lost a beloved cat
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milkshakesmom
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I Blame Myself

Post by milkshakesmom »

My beautiful, sweet little girl, Milkshake died last night and I have no idea of how to cope with my emotions or thoughts. I have a therapist, but none of the things we discussed in our past sessions is helping. My cat died last night after a horrible seizure and died in a corner clutching a curtain. I filmed the whole thing, not knowing that was her final moments so that I could show the vet the next morning when I brought her in for her appointment. I feel so guilty, letting her die alone after experiencing such excruciating pain and just leaving her there without checking up on her. For the past week, she's been trying to throw up something, and she couldn't, so all that came out of her mouth was saliva and white foam. At some point she even stopped being able to control her bladder, so we had to make her wear a diaper. I'm only 17 years old, but she was like a daughter, best friend, and companion all in one little beautiful creature. She was only a year and a half old and I feel so guilty. The vet said that it was most likely a hereditary or neurological issue, but I wonder if I could have been the cause as I used to be a bit rough with her when she was younger. Maybe I should've been cleaner. My depression caused my room to be a mess most of the time, and I would have a bunch of small things strewn across the room. I wonder if she maybe ate something that caused some blockage in her throat. I can't believe she's gone and I'm in shock, denial, and I just can't believe she's just not here anymore. The things I would do to pet her one more time and give her a kiss on the forehead. My parents were always frugal and ignored me when I asked for her to be taken to the vet, and I keep wondering when or what I should've done something to have prevented this. I'm so broken. When my brother left home for university, she was the only one at home to keep me company when I arrived home from school. She would spend all day in my room and follow me around the house. I love her so much, and I can't stop bawling. I still don't have closure, as a post-mortem autopsy costs anywhere from $500-1500, and I just can't afford that. I just hope she isn't in pain anymore.

Rest in Peace my best friend,
July 27th, 2019- January 18th, 2021
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Mollycat
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Re: I Blame Myself

Post by Mollycat »

I'm so sorry for your loss, and such a young lovely Milkshake who should have had her whole life ahead of her, just like you. When I was 17 I had a one year old Misha who was my whole world, she was so special and precious. I can't even begin to know what you must be going through right now, and I'm sorry it has taken nearly a week before anyone responded to your distress.

I expect you've heard it countless times, you mustn't blame yourself, it's true but it has to be one of the most annoying things people say when they don't know what to say. As you said you had no idea and absolutely no reason to think that these could have been Milkshake's last moments. So filming for the vet to see was absolutely the right and sensible thing to do, and a lot of us wouldn't think of that, just panic and ring the vet! If she had survived this seizure then the video could have given the vet vital clues to help get her some treatment. You also pestered your parents and tried to get Milkshake to see a vet. You did your best.

It's very unlikely Milkshake was experiencing pain, if this was a massive seizure. If you know anyone who has epilepsy, ask them what it's like - normally people remember absolutely nothing and don't report experiencing any pain at all, just confusion as they regain consciousness. Also, even if you had rushed to get her to the vets, it sounds like it all happened so quickly there's nothing that could have been done to help her.

Nothing can ease your sadness and pain but rationalising can help you deal with the guilt. Guilt is something our brain gives us when we lose someone or when something traumatic happens, because we are wired to learn from experience and trauma is too big for us to handle. So the brain is desperately searching for a lesson to learn so that we can avoid the pain and distress next time, so it will find something to feel guilty about even if there is nothing. When I lost my grandmother, I was your age, 17, and it was my first loss. You know what I found to feel bad about? When I was about 8 she once accidentally got me in trouble with my mother for breaking a really stupid rule, I felt my trust had been betrayed and I blanked her when she tried to say sorry. I carried that guilt for years.

What happened is not your fault. And an autopsy might give you some answers but sometimes they only raise more questions and either way, it can't bring her back. She is at peace now after passing through a very short discomfort to get there, and if there is something on the other side, which I believe and many of us here do, then she knows how much you love her and wish she could still be here with you, and would want you to know, that this isn't your fault.
Bertie 2017
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Re: I Blame Myself

Post by Bertie 2017 »

Hi first of all , I am sorry for your loss , she was
And I’d beautiful . I am 48 this year . And have made a lot of mistakes , and what I have learned . Is sadly
Some things are out of our hands , we cannot
Tell the future . If we could , we would be able
Too changed the outcome , I have posted on
This website . Since 2017 since my cat Bertie
Passed . Please read some if you can . You will
Find out we have much in common , regarding
Our feelings towards the loss , I like yourself
Had a lot of guilt , and regret that stuff ,
Will eat you up , in time you will see , this
Wasn’t your flaunt , and something that was
Out of your hands , and control , as for your
Depression , I have a history of it , but you must
Understand , that what you are feeling is grief x
Lenelor
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Re: I Blame Myself

Post by Lenelor »

It is so normal to blame yourself after a loss like this, but I think in your case the guilt is part of grieving rather than something you've actually done wrong. I've had messy rooms and my cats never ate anything that made them choke, and also that would not cause a seizure. Kittens like to rough house; they're incredibly flexible,; it's highly doubtful that you contributed to Milkshakes' illness at all. You may continue to have episodes of feeling guilty when the grief is intense, and maybe try reminding yourself when you can of the love you gave to your cat during her life. I'm so sorry you're going through the pain of losing her. Grief can be crazy-making at times, the intense emotions distort reality.
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