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Not sure if this is the right place to be but I need some advice about my kitties.

We have had Mia for two years now after rescuing her as a kitten, she has always been very loving and obedient and great with other cats. However, last year she had a litter of kittens and we decided we would keep one of them so that she had company at home. They have always got along great....until now. The kitten (Dexter) is a girl and hates human contact, we believe because she's always had her mother around. So she won't let us go anywhere near her without freaking out and if we try to pick her up all hell breaks loose, it's not a very nice thing for us as we love cuddles off Mia and wanted Dexter to be the same. Also, now Mia doesn't want Dexter anywhere near her and when she goes for cuddles Mia hisses at her and tries to scratch her. Dexter is a mostly white cat and because we cannot go near her to brush her, she is leaving our whole house covered in hair which is starting to make me and my partner very sneeze, itchy and wheezy. Dexter also picks and choses when she wants to use the litter and most mornings we wake up with a little present on the floor even though she is litter trained and uses it most of the time. Basically I just don't know what to do anymore because we love her but it's like she doesn't even live here as she doesn't want any affection and now her mother has turned on her?? Please help me

Hi Courtneyjayne, sorry to hear about these problems.

Yes, it can happen that a kitten staying with its mother is so wrapped up in that relationship that the kitten just doesn't become socialised to humans. I used to breed Siamese and a girl I bred and kept was exactly the same. Doesn't always happen, but it can.

Also, are your girls spayed? Because Dexter's now sexually mature and I'm afraid girl cats can be very...well...catty towards each other, especially when they're unspayed. It sounds as if Mia doesn't see her as a kitten any more but as a rival female. Dexter's fouling sounds to be a sign of insecurity - she really won't be a happy cat under the circumstances.

Is there anything Dexter responds to, such as being talked to, titbits of her favourite foods, cat treats? I would try to build up her confidence and encourage her, almost as if she's a newcomer. It is frustrating when a cat doesn't want to be cuddled but some cats just are like that; I have one myself and it's incredible when she does permit me to give her a fuss. Another arrived as a feral, with her mother, and she is timid with people but she'll come for a fuss when she feels like it. They are all so different.

It's a difficult situation and you won't want to leave Mia out either. It is almost as if you're introducing two stranger cats and there's a lot of information on here about hierarchy and introducing new cats that might be useful; I'll try and find the links. (Sorry I can't find them - does someone else know where they are?)

Other people on here will have more ideas but hope this helps for now - all the very very best with them

Hi Lilith, thanks for the reply. Mia is spayed we done this as soon as possible once she had her kittens. Dexter is not spayed but we are getting this done as soon as possible but they are both house cats so this isn't a problem at the minute as far as her getting pregnant is concerned. Dexter has the odd moment where she will let us pet her but this only lasts a couple of seconds before she gets creeper out. Also, Mia is getting sick of Dexter as she keeps trying to suckle despite being a year old, I am aware this isn't normal. Do you think we should consider rehoming Dexter in the hope that she will become closer to humans and stop relying on her mother and she may also feel more safe and comfortable without her Mia there to hiss and strike her all the time?

Hi, some unspayed females who are not allowed to breedcan be very nervous, even aggressive; although being a housecat safeguards Dexter from pregnancy, she'll still be frustrated at not being able to mate; it's definitely the right decision to get her done asap. You may find she's a different cat once the hormonal urges die down. Girls in heat often forget their housetraining too; spaying may help with Dexter's fouling.

Also Mia, even though she's spayed, may still resent her as being a younger 'upstart' unspayed female (the unspayed girls are usually top cat) and be 'putting her in her place' because of this - and then poor old Dexter still wants to come and get the comfort of nursing from her mother...

Personally, I'd try the spaying first. About the rehoming, only you can make that decision - but there are a lot of cats out there needing homes, and there are far less good homes than there are cats. If you read the announcement at the top of this page, about the 15 cats waiting for homes, these cats have been living in a pen for years and represent a huge number of cats in similar situations - and the shelters are having to turn cats away. It's heartbreaking. If you look on this site for shelters in your area, it's worth contacting them of course, but you may have to go on a waiting list. You may be lucky, asking around friends, work colleagues etc to see if they know anyone who would take a cat, but you need to be very careful; there are a lot of unscrupulous people out there pretending to offer a good home, and I wouldn't touch sites such as gumtree. I would also visit and vet a prospective home very very carefully. Also I do feel that to be rehomable, Dexter needs to be spayed and clean in the house.

I'm really sorry, there are no quick fixes in this situation. I do feel spaying Dexter could calm the situation down - not overnight, but spaying does make a girl far more placid, and hopefully her mother will no longer see her as a threat or a nuisance. She may also become less skittish and more friendly with you.

I do hope you manage to resolve this problem; it would be so good if in a few months you had two placid cats who were behaving and enjoying life and you being able to enjoy life with them in your turn.

Other people on here will be able to fill in on any info I might have left out but for the time being, again, all the very best with your girls and good luck

I agree that spaying should help in this situation, and perhaps trying to spend some time with Dexter away from Mia once the hormones have died down after the op. This is the link that Lilith mentioned:

http://www.catchat.org/hierarchies.html" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false;

It can sometimes happen with shy cats, even unrelated ones, that if they have their social needs fulfilled by the company of another cat, they're less likely to form a bond with you. I've had a feral cat that was a bit like that. Even if you do eventually decide to rehome her, Dexter will benefit from some time spent with her on her own so as to try to get her more used to human company - it would be very hard to find a home for a cat that can't be petted.

Good luck, l'm sure she'll be a much happier cat after spaying, and let us know how things develop.

Thanks for all of the advice we are getting Dexter spayed in two weeks so hopefully she will be okay. I will keep you updated