Can’t shake the guilt

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Gabby
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Can’t shake the guilt

Post by Gabby » Thu Mar 22, 2018 7:24 pm

it’s been 5 days since I had my boy Gizzmo put to sleep and I can’t come to terms with the fact that I ended his life and I wasn’t brave enough to have been with him at the end, I don’t think that I will ever forgive myself for that, he was mine and I should have been there, I feel so sad and depressed that I can’t even eat or function properly, I don’t know what to do.

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Re: Can’t shake the guilt

Post by alanc » Thu Mar 22, 2018 8:45 pm

You are not alone in not being able to be there when they have to be put to sleep. I could not face being around when my first two cats had to go.
Last edited by alanc on Thu Mar 22, 2018 9:41 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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Lilith
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Re: Can’t shake the guilt

Post by Lilith » Thu Mar 22, 2018 9:08 pm

Hey Gabby. You didn't put an end to his life, the disease did that. You made the wise decision to release him from that tormented body, rather than let him go on in what could have been intense discomfort and pain. If you couldn't be with him, then that too was a wise decision, as he would have been spared seeing your distress, which would have distressed him.

I wish I could comfort you more - these will be very dark days, but truly you did your best. I know what I would have preferred in Gizzmo's place, and you gave him that mercy.

I know it won't feel like it but truly you did the right thing for him. Love and hugs, Lil x

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Re: Can’t shake the guilt

Post by fjm » Thu Mar 22, 2018 9:18 pm

Would Gizzmo have wanted you to feel this way? Think of all the times you were there for him - the meals several times a day, the games, the comfy lap and tickle behind the ear, even the trips to the vet. If, for a few minutes at the very end, you found it too hard to be there, that does not negate all those happy times that came before. Those last few minutes are very easy and peaceful - a tiny injection to ease the way, and then a more poweful one to bring a final sleep. I think, had you been there, you would feel less guilty simply because you would know how gentle and kind it can be, but you must not reproach yourself. Gizzmo is at peace, free of pain and discomfort. You did your very best for him - now it is time to be kind to yourself as well. Love does not end - we remember, and are changed forever by those we love, and if we are fortunate we carry all we have learned forward and love again.

"To live in this world, you must be able to do three things: to love what is mortal; to hold it against your bones knowing your own life depends on it; and, when the time comes to let it go, to let it go." Mary Oliver

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bobbys girl
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Re: Can’t shake the guilt

Post by bobbys girl » Thu Mar 22, 2018 9:27 pm

Nothing to add to all the wise words, just a virtual ((hug))

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Re: Can’t shake the guilt

Post by Gabby » Thu Mar 22, 2018 9:42 pm

Thankyou everyone I know your right but I just can’t accept that just yet.

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bobbys girl
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Re: Can’t shake the guilt

Post by bobbys girl » Thu Mar 22, 2018 9:50 pm

It takes as long as it takes. Just be gentle with yourself, Gizzmo wouldn't want it any other way.

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Re: Can’t shake the guilt

Post by Mayday21 » Thu Mar 22, 2018 10:52 pm

Hi Gabby Gizzmo was a very lucky boy to have you as his parent. I really can’t add any more other than what Bobby’s Girl, Lilith & others have said. You’ll receive empathy & support whenever & whatever you post. Vivian

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Re: Can’t shake the guilt

Post by Gabby » Fri Mar 23, 2018 5:21 am

I know you are all trying to ease my pain but nothing will do that as when I took Gizzmo to the vet and she said he had to be put to sleep she said it doesn’t have to be now but I said if I take him home I won’t bring him back, well isn’t that just the most ridiculous thing to say or course I would have brought him back I feel utterly selfish and a bad mum for denying him another day on this earth, I should have brought him home, I should have had a last day but I chose not to to ease my pain, how selfish.

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Re: Can’t shake the guilt

Post by fjm » Fri Mar 23, 2018 8:04 am

Almost everyone who has had to have a beloved pet PTS feels they were a day too soon, or a day too late, and feel guilty accordingly. Had you taken Gizzmo home, you would have spent your last hours together crying and grieving and stressed - as it was, they were, I hope, as close to his usual comfortable routine as illness allowed. Be kind to yourself - you were faced with a hard decision and did the best thing for Gizzmo, saving him from pain and the stress of another journey to the vet. If you feared that you might not be able to bear the second trip, that makes your decision to let him go all the braver, I think.

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Re: Can’t shake the guilt

Post by booktigger » Fri Mar 23, 2018 7:02 pm

Gabby wrote:I know you are all trying to ease my pain but nothing will do that as when I took Gizzmo to the vet and she said he had to be put to sleep she said it doesn’t have to be now but I said if I take him home I won’t bring him back, well isn’t that just the most ridiculous thing to say or course I would have brought him back I feel utterly selfish and a bad mum for denying him another day on this earth, I should have brought him home, I should have had a last day but I chose not to to ease my pain, how selfish.
That sounds incredibly unselfish to me, yes you could have brought him home but it wouldn't have changed anything and may have been worse for both of you. I'm not sure why he needed to be PTS but you saved him one more day of suffering. I do wonder if you need to speak to a bereavement counsellor

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Re: Can’t shake the guilt

Post by Lilith » Fri Mar 23, 2018 8:09 pm

Hi Gabby, I think that what you said was entirely understandable and not ridiculous at all.

And as Fjm says, you would have only have had to repeat the vet visit over again, getting Gizzmo into his carrier, and the journey, which no cat enjoys. I do think you did the bravest thing for him, and you put him first even though you feared you couldn't face it, you thought of him.

As Booktigger says, this is a bereavement and you will have awful days and less awful days at the moment. I remember 11 years ago after having to make the decision to let my Tess, horribly injured after a rta, be pts. A week or two later I had a calm day, went out for fish and chips (and a couple of bottles of wine) and walking home thought, there, I can think about her and accept ... I felt horribly ashamed and humiliated when it all started again, but how can it not when we've loved them? Bereavement isn't weakness.

As always, love and hugs, thinking of you x

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Re: Can’t shake the guilt

Post by Gabby » Fri Mar 23, 2018 9:35 pm

booktigger wrote:
Gabby wrote:I know you are all trying to ease my pain but nothing will do that as when I took Gizzmo to the vet and she said he had to be put to sleep she said it doesn’t have to be now but I said if I take him home I won’t bring him back, well isn’t that just the most ridiculous thing to say or course I would have brought him back I feel utterly selfish and a bad mum for denying him another day on this earth, I should have brought him home, I should have had a last day but I chose not to to ease my pain, how selfish.
That sounds incredibly unselfish to me, yes you could have brought him home but it wouldn't have changed anything and may have been worse for both of you. I'm not sure why he needed to be PTS but you saved him one more day of suffering. I do wonder if you need to speak to a bereavement counsellor
Gizzmo was diagnosed with kidney failing when he had a dental last year but vet said he should be ok as was in very early stage so as long as we tried him on certain foods all should be ok for a while, that was back in the summer of last year. There’s been no other problem apart from he had days where he would only nibble at his food but last week went 4 whole days without eating but he seemed to have something wrong in his mouth because he wanted food just couldn’t eat it. So I took him to the vets last Sunday, as vet was examining him she noticed a very large mass at the bottom of his stomach and as he wasn’t eating and it was most certainly cancer putting him to sleep would be best, so as you can see I wasn’t prepared.

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Re: Can’t shake the guilt

Post by booktigger » Sat Mar 24, 2018 11:48 am

Sadly it is harder to deal with when it is unexpected, but from your extra explanation, I think making that decision there and then was the right thing for him - if he hadn't eaten for 4 days, he would have been feeling very bad and bringing him home would have been prolonging the inevitable and also prolonging his suffering, and I think the vet saying you didn't need to do it there and then was for you, not for him, you made your decision for him which is the most unselfish thing we can do for them.

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Re: Can’t shake the guilt

Post by DonnaK » Sun Jul 21, 2019 4:55 pm

Ugh! Reading this series of notes is really so poignant and relatable. It will be a week tomorrow since I had my Lucy put to sleep. She had been losing weight for about 2 months. I took her to the vet and he said it was unlikely to be anything serious since all her labs were normal and she was a young cat (just shy of 9 years old). I heard what I wanted to hear and left that first visit feeling such relief when I really should have pressed him as to a reason for her weight loss. She kept losing weight and on visit #2 last week, a huge tumor was found. I was advised that it was too large to surgically remove and the cancer too advanced to do anything. The vet said that I could take her home for a few days to say goodbye and she would be given pain medication, but she seemed so sick and wasn’t eating (her greatest pleasure aside from having her ears rubbed), that I decided to let her go that day. I think that was the right decision, but the fact that the vet suggested sending her home with pain meds, makes me feel so very guilty thinking that she may have been in pain for weeks and I didn’t help her. Because she was still jumping on the bed, countertops and cuddling, I hadn’t thought she was suffering.
I miss her terribly and yesterday, my other sweet kitty, Moby, was laying on her gravesite which just broke me! He seems to miss her as much as I do. I am showering him with affection but he seems lost. It’s too much! My heart goes out to others hurting in this way. No way around this—We have to just keep pushing through. ❤️

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